This is a really good premise. The way you wrote it is almost like a script but even less. It's just a bunch of dialogue. Because it is just a bunch of dialogue it moves at lightning speed. Sadly there are also some mistakes. And because it's just a bunch of dialogue the mistakes really hurt the story. Grammar mistakes in a novel really don't affect it unless you're unintelligible. Here. However because it's basically just dialogue it really hurts the story when u make even a tiny mistake.
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