UnderwaterDreamer

Mh... it's a bit ripetitive. He felt at home too many times, he felt accepted too many times. Now you're writing on this style, but you can't mix action, a fast recap of all the pros and cons of the period, and than another action that... is without time. I mean, if you draw the way you write, you could draw a point in the line, that is your current point of view, at the end of a certain period of time. The next chapter you jump of something more than one action. It's not the proper word but you do a 'time skip' of sort. Then, from that point of view, you write an action of a point before, but without any time indication. And then another action that could have happened before or after the last action. And then maybe another action that I don't know when to put. It's a mess of a painting. Now, I don't want to be mean, I know that it's difficult because I too write, but then I find errors and horrors far worse in my writing and... well, I delete all normally, so sorry if you feel discouraged after reading this, I didn't want this and I sincerely hope you'll continue this story and continue writing, if I may, there are many styles similar to yours, even only by changing the order and adjusting the sequence and other small things. Well... if you'll continue writing here I'll continue to read, and if I may, I will suggest somethings sometimes that I find hard to read.

A suggestion... it's all good, really, but it's too much serious. Everything seems to have a purpose. It's not something unreadable, I'm not saying this, but if Jackson doesn't live something with more easy, why has he to become stronger? It's the same concept of live to work and work to live. I understood that he want to be remembered by the world, but for what?

First chapter, so I don't wanna write a review yet, but the idea is good. The writing... so so, I mean, it is good -, it seems to me like a collage of paragraphs. Like you write a bit, delete another, rewrite a part of... I don't know. I feel like it. But it is still good 👍 keep going on please 🥺

welcome backkkk! thanks for the chapter

'is decayed' or 'woods' another thing: there is a point after keel, I seems to remember, that maybe it's a mistake of key writing

'was water' I think 🤔

I appreciate it 👍👍

Well, if you wanted to do a surprise, don't tell

'her' Who?

hahahaha