74. Chapter 74

AN: Again, I am sorry about the mix up with the last chapter. What had been started as two separate chapters, had been combined, and apparently my super-duper-well-working computer (did you notice the sarcasm...?) chose not to save the full final draft of the last chapter. I didn't notice it wasn't complete until I went to reread it last week in preparing to write this chapter.

AN2: This chapter may seem a bit unfocused, but it plays several important roles in setting up some upcoming storylines. We're almost at the end of season three. There are some things that happened in the show that will happen in this fic, some things that happened in the show that will not happen in this fic and some things that didn't happen in the show that will happen in this fic. I won't promise an update soon, because it seems every time I do that, something goes horribly wrong and it takes a month. The good news is, I seem to be obsessed with the Olympics, which means I am at home, on the couch, available to be doing some writing. I spent Saturday and Sunday typing between slalom rounds...

Go Team Canada!!!!!

After waking to find the other side of the bed empty, but the sheets still warm, Meredith stumbled across the hall for a quick shower. She then pulled on jeans and a long sleeved tee, and moved the new addition to her left hand from her finger to a chain, that she latched around her neck. It had still only been a few days. She hadn't worn the ring to the hospital, but found she liked having it with her.

She had been wearing the ring around her neck at work, which was...kind of nice. Almost like a secret. Her friends knew she and Derek were engaged. And Mark. And Burke. And she suspected Bailey knew. Other than that, there had been some rumours floating around the hospital, probably originating from those who had been at Joe's that night, but no one seemed to know for sure. And no one had asked, though Meredith had gotten some suspicious looks, as had her left hand.

It was nice to have a secret from the hospital, even though she was sure it wouldn't last long.

With a sigh, Meredith headed downstairs, in search of her fiancé. They didn't have to be at work until late morning, so she was pretty sure she knew where to find him.

The sight that greeted her in the kitchen was of no surprise anymore. Derek was sitting at the table, newspaper strewn in front of him while he nursed a cup of coffee. Susan sat across from him, with her own cup of coffee. The two of them were talking animatedly, and a number of partially full grocery bags lay across the counters.

"Morning," Meredith greeted, heading straight for the coffee maker.

"Morning, Meredith," Susan returned warmly.

"You know, you really don't have to keep bringing groceries," she said, taking in the many, many bags surrounding her as she poured herself a full cup of coffee.

"I know I don't have to; I like to."

"We are capable of getting our own food." She turned back towards the kitchen table, heading for the empty seat next to Derek.

"If you don't want me to come here-" Susan began, her voice faltering.

Meredith cut her off with a smile and shook her head as she sat. "I just meant, you don't need to use groceries as an excuse to come here. You're welcome here whenever you want."

Susan swallowed hard and nodded before she responded. "Thank you, Meredith."

For a long moment, Meredith met Susan's eyes, before the intensity became too much, and she turned towards Derek. "How come you didn't wake me up?"

Derek chuckled. "I tried. You hissed that you'd kill me if I didn't leave you alone."

She made a face as the barest hint of a memory came to her. "Yeah, sorry about that."

He shrugged and leaned close to press a kiss to her cheek. "I'm used to it."

She rolled her eyes as both her fiancé and her step mother laughed at her. "I'm an intern. I need my sleep when I can get it."

Susan offered her a smile. "We need to introduce you to Lexie soon. She's about to start her internship. The two of you could commiserate together."

The name of her unmet half-sister made her falter. She had never met Lexie, nor had she seen Molly or Laura since they had been released from the hospital. Susan, she was getting to know, and was enjoying the new relationship. Molly and Lexie, however, were reminders of what she hadn't had growing up. And she wasn't sure if she was ready for that kind of a relationship.

"I'm sorry," Susan said quickly. "It's too soon. I just...I forget sometimes. I've been getting to know you, and I...I feel like we're getting close. I'm just trying to... Lexie and Molly. This isn't their fault. None of this is their fault. And I really think...I really think you'd like them."

Meredith felt Derek's hand land on her knee, and she placed her hand on his, taking his support. "Maybe one day," she finally said. "But not right now. I'm not ready yet."

Susan nodded. "One day," she echoed. "Maybe at Christmas? That gives us plenty of time. Hopefully Lexie will be able to get some time off. And Eric should be home. You haven't met him either. Molly and him, and Laura of course, will be visiting I'm sure."

"That sounds like a good amount of time," Meredith responded, feeling more comfortable. This would give her six months to get used to the idea of being a sister.

Susan smiled. "I know you kids will probably have your own plans for Christmas day, but..." She trailed off when both Meredith and Derek laughed. "What did I say?"

"We'll probably be working," Derek explained.

"Right," Susan said with a chuckle. "Well, regardless of what you're up to on Christmas day, maybe we could all get together at some point during the holidays? Have a family dinner? It would be really nice."

Meredith squeezed Derek's hand and nodded. "Okay." She could do this. Susan was really nice, so her daughters had to be nice too. Maybe she really could be part of a family; a real family, that she was actually related to.

Susan smiled warmly, her eyes welling ever so slightly. "It's really amazing, you know? I don't have much family, myself. And only a few years ago, it was just me, Thatcher and the two girls. And now I have a son-in-law, a granddaughter," she looked to Meredith, "a step daughter and..." she hesitated as she moved her gaze to Derek.

"Step son-in-law?" Meredith offered, with a shrug and a small smile.

Susan faltered ever so slightly, her eyes flickering back and forth between Meredith and Derek suspiciously.

"Well, step son-in-law to be," Derek added, also smiling.

"Are...are you two engaged?" Susan asked, without really needing to. "For how long?"

"Just a few days," Meredith responded, leaning into Derek as he wrapped an arm around her.

"Well, congratulations," Susan said, jumping up.

Meredith just managed to stand herself, when Susan pulled her into a tight hug. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thank-you," Meredith whispered, hugging her back. It was nice; maybe even her first experience with a truly maternal hug.

"This is so exciting," Susan said as she released Meredith and moved to hug Derek.

"I'd tell you welcome to the family, but I'm pretty sure it's me that's being welcomed by the two of you."

"Well, we like you," Derek responded easily, "Especially the groceries."

Susan laughed as she released him, and all three sat back down.

"Have you set a date yet?"

Meredith groaned and buried her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry, have I overstepped again?"

"No; you're just the hundredth or so person to ask us that."

"And you're so overwhelmed that you haven't had a chance to sit down and begin to make any decisions?"

"Exactly."

"Do you have any ideas yet?"

Both Meredith and Derek shook their heads.

"We're not really big wedding people," Meredith explained, "But we want..."

"Something," Derek supplied.

"Well, I can give you a hand if you want. I helped Molly and Eric plan their wedding. They kept it pretty small."

Meredith offered her a smile. "Thanks, Susan. That would be really great."

**

A little over an hour later, Meredith leaned back in the comfortable passenger seat of Derek's car, as he drove them to work.

"You know," Derek began, "If we get Susan to help us with the wedding, we'll have to invite her."

She shrugged. "That's okay. It's good for me."

"It's good for you?"

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed. "Compared to your immediate family alone, I'm way behind in potential guests."

He laughed. "It's not a competition."

"Not a close one."

He laughed again and reached for her hand. "The only person I want to be there is you."

She smiled over at him. "You're being very corny this week."

"You agreed to marry me this week; I think it's allowed."

"Good, cause I kind of like it. This week anyway."

Derek squeezed her hand. "It's been a good week."

She squeezed his hand back.

He sighed. "You do realize that if we invite Susan, we can't not invite Thatcher."

"I thought about that..."

"And?"

She shrugged. "And maybe it won't be so bad."

He glanced at her, surprise written on his face.

"Don't look so surprised. I'm growing, or whatever."

"I just thought your response would be a little more...hesitant."

"I'm growing," she repeated. "And Susan is great. I think having him at the wedding would be okay. I mean, there's no way in hell I'm letting him walk me down the aisle or anything...if we even have an aisle... But he could be there."

"That's big of you."

"What can I say? I'm feeling very optimistic lately."

"Do you think the Christmas thing is a good idea?"

She nodded. "I do. I think...having a family would be really nice."

They stopped at a red light, and Derek leaned over to kiss her. "You have a family, Meredith."

She kissed him back before the sounds of a horn blaring behind them had Derek waving a hand in apology and quickly driving through the intersection.

"I know I have a family," she eventually agreed. She glances at him, "Trust me, Derek, I am well aware of the people I do have in my life. The people I can trust." She smiled at him, "Especially you."

"Good."

"I just...you have a family, Derek. You should understand. I want to be able to call people I'm actually related to my family. It would be nice to have...parents, even if I'm not all that close to them."

"Meredith-"

"I've never had parents before," she cut in, "Not since I was five. And even then...I knew something was wrong. And then, after we moved to Boston, I knew my mother didn't want me around. But now...I really feel like Susan wants me around. And maybe I could find some kind of understanding with Thatcher."

"And Molly and Lexie?"

"It's like Susan said; none of this is their fault. And Molly was nice."

He laid his hand on her thigh. "I'll be here, Meredith, for whatever you want to do about them. I'll be right here beside you."

She lay her hand on his and squeezed. "I believe you."

Eyes still on the road ahead of them, he smiled. "And you say I'm the one being sappy this week."

Despite the urge to roll her eyes, she smiled too. "It's contagious; I had to pick it up eventually. And I'm not half as bad as you."

Derek made a growling noise in the back of his throat, but didn't respond.

Meredith giggled. "I like the sappy this week," she reminded.

"Good," he began, "Because it may last another week." He flashed her a smile. "I kind of don't want this feeling to end."

She sighed and squeezed his hand.

**

A day and a half later, the feeling still hadn't so much as decreased in magnitude. Meredith sat, again, in the passenger seat of Derek's car as he navigated through the parking deck of the ferry. Once he had parked and turned off the car, he turned to her, offering a gentle smile. "Do you want to go up?"

She nodded. "Sure."

Silently, they exited the car and met behind it, latching hands as they walked together to the stairs that would lead them to the passenger deck. They had only been out to the trailer once since her accident, and although this time on the ferry was much less tense than the last, it still wasn't nearly as light hearted as it had once been.

Arriving at the stairs, Meredith dropped Derek's hand and took the lead as she climbed the two flights of stairs and pushed open the heavy door. Despite the good weather, it was cold out on the deck. A strong gust of air hit her, causing her shoulders to rise and her arms to wrap around her abdomen.

Maybe it wasn't just the weather.

The greyish water stretched out in front of her, with only a few feet of metal floor and a relatively low railing separating them. She closed her eyes as a chill ran up her spine. The water had been so cold.

Derek's strong arm was around her middle the moment he stepped out of the stairwell beside her, and she felt warm. He paused and sighed, also taking in the sight before; also remembering how cold the water had been. "Come on," he whispered, his lips hovering for a moment by her ear.

Hooking her own arm around the sturdy middle of her fiancé, and gripping to the back of his jacket with her fingers, Meredith walked beside him towards the bow of the ferry. As uncomfortable as it may be for the two of them, it was unspoken that they needed to do this, that they needed to face the water.

Glad to have Derek between her and the railing, Meredith allowed her fingers to loosen their hold on the back of his jacket. She could do this. With him beside her, she could do anything.

When they reached the front of the boat, they hesitated together. The position that had once been so normal for them – Meredith against the railing with Derek behind, his arms on either side of her as he anchored them in place – now seemed impossibly difficult.

Tentatively, Meredith approached the rail. The metal was cold under her fingers. So cold. Just like the water. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath, reminding her brain that she could breathe; reminding her fear that she could breathe.

The water seemed ominous and vast before her, so she closed her eyes, breathing again. Derek's chest pushed up against her back, his hands brushing her sides as they tucked under her arms and reached for the railing.

His chin came to rest on her shoulder, and together they sighed. She leaned back against him, seeking comfort.

"How bad is it?" He whispered.

"An eight," she said honestly. She wasn't overwhelmed, but she knew he was the only thing keeping her standing in this moment. "You?"

"Maybe an eight point five."

The very corner of her lips curled up. "Always a competition."

A breathy chuckle escaped his lips, awkward, but there. Together, they now breathed a bit easier. If they could find a way to banter, it meant things were going to be okay. "I love you."

"I love you more."

"Now who's competitive?"

"Hmm," she murmured, finally venturing to open her eyes. The view was...not as bad as before. Maybe she was only at a seven now. The boat rumbled beneath them, the engines starting up, ready to be underway. And she was back at an eight, maybe a nine, her eyes scrunched shut.

His arms tightened around her and his breath was warm against the side of her neck. "Breathe, Mer," he whispered.

She nodded timidly, forcing her lungs to exhale the breath they had taken hostage.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

The nine became an eight.

Inhale.

Exhale.

The eight became a seven.

Inhale.

Exhale.

She opened her eyes again and released an irritated huff. "This should be easier."

"It will be," he promised, his body still so tightly pressed to hers.

It was cold, but she had warmth supporting her. The air was thick, but she could breathe. There was no one around, but she wasn't alone. She was alive. She was dealing with the fear. With the memories.

She was just about to tell Derek she was okay with him loosening his grip a little, when she glanced down to the railing. His knuckles were white, stretched across the cold metal separating them from the water.

With a deep breath, she slowly released her own grip on the railing, trusting his support, and carefully laid her left hand down on his. With the right, she reached back over her shoulder, finding the side of Derek's head, and offering as close to a hug as she could from their awkward position. He used the action to press the side of his face to hers, his chin still resting on her shoulder. She buried her fingers in his curls and together they breathed once more.

"I'm here," she heard herself whisper.

His cheek rubbed up and down against hers. "Me too."

Tears welled in her eyes, only partially a product of the wind now hitting them head on as the ferry began its journey across the cold, grey water. "I really do love you, Derek."

His chin shifted forward and seemed to hook against her clavicle, as if hugging her from behind. "I love you so much, Meredith."

They were underway now, fully up to speed. The vibrations under their feet had been adjusted to and forgotten about. Meredith was warm and safe and secure.

The seven was slowly becoming a six.

And, for this trip, maybe a six was as low as she would get. But that was okay.

Very gradually, their need to be so close and still together lessened. Derek shifted, allowing Meredith to lean back against him. Her hand dropped from his hair and came to rest above his on the railing.

"This is okay," Meredith finally uttered. "We can do this."

"We are doing this," he corrected.

"Yeah..." She closed her eyes again, but not out of fear. Out of choice. She didn't have to hide from the water and she didn't have to force herself to face it. She could simply revel in the warmth of the man she loved in the face of all the bad she had once almost succumbed to.

"This is going to get easier," she said suddenly, fiercely. "We like ferry boats. We like staring out over the railing at the water together."

"I think I'm down to a six," he offered.

She smiled. "Me too."

"And that's okay for this trip."

"Mmm," she agreed.

"Do you want to go inside?"

She gazed out at the water for a long moment, before nodding and turning in his arms. His eyes, although darker than normal, were calm and settled evenly on hers. She smiled and reached one hand to his chest, her fingers taking a handful of his jacket as she pulled him down the few inches to her level. And she kissed him, more warmth enveloping her, holding her. Giving her strength.

"We have to get over this," she stated strongly after they had pulled away.

He raised an eyebrow at her tone. "Why?"

She smirked. "Otherwise we'll never get through our list," she said, reminding him of the list they had spent months adding activities to and crossing off. The list had taken a backburner after her accident as they had dealt with her recovery, her mother's death, his fears, her insecurities, Susan and Thatcher, and finally, their engagement.

Things were evening out now. Only a little more than a week was left before the intern exam. Followed by two weeks off, where they would cross off the list many more things.

"And what item are we specifically talking about?" They hadn't mentioned their list in weeks, but he knew exactly what she was talking about.

She leaned into his strong chest. "Having sex on a ferry boat."

He released a breathy chuckle as he remembered. "That's right. You know, we should really sit down and make a real list." He leaned down to peck her lips. "That way we won't forget anything important."

"We won't forget anything," she promised, thinking of more than just sex on a ferry boat. And she meant it. They were going to do every activity on their virtual list. No matter how scary or intimidating.

And one in particular was going to be scary.

She smiled up at the man she trusted more than anyone else in the world. "Let's go inside."

He smiled down at her, securing an arm around her, and together they made their way across the deck and out of the cold.