XLIV ||| December 25th of 2021 (I)
From: P.BG
<pbg.prada@gmail.com >
To: A.LF
<alf.weeknd@gmail.com >
Sent: Saturday, 25 Dec 2021, 02:00
Subject: about Christmas
Merry Christmas, A.
I think you might be sad or embarrassed by what happened past year, given how it's 2 in the morning and you haven't said anything, and I'm sorry. I feel like I hurt you, and I'm sorry, it was not my intention.
The year has been rough, but thankfully, my parents, my brothers, and my sisters-in-laws all recovered from COVID. We only managed to be able to meet again in October when the country they are in ceased the lockdown. I was finally able to pay my respects to my family, to my grandparents, like I should have, like they deserved it.
Until this day, I'm still crying because of it.
I'm pretending to be strong to them, but I'm not.
I do not feel strong.
I'm crumbling, and I'm breaking, and I'm falling apart every time I remember them, every time I remember her, and you're the only one I have to talk to, even if only one time per year. You've been through this, so, I can only hope you will get a fraction of the pain that's been consuming me.
It hurts so much, sometimes I am hit by suicidal thoughts, but I force them away, even if it's been hard to want to keep living, because if grandma got a word about this, she would beat me up until she made those thoughts vanish of my head.
I know it may be selfish of me to be talking to you about all this, but I have no one else, I'm sorry to burden you with my pain, when you've been through yours, and I wasn't there to help you, even if it was because we hadn't met each other then.
I thought about you a lot, but it didn't felt right to say anything about it, after I turned you down. And I still can't say anything about it, because it would be selfish of me to project that on you, when I can't give you hope about anything happening between us.
Maybe you were drunk that Christmas, and imagined you were feeling that way, regretted the next day, and now you're with somebody else.
Look, A, I want you to know that, if you find someone, if you meet somebody you have feelings for, meet someone you once knew or someone new, and you find yourself crushing them, you should try something. Don't feel obligated on feeling whatever you think you felt or feel for me, just because you confessed last Christmas. It won't hurt me, in fact, I think it would make me feel shamelessly better.
I hope you didn't get COVID, I hope your family is still standing and well, I hope your sister is doing well, your mom too. I am also worried about you, but I confess I'm being consumed predominantly by grief, and I may be overworking myself, because it's the only thing I can do to take all this pain off of my mind. And that may be making me act without much empathy for everyone around me, and make everyone who works with me, hate me, but it's the only way I can act, without showing everyone how broken I really am.
*Sigh*, I'm a mess.
But at least the most stress I go through, the more effective I am at work, grandma wouldn't be proud of the reason why, I know, but she would of the results. I don't have the luxury of living my grief in total isolation, without doing anything, giving in to depression, because I have a purpose that was given to me by my paternal grandma. I told you once, but I don't if you remembered, but I made a promise to honor her, the work of her life, and I studied hard to be capable of doing ⅓ of what she could.
I don't want to jinx your Christmas again with my melancholy, A, that's not my intention, at all. It's just that I really have nobody else to talk to, I had my grandma, but I don't have her anymore, and I'm still struggling to deal with her passing. I don't think I'll ever be completely okay.
Enough of that, it's not all about me.
Tell me about you, how are you doing?
How is your mom? How is your sister?
Did you really move to England?
If yes, are you in Manchester, or elsewhere?
Is your life going alright?
Is your family all alright?
I genuinely hope your year went better than mine.
- P 🖤