Chapter 21

Shinji hesitated a moment before entering the the bustling classroom. Asuka bumped into him and gave an annoyed huff. "Out of the way, idiot!"

She pushed past, not waiting for him to move, and went to meet Hikari, who was standing near the front of the class as usual. Like she usually did, the redhead attracted quite a few of the other girls for whom simply to be seen with her would be a social boost, and the lustful stares and hushed whispers of several boys.

Shinji sighed and trundled to his desk.

Kensuke, occupying the desk next to his, looked up from what he had been typing at his computer station as he approached, grumbling dejectedly about all the attention Eva pilots got wherever they went. Shinji could agree that seemed to be the case some times, but only with Asuka as he and Rei never got any attention—and even if he did, he would try to avoid it.

His friend had never really understood what it was like, not even when one of them had gotten mauled by the Eva—by, Shinji reminded himself, him. He would probably not be able to look Toji in the eyes if they ever met again.

As Shinji set his book bag down on his own desk he looked around the room and quickly spotted Rei's blue mane. She was sitting by the window, her red eyes lost in the landscape beyond and far away from the noise and the crowd, an elbow propped up on the desk, her chin resting on a white hand.

She was always like this in class; never speaking unless spoken to; never asking a question of clarification on homework or tests or anything.

Looking at Rei, Shinji remembered what Misato had told him the day before, the same thing that had been bothering him ever since and almost kept him from getting any sleep but that he had managed to put in the back of his mind thanks to the morning routine and having to deal with Asuka's usual hostility.

He could not resist the urge to approach her—he had to say something to reassure her, despite being sure Rei didn't need it and that he would only be making himself feel better. In this sense, their relationship was decidedly one sided.

Shinji had known all along that Rei activating Unit-00 was compounded with him activating Unit-01. Asuka's Unit-02 was already active, though not fully-functional. That left the other two Evas. Misato had told him that he'd be there when it happened, probably because she knew he was concerned, but he hadn't considered they would do the activations back-to-back.

But that was the decision. Resource conservation, Misato had called it.

Rei didn't take her gaze from the window as he came to stand besides her desk and looked down on her, clenching his hands nervously the way he always did when something made him feel uncomfortable. He knew despite her indifference that her thoughts were not entirely elsewhere even if she did appear that way.

"Rei?"

"What is it?" she said softly, still not moving a muscle.

Any other person would have seemed rude. But Rei's attitude was something he had come to expect, and accept in a way. Regardless of anything he might say, and whether she disagreed with him or not, she would not make him feel as though he was completely wrong-she would not judge him in the same way he didn't judge her. It was that passivity which made her so approachable.

Which made him glad he had her; Asuka wouldn't listen, and if she did would yell; Misato would listen then try to talk him out of or into something; Rei just listened, nothing more.

"Um," Shinji struggled for a second to find the right thing to say, then it came to him. He should just be honest because Rei would want him to and because she would be honest with him. "Misato said today's the day. I mean, Unit-00 is ready. That means I'll be going back into Unit-01 as well."

For a second there was no reaction, and Shinji started wondering if he had actually said of that out loud. In some form or another, those thoughts had been running around his head so persistently that he couldn't be sure. Being worried about Rei seemed to have become like being worried about the weather: it happened a lot and without him realizing he was doing it.

"Is that so?" Rei sounded completely uninterested when she finally responded, her voice just a whisper. "Yes, I believe Doctor Akagi mentioned something about the current activation test being scheduled for today."

Shinji nodded. "Yeah, Asuka too. The three of us will be in our Evas today. It's gonna be busy, that's for sure."

"I suppose it will be," Rei said plainly. "I do not think the start-up sequences for all three would be scheduled on the same day. The available personnel might not be able to cope."

It was just like her to worry about personnel at a time like this. Detachment did not even begin to describe it.

Shinji wasn't expecting her to be concerned for herself—that would be rather unlike her, and would probably be more cause for concern than the test itself. After all, he was the worrywart. But he had, however, expected some reaction, something to show she understood the seriousness of the situation, if only to ease his own fears about the whole thing.

Rei could be a little too brave for the sake of everyone around her.

"Are you … are you scared?" Shinji asked, hoping his own apprehension didn't show in his voice. He only partially succeeded, but if Rei noticed anything she didn't let on.

"No," Rei said flatly. "Why should I be?"

"Well, it's the first time," Shinji said. He was embarrassingly aware that it sounded childish considering all they'd been through. "It'd be natural to be afraid."

"Are you afraid?" she asked absently.

Shinji gulped stiffly. "You mean about you?" he said. "Yeah, of course I'm worried. You've never done this before and the last time ..." He would rather not think about it. "But don't worry, I'll be there if anything happens."

"Like what?"

Like you dying, he wanted desperately to say, the memory of her sacrifice still too fresh in his mind. He caught himself. Rei might not be afraid—though he was fearful enough for the both of them—but she didn't need him saying like that. "Like well, you know, something."

"There is nothing to fear from 'something'." The word sounded weird when she said it. "You should be more specific."

Shinji let his shoulder sag along with his eyes. "I ... can't. Maybe I'm just in denial. I just don't want anything to happen to you."

"I know," Rei said flatly. "You wish to protect me."

Shinji nodded.

"And who will protect her?" Rei turned her head ever so slightly.

Shinji followed her gaze—she was looking at Asuka. The redhead turned up her nose haughtily and twisted away when she realized they were both watching her, continuing to chat with the entourage of girls gathered around her. She sat on her desk like a queen on her throne, her feet up on the seat of her chair, one hand grabbing the edge of the desk, the other playing with a lock of her hair. Glossy red, her neural connectors stood out vividly.

There was no doubt that she had once again become an idol to their classmates, but Shinji knew better. Unlike them, he had seen her hit bottom.

"Asuka doesn't want anybody to protect her," Shinji said sullenly, turning his head back to Rei. "It's you I'm really worried about."

He had no choice—how could he worry about Asuka when she wouldn't even allow him to do that for her? Every time he had expressed his concern she had thrown it back at him with vile and hurtful words. She didn't have to really believe he was being sincere, which for some reason she never thought he was, or feel that he was pitying her. But at least she could accept that he was trying to do something nice for her to make her feel better.

For all her hostility, Asuka did not deserve to be hurt any more than Rei did. Shinji wished he could be there for her, though he knew it was impossible because he was so hopelessly afraid of her. Rei was much easier to deal with; she didn't fight him every step of the way.

That, Shinji had long come to realize, said as much about himself as it did about Asuka. He had already accepted the fact that he was a coward when it came to the redhead.

"I do not worry," Rei said quietly. "Even the worst that could happen would not be so bad. Perhaps it would be for others, but not for myself."

Shinji couldn't argue with her on that, he just wished she cared as much for her own life as he did—maybe then she wouldn't be so eager to put it on the line for his father. It was an odd feeling to know what the person you worried so much about didn't care that you did. Rei Ayanami was always like that. She would do anything if his father ordered it.

And that bothered Shinji immensely.

Up near the front, Asuka was laughing—that high pitched laugh calculated to attract attention. Hikari too was smiling, happy to enjoy whatever joke she was sharing with her friend. Other girls look at her in admiration, even gratitude for being allowed in Asuka's circle.

Shinji felt the tightness in his chest ease. They hardly ever spoke now—Shinji wouldn't know what to say anyway—but slowly Asuka was beginning to come out of her shell more and more. When she had first left the hospital she hardly spent any time out of her room, only to eat or use that bathroom. She had isolated herself from everyone by her own choosing, perhaps feeling embarrassed at what had happened to her.

But now Asuka was coming back to her old self, especially around Hikari. Shinji was very glad about that, though it did not affect the icy relationship he had with her. Just seeing Asuka find some measure of happiness, however small, felt good.

He didn't know why, but Shinji thought it would have been just as good to have Rei be more like Asuka. To have her laugh a little.

"Why are you smiling?"

Shinji shook his head, snapping back to reality. He returned his attention to Rei, realizing he had been staring at Asuka, whatever expression had been on his face vanished. "Excuse me?"

"You were smiling," Rei said. "Why?"

Had he? Shinji had not even noticed. "It's nothing. I just … I was thinking of something that made me feel good."

"I see."

Shinji wasn't sure what she meant by that. Maybe had misunderstood the gesture, as she was not quite adept at human interaction, and even less adept with feelings. But the possibility that he might have been smiling over Asuka felt too weird so Shinji changed subjects. "So … listen, Rei, at least promise me you'll look after yourself."

"My fate is in the hands of other people," Rei said. "I have accepted that. You should as well. Doing anything else would just be painful."

Shinji felt a taste of bitterness in his mouth. Sadly, he knew exactly whom she meant by 'other people.' But his father didn't care for her any more than he cared for him. He didn't think Rei was naïve enough to believe he did. If nothing else, the slight hint of resignation in her voice was proof.

Rei knew she was being used.

There was no time for Shinji to discuss his feelings about his father. The bell suddenly rang, followed immediately by Hikari's call for the students to go back to their desks. The girls around Asuka scattered, chatting until the very last moment. The redhead peered over her shoulder—either at him or at Rei, Shinji couldn't tell—then again turned away and took her seat. For a second he thought he saw a sour expression come over her pretty face.

She was probably mad at him, he thought, but couldn't think of anything specific he might have done. Asuka didn't need a reason to be mad. Rei, for her part, gave no hint that she'd even heard the bell in the first place; her blank expression didn't change.

Shinji never stopped being amazed by the polarizing extremes of their personalities.

Quick returning to his desk next to Kensuke, Shinji dropped into his seat and pulled up his computer screen. Within a minute he had to stand and sit again as the teacher entered and Hikari called, "Rise! Bow! Sit!"

Looking around him, the rest of the scene seemed almost unreal. Regular students in a regular classroom, doing what students did in classrooms every day of the week. Nowhere was it evident that for three of them it was little more than a farce.

The teacher began his lecture in earnest, ignoring the dozens of bored faced doing everything they possibly could to pass the time without appearing to be doing just that. Most of them simply pretended to take notes while really playing with the computers.

His blue gaze descended to his own screen, and Shinji saw he had a message waiting to be read, from _Langley no less. He hadn't even noticed her typing, and Asuka never sent him messages. Curious, he clicked on it.

'Don't stand in front of the door next time and I won't yell at you, deal?'

Shinji blinked, confused. He looked up and saw Asuka sitting perfectly straight in her chair, not moving, her golden-red hair falling down to the middle of her back.

He read the message again. Even in her sharp, haughty voice it almost sounded like she was saying sorry. And though that was probably not the case, he wanted desperately to believe Asuka wouldn't have sent such a message for nothing.