The guard that died of a heart attack!

It feels like taking a bath. While clothed. In some kind of goo.

And then in the middle of it getting furiously dragged out, then plunged back in.

And then the process starts anew.

Over and over and over and...

*BARFFFF*.

Not too sure what I vomit, but it for sure isn't food.

Hell, it feels like the goo is leaving my body, but only air comes out.

The only respite being the divine energy coursing through me making it somewhat supportable.

And then I appear in front of a guard in a magnificent flash of white silvery light.

Of course, it would only be natural for any human being to be surprised, nay frightened if a stranger suddenly appeared in such a fashion.

One might even say that a heart attack would be understandable. Not that one. Oh god, not that one!

When I come through, I am confronted with two half-moon scimitars.

One on my neck and one in front of my eyes.

At that moment I become glad that my bladder is empty.

"TRESPASSERS SHALL BE KILLED!"

And I'm fucked. So Fucked!

Hello gods, I would like to book an Isekai reincarnation trip. Yes, for one.

Yes, real fucking soon. Reason?

No, not a truck.

What do you mean that doesn't count!

What ?!

One needs to be die in a worthless way for the isekai package?

I can assure you this is a worthless way to die!

This bloodthirsty guard has 2 half-moon scimitars, 1 full moon engraved breastplate, half-moon engraved helmet, pauldron, arm guards, gauntlets, greaves, boots, hell everywhere it is physically possible to slap an emblem!

I bet his underwear also has a half-moon! Or is that only when he gets erect….

Anyway! I'm sure that counts as a pitiful death! Let me book a reincarnation real quick.

Of course, I won't get an answer when monologuing in my head ….well, I do get one.

"BROTHERS LET'S BRING HIM TO THE CITY FOR TORTURE! HOW DARE HE TRESPASS UPON THIS MOST SACRED GROUND !"

Guess it's time I explain that I was actually summoned to this world by that worthless Lunar … I better embellish it a bit if I want to survive.

Let's do this slowly ….

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH HEATHEN !"

Yep, I'm utterly fucked.

Hope when the credits roll there will be a mention for side-side-side protagonist A, little old me.

A few burly men grab me by the limbs, put a blindfold on me and we go on a magical adventure.

But then I activate my trap card and start circulating some divine energy ! …..And I'm still stuck.

Glad I didn't try my luck in the god realm.

I can't even fucking deal with Lunar Shitface's followers.

Well, time to sleep.

*SLAP* Ouch, not the smoothest of awakenings. I'd rate this one 2/5 stars.

Definitely room for improvement…*SLAP* I'm up! *SLAP* I'm up I said!

Or tried too anyway. I'm gagged.

Not sure when that happened.

Let's circulate some divine energy.

I somehow feel better now. Then happens an intense face slapping workout.

This must be retribution. Karma for all the times I've enjoyed that trope in web novels.

This isn't how it's supposed to be done! Not literally!

After a while, I finally figure that the divine energy not only makes me feels better, but it also heals.

Let's just say that the guard is conscientious in his work ethic, slapping away until it shows.

On that note …why the hell is it the same guard from earlier?!

Wasn't he a guard at some sacred ground for the Lunar Goddess?

Shouldn't there be a professional for the torture part? How polyvalent is that fucking guy!

Don't tell me I somehow stumbled upon the employee of the month of the torture department.

If I could see my luck stat it would be some obscure value impossible in theory.

Great luck in finding the divine power, dog luck for it to be used to make me fresher for physical violence.

Anyway, after a round of slapping, comes a round of crushing.

Fun, fun times. Visit the moon faction.

Fun, fun times in a dark room. Slap slap slap.

Fun, fun times. No need to bring anything.

The moon faction got you covered!

Fun, fun times in a damp cell. 10 good fingers.

Fun, fun times heathens all die. 8 fingers since 2 got crushed!

Fun, fun times the clock ticks. 4 Fingers.

Fun, fun times how does the time pass quickly when we have fun.

No Finger! Guess It's time to go bye-bye.

I pass out, come back to my senses, pass out again.

Fucking kill me. I'm not used to the pain.

Let it fucking end.

I'd say the worst part is to voluntarily abstain from healing myself.

Let it end.

But if I heal it won't end. Ever.

Divine energy is some kind of magical heal all it seems.

Fuck me. It hurts like hell!

Then the end comes.

DARKNESS.

****

They fucking wake me up again.

How am I even alive?!

I realize I've been sobbing for a while now.

My throat is hoarse.

I didn't shit myself. My bladder empty remember.

The other guard hands me some kind of artifact.

Ah. There is another guard. Since when?

Not that it matters. It won't change anything.

He pricks some part of my body and it hurts a lot.

I'm already hurting everywhere so much I barely register it.

Blood flows on the thing. The gag is gone. I'm told to repeat an oath.

Soul oath or something. Won't lie or my soul will be tortured forever.

Don't see the difference. Some kind of lie detector bullshit. Wait that might be a chance!

I sense a strand of divinity making my thoughts slightly clearer at that moment.

My barely conscious self tells them that there will be an 8th great war of the gods.

That the Lunar goddess summoned me herself.

That she needed a champion to fight for her.

Winning her favor will allow said champion to acquire unfathomable power.

The guard somehow becomes angry.

Something about it being impossible for a weakling like me to be a champion.

I look at him and utter weakly that the goddess herself was shocked by my potential.

He's looking insane. Haha. It hurts so fucking much.

At least I fooled that fucking guard before my death.

Hopefully, he commits suicide from grief knowing he single-handedly screwed up his goddess' plans.

At least their artifact seems to be corroborating that story.

Well, I know it very well. I'm no champion.

And even if I had the potential to, I wouldn't want to be one.

Being a pawn in that woman's scheme. Fuck no!

In any case, I only uttered the truth. She indeed was very shocked by my potential of 0.

My only regret is only being able to fuck with that one guard before I leave this dogshit world.

*CLANG*

The other guard runs out of the room in a hurry closing the door.

Well good for you. You can run. I'm stuck here.

Hello, darkness my old friend. Let the darkness come to me.

Just as I was preparing to exhale my last, the metal door opens.

I see a man, then a flash of silvery light. It's going toward that employee of the month torturer.

****

Turns out that the guard did die from a heart attack.

Well. An attack to his heart in any case.

With a great sword.

The heart got split in half.

As well as the rest of the body.

I at least saw this one guard perish before my own demise.

And just as I slip into darkness again it hits me.

Getting your fingers crushed isn't life-threatening at all.