Cold eyes

~~~~~

First thing in the morning, it rained cats and dogs, to my chagrin.

And it was damn cold.

"Badtrip, wala akong jacket." Bubulong-bulong ako sa sarili habang paakyat ang elevator. All the other passengers with me were wearing warm, long-sleeved clothing. They looked comfortable even with the low temperature. Ako naman ay nagsisimula nang manginig sa suot kong sleeveless at manipis na dress.

Kung wala lang ibang tao ay nabatukan ko na ang sarili kong ulo. Tanga. OOTD pa more!

But the moment I opened my locker and saw a godsend object sitting there quietly, innocently, I all but praised the heavens above.

May jacket ako! May jacket ako! OMG! I will survive! Thank you, Lord!

Ah, bahala nang hindi ito akin, gagamitin ko ito. At that moment, I didn't care whose it was. Basta hindi lang ako mag-feeling nasa ituktok ng Mt. Everest. I needed the warmth. I needed protection from the cold. So I wore it and didn't give a damn about the nice after-smell. There was a purpose for everything.

Ito ang purpose ng jacket na ito.

The rest of the morning went by in a rainy blur.

Type type type.

Edit edit edit.

Read read read.

Type type type.

"Rain, Miss L wants to see you," Jaina said to me at around eleven. I just saw her coming out of the Chief Editor's Office, so Miss L might have asked her to send me in on her way out.

Napapangalahati ko na sana ang isang twenty-line poem ngunit agad kong ni-lock ang computer saka tumayo. I looked up at Jaina and smiled. "Thanks, girl."

"No prob. By the way, nice jacket."

Nagkibit-balikat lang ako saka tinungo ang opisina ni Miss L. Baka madulas pa akong hindi ito sa'kin. I mean, would anyone believe me if I said I just found it lying abandoned on the ground so I took it home out of pity?

Probably. Basta hindi ko nalang sasabihin kung magkano ito sa merkado.

"Hello, Rain. Please come in. Have a seat."

As usual, Miss L was being very cordial and approachable. Mabait ang ngiti niya habang papalapit ako. She was always in a good mood so I was already expecting that. Ang hindi ko ine-expect ay ang magiging reaksyon niya nang bumaba ang tingin niya sa aking suot.

Her smile dropped, and her mouth formed an 'o'.

"I-is that . . ." she trailed off, her eyes intently glued on the jacket as if she was trying to figure something out. "Is that yours?"

Now it was my turn. Napanganga rin ako sa tanong niya. "P-pardon?"

Agad namang natauhan si Miss L. She shook her head and rapidly blinked her eyes. "Oh, dear. I'm sorry. It was rude of me." Tumawa siya ng pagak. "I just thought . . . I mean, it must be the gloomy weather. Forget what I said. I wanted to talk to you about the upcoming company anniversary. Wait a second."

She left her table and went to get something from the filing cabinet by the wall.

"O-okay, Miss," sambit ko nalang para mawala na ang medyo akward na pakiramdam sa paligid.

Did she somehow sense I was wearing "borrowed" clothing? Ganoon ba katalas ang senses ng boss naming 'to? Hindi lang mga mali sa manuscripts ang nahuhuli kundi pati pagsusuot ng damit na di mo pagmamay-ari?

What was she, an undercover fashion police?

Dammit. That was weird. Really weird. Kinabahan ako doon, ah.

"Here," untag niya sa'kin kaya bahagya akong nagitla. May iniabot siyang itim na envelope sa'kin at agad ko namang tinanggap iyon. "Open it," she said. "It's a sample programme Rei designed for the event, since our department is in charge of it this year. I was thinking you can emcee together with Jaina? She tells me you've had a lot of experience hosting events before." Umangat ang dalawang kilay niya. "Is it okay with you?"

So it turned out that's what she wanted to talk about. Syempre, tango lang ako ng tango habang nagdi-discuss si Miss L tungkol sa flow ng event and whatnot. Tinanggap ko naman ang task ng pagiging emcee. Matatawag na akong beterano sa field na iyon. Elementary. High school. College. I was always up on the stage in charge of the ceremonies. It would be a piece of cake for me even this time.

But at the back of my mind, I was mainly relieved Miss L was back to her normal self. Professional and confident and cool. No more staring at my outfit. Actually, sa tingin ko ay sinasadya niyang hindi mapatingin, eh. Somehow, that made me feel a little bit queasy.

I should never have worn this, huh? Kinakarma siguro ako.

"I guess that's it, then," aniya nang wala na akong maisip itanong. She smiled then waved a hand to dismiss me. "You can go back to your work now."

"Thanks, Miss L."

I stood to leave. Nasa may bandang pintuan na ako nang tawagin niya ako ulit.

"I almost forgot to ask," sabi niya nang lingunin ko. "Are you working on Ezra Kade's book now?"

It took me a moment to respond. "Ezra Kade? The poetry? Oh, yes, Miss. But I'm not halfway yet. His entries are quite long so it might take me the whole day."

Long, sad, and heartbreaking, I mentally amended, thinking back to the manuscript I was currently working on. Sabi ko na nga ba, eh. It was about romance, indeed. But instead of chocolates, hearts, and flowers, it was lonely days, empty nights, and shattered vodka bottles.

It was the purest love not returned. It was bitter. It was more of a tragedy than anything else. Ilang masasakit at masasaklap na linya na ang nagpaluha sa'kin simula pa kaninang umaga.

At kung nakabase man sa totoong experience ang mga nakasulat doon, isa lang ang masasabi ko.

Poor Ezra Kade.

"Ahh, so you're already reading them. Good. That's good." A mysterious little glint flashed in her eyes. "Ezra's my nephew, you know. Take good care of his first and only masterpiece, Rain, will you?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Natutop ko ang bibig sa sobrang gulat. "Oh, my god! Nephew?! Sure ka, Miss?!"

Malakas ang naging tawa ni Miss L sa aking reaksyon. "Now why wouldn't I know my own blood?"

Why, indeed.

I still didn't move from that one spot for many seconds. I couldn't. I was rooted. My boss just shook her head, thoroughly amused.

"It's almost lunch time, dear. Go now, before I grab a pen and paper and decide to sketch your shock face."

"Y-yes, Miss L. I-I'll go now. Bye!"

Bumalik ako sa aking work station na natutulala. I ignored Freyah's curious stare from beside me. Windang pa ang utak ko sa rebelasyong ibinomba ni Miss L sa'kin.

Ezra Kade was my boss' nephew? I was editing my boss' nephew's poetry?

Well, hell. Pressure was real.

-----

"R, sabay tayo pag-uwi?"

Nasa harapan ako ng elevator, along with many others, at naghihintay bumukas iyon. Nilingon ko ang kumalabit sa'kin at nakita si Freyah na nasa likod ko na pala. She wagged her eyebrows at me like the weirdo she was. I gave her a regretful smile.

"I can't today, Frey. Errand from the parents. Unless you wanna come with me?"

"To where?"

"Ayala Business Park."

She smirked. "Nah. Masyadong malayo. Next time then."

Pabirong iningusan ko siya. "Suit yourself."

The elevator doors opened and we got inside, gossiping about random things until we had to part ways at the terminal. Sumakay siya ng jeep at ako naman ay nag-taxi kasi masyadong matagal kung maghihintay pa ako sa pila. Dumating ako ng mall makalipas lang ng ilang minuto. Mabuti nalang at hindi pa masyadong traffic. I could just have my dinner here as well. Gutom na rin ako.

But first, the errand. The very special errand.

Tinawagan kasi ako ni Papa kaninang breaktime para ipakuha yung ipina-customize niyang diamond necklace sa Pandora Designs. Regalo raw niya iyon para kay Mama sa kanilang thirtieth wedding anniversary ngayong Sabado. And it was top secret. Other than him and Ate Vanice who gave him the necklace idea, I was the only one who knew about it. Sosorpresahin daw niya si Mama.

Syet, pwede bang kiligin para sa sarili mong parents? Hayy. Couple goals.

I went inside the jewelry store with that thought in my mind, so naturally, a silly smile was plastered on my face. But when I looked around to survey the nice surroundings, my eyes instantly met a pair of cold, dark ones.

My smile froze. My world stopped turning.

I knew those eyes. I've seen those eyes before!

Flashing lights. Loud music. That dark little corner. His hands, his mouth, his body on me. Biglang nag-flash sa aking utak ang mga eksenang iyon. Mga alaalang dapat ibinaon ko na sa limot ngunit hindi ko magawa. Everything came back to me all at once, clearly, vividly, like it only happened yesterday.

It was him. The owner of the maroon jacket. The jerkwad who dropped me on my ass. I had no doubt.

The flash of recognition in his eyes told me he recognized me too.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at akmang tatalikod at magpapanggap sanang wala akong nakita. Ayoko ng confrontations. They were awkward and messy. I tried to avoid them if I could. Ngunit ito na mismo ang humakbang papalapit sa'kin. Dahan-dahan. Walang pagmamadali.

Natulos ako sa kinatatayuan.

The guy was towering over me in seconds. Saka ko lang napansin na nakasuot siya ng formal business suit. Black coat, white inner shirt, black slacks, black, shiny shoes. Neatly pushed back hair that only emphasized what a handsome face he possessed.

Dammit, but the prick looked even more dashing than I remember while I probably looked like a disheveled, unkempt fortune plant! How utterly unfair.

"I've been looking everywhere for that," aniya sa mababang boses na pamilyar na pamilyar na sa'king mga tenga. His eyes raked me up and down, stopping a few inches above my chest. "Na sa'yo lang pala."

My brows furrowed a little. For some reason, looking at him right now in bright lighting and listening to his voice at the same time was giving me a different kind of feeling than I did at the club. I couldn't explain it. Something like a déja vu, but not.

Nasabi ko na ba dati na parang pamilyar sa'kin ang mukha niya?

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Ah, this jacket? At paano ka naman nakakasiguro na sa'yo nga 'to?" I touched the hem of the jacket slightly. "Do you have proof or something?"

Napasinghap ako nang walang ano-ano'y inilapat niya ang hintuturo sa ibabaw ng kanang dibdib ko, kung saan siya matiim na nakatitig kanina. "Y.G. These letters stand for my name. Ysrael Gallardi," he murmured, his eyes slowly coming back up to meet mine. "Does that name ring a bell . . . Arrain?"

My mouth dropped. My heart stopped beating.

What. The. Holy. F.

This must be one of those nightmares that feel so real. This has to be! Please wake me up now. NOW, I thought in sarcastic desperation, closing my eyes for a second for the sake of my sanity.

Hindi ako makapaniwala. Hindi talaga ako makapaniwala. No freaking way.

"You're joking, right?" I managed to say, though my voice sounded a little breathless.

Kumunot ang kanyang noo.  "Bakit? Nakakatawa ba?"

I couldn't help it. I snorted out a laugh. "Oo! I mean, ikaw? Si Ysrael Gallardi?" Yung obese na nerd na obsessed sa'kin noong high school? Yung tangang talipandas na nag-propose sa'kin nung graduation ko sa harap ng parents at mga kapatid ko?

That Ysrael Gallardi? Was this guy?!

I chuckled again to emphasize my point.

Imposible!

He really must be joking. O baka magkapareho lang sila ng pangalan at baka pareho lang silang Arrain ang tawag sa'kin. Purely coincidental, ganoon. Pero leche naman. Gagawin ko pang tanga ang sarili ko. I clearly remember I've never told him my name at the club, and if I ever did, I would have said 'Rain'. Not Arrain.

Never Arrain.

Ang pagtawag niya sa'kin ng ganoon ngayon ay nagpapatunay lang na . . .

Siya nga talaga ang Ysrael Gallardi na kilala ko noon. And to make matters even worse, my hands, the very hands attached to my body, had lustfully groped this Ysrael Gallardi's arms and abs and chest last Friday night!

Kill me right this moment, please.

Ysrael must have sensed that I was having a downward spiral. I felt him move closer and place one firm hand on my shoulder, as if to steady me. "You okay? I know, it must be a shock to you and all. But this kind of reaction is just too offensive, Arrain." Narinig ko siyang pumalatak ng dalawang beses. "Pwede namang, 'Uy, kumusta ka na? Long time no see!' Or you could at least say, 'Looking good, Ysrael. May asawa ka na ba?' Mga ganoon." He chuckled, but it kinda sounded off. "'You're joking' talaga ang makukuha ko sa'yo. I guess I expected too much, huh? You're Arrain Aldejar, after all."

"And what do you mean by that?" nakuha kong itanong ngunit hindi siya nakasagot dahil nagsalita akong muli. "But, oh my god. I can't believe I didn't recognize you. It really is you. Ysrael." His name on my tongue felt weird. Ilang taon ko ring hindi iyon binabanggit. I suddenly feel like such a mean bitch right now.

Nagpakawala siya ng mahinang tawa. It could have been just my imagination but it sounded sad. "Oo nga. I can't believe you didn't recognize me, either. Kahit sa League pa, nung pinagsasamantalahan mo ang kahinaan ko."

My cheeks heated. I shot him a disbelieving look. "How dare you."

"Well, how dare you forget me."

Hindi ko alam ano ang isasagot doon.

Paano nga ba, sa laki ng impact niya sa buhay ko noon.

Pinasadahan ko siya ng tingin mula ulo hanggang paa. Wala akong pinalampas na detalye. All the traces of the Ysrael Gallardi I knew before were now gone. Chubby pinkish cheeks, thick-rimmed glasses, tangled mess of a hair, haphazardly put-together size XXL clothes, uncertain look in his eyes.

All gone.

This version was one perfect sculpture of a Greek god. He was all planes and angles and sharp edges and . . . muscles. He was all man now. Confident. On top of his game.

And a stranger to me.

And that was it. As I stared back into his unsmiling dark pools, I figured out why.

They used to shine brightly whenever he looked at me before. Whenever he smiled at me before. Whenever he called my name. Yung para bang, makita niya lang ako dati ay kuntento na siya, buo na ang araw niya. Wala na siyang mahihiling pa kundi ang pansinin ko siya. Yun yun, eh. Yun yung nawala. His warmth.

His love.

Now his eyes were just cold. He was cold, even as he waited for me to finish my errand and then guided me outside Pandora. Even as he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. Even as he pulled a chair for me and sat in front of me, ordered our food and ate together. This would have been the dream scenario for the Ysrael Gallardi of years ago. A dream date with the girl he liked.

He should be smiling like a complete and utter fool. But he wasn't.

His curt smiles and tight nods as we talked about completely insignificant things were just like shots of ice shards to me.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit may masama akong nararamdaman sa dibdib ko. Was it my ego? My pride? Or my conscience, reminding me of what I did to him years ago?

Basta, ewan. I didn't feel good. All I know was, having dinner with him was a mistake. Dancing with him was a mistake. Kissing him . . .

I sighed as I walked to my condo building, which was only a few blocks away. Hindi na ako nagpahatid pagkatapos naming kumain. It's good he didn't insist. Baka kung ano pang masabi ko kung kaming dalawa nalang sa loob ng kotse. Tama nang "catching up" yun. At ayoko nang maulit pa.

Thoughts, all conflicting, flooded my head as I rode the elevator up to my floor. I shivered from the cold, both physical and emotional.

And for the first time since seeing Ysrael again, I was actually glad he didn't take his jacket back.

~~~~~