Freedom Wreckers

"I'm free." I told myself repeatedly, making sure that the words sunk in,"I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!"

I've never felt that feeling before. That foreign feeling called 'freedom'. I never knew what it truly meant to be free. Was freedom the feeling of happiness? Was it the accomplishment of your dreams? Was it...being a murderer? Whatever it was, it felt amazing.

However, there was also something else that I felt in my heart. But this time, that feeling was nibbling at my happiness: guilt.

I stared down at the dead man lying right in front of me. Blood poured out from the side of his open wound like a fountain. 'What have I done?' was the question spinning in my mind then. The answer was quite obvious actually.

I murdered a man.

As simple as that. The man who carelessly raised me in an old, filthy orphanage; The man who spanked me with a thick, wooden stick everyday; the man who forced me to clean the orphanage everyday; the man who didn't bother feeding me proper food; the man who raped me, twice.

That was the man I murdered. The world didn't deserve a man like him to live. No one at all. No woman, no child, no animal, no insect, nobody. But then, why? Why was guilt wandering around my soul?

"Does it matter?" I asked myself

All these years, it has always been about my feelings; the emotions I felt momentarily. I had been waiting to be free and to be happy, and now that I had all of that, I still wasn't grateful. I allowed the guilt to feed on my happiness. I needed more than just leaving an old building. I needed more than just protection from an old man.

I was...selfish.

I needed to tell myself that feelings weren't 'everything'. They were a distraction to one's mind-- a drug in fact. Once you feel too much, you lose focus, then you unintentionally do stuff that you aren't suppose to do.

When you're too happy, you make untruthful promises.

When you're too sad, you make silly mistakes.

And when you're too angry, you make regrettable decisions.

It was too late for me to regret the past. What was done was done. In order for me to let go, I needed to forgive myself, and forget the Caretaker. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it gives the future a chance.

Right now, my goal was to leave the orphanage building. I hoped there would be someone outside of the orphanage who could help me.

I took the Caretaker's clothes off him and put them on myself. They smelt of beer and sweat, but at least they kept me warm. I took the gun and the knife and walked to the large exit door.

I pulled it open and a bright light shone onto my face. It stung my eyes, but the warmth was heavenly on my body. There was a lot of grass by the door and insects crawled inside. I took my first step on the grass, smiling as it tickled my bare foot.

I breathed in the fresh breeze of the forest. After that, I knew my lungs were dancing with relief. So this-- all of this-- was what the Caretaker was caging me away from. May the devil treat him well.

I took another step on the grass, and another step followed the next. The trees of the forest towered over me, the green leaves dancing in the wind. The sky was filled with castles of fluffy clouds, touches of blue sticking out between them. The sun smiled down to me, and I smiled back at it. This was paradise.

I skipped around the forest, admiring its nature. I encountered a few deer and squirrels. It was a pity they all ran away before I could get the chance to befriend them. I bet they tasted delicious too.

As I enjoyed the peaceful moments of the lovely forest, I suddenly heard a gunshot from a far. I got a huge fright because the bullet shot through the tree which was a few inches away from me.

"I missed!" A man shouted from a distance

I looked at the direction of the voice, and found a group of men holding guns, rushing for my direction.

"Shoot again, dammit!" The other man yelled at the first man

Oh no.

I started running the other direction, dodging as many trees as possible. I had just escaped my cage, yet I was already a shooting target for a group of 10-12 men. What a lovely gift God could ever give me for my sinful deed. Nevertheless, I carried on running as fast as I could.

"Get back here, monster!" The man shouted, shooting at me

Monster? Was I that ugly?

"Get away from me!" I shouted at them

Suddenly, I tripped over a rock, and tumbled down a hill. I rolled and rolled and rolled, until i dived into a small river. I had a deep cut on my foot, and it hurt like hell. I had nowhere to go now.

"Help!" I cried out, hoping someone else besides the men would hear me "HELP!"

"There it is! Shoot it!" All the men aimed their guns at me. That wasn't how I pictured my death l. First, the Caretaker tried to kill me, and then a bunch of men, who also called me a monster, tried kill me too.

I hate men.

I covered my eyes to not see my life dash away from me with hundreds of bullets destroying my body. That was it. Death had arrived

"STOP!" a voice yelled from behind the men

All the men looked up, and I turned around to see the owner of the voice. It was another man, who looked middle-aged, just like the other men. He was holding a gun too, but aimed it at the other men instead of me.

"This is not the monster!" The young man yelled again. "Look for yourselves."

The men looked back at me, squinting their eyes. I was crying nonstop, for I thought I was dead for sure. The man in front of the others whispered among them, and looked back at the other man.

"Do you know this girl?" One of the men asked

"Um...she's..."

The young man looked at me, noticing my distress and desperation.

"She's my girlfriend."

I looked at the group of men to see if they were buying his lie. Their eyes shot wide open with shock.

"We dearly apologize sir!" They all said in unison, bowing at him.

They all rushed towards me. I ducked my head, fearing they would attack me again.

"Let us help you up, ma'am."

"No, no, no! You've scared her enough, now leave!" The man said

"But--"

"I said LEAVE!" He shot his gun up in the sky to scare the men away.

"Y-yes, sir! Let's go team." The group of men ran away as fast as they could. Thank goodness

"Hey." The man called

I turned to find him standing right in front of me with his feet in the water, holding his hand out for me to take.

"Don't worry. I just want to help."

Desperately, I took it and he helped me up, lifting my wet body over his shoulder after noticing my injured foot. He took me to a small cottage not so far away from the river. There was laundry hanged over a washing line, weapons laid against the wall of the cottage and food burning over a fire.

"My meat!" The young man cried, dropping me on the ground, and ran to the fire where his food was burning

"Ow...!" I whined, rubbing my butt

I watched as the man splashed water over the fire. What was up with men, taking women for granted?! He intentionally dropped an injured woman on the ground just to run for a tiny piece of meat on the fire. Was a tiny piece of meat really worth more than a woman?

"Thank goodness! It's still edible." He said, kissing the meat repeatedly

I cleared my throat to get his attention, and he immediately turned to me.

"Oh!" He dropped his meat on the ground and rushed to me, "Forgive me, Miss. Let me help you."

He lifted me off the ground and helped me into his cottage. When we were inside, I nearly fainted by the luxurious furniture there. It was like the Queen Elizabeth's version of a cottage. The walls were painted white, and an expensive-looking mat was placed at the entrance of the cottage.

"Wow..." I gasped in awe

The young man gave a small smile after he saw my amazed face.

"Here. Lie down here."

He laid me down on his couch. It was really comfortable and the fabric was amazingly smooth. This was a dream home indeed.

The young man sat next to me and placed my foot on his lap. There was a small table with a first-aid kit next to him. He opened it, took a white cloth out and placed it on the cut. The cut suddenly began to burn in pain, making me wince.

"Sorry, I should have warned you that the cloth has an alcohol treatment."

"It's okay." I said

He removed the cloth after a few minutes, then wrapped my foot with a bandage. He kept eyeing me from the side, which made me feel very uneasy.

"Why were you in the forest?" He asked, breaking the pregnant silence

I was puzzled by the question for a second.

"I live in the forest."

He looked up at me, confused.

"I've lived in this forest for years. How come I've never seen you here?"

"I've lived in the old orphanage, on the other side from the forest."

"Orphanage?"

"It's an old building."

His eyes lit up, "You mean the one that burned down years ago?"

"Yes, that one."

"Why would you live there? Don't you have a home?"

Home? I had a home once. The one I use to live in before my parents abandoned me. I've always wondered what it was like. What my very own room was like. Maybe I shared it with someone? Perhaps I had a sibling. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe my parents never wanted children. Or maybe they did, but I just wasn't good enough for them. I had a feeling the Caretaker knew the answers to those questions, but I found it best to not know them.

Not knowing hurt less.

"Hello? Are you deaf?" The man clicked his fingers at me.

"Do you have a home or not?"

"The orphanage was my home. It was my only home. But I can't go back there. Not again."

"Why not?"

"I just...I just can't. I don't want to go back."

"Then, where will you go? Is there a parent I can call to come and get you?"

"I'm an orphan." I said, "There is no one. I have no one in my life, okay? Why are you asking so many questions? Is it because I'm a woman ? Do you not want women in your house?"

"No...no. Don't be offended. I am just trying to help."

I folded my arms and looked the other way. The man sighed, got up and walked to the other room. I sat there alone. It wasn't my intention to start a fight with the man. I just hated the fact that he was a man. Even though he was kind to me and didn't mean any harm, I just didn't like him.

I looked down at my bandaged foot. Blood started to stain the bandage, which meant that it wouldn't be long before I had to change the bandage again. However, it had to do for now.

I got up from the chair and hobbled towards the door, wincing at every step I took. Just as I reached for the doorknob, the man's voice spoke behind me.

"You hungry?"

I turned and looked at him, "What?"

"I made some food. Would you like some?"

I didn't trust him. Why give food to a stranger? It wasn't like I deserved it, and I never asked for his sympathy.

"Do you feel bad for me?"

"No. I just was just offering you something to eat. Are you not hungry?"

I didn't answer. Instead I listened to how loudly my stomach grumbled. I wasn't just hungry, I was starving. I hardly ate at the orphanage. I didn't even eat that morning. My body was so fragile, it felt like I could just collapse and break into a pile of bones.

"So...?" He still waited for an answer

There was no point in me leaving hungry. I wasn't going to survive the forest in the position I was in. I wouldn't even survive one night in my own.

"Fine. I'll eat some."

-----------

The man escorted me to the dining room, where the dinner table was. On the table, there were two bowls filled with different colored food. The aroma of the food made my mouth water, but I wiped my saliva before the man noticed. I sat down and stared at the beautiful design in the bowl.

"What is this?" I asked

"It's called Bibimbap. Mixed rice. Have you never had it?"

"Can I started eating?"

"Um, sure."

I grabbed a chunk of food with my hand and shoved it into my mouth. All the flavours in my mouth was like heaven to my tongue. I needed to have more. I shoved more of it into my mouth, some of it spilling on my shirt. It didn't matter how messy I looked. My stomach just needed food. I closed my eyes and chewed the food slowly, devouring every single chunk of the food in my mouth. I swallowed everything at once and let out one loud, long burp. I used my sleeve to clean the mess on my face. I had to admit, but that was the best meal I had ever eaten in my life.

I looked up at the man and found him staring at me, eyes wide open with shock. He didn't even touch his food yet.

"What? Have you never seen a woman eat before?" I asked

"Women don't eat like that."

"But I'm a woman, and I just ate like that. "

"How sure are you that you're a woman?"

I fought the urge to smile at his comment. I pushed my plate forward and got up from the table.

"Where are you going?" The man asked

"To the forest, where I belong."

"It's dangerous. Don't you know what's out there?"

"Freedom." I answered, "I escaped the orphanage to feel the freedom I deserve out there. I won't let you trap me in your mansion."

"Escaped the orphanage? Wait... what are you talking about?"

Rolling my eyes, I limped towards the front door, but the man already beat me to it. He stood in front of me, holding his arms out to block my way.

"What's your problem?" I asked

"You told me that the orphanage is your home, now you're telling me that you escaped it for freedom? How does any of that make sense?"

"I...err..."

The image of the Caretaker's dead body suddenly popped up in my mind. All that blood, drained out from his body and spilt all over the floor, his dead eyes wide open, waiting for a fly to land on it. And his smile. That smile he carried with him to his grave. The joy he took to his grave, knowing very well how satisfied he was after what he did to me. That smile he still had on his face seconds after I shot him, was a smile that was going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Even after I shot him, it still felt like he was around, staring at my body without me knowing.

The gun! I still had the gun. I felt for my pocket to feel if it was still there. Luckily, it still was.

"What's that?" The man asked, looking at my pocket

"It's nothing." I lied

He reached his hand towards me, but I quickly backed away. Before I could get away, he grabbed my arm to stop me. He then slipped his hand into my pocket and grabbed the gun, his eyes widening with shock.

I tried to run away, but his grip was too strong. I couldn't go anywhere. Now that he knew that I had a gun, I wasn't sure what he was going to do with me. I just hoped he wouldn't kill me.

-------------------------

"Please, it's not what you think. I promise!"

"Not what it seems? Do you think I'm a fool?"

"No, I..."

"Who did you murder with this gun?"

My stomach sank. This was the moment I realized what it felt like to be the antagonist, the wrongdoer. Even though the Caretaker was a malevolent man, I had no right to end his life. Whether his death was justified or not, I found myself on the wrong side. Just like him, I was the villain, and I deserved the consequences that awaited me. Merely being born into this world was already a punishment, and now I had to face another one to depart from it.

It was evident that the Lord despised me.

And so, I waited. I knelt down and waited for whatever the man had in store for me. As I did, I closed my eyes and wept, as if the pain within me was harmonizing with the rhythm of my streaming tears. I cried like an abandoned baby. I cried like a child who had been beaten countless times. I cried like a woman who had endured numerous instances of harassment without being able to report it. I cried like a hopeless woman, awaiting her demise at the hands of a man.

This was me, the weeping woman.

"Just do it," I sobbed hopelessly. "Just kill me and be done with it. I deserve it anyway."

The man released his grip on my arm and dropped the gun simultaneously.

"Kill you?" he questioned.

"Yes, you idiot! Kill me! It's what you want to do, isn't it? It's what any man wants to do to me. All I ever wanted was a happy and free life, but because of you men, I can never get that. Now I'm stuck with this guilt of having killed a man just because he harassed me. Do you know how many times he did it to me? Do you? Or do you just think I deserved everything I got from the Caretaker? Are you just like any other mean, selfish, abusive men out there? Answer me!"

As I raged on, the man stared at me, quietly listening to everything I had to say. He didn't open his mouth to interrupt me in between my sentences. He just listened.

"I'm waiting. Just get it over and done with." I took the gun and put it back into his hand, but his loose grip caused it to fall to the ground. I took it again and put it into his hand, but it fell again. With every attempt, the gun kept falling. I wasn't sure if there wasn't something wrong with his hand or if he was just plain stupid.

"Just take the gun. What are you doing?" I questioned him

"I won't kill you." He said, almost as if whispering

I looked up at him, confused, "But...but why? I deserve it, don't I?"

There was a long silence between us. The only thing we did was stare at each other, as if trying to pull a proper explanation from each other. We stared so long I even took the time to uncover the hint of blue in the man's eyes.

I almost had a fright when he unexpectedly reached his hand out to me. There was nothing in it for me to take, so I just looked at his blankly.

"Get up." He said, holding his hand out to me. I took it and pulled myself off the ground. I took a step back away from him. He still stared at me with an expression I found hard to read. The fact that he didn't want to hurt me made him more mysterious than he was supposed to be.

"I...I don't understand." I mumbled, looking down at the ground, "I just told you I killed a man. Why didn't you do anything to me?"

"Because the easiest thing I could do is call the police and get you arrested." He said, "But, I won't do that."

"Why?"

The man sighed, "You look like you've been through enough."

"How would you know that? You don't even know half of my life story."

"Maybe so, but what I do know it that you've been hurt a lot. Nobody deserves that, not even you. I'm sorry you had to go through that pain that the Caretaker you are referring to put you through."

"It doesn't matter. You saying 'sorry' won't make the scars go away. Only time can heal them."

"And perhaps some of the ointment I keep in the first aid kit?"

"You want to help me?"

"That's if you want to be helped."

"There's no use. I'd just be a burden to you. The only reason men need women is for love and sex, not to pamper them."

"That's a stereotype. Not all men are like that. You only think that because you decided to define a man based on the only man you've ever known. Perhaps I can prove you wrong."

"Prove me wrong?" I asked

"Yeah. Just let me help you, then you'll see that not all men are that bad."

"How is that helpful?"

"Just give it a try, and we'll see if it helps. If it doesn't, then I'll let you go to the forest on your own."

I wasn't sure what game this man was playing at, but if it got me shelter and food for at least a few days, I wouldn't mind. As long as he didn't touch me, kept his distance, and didn't look at me in lustful manners.

"Fine, but I'm only staying for a few days."

"That's all the time we need." He said, a small smile appearing on his face.

Although I still had reservations about being alone with a man, I couldn't deny that this man was far more attractive than the Caretaker.