Sugar, Sugar! Ooh~

Oh hey there everyone. It's me, your favorite mentally challenged main character here, coming at you live with this fresh batch of horseshit that I'm being made to shovel all thanks to the bastard that writes about me.

What is this situation you asked? It's in regards to one of my servants. Or rather, the NPC that I made. I needed to make someone like that, it just made sense.

[Sebas, me and Mekhaine are busy right now. We've just had to deal with a minor scuffle with the local wildlife.]

[And before you decide to panic, they're not even level one creatures, don't worry about it Sebas Tian. Instead, get to reporting about the situation.]

[Ah, yes Ainz-sama, Mekhaine-sama. One of your creations, Mekhaine-sama, they're not cooperating with Lady Albedo, and it's proving to be grating.]

I couldn't think anything else but about how I'm going to make Anti fucking bleed one of these days to make sure that he doesn't so anything to worsen this fucking problem.

[Sebas, do you know how little that narrows it down? I have far too many annoying creations, and all of them were made for good reason with that sort of persona.]

[Forgive me, Mekhaine-sama. The creation seems to be calling itself Megatron, and wishes to see you before taking orders from Lady Albedo.]

{I actually forgot that I made the fucking Decepticon. Thank God Almighty that it's only just Megatron. That being said, he's not too useful aside from being a half-decent battler for anything in a larger size class.}

I groaned. It's starting to seem like my favorite thing to do to make myself less angry nowadays.

{And I didn't even implant him with any basic spells to contact me.}

[ Sebas, please have him sent to the Treasury, and have Pandora's Actor give him the [Message] spell. It proved detrimental to give him these spells since he did not initially need them back in the Old World, but caution never hurt anyone, at least when it was in moderate levels.]

[I hear and obey, Mekhaine-sama. In other news, there has been some rather peculiar gossip my Lord, in relation to your current *clear throat* status.]

I was confused a little bit until my eyes went wide.

[Sebas. I want you to tell me. What sort of status are they gossiping about?]

[By your will, Mekhaine-sama. Some of the lower servants, predominantly amongst the ilk of Lady Shalltear, seem to believe that you favor the company of their mistress, my lord.]

I fucking knew it.

[Sebas, I want you to do something for me, and ensure that this is done AFTER giving Megatron the spell from Pandora's Actor.]

[Yes my lord.]

[Bring every single one of those Vampires over to Kyouhokou, and give them my personal amulets of Major Regeneration, and have him use them as feeding stock for precisely one week.

My tolerance, is not some sort of game that they should be playing just to see how far I'm willing to put up with. And what of Shalltear?

I made it explicitly clear that I'm already a man that's taken, and painfully ensured to drill into every single one of your minds that I AM A MONOGAMIST. What did she say, how did she react to all of these rumors, hmm?]

I couldn't help but get a lot more peeved at something this minuscule. I even had a spit take at what I just said, and massaged my eyes for a moment.

{I'm getting far too angry over things like rumors. This is not good for my health.}

[Sebas, disregard that order to have the Vampires fed to Kyouhokou. Rather, have them sent out of the Tomb to perform far reconnaissance.

If they have the time and willingness to gossip, then they should also have the time and willingness to sacrifice for the will of Ainz Ooal Gown.]

[Your mercy knows no bounds, Mekhaine-sama. Lady Shalltear did not react to any of the rumors positively-]

[I can almost taste that accursed already Sebas, my patience may have been belayed by the minor calming that I've done, but it's still very low.]

[.....she did not reach to any of them negatively either, my lord.]

[Haaah~, why am I not surprised. Must I gather everyone in the Tomb to the throne room, while I stand alongside with Ainz to explain to you that I do not take rumors or gossip upon my marital status lightly?

Touch Me himself was a man of the law and justice, and he certainly knew that the invasion of a person's privacy is not smile upon.]

[I will disseminate your will immediately, Mekhaine-sama.]

[Thank you Sebas, it appears that the competence that Touch Me etched into your very existence has yet to dull. I await for the news, whether good, neutral or terrible.]

I closed off the [Message] between me and Sebas as I soon reconnected it to Ainz.

[Hey, are you good?]

[Honestly man, I'm peeved. No, scratch that, I'm actually pissed. Every time, I ensure to try and remind the NPCs.

I'm a monogamist, a man that loves a single woman, and I don't quite like the insinuation that I'm some sort of manwhore that bends women right in front of everyone and had their way with them.

But nooooooo~ I can't have even that. The first five times, I tried to laugh it off as a little joke amongst them. Sure, I'm happy that I'm so "attractive" in their eyes, but the next fifty other times got old really quick.]

[Wait...are you talking about the other Guild Members?]

Poor Ainz was a little shocked that I was just the littlest bits of angry at some of the things that happened between me and other members of the guild.

[Dude, of course some of them had annoying traits. Ulbert was an Archmage, sure, but holy shit the extreme edge proved to cut any chance of him getting any fucking pussy. I don't even wanna have to talk about the others, but I might as well.

Pero? Literally a sex offender, and is the most likely to head to a friendly and lok g vacation at one of the worst shithole prisons back in Neo-Japan.

Buku? She was kinda okay, but ever since the incident, even after all of that therapy, she still had some terrible thought processes when it came to how she made the twins. I don't hate her, but fuck, it's not the best coping mechanism.

Touch Me? I have no real words for the guy, he's far too into the RP aspect for some reason. And I'm not out if this pool, I've barely been in the guild, only really coming in when there's a threat of destruction.

You my friend? You had to deal with brain damage upon brain damage upon brain damage. I respect you for that, but this guild of ours, Ainz Ooal Gown-]

[Wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. I know.]

The both of us just kept at cutting upon the bodies and made damned sure that we didn't fuck up any of them.

(Well! I think that's every body dealt with already! Thank you for your help sir Momon and Sir Markus.)

Ainz nodded at them as we packed up and followed them again.

(Hey kids, you wanna hear a story?)

The members of the Swords of Darkness weren't all too loosened up yet to try and listen to some merrymaking, and it proved, since they were all more or less tuckered out while I was sitting shotgun to Ainz.

(Let them be, Markus, they're more than tired from fighting for their lives.)

I chuckled, making sure that I was playing by the role that I intended to follow correctly.

(Remember all of those wars that we had to go through? I nearly lost my fucking head from a loose bolt from one of the bastards that didn't get enough sleep.

Half-awake, and barely coherent man, holding a crossbow that was loaded, and was about to go to sleep when it fired, ricochetted, and almost went clean through my forehead.)

I laughed as the occupants of the wagon didn't really react to it.

(Thank the ones above that I didn't get shot, that helmet really did save my ass when it counted.

I was bitching half of the time about how it was obscuring my vision, but to be fair, it wasn't as bad as I was actually saying.

But it did make some of the shots that I wanted to take a little more difficult.)

(Hmm, sir Markus, I'd like to ask you something.)

Nfirea decided to grow a pair and ask me something rather odd.

(Well, fire away kiddo! I got some time to kill, and chats help me to get these done.)

(Ah, thank you sir Markus! It's about Carne Village, the Village that I'm from. There's, well, been some rumours.)

(I can assure you, kiddo, whatever it is about this so-called village, I might have some inkling about what it is.)

(There's been rumours of two inhuman beings, saying that they've decided to live there for a while. Is there any chance that this rumour, could be, well, true?)

I looked at Nfirea as the poor kid seemed to be a bit concerned. Dawww~ I'm gonna make sure that your girlfriend's gonna be bouncing on your dick like a trampoline.

(Well, I heard about it as well. It doesn't seem like that they're bad beings. That being said however, they did save the village from attackers, twice.

The first being the knights ransacking the place as they so wished. And the second being an attack from the Slane Theocracy.)

Nfirea seemed to deflate in relief at that knowledge. As if some sort of great weight left his shoulders.

(Now, ulterior motives don't seem to be on the itinerary for these folks, but it always proves prudent to ensue that they really don't intend to do anything aside from live there.

Did they ever say their names? We might have crossed their path once or twice.)

He stuttered a little before he cleared out his throat and spoke with as much clarity as possible.

(It was said that they called themselves Suzuki and Frank. And that one of them was a skeleton wearing tattered mage robes, and the other was wearing rags to cover himself.)

I made sure to freeze up at that, giving the impression that I realized something.

I [Messaged] Ainz as well to turn around in shock, and gripped my hands on my knees as I spoke quietly.

(....could you repeat that again, son?)

He looked at the both of us, as he was getting concerned.

(T-they were a skeleton and some sort of golem.)

(THEY'RE STILL ALIVE. FUCK!)

I screamed out as it woke up the Swords of Darkness, while Narberal and CZ Delta were looking at us in awe of our acting capabilities.

(Markus! We can deal with them later! We must make sure-)

I snapped my head at Momon, and made damn sure that m tone was extra loud.

(That they fucking escape again?! Fat. Fucking. Chance. We drop the kid off, and we fucking hightail it for the village, that's the only plan that would matter right now.

We can end them, once and for all, and you want to fuck around and play the hoo knight game? Bullshit! They have to die!)

(And they will! They will pay for what they've done. They will know the same pain that they have wrought upon us, but they must never see it coming. Just as much as we didn't see it either.)

We sat in silence, as the other riders in the wagon were looking at the two of us, as if we were actually warriors that have bled in ways that they couldn't ever truly imagined.

(If they escape, one more time, then that's it, they're never gonna resurface. They'll disappear, and we'll be left without their blood, rightfully on our hands.

They've done too much to this world already, and I don't intend to let them get away with any of it. And neither can you. That's the promise that we made to them. That we would-)

(I remember our promise to them, Markus. Don't assume that I'm a failure at keeping things sacred.)

(That's what I fucking thought. Get your weapons sharp and your mana ready, and I'll get as many rounds loaded in Big Bessie as I could. We're killing those sons of bitches and we're gonna make damn sure that they're well and truly dead.)

He nodded as I [Messaged] him.

[Great job, we got something really good going on. Okay, I'm going to shoot the script as fast as I can. We're going to get ourselves nice and high in the rankings of the adventurers, and the monster pair; Suzuki and Frank will be people that wish for peace after their entire crusade of suffering and destruction that they'd wrought upon "our lands".

We do a bunch of the quests, have some of the NPCs stage some "attacks" and cement the idea straight into the minds of the people that Momon, Markus, Nabe and Shizu are the tippy top of how strong a human can get.

Eventually, I'll get around to making something really different for us to undergo, but let's keep to the general idea for now. I still need to head my ass back to the Tomb to ensure my NPCs don't go on strike or something.]

[Guh! Don't remind me of that word. I still remember how my boss punished all of us just because there was a strike that was making it difficult to get to work. He docked our pay just for being late for two minutes. It was even a slow day, with nothing getting done!]

[Did you hear what I say, or was it too fast for you to catch? And you just had a case of selective hearing?]

[U-umm... I can explain.]

[You're incorrigible, I swear. Alright. We become famous. Frank and Suzuki will be neutral and peaceful. The Floor Guardians will RP as well. We need to make ourselves ingrained into the heads of the world that we're also the good guys.

That, is the plan right there Ainz. Please do not forget it, I'm going to cry if you do.]

{I swear to God right now, if this man has the bright idea of completely and utterly forgetting what I told him-}

[Don't worry, it was a lot simpler the second time around, Mekhaine. Though, Nfirea has yet to pick the herbs and ingredients, why are you planning so damn far ahead?!]

[Precautions, my brother, precautions. God above knows that he'd be willing to do some things that make it worse just for the shits and giggles.]

(Ah! Sir Momon and Markus! Is it okay if we set up camp for the night around here instead? Your moods seem to-)

(No no no, we're just two old fogey that got a lil riled up at some bad blood from the past is all. You don't need to concern yourselves with what we gone through, we're big boys, we know damn well how to deal with them.)

(W-well, sir Markus, I suppose that it would still be good to set camp for the night here. We'd have time to set a fire and cook some supplies.)

Paul was good at being the primary source of common sense amongst his group. Bit of a shame that he and the others die. You know what? I might change that.

(Well, slap my ass and call me Sally, I suppose you ain't wrong 'bout that. Let's get the poor beasts of burden some grazing time. You might just be lucky to hear me sing a little tune.)

I did my best to continue acting out the cowboy schtick, because goddamn I haven't done that one yet.