178. Chapter 178

Maggie knew.

She knew that Alex’s weight-of-the-world-responsibility-I-need-to-be-perfect-in-all-ways-at-all-times didn’t come from being Kara’s sister.

She knew that Alex’s weight-of-the-world-responsibility-I-need-to-be-perfect-in-all-ways-at-all-times came from being Eliza’s daughter.

And she was glad – truly – that Eliza had apparently taken Alex’s coming out better than Alex had at first.

But she also knew – and she wasn’t sure if Alex realized explicitly, so she said nothing, because it was something for Alex to work out on her own, and Maggie would be there to support her and love her unconditionally when she did – that Eliza was the reason it took Alex so long to realize she’s gay. Well, Eliza and the violence of heteronormativity. But Eliza. Because Eliza is what that perfection speech was all about.

And it made Maggie furious.

But she said nothing, and Eliza was Alex’s mom, after all, and she of all people knew how complicated parents are, how strange and counterintuitive and unhealthy love from a parent can be, so she was flattered and honored and more than a little nervous when Alex invited her to come out to Midvale with her and Kara for the long weekend.

She packed only her nicest flannels, her sharpest jeans, her most dapper jacket, her hottest boots, because the habit of being as herself, as gay, as humanly possible around women’s parents ran strong in her.

Alex shook harder the closer they got to Midvale. She rambled more and then lapsed into longer silences. Maggie glanced at Kara, who grimaced in solidarity, who grimaced in anticipation, who grimaced because Kara knew, too.

“It’ll be fine, right?” Alex suddenly squeaks out of nowhere. “Right, it’ll be fine, last time I saw her she said I was exceptional, right, I mean, you don’t call someone you’re disappointed in exceptional, right? And Kara, you haven’t really gotten hurt lately – I mean, you went to Earth 2 and that slave trading hell hole all by yourself, she’s bound to hate me for that – ”

“Alex,” Kara soothes, reaching up into the front seat, grateful that Maggie’s driving. “Alex, Eliza loves you. She doesn’t know how to communicate that well all the time – ”

“Or at all, most of the time – ”

“Okay, right. But she loves you, Alex. And you know what, if she doesn’t love you right, Maggie and I are here, okay? We love you. Unconditionally. Okay? It’s gonna be okay.”

Alex grimaced a smile and Alex nodded and Alex squeezed Kara’s hand and Alex held her breath, because they were pulling into Eliza’s driveway.

They got a couple of hours in without an incident, largely because Kara changed the subject when Eliza asked about where Alex was when she went to Earth 2; largely because Maggie let Alex squeeze her hand as hard as she damn well pleased whenever Eliza turned to ask Alex a question; largely because Maggie put a steady hand on Alex’s knee, gave her a significant glance, to tell her that she didn’t mind that Eliza was interrogating her on her education, on her history with the science division, on her motivation to become a police officer, to work with aliens.

They got a couple of hours in without an incident, but after Eliza asked what seemed to be the problem with locating Cadmus’s new stronghold and finding Jeremiah, Alex excused herself to go to the bathroom. Maggie didn’t want to make it seem like they had a codependent relationship and Kara didn’t want to make it seem like Alex couldn’t go pee on her own when she was around Eliza, so neither of them accompanied her.

But there was bourbon on her breath when she came back; there was bourbon on her breath and fire in her eyes and a slight wobble to her step, because she must have had way more than one shot, way more than two, way more than three, in the space of the five minutes she’d been out of the room.

Maggie and Kara exchange a worried glance, because they’d taken all the alcohol out of both of their homes, out of Alex’s, but Alex grew up in this home and Alex knew where Eliza kept the best liquor.

Kara excused herself to get water for everyone – but really, for Alex – and Eliza narrowed her eyes as she watched Alex collapse on the couch next to Maggie, tossing her arms around her and her legs onto her lap.

“Maggie loves me, Mom,” she said from her spot nuzzled into Maggie’s neck. “Isn’t that wild? A woman who loves me for exactly who I am? Funny thing is, growing up, after Dad, you know, I didn’t think that was possible. For someone – someone who wasn’t Kara, isn’t that ironic, that Kara’s the reason you put all that pressure on me and yet Kara’s the only one who really loved me – someone to love me. Like, unconditionally love me.”

“Ally, baby, do you wanna show me the beach, take a nice walk?”

“No, Detective Sawyer, I think my daughter’s too out of sorts at the moment to be strolling about.”

“What’samatter, Mom, don’t want the neighbors to know you raised a daughter whose body can’t break alcohol down before it goes to her head?”

“Al, honey – ”

“What brought this on, Alexandra?” Eliza wanted to know, and Alex glared as Kara stepped back into the room with a tray of full water glasses, eyes wide and eyes nervous.

“Do you have to ask about Dad like that?”

Eliza scoffed. “Alexandra, I have the right to ask after the welfare of my husband – ”

“No, no, I mean, like that. You have to make it into an accusation, don’t you, like it’s my fault that we can’t find him, like it’s my fault he’s still suffering. Just like everything’s my fault, just like – ”

“Alex – ”

“No, Kara, I love you, but god, Kara, sometimes you don’t get to play mediator! Sometimes you don’t get to be in the middle! Sometimes you have to pick a side!”

“My daughter, the soldier. Who would have thought?”

“Eliza, she’s upset, she’s – ”

“No, Kara, Alex is right. She usually is, isn’t she? You can choose your sister’s side, dear, I won’t hold it against you. After all, I’m only your adoptive mother. But Alex is your sister, through and through.” She stares through tears at Alex, and is silent for a long moment before she says, “At least I gave you one good thing in your life, Alexandra. By taking in Kara, I gave you your sister. At least I can you that one good thing.”

Alex withered immediately and Alex tried to stand as Eliza did, but she stumbled into Maggie’s arms instead.

“No, Mom, I didn’t – I didn’t mean you never – Mom. Mom!”

But the door to Eliza’s room had snapped shut, and Kara was setting down the tray of glasses and rushing to helping Maggie set Alex back down on the couch, rushing to help Maggie hold her shaking, sobbing, torn mess of a big sister.

“I did it again, I did it again, I could have just let it go, I could have just ignored it, why didn’t I ignore it?” Alex gasped, and Kara cooed wordlessly into her ear and kissed her forehead.

“Because you have to stand up for yourself at some point, Alex. And, okay, you know, you and your mom don’t have the most complimentary communication styles. But she needs to know what’s acceptable and what’s not. I would have been upset if she implied that about me too, babe. I was upset that she implied that about you. Because it is not your fault you haven’t found your dad yet. You’re allowed to stand up for yourself, Al. You’re allowed. You’re allowed, babygirl.”

She tugged her into her chest because Alex was sobbing harder, then, and Alex was reaching for Maggie with one hand and Kara with the other, and she was shaking and she was gasping for breath and she would have been inconsolable, but she was in the arms of the two women who loved her more than anything else in the world, so she calmed eventually, eventually, eventually.

None of the three girls noticed that Eliza had slipped back into the room until she was squatting in front of them, a glass of the water Kara had brought in her hand.

“When you were a little girl, Alex, you would always want water when you were upset about something.”

“Not just bringing it to me because I’m a drunken mess on your couch?” Alex grunted as Kara took the glass and brought it to Alex’s begrudging lips.

“I’m bringing it to you because you are my daughter, Alexandra. And I don’t have superhearing, sure, but I heard enough of what Maggie told you, and I… she’s right, Alex. I don’t always know how to talk to you. I don’t always know how to love you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t. You are my world, Alex Danvers. My entire world.”

Kara gulped and Maggie held in a skeptical sigh. Alex leaned further into Maggie for support, for warmth, for a love that she knew for a fact was unconditional, was active, was healthy, was home.

“Then treat me like it,” Alex said simply, and her words were strong, but her voice was small.

Eliza bit down tears and nodded and reached a trembling hand up to touch her daughter’s face.

“I’m going to try harder, Alex. Because when you rescue your father, I want him to see that we’re stronger together. Yes?”

Alex squeezed Maggie’s hand and melted at Kara’s sad smile and nodded down at her mother, hope crawling its way back into her heart.

“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.”