33. Chapter 33

Carina checked her emails while Maya slept before working on her meditation again. She knew she was going to have therapy the following day and was trying to make sure she was in the best mental shape possible so that maybe she would make it through the appointment feeling better than she had the last time. She was pretty convinced that it would go better, especially considering that she had been coming down with c. diff at her last appointment and had been running on almost no sleep.

She was feeling better than she had been right after Maya’s accident, but she could also feel her anxiety bubbling up again, worries about leaving Maya still present and sometimes overwhelming. She was going to talk to her therapist about it and also about maybe thinking about going back to work. She wasn’t sure when she would be ready for that, but she wanted to start working up to it, maybe trying to get her mind to let her focus enough to just see patients for routine exams for a few hours and work up to working for a longer time. She wasn’t sure how long it was going to take for that to happen, but she wanted to start working up to it sooner rather than later.

She knew once Maya was home, she was going to need a lot of help, and while Carina knew for a fact that Vic, Andy, Travis, Amelia, Teddy, Jo, and probably everyone else they both worked with would be willing to be at their house any time, she wanted to be able to be home full time to help her adjust for at least a week or two.

She had no idea how long Maya was going to be in the hospital. She knew her wife was making leaps and bounds of progress every day, but her stomach was still not doing what it should and her kidney had only just started working again. Her mobility was also not quite where it needed to be for her to be out of the hospital either, but that was improving quicker than Carina imagined it would.

She made a mental note to ask Meredith what she was thinking as far as a discharge timeline in the next few days. She was betting it would be at least another week but maybe longer depending on how everything continued to progress. Carina debated if she should ask Meredith about Maya’s discharge in private, knowing that sometimes, Maya would try to compete with doctors’ expectations, trying to get out of the hospital or get better faster than the timeline they gave which often lead the blonde into more trouble.

There was one time that Maya had dislocated her shoulder in a fire maybe a month after Carina moved in, and Link had stuck her in a sling and told her to rest it for four weeks, telling her she could see a physical therapist at the end of those weeks to get some exercises to make sure everything healed properly.

However, Carina had come home two weeks later to find Maya doing physical therapy exercises she had found on the internet. That had been a bad plan, and the blonde had pushed it too far and had redislocated the shoulder just as Carina walked in the door, starting her recovery time over, leading to a lot of unnecessary pain, and a completely avoidable trip to the hospital in the middle of the pandemic.

It had also led to a huge fight between the two of them that landed Maya in the guest room for a few nights because she refused to admit she was wrong. However, eventually, Maya came around, admitting she was wrong.

It was then that Maya had opened up to her about exactly how Lane Bishop treated injuries, illnesses, and any other signs of weakness. Carina was horrified to learn that Maya had never once been allowed to not run, not when she broke her arm at recess at 9, not when she had strep throat and couldn’t even swallow her own spit without almost sobbing, not when she had pneumonia and could barely breathe and ended up passing out during the run, and most certainly not when her ankle, which she had initially injured when she was in high school, acted up or got reinjured like it did at the Olympics. The only time Maya could remember not having to run was when she had contracted a kidney infection so bad that she passed out after a race and landed herself in the hospital for three days for a course of IV antibiotics and constant monitoring.

It had made Carina mad and sad and frustrated listening to her girlfriend talk about those experiences, but it had given her a brilliant insight into what went through Maya’s brain when she was injured or sick. Maya had spent extensive time in therapy working on deconditioning her brain from all the things Lane had pounded into it for so long, and when she was able to think clearly and slow down and process what was going on, it went well. However, there were times, like when she was sick, that Maya struggled with her emotions and keeping her thoughts in check and not falling back into old patterns and pushing too hard. She had gotten much better in those times too as the years had gone by, but there were still times when it was a struggled and would require all of Carina’s patience to not get extremely angry with the blonde.

This go-round, Carina had been worried and honestly still was a little worried, but Maya had proven over and over that she was listening to her body, not pushing too hard or fast, and doing exactly what she could handle. Carina was still struggling to fully trust that Maya would continue this way, but she was trying to. She knew Maya deserved her trust, that she had worked hard to earn it, and the Italian made up her mind in that moment, that unless Maya started showing signs that she was pushing too hard, that she was going to trust that Maya knew her body and its limits.

She smiled as she felt her wife shift a little in her arms, cuddling closer to her in her sleep.

“I love you Bambina,” Carina said, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

Maya smiled a little in her sleep, something that never failed to make Carina’s heart sing when it happened. The Italian then decided to listen to some music, not really feeling tired but also not really feeling like doing anything that required brain power. She quickly zoned out, not really falling asleep, but also not totally awake either.

About an hour later, a soft knock on the door brought her back to reality as she turned her head to see Amelia walking in.

“Hey,” the neurosurgeon said quietly, “I was here to see if you were ready to go to lunch, but I can come back.”

“No,” Carina said, shaking her head, “She is probably going to wake up soon. She’s been asleep close to two hours at this point.”

“Big morning?” Amelia asked.

“Si,” Carina nodded, gently starting to play with Maya’s hair a little more, hoping it would wake her up, “We went to the chapel. It was her first time leaving this room since she was put in it.”

“That’s awesome,” Amelia said, smiling, “Did it go ok?”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “It was nice to go there. It’s…an important place to us.”

Amelia nodded, knowing that Carina and Maya had spent the time Andrew was in surgery there and also that they had spent close to twelve hours there after he had died, Carina completely unable to leave.

What Amelia didn’t know was that was the first place Carina genuinely realized exactly how much her then-girlfriend truly was committed to their relationship and how much she had changed since she met her.

The moment Maya had told her that Ben had headed to a four alarm, Carina had fully prepared herself to have to sit in that chapel alone and wait for news about Andrea. She knew Maya took her job very seriously, knew that four alarms were big fires and that as a captain, it was where she needed to be. She prepared herself for the fear she had only learned about since she got together with Maya, the knot in her stomach that formed when she knew Maya was on a call. There were days, even in the earliest parts of their relationship, that Carina wouldn’t be able to eat or even think straight when she knew Maya was at a 4 or 5 alarm fire.

She tried to focus all her energy on striking the match to light the candles, her hands shaking more and more as she felt not only the anxiety about her brother but also about her girlfriend building to a point she could barely tolerate. She didn’t even fully hear Maya when she said she wasn’t leaving, but the moment she felt her hand on her wrist, Carina felt herself calm down a little as she realized Maya was staying.

It was in that moment that she realized that the Maya Bishop who was lighting the candles for her was not the same woman she had met in the bar. Sure, there were things that were the same, and her heart was the same, but in that moment, she realized that Maya’s priorities, which had always been work as far as Carina knew, had totally shifted. Something about that realization made Carina feel a little less terrible in that moment, and in all the horrible ones that followed.

Through the entire thing, finding out she lost Andrea and then trying to grieve that loss and dealing with the PTSD that followed, knowing that Maya was right there by her side, even when having her there felt too soft and overwhelming.

“Mmm, Car?” she heard from the woman sleeping on her, bringing her back to the present moment.

“Hi Bambina,” Carina smiled, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Maya said, stretching her non-broken arm a little, “Time is it?”

“It’s noon,” Amelia said, drawing the blonde’s attention.

“I slept a long time,” Maya said, wiggling her toes and stretching her legs as best as she could.

“Si,” Carina nodded, “You had a busy morning. How is your stomach?”

“So far so good,” Maya said as Carina sat the bed up a little, “I’m actually kinda thirsty.”

“Good,” Carina said, instantly grabbing Maya’s up, bringing the straw to her lips, the blonde sucking down a good amount of the fluid, “Good job Bambina.”

“I think that’s the first time I have wanted to put anything in my stomach since the accident,” Maya said, rubbing her eyes as she finished drinking.

“That’s good,” Carina said, “Does it feel like it’s settling ok?”

“It’s weird,” Maya said, thinking, “It’s like I can feel it all in my stomach, but it doesn’t hurt or anything. It doesn’t feel normal, but I don’t think I’m going to be sick right now.”

“That’s really good,” Carina nodded, leaning over and kissing Maya, the blonde wanting to deepen it a little only to hear Amelia loudly clearing her throat.

“I don’t mean to break up the celebration over fluids,” the neurosurgeon said, “But I only have forty minutes for lunch today, and I was hoping to actually eat and not just sit here watching you two make out.”

“Sorry,” Carina said, “Bambina, will you be ok if I go to lunch with Amelia?”

Just then, there was another knock on the door and in walked Jared along with a woman Maya hadn’t met yet.

“Hello,” the woman said, “I’m Chloe from OT. Jared and I thought it might be helpful to do a bit of a combined session this afternoon?”

“Sounds good,” Maya nodded, looking at Carina.

“Are you ok if I go have lunch with Amelia?” Carina asked, “I can stay if you need me.”

“Go Car,” Maya said, “Jared and Chloe have me. I will be just fine. You have sat through so many of these sessions and will sit through so many more. I’m fine. Go eat.”

Carina nodded, biting her lip a little as her eyes started darting around the room a bit.

“Car,” Maya said, reaching out, getting the Italian to give her her hand, drawing her very close so only her wife could hear her, “Hey. I am fine. You are fine. Go eat with Amelia. Get out of this room. I am doing better, remember? No more infections. Kidney function coming back. I’m going to be fine. In for four and out for four, yeah?”

Carina nodded, breathing a few times in and out with Maya before pulling away.

“Ok,” she said, nodding, “I will be back soon. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Maya said, stealing one more kiss, “Now, go. Try to get outside if you can. The fresh air will probably be good for you.”

Carina nodded as Amelia all but dragged her out of the room.

“You good?” Amelia asked, knowing full well this was the first time in a while Carina had left her wife and that it might be difficult.

“I feel…Anxious and nervous and on edge, but I will be ok. I know she is just fine and safe and will be exactly where I left her when I get back. Logically, I know all of this, but there is still a part of my brain that reacts without my permission.”

“Anxiety sucks,” Amelia nodded, “Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?”

“Just doing this with someone helps,” Carina said, “Thank you for making sure there is always someone to do this with me.”

“Of course,” Amelia shrugged, “Oh, and you are in luck because even though I didn’t have time to go out and grab anything, it’s food truck day and the vegan truck you love is here.”

“Oh, yay,” Carina smiled as they walked out to where the food trucks parked twice a week for the doctors and nurses and patients to get non-cafeteria food.

She and Amelia ordered their lunch before finding a bench to eat it on.

“This is good,” Carina said, taking a bite of her taco. “It’s so good to see you with an actual appetite again,” Amelia smiled as they ate, “I was getting pretty worried you were going to end up with a feeding tube like your wife.”

“I was eating here and there,” Carina shrugged, “It was just hard first with my anxiety and then strep and then c. diff, but hopefully no more illnesses for either of us and I have another therapy appointment tomorrow so that should help more with the anxiety.”

“I’m really proud of you,” Amelia said, taking a swig of her Diet Coke, “It took me years and a lot of really bad choices and hitting rock bottom before I faced my demons and finally got help, and here you are, in the midst of something hard, getting help to get you through it.”

“The difference is,” Carina said, looking at Amelia, “Is I am an adult going through trauma. Your first big trauma happened when you were very little and couldn’t get help on your own. And you have worked harder than just about anyone I know to heal from your past and continue moving forward. I am proud of you too. And you should also be proud of you.”

“You are a really good friend Carina,” Amelia smiled, leaning over and bumping her shoulder.

“So are you,” Carina said.

She truly was grateful to have friends like Amelia all the time but especially right now. She had had friends growing up and in medical school and residency, but all of those people had families that Carina was always invited to join in with, but she never truly felt a part of.

Coming to Seattle, she felt like she had a family instead of just friends. These people were willing to drop everything to help at any time no matter what. To sit on the floor with her while she sobbed and force her to eat when she was too sad or scared to think about it or to make sure she and her wife were taken care of on their best days and their worst. She knew that a lot of her friends here didn’t have families to fall back on, that they built these families out of the people they worked with and she had been welcomed into that family with open arms.

Andrea’s death had shown her some of just how much of a family they were, texts coming even when she didn’t have the energy to pick up her phone, cards being delivered day after day, food being dropped off so Maya never had to even think about cooking, not that either of them were ever actually hungry, but they froze most of it and then didn’t have to cook for a while after they had both gone back to work, and Carina was given a copy of the video played at the memorial (with longer versions of some people’s parts that had been cut for time purposes) that she and Maya would watch often. It was then, in the midst of losing her brother and essentially also losing her father at the same time, that she realized she still had a big family, both at the hospital and the station. It didn’t take away from the pain of losing Andrea, but it helped.

And now, with everything happening with Maya, she was again reminded of just how incredible their family was.

“You ok?” Amelia asked, drawing Carina out of her thoughts, “You spaced.”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “Just thinking about family.”

Amelia nodded, not prying. Carina finished up eating, Amelia still working on her salad. They chatted some, but the more they sat there and Carina wasn’t occupied with her food, the more she started playing with her hands, biting her lip, and just struggling with her anxiety levels again, feeling like she had been hit with it out of nowhere.

“Ready to go back to your wife?” Amelia asked, noticing Carina’s shift.

“You can finish your food,” Carina said, “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m almost done,” Amelia said, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” Carina said, “I don’t even know. It just kinda hit me.”

“It happens,” Amelia said, taking one last bite, “Come on. Let’s get you back to your wife.”

Carina nodded, the two of them heading back into the hospital. They got back to Maya’s room just as Jared and Chloe were leaving.

“How did it go?” Carina asked, looking at them.

“Really well,” Chloe said, “We worked on getting her clothes on and off and Jared did some more mobility and walking. She was getting a little tired at the end though.”

“Oh, Jared, I had something I wanted to run by you about one of my patients,” Amelia said, stopping to talk to him.

Carina just headed into Maya’s room, feeling her anxiety lessen when she saw her wife. That lasted about ten seconds before she realized Maya didn’t look very well.

“Bambina, what’s wrong?”

“I’m gonna…” Maya slammed her hand over her mouth as she gagged, Carina grabbing a basin as she all but ran across the room, getting the basin under her wife’s chin as she threw up.

“Shhhh,” Carina sighed, rubbing her back as the blonde continued retching miserably, “It’s ok. Get it all out.”

Carina quickly reached over, hitting the call button before going back to comforting her wife.

“Owww,” Maya said when she finished, leaning back heavily on the pillows, “It hurts.”

“I know Bambina,” Carina soothed, setting the basin aside but still within reach, “It’s gonna be ok.”

A nurse came in, “What’s going on?”

“She threw up again,” Carina said, not taking her eyes off her wife.

“Oh Maya,” the nurse said, “Do you think you’re going to throw up more?”

Maya’s only response was a gag, Carina quickly getting the basin back under her chin.

“Ok,” the nurse said, “I am going to get more meds and page Dr. Grey. She said she wanted to know if this happened again.”

Within ten minutes, Maya had had meds and was feeling better when Meredith walked in the room.

“Maya Bishop-Deluca, what am I going to do with you?” the general surgeon said, shaking her head as she came in, “I hear you are not holding fluids.”

“I did for a while,” Maya said, “But then, I started feeling really bad again and then I got sick.”

“Well, at this point, I am a little bit worried,” Meredith said, “You see, the meds I gave you this morning turned off the part of your brain that makes you feel nausea as opposed to the ones we have been using which promote gastric emptying, and today, you threw up as much as you drank since this morning which makes me worried that your stomach isn’t emptying properly.”

“What?” Maya said, “What does that mean?”

“I want to run a test,” Meredith said, “But I think you might have something called gastroparesis. Basically, the nerve that goes to the stomach gets damaged and prevents the stomach from functioning properly. It can happen from trauma or an infection, both of which you have had recently so I can’t be sure.”

“So, what does that mean?” Maya asked.

“I need to run tests first,” Meredith said, “But it can range from mild to severe. Absolutely worst case, you end up with a j-tube for the rest of your life, but that is very unlikely. Probably, you will have to be on a pretty strict diet of foods that you can tolerate, possibly some medications.”

“Will it go away?” Maya asked, biting her lip.

“In some cases, it can,” Meredith said, “Especially if it’s caused by infection. But most of the time, it’s life long.”

“It’s going to be ok Bambina,” Carina said, pulling her close as she saw the tears filling Maya’s eyes.

“Like I said,” Meredith said, “I need to run a test which I will get scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning. But this is not the end of the world. It is something a lot of people live with and do just fine with. It won’t keep you from doing what you love.”

Maya just sniffled, trying not to break down.

“Do you have any more questions?” Meredith asked.

Maya shook her head and so did Carina, the Italian knowing that if her wife had any questions come up, she was fully capable of answering them.

“Ok,” Meredith said, “I will have the nurse let you know when the test will be. It’s basically just going to involve you drinking something and having us test your breath over a few hours. I will make sure you get meds so you don’t just throw up the fluids. Oh, before I forget, if that kidney keeps working like it is starting to, I will probably take you off dialysis tomorrow.”

Maya nodded, rubbing her eyes.

“I am going to go,” Meredith said, “If you have any questions or need anything, just page me, ok?”

“Grazie,” Carina said as Meredith walked out, closing the door. As soon as the door shut, Maya started crying.

“It’s going to be ok, Bambina,” Carina said, pulling her close, “This is just another little bump in the road.”

“I’m so tired of it, Carina,” the blonde sobbed, clinging to her as much as she could, “I’m tired of complications and setbacks and new things wrong. I just want it to be done. I’m done.”

“I know,” Carina said, rocking them ever so slightly, “I know it sucks and it’s not fair, but Bambina, you can do this. Tomorrow, they are going to run this test and if you have gastroparesis, then we will meet with a dietitian and get you on the right medications and find exactly the right foods and drinks for you to eat and drink so you can feel better, and if you need to keep this tube in for a while, then we will figure that out too. You can do this, Bambina, we can do this. I’ve got you. I am going to be with you through all of this. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this, and if I could, I would take it away from you in a heartbeat, but you are so strong, and you are going to be ok. I’ve got you.”

Maya just cried, Carina holding her as tightly as she dared, peppering her cheeks and head with kisses, whispering sweet nothings in her ears until Maya’s body finally calmed down and fell asleep. Carina then wiped away the tears, kissing her cheek one last time. Carina knew that while gastroparesis was not going to be fun to deal with, and it would probably involve seeing Maya not feeling well a lot more often than she would like, that it was something that was manageable, though Carina was wondering how many more of these manageable complications were going to come up before this was all over.