Above the clouds

Clarke slowly opened her eyes. The bright light shooting into her eyes made her regret that decision almost immediately. Waking up felt different this time. The pain was still there, torturing her at a slightly lower level than before. In fact, it had now almost reached an acceptable level. But most importantly her head felt normal. No more dizziness or lightheadedness. Clarke looked around. She saw - and more importantly felt - Madi's head resting on her left shoulder, apparently in a comfortable position. Even though this severely limited her ability to move or even stretch gently, there was no way she could move right now. She didn't want to wake her up, but instead wanted to enjoy this wholesome sight of Madi sleeping and cuddling peacefully at her side.

Her eyes swept across the room and stopped at the IV bottle to her left. The infusion solution feeding her IV line was still three-quarters full, and judging by the different color of the bottle's label, Clarke quickly realized that her mother had most likely paid them a visit while they slept. Then, almost to her shock, Clarke saw her mother sitting on the sofa, half dozing. "No way... since when is she here...?" Clarke's mind went back to work "How did she manage not to wake us, especially Madi?" Astonished and perplexed, Clarke observed her mother. "Of course..." Clarke began to smile. After all, her mother was amazing. Her willingness to leave everyone and everything behind just to be here by her side was unparalleled. Except perhaps for Clarke's own devotion and affection for Madi. 

She looked back at Madi and only now did she notice Madi's new hairstyle. Instead of wearing her hair loose, she now wore it braided into a messy ponytail.

"I had to dilute the dose. That's why it's a little weaker now..." Her mother's voice suddenly came from across the room after she noticed that Clarke had woken up. She slowly got up from the sofa and walked over to her daughter. Without further ado, she planted a soft kiss on her forehead. "Hey," Abby said, stroking her cheek, "How are you?" 

"Not too bad... It's much better now..." Clarke replied. "Mom, I'm fine. Really," Clarke added as she saw her mother's 'not-believing-her' face. "And the pain?" Abby asked, not wsiting for her to answer, as she already reached for a tiny box. "Here, you need to take a few of these every day in case the pain gets too much."

"Is Jackson treating you?" Clarke asked her suspiciously once she noticed that her mother handed her some painkillers. It were the same painkillers that caused her addiction. "No, he's done enough. This is nothing to bother him about..." Abby told her while grabbing something else from the nearby desk. "Mom, you can't do this alone..."

"Don't worry about me, honey. And you have to take them for weeks and months at higher and higher doses before you... let's not talk about it... They'll help you deal with the pain. I know what you are going to say. But promise me that you'll take them when the pain exceeds what you can handle..." Her mother said in a desperate attempt to steer the conversation away from that subject. "Well, and these will help your liver rebuild itself... one pill a day. When the box is empty, you're done..." She said as she handed her another, smaller box of pills. Abby gave her a tense smile before suddenly kissing her on the forehead. "I love you, Clarke."

"I love you too, Mom. But you need help. You can't heal yourself..." Clarke tried to reason with her mother. "Clarke, it's okay. It really is. I can treat myself..." Abby said, but she was interrupted by her daughter yet again.

"No, Mom, you can't. I can help you. Please, Mom, let me treat you. I have the knowledge. You and Jackson have taught me everything I need to know. Besides, I could use a little distraction from my own injuries..." Clarke admitted, not without success, as her mother's expression showed the first signs of giving in.

"Please let Clarke treat you..." Madi's sleepy voice said suddenly, but almost frightened Abby and Carke, as they both seemed to forget for a moment that Madi was also there, even though she had been lying next to Clarke the whole time.

"Did you...?" Abby asked, reacting even faster than Clarke and getting a short, guilty nod from her in return, confirming that she had indeed heard most of their conversation.

"Sorry we woke you..." Clarke apologized, but Madi didn't want to hear it. "No, it's okay," Madi said as she moved her head to release the tension that had built up in her neck while she slept. Clarke immediately took advantage of this and moved into a more comfortable position before Madi again lay down next to her again, cuddling head to head.

"Okay..." Abby finally agreed with a sour smile, much to Clarke's and Madi's satisfaction, "I allow you to treat me."

"Thanks, Mom," Clarke said with a relieved smile.

"But now it's my turn to be the doctor," Abby said as she regained her stern 'mom' face.

"'There's one more thing I need to tell you, Clarke. Two things, actually, but first the medical part. You have a mild case of pleurisy..." Abby told her as she gently put her hand on Clarke's forehead to take her temperature the old school mother way. "Your fever isn't too high. Your night blood may help fight the infection a little faster..." Abby diagnosed her. That explained the nature of her pain a little better. In addition to her gunshot wound, this was the reason for her suffering. At least some of the pain would go away soon.

"Let me take a quick look at your wound," Abby proceeded.

And Clarke did as she was told and began to slowly lift her shirt to allow her mother to treat her injury. This caused Madi to sit up, apparently unable to contain her curiosity. She watched carefully as Abby picked up a silver plate from the table. A wooden stirring rod could be seen protruding over the edge of the plate. Then she placed the plate on one of the chairs so she could treat Clarke from a more comfortable position. Carefully, her mother lifted and unwrapped the bandage from Clarke's wound and took a few cautious glances at the situation. Judging by Madi's curious and seemingly non-disgusted expression, it didn't look too bad. Clarke on the othrt hand had no intention of looking at her wounded body. Everything about the situation sucked. 

"We had to cauterize a lot of the tissue to stop the bleeding," Abby explained as she stirred the plate again. She then took a sterilized glove on and began to spread the healing paste evenly over the wound. Although she tried to be as gentle as possible, the process was not without some pain. 

"There's something else I wanted to talk to you about..." Abby said after finishing her treatment and putting the plate of paste back on the table.

"Yeah? What is it?" Clarke asked her curiously.

"Octavia and Niylah," Abby said straight out, while removing the glove from her hand and placing it next to the plate

"Oh..." Clarke said as she twisted her eyes. On the one hand because the paste was starting to work now and caused a sharp burning sensation on her skin while slowly penetrating deeper and deeper into her flesh, but mainly because she had to deal with this topic again. Staying passive and silent was the best way to avoid it completely. Even if only for the moment. But maybe it was for another reason. At least that was her very small but somewhat realistic hope.

"Niylah and I spoke before I came to see you... She told me, or rather expressed her fear, that you didn't want to see her... or Octavia..." Abby began as she prepared another set of bandages.

"Mom, please. Not now..." Clarke begged her mother to postpone this unpleasant topic. Again, she hadn't thought about how to deal with Niylah and Octavia. The sting, especially from Niylah's betrayal, was deep, much deeper than the bullet ever went into her body. As for Octavia, Clarke tried to understand her motives and reasons. It was still a mystery, and deep in her heart she couldn't believe that Otavia had just randomly turned into this. No, something had happened. Something made her like this. But maybe this was always inside her, just waiting to be unleashed. Clarke remembered that she was willing to sacrifice the entire population of Mount Wheater to save her people, her friends but especially her mom. The very thing that made her Wanheda. This was always in her. And still is: That dark and ruthless side. The side that willingly almost sacrificed Bellamy's life to save Madi. But maybe to also punish him. And even now, she was willing to do it again, knowing the consequences.

"Okay. But you can't run away from this. Neither of us can..." Abby reminded her. "You know that Niylah is much more capable of helping you regain your physical strength than I am. You have been lying down for almost three days, and I know you too well not to see your urgent desire to get up and walk around again. So I will help you this time, but later I will send you Niylah and you will accept her help and resolve whatever is between you..." Her mother suddenly sounded very strict, just back when Clarke was a child and had one of her few rebellious phases. Clarke just gave her a quick nod as Abby began to remove her IV so she could get up.

"Allright, come on," Abby said as Clarke slowly turned to the bedside. "Get up," Abby ordered Clarke, who promptly did as she was told. "How's the pain?" Abby asked her calmly. "It's okay. Not too bad," Clarke replied breathlessly as her heart rate increased significantly. For a brief moment she felt as if her legs were about to buckle, but that was probably just due to the time she had spent lying down. All her body needed was a quick boost of confidence to get back on track. A dull throbbing coming from her upper stomach was the only side effect so far. Not too bad...

Meanwhile, Madi had crawled out of bed and walked as quietly as possible around the bed to watch and support Clarke's efforts to get back on her feet. "Okay. Whenever you're ready, try to stand all the way up," Abby encouraged her, gently holding her hands for support if she needed it.

And then it happened. Clarke slowly rose from the bed. What hadn't seemed like a big deal at first suddenly felt like a lot more work than she'd expected. Just getting up was a feat of strength. A power consuming act, no doubt. Once she was fully up, she felt the blood rush deep into her legs until they began to tickle slightly. "Shake your legs a little. Give your body a few moments," Abby explained. She was fully in her medical role, not caring that Clarke was aware of it as well. Clarke felt her heart pounding as this was the hardest it had to beat in the last few days. Despite that and the fact that her muscles felt stiff and actually ached a little, she was okay. But it was no match for the feeling of being back on her feet again. Clarke looked into her mother's tired hazel eyes. A short and subtle nod indicated to her mother that she felt ready to continue. "And now for the trickiest part…"

"Okay," Abby said as she gently placed her arms around Clarke's elbows. For some reason, even though she didn't want to do it, she instinctively grabbed her mother's arms back just for that extra sense of security. Clarke then took her first tentative step with her mother's help. It wasn't bad, in fact she already bübegan to feel embarrassed to be assisted by her mother. "Just a few more steps and I'll send her off," Clarke thought, gaining confidence with each step. 

Now it was time to pick up the pace and to find out how well this experiment would go. So far, the pain was not too bad. At least compared to the highest level. Even though her intestines began to feel different after a few more steps. But she was resolved to continue. "Octavia got stabbed by Echo and recovered in no time..." Clarke thought about the fight between the two and it's consequences. And then she remembered how she had saved Octavia's life. Clarke stopped after a few more steps. Suddenly she began to wonder. "Did mom have to revive me, too?"

She took her hands from her mother's arms and gently freed herself from her mother's grip. A brief supportive nod from her mother signaled that she was now free to move on her own. Clarke then took her eyes off her mother. She focused on the door. This was her destination. Slowly, but confidently, she made her way to the entrance. Upright and trying not to make too much of a scene. When she reached the door, the thought of a quick glance out into the hallway crossed her mind, but knowing that neither her mother nor Madi would be too pleased with that idea, she slowly began to turn around and walk back to them. Surprisingly, walking wasn't too difficult, although she could definitely feel more and more twists and turns coming from her upper stomach now.

"I was shot in the liver, not the legs, Mom," Clarke declined Abby's offer to help her as she tried to sit down on the bed after she had finished her walk across the room. She then looked at Madi, who gave her a big satisfied smile.

"Can I have my clothes back, Mom?" Clarke asked as she made herself comfortable on the bed again. Having to wear those improvised hospital clothes was anything but comfortable. It was actually embarrassing, despite someone seemed to have tried to make them look as normal as possible. 

"Yes, of course. We had to cut open your shirt but your jacket and pants are fine. Don't worry I already replaced them as best I could. You can change if you want," Abby told her, already knowing that Clarke might ask for it. "Thanks..." Clarke expressed her gratitude for her mother's thoughtfulness. "You too, Madi. I will bring your clothes to you as soon as they are ready..." Abby promised when she saw Madi's questioning face after using her intuition to guess what Madi's request might be.

"How's Kane?" Clarke asked her mother, now that she realized he wasn't with her.

"He's still in pain, but anyone would be after someone tried to bite a chunk out of their arm," Abby replied, "I told him to stay in bed for a while before going back to work. He refused to take the painkillers, but maybe you are smarter than him..." She said, not without picking up the pill box again and shaking it almost provocatively. Almost on cue, the pain returned to her stomach with all of its force. The short walk she had just taken was beginning to take its toll.

"She's right, Clarke," Madi suddenly supported Abby, much to her and Clarke's surprise. "She doesn't want you to suffer. Neither do I... And none of us wants you to become an addict..."

"It's true, Clarke. I promise you I'll never let this happen to you. What I did to myself shouldn't be a standard for you... or anyone else... We should all use this break to collect ourselves and find our better selves again..." Abby said, sounding as if she had just attended another council meeting on the ark. 

"Starting with you getting sober, Mom," Clarke replied, knowing this might be the hook she needed to finally get her mother to come to her senses. .

"Starting with you getting better," Abby countered her daughter.

"I'm fine, Mom," Clarke replied. But it was hopeless to continue this conversation. Obviously, they only wanted the best for each other.

"You wouldn't believe it if I told you the same thing. So... No, I'm not doing well. It's hard for me, but I'm trying as best I can..." Abby surprised not only Clarke with her sudden honesty: "That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? And now that it's out in the open, I don't believe you, Clarke. And neither does Madi."

"It hurts. Sometimes it stings and it feels like it burns all the time..." Clarke confessed, much to her mother's satisfaction. "Take one of the pills if it gets too strong," Abby offered, "and here, you definitely need to take this now. Jackson had to cut off a small part of your liver. It will grow back. But you need to take this to help your body deal with it," Abby handed her the pill and a glass of water. Clarke quickly swallowed the pill and rinsed it down with the rest of the water from the glass. "That'll have to do..."

"Are Bellamy and Echo back?" Clarke asked her mother after that part was done.

"No, I don't think so. But I only talked to Niylah and Jackson about today's routine because I wanted to check on you first. It's too quiet for them to be back..." Abby's words comforted her a little, but not much.

"Okay..." Clarke remarked. Her eyes wandered immediately to the clock. It was almost 10 a.m., which meant they had been away for almost six hours now. "They're taking their time... That's what they do..."

"I'm sorry, honey, but I have to go. I have to check on Marcus and the other patients..." Abby announced with a sad face after her eyes followed Clarke's to the clock. "I'll be back very soon."

"Mom, remember what you promised me?" Clarke tried to remind her while Abby gathered a few things together.

"Don't worry. I won't forget my appointment, Dr. Griffin. But you also do what I told you..." Abby reminded her. "Fine, okay, Mom," Clarke relented to make sure she accepted this agreement. "Very well. Madi, keep an eye on Clarke. I'm counting on you..." Abby said with a victorious smile, knowing that Clarke was powerless against Madi. 

"No wandering without permission or supervision," Abby said, as if Clarke and Madi were two friends about to have their first sleepover.

"Sure I will. She's not going anywhere without me..." Madi promised Abby, who was already at the door. 

"I love you," Abby said goodbye and walked out the door before Clarke could say anything in return.

"You know I never leave without you," Clarke reminded her after the door closed. But Madi was already up and on her way to get something from the nearby table.

"I know, Clarke," Madi replied and Clarke could see her pouring some water into her glass. 

"Here," Madi said as she came back from the table and handed her some water to drink. Although she had not asked for a drink, she was certainly thirsty and appreciated Madi's attention.

"Clarke..." Madi started right after Clarke took her first sip of water, "You'll have to forgive them," and then Clarke just realized that Madi had handed her the drink on purpose, knowing that she would take a few sips and therefore not be able to interrupt her. "Clever little thing..."

"You don't know what happened in the bunker. We don't know. And that is why we have to find out what happened. I don't think they meant to hurt you..." Madi explained. For a moment, Clarke tried to figure out why Madi wanted to talk about the bunker right now, until she realized what this was really about: Octavia and Niylah. But why was that so important to her?

"Madi…"

"Tell me why you are mad at them..." Madi insisted before Clarke could even begin her sentence. "Why aren't you angry at Octavia for almost killing me? But that is not the reason..." Clarke asked her in return.

"I asked you first," Madi insisted. "You know what I would have done if she had killed you. The same thing you would have done if it had been me. I wouldn't have let it happen. That's why I took the flame... I thought it was the right thing to do to save you... Like you saved me..." She said softly, "We both know this isn't the Octavia you used to know and that you told me all those stories about. Unless... unless you lied to me?" Madi added, knowing she had Clarke on the hook.

"So something happened to Octavia. Something made her this way. Or someone. She's your friend. She cares about you and wants to help you... She swore to me earlier, when I was gathering our things with Bellamy, that she would protect us at all costs. Even with her life... I don't want her to do this, but she wouldn't go this far if she didn't care. She really feels guilty, I can tell. And she should feel that way. But it's not all her fault. I just can't believe it..." Madi explained as she turned on her side and found a new relaxed place to lie.

"Did you just say that or was it Lexa..." Clarke asked her, looking at Madi with her most serious face so that she would not even dare to try to lie to her. A part of her really wished that Madi had said all those things herself.

"Don't keep asking me that. And even if... She just wants to help you..." Madi tried to reassure Clarke. After exchanging a few intense glances with her, Madi revealed "It was me"

"I know Madi..." Clarke said, "It's just... sometimes I don't know when you're talking or she's... I don't even know if... Is she right now...?"

"Listening?" Madi finished her sentence, "I don't know, maybe. She's good at hiding. Probably even now. My head starts to spin and I get tired when she's around for too long..."

"You're more tired since you took the flame...I noticed that" Clarke expressed her observation. Madi nodded. "And more hungry..."

"Well... no wonder your brain activity must be skyrocketing," Clarke analyzed, suddenly infected by her mother's profession, "Madi..." Clarke put her hands on Madi's head. Her head was slightly warm. Then her hands moved to her neck.

"Clarke..." Madi yelled angrily, almost indignantly at Clarke when she realized that she was just trying to examine her like a doctor, "...I'm fine..."

"You're as bad at lying to me as I am at lying to my mother," Clarke summarized before quickly hugging Madi, "We're all bad liars..."

"Clahharke..." Madi groaned, still annoyed by Clarke's 'too much' attitude.

"Listen... I don't want to keep the flame if you don't want it," Madi said to Clarke, "I'm serious. But please trust me. At least give me time to prove you wrong about the flame. For the moment Lexa is very helpful. We had our differences at first, but she's the only commander who talks to me... I was probably too rude to the others... But they always spoke when I started to think... And it started to annoy me. I think I may have deactivated them".

Clarke listened carefully to her words as she began to think. For the first time, Madi told her what it was like to have the flame for more than a brief moment. Her impressions. And a lot at once. Clarke remembered the short time when she had taken the flame to stop A.L.I.E. The last time she had seen Lexa. Back then, she was also the only one who had appeared in the City of Light, defended her and actually saved her. A fact that Clarke never really questioned. Why was it only Lexa, when there were many more commanders?

She saw Madi take a piece of paper and start scribbling something. "Here. This is the new codeword..." She said when she was done, handing Clarke the carefully folded paper, "To disable the flame."

Her heart was pounding and she could hardly believe that this was actually happening. "I'm serious, Clarke. I should have listened to you. I know you want to protect me. Just like I want to protect you. And this might be the chance I was waiting for," Madi said, "I know you are against the Flame, and believe me, I can understand you. More than you think. You can stop me if you think I'm going too far or if I'm in danger because of the Flame. But please give me a chance. At least for a few days," she repeated her plea to keep the Flame. And it seemed to work

Stunned and speechless, Clarke did the only thing her dazed mind told her to do. She pulled Madi to her and hugged her tightly, "Oh Madi..."

"Do you think things are going well in the bunker right now?" Clarke asked Madi after they had been silent for a few moments, enjoying this moment.

"Of course, you don't?" Madi asked her back.

"I don't know, it's just... It's probably part of my nature to worry all the time," Clarke explained, not without a certain amount of frustration in her voice.

"No, Clarke. It's because you care. More than any other person I know... including..." Madi said, but stopped before revealing that it was her mother. She tried to be as supportive as she could, though she was still struggling to accept this serious and sad version, or rather 'part' of Clarke. So it wasn't the right time to tell Clarke the story, to make her feel sorry for her and possibly even more depressed. Madi put her head on Clarke's chest, close to her heart, so she could feel it beating. She looked up and saw Clarke smiling at her as she began to stroke her hair. She didn't want to sleep again, but to enjoy this new peacefulness. And even Lexa seemed to have decided to leave her alone. To leave this moment to them. At least she couldn't feel her presence at all.

And Clarke enjoyed this special moment as well. Although she was still a little nervous about Bellamy and Echo's trip, she knew that this fear was natural and nothing bad. Stroking Madi made her feel better. It helped her to forget all the bad things that occupied her heart and mind.

"Do you want to hear a story?" Clarke asked her, almost whispering so as not to break the silence. Madi showed no reaction at first. Although her eyes were open, she didn't respond to her call, as if she was in some kind of trance or talking to her mind...

Unbeknownst to Clarke, it was neither, because Madi had more on her mind, "Let's draw while I tell you a story" she suggested, reaching for their sketchbooks. "Yeah, sure..." Clarke replied surprised and took the sketchbook Madi handed her. As if Madi had read her mind again, this was exactly one of the other things she wanted to do so badly. "Is there anything in particular you want to draw?" Clarke asked her, this time with a big smile on her face.