Chapter ~ 003

~ The tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace~

Sometimes we fall into a void of emptiness .We find ourselves so caught up in grief and and sadness that we forget to be grateful for the presence of people in our lives. We forget to be grateful for the feeling of safety ,the feeling of warmth and comfort .The blanket of security that holds our very being in the darkest of nights.

I have never feared the dark nor have I feared the monsters lurking in it. I was alone for so long even when my mother was alive that the dark became a sanctuary, a place where I could embrace the silence where I could become one with it that I eventually became content with death,not suicidal, just began to not fear the thought of death.

I think I was brought up with the idea that death was the door to peace , at first I believed it for the sake of my sanity, but I eventually found truth in the idea.

I remember how much more content my mother was on her last days it was almost as if she had gotten a peak of death that she had experienced it the same way a child indulges in dreams and friendship that she could bare to live outside of it. I had felt selfish because I wanted to stay and feel happy with the thought that she had me. Although it had hurt I realised that I could not be her salvation that I could not be the reason she held on to life.

The funeral service had been small with only around thirty people in attendance. He was buried next to his wife as per his request. Although Tris's mom and dad had considered me family I found myself uncomfortable, surrounded by people of a different race and being the only dark skinned person in the room. I could feel my skin crawl and goosebumps form with every stare that was sent my way. Some of the family members were even brave enough to approach me to ask about my relations to Tris's father. I found myself silent to most of the questions unless Tris was around who would not hesitate to make them aware that in her father's eyes I was his daughter.

I made sure to let Tris know that it is not her fault and that she should not feel obligated to correct ignorant people because people of that caliber would never be able to seen a person beyond theirs race, gender and even their sexual orientation. I found myself not offend but rather perplexed by the idea of people that unaware of the changes socially around the world.

We now lived in a society where even when someone does not agree with traits or actions regarding your race, sexuality or even gender that they are still respectful or simply quite about. I have respect for people who accept that their opinion should be forced onto others and that others should not be oppressed or discriminated by opinion.

The memories I had of my father were far and in between. Due to his job demands and the insistent civil wars in the country he was never around and when he was it for a few and then he was gone.

My father had been an extremely opinionated person. He was quite but he always had a point to make within every conversation and I remember how much it used to get on my mother's nerves.

He always had the same response whenever she was annoyed with him. Every time without fail he would remind my mother that everything he said was simply an opinion one she could disagree without trying to make him change it or forcing hers on him.

***

The funeral service had been quite quick and after an hour everyone began to go their separate ways after stopping by Tris to pay their respects and offer their condolences. Tris and I were called to the lawyers office for the discussion of the will. Although I was confused about why I was required to be present but I went along to support Tris. I was thankful that the family lawyer decided to not drag the process out. The will had simply stated that he had left all his assets to his two daughter. It further went to state that he had left all his physical assets to Tris an had left a fund separately for my school fees.

The outcome of the will had been unexpected for me, Tris had been aware of the will for quite some time therefore she did not react. Tris and her father had always knew about my dreams to go into psychology. After watching my mother suffer alone I began wanting to ensure that no other person would have to face the emotional trauma that my mother had experienced. Although my father had been in quite a high rank in the army he still did not earn enough to save money for me to fully attend university.

My parents had left me enough money to finish my first year. I was unable to get funding due to my academics which had suffered severely after the passing of both my parent when I was in 12th grade. I could not afford to rewrite my finals and after managing to successfully get into a reputable university I completed my first year and even the my academics still did not allow me to acquire any funding and I was forced to drop out for my second year after the first semester when I ran out of funds. That was when I had met Tris who took me in and helped me on my feet and although I coul not return to school I had a home and a job and some time that was enough. I cried because I never thought I would be able to return to school and the opportunity left behind by Tris's father felt almost surreal.

Tris and I held on to each the entire time and when the lawyer had presented the will and made us sign documents acknowledging the contents of the testament we made a trip to a local restaurant which Tris's dad used to take us on Fridays before his condition worsened.

In that moment with the two of us sitting in a booth close to a tall window ,we watched as the world continued to move despite the breaks in our hearts.

Amberia