Chapter 34

"Dean."

Dean glances behind himself as he grabs a pie from the kitchen. He had the angels make him a supply earlier, so he wouldn't have to bug them every time the craving for it arose.

"Hey, Sammy," Dean replies with a grin, turning around to face his brother.

Sam is less enthusiastic. "Does it seem like there something... off about everyone lately?" he asks hesitantly.

Dean thinks about this for a moment. "Nah. Why?"

"Because I just watched a light saber fight in the hallway."

Had Dean had something to drink, he would have done a spit take. ""

Sam nods. "Yep."

At a loss for words, Dean doesn't speak for a moment. Finally, he guesses, "Charlie and Gabriel?"

"Yeah, how did you —?"

"Charlie's a geek and Gabriel's just stupid enough to make them light sabers," Dean interrupts with the answer.

Sam shrugs slightly, accepting the answer without question. "Whatever. But you know who else joined their light saber fight?"

"You?" Dean guesses with a teasing smirk.

"What?"

"I figure you're just as geeky as the rest of 'em," Dean replies with a shrug.

Sam bitches faces him. "No, it wasn't me. It was Lucifer."

Dean just stares uncomprehendingly for what has to be at least a minute. Finally, he repeats haltingly, "Lucifer... had a light saber fight... with Gabriel and Charlie."

Sam nods, just as disturbed by it as him. "Yeah. And he was getting really into it, too. Dude, that's not Lucifer."

"What do you mean, that's not Lucifer?" Dean asks, confused. "We know the guy. That's him."

"No, I mean... I know Lucifer. I know Lucifer. That right there... that wasn't Lucifer."

Unsure how to respond to that, he doesn't. Instead, he grabs his pie and a fork before saying, "Look at it this way. Maybe there something wrong with him. But do you really care? I mean, call me crazy, but I'd take Lucifer over the Lucifer we know any day. He may be going balls-to-the-walls crazy, but at least he ain't trying to kill anyone. I'd call that a win."

"Yeah, I guess," Sam agrees hesitantly.

"Come on, Sammy," Dean says, clapping his brother on the shoulder in a friendly way. "Lighten up. Not everything needs to be a problem. Go hang out with your girlfriend or something."

Sam chuckles to himself. "A couple weeks ago, you would've made some comment about how you want to bang her or something."

Dean shrugs nonchalantly. "Can't do that when you're in a relationship."

Sam pats his brother on the back with a teasing smile. "I'm glad you finally decided to embrace the gay, Dean."

Dean smacks his hand away with his signature bitch face. "Shut it."

"You know I'm ri-ight!" Sam sings as he walks out of the room. Dean just rolls his eyes and returns to his true love — pie.

~~

"Hey!" Jess says excitedly, jumping on Sam's back. He laughs as she hops down onto the floor. "What's up?"

"Nothing, really," Sam replies honestly. It's sort of weird, having literally nothing of importance to do.

"You disappeared on me," she adds in a jokingly accusative way.

"I, uh, I got sidetracked," Sam says. Watching a light saber fight is considered sidetracked, right?

"Well, I'm glad you found your way back," she tells him, planting a kiss on his cheek, her foot popping off the ground in a cute, cheerleader-ish way. "Is this what life's always like for you? Cuz it's really laid back. I love it."

"Not at all," he admits. "Usually, Dean and I are out more than we're here. I'm kinda into the laid back life, though." It's especially nice with Jess here by his side. It's exactly what he was going to have twelve years ago, before the fire that swallowed her up.

"And you guys were out... fighting monsters..." she recalls slowly, still attempting to process this.

Sam nods, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Right..."

"I know, it's a lot to take in," Sam adds, a sympathetic but loving expression on his face. "But right now, all you need to know is who the archangels and the demons are and to avoid them."

Jess nods slowly as she attempts to remember who's who. "That one's Crowley, and he's a demon, right?" she asks, gesturing subtly with her head to him.

"Yep. King of Hell," Sam adds.

Lucifer scoffs. "Please. We all know who the of Hell is."

Sam just rolls his eyes. "Shut up."

"Make me."

Sam ignores him, returning his gaze to Jess and waiting expectantly for her to continue.

"That's the devil?" she guesses, her voice barely a whisper to avoid drawing his attention again.

"I prefer 'Lucifer' or 'Your Majesty,' actually," he tells her, a smirk on his face. Sam just rolls his eyes at him again.

"I still can't believe you're friends with the devil," Jess adds.

"We're not friends," Sam says immediately.

"Nah, you're right," Lucifer agrees. "More like 'roommates with benefits of many, many kinds.'"

Jess looks between them quizzically, but Sam just shakes his head, silently telling her not to ask.

"Lucifer, leave them alone," Jo snaps. "It's not their fault everybody hates you."

"Aw, gee, thanks for noticing all my hard work!" Lucifer replies so politely, it's almost hostile, if that makes any sense.

"Stop fighting!" Ellen interrupts.

"Yeah," Jo says with a teasing smile.

"Both of you."

Jo gapes at her. "Mom!"

"Ha ha," Lucifer says, a satisfied smirk on his face.

"She was talking to you, too."

"Hello, devil?" Lucifer reminds her, circling his face with his finger. "Why would I care?"

"I gotta side with, uh, what's-her-face over there," Gabriel announces with a glance at Ellen, who crosses her arms in minor annoyance at that. "Luce, you're coming with me."

"Make me."

Jo rolls her eyes. "What are you, two?"

"Right, cuz you're ," he says sarcastically.

"At least I'm not —"

"Would you two just kiss already?" Balthazar interrupts.

The two stare at him incredulously.

"Oh, look, a distraction!" Gabriel exclaims, running over to Lucifer and teleporting them both away.

There's silence for a few seconds after he leaves before every returns to their conversations.

"I didn't mean to start something," Jess tells her boyfriend apologetically.

"I know," he assures her. "It's not your fault. Anything can set Lucifer off, and not much can reel him in."

"Where'd he go, anyway?"

Sam shrugs. "I don't know. Gabe probably just brought him somewhere far away so he couldn't bug us."

"Oh," is all she can think to say to that.

Meanwhile, Jo is hanging with Michael, both relieved that the next oldest archangel is gone.

"That guy just pisses me off," she mutters.

"I noticed," Michael replies. "But maybe you could stop fighting with him?"

"Why would I do that?" Jo asks as if it's the most ridiculous suggestion she's ever heard.

"Because... Well, Lucifer's not in a good place right now."

"Yeah, join the club," she replies unsympathetically.

"But you have your mom and the Winchesters," Michael reminds her. "And Bobby and Castiel as well, I believe. The only 'friend' Lucifer has here is Gabriel, and last time they saw each other, Lucifer killed him. But him and Crowley are rivals for the throne, him and the Winchesters and the rest of their hunter friends are bitter enemies by nature, and the angels were trained to despise him. And, of course, there's Kevin Tran, Jessica, and... the redhead... who were raised in a society where he is considered the embodiment of evil, as was the vampire. Friends are hard to come by for him."

Jo scoffs at that last part. "You want me to be with him?"

"No," Michael protests quickly. "No, not friends. Just stop picking fights with him."

"But it's my only source of entertainment!" Jo whines.

"I highly doubt Lucifer sees it that way. Just please leave him alone, for all our sakes. And, if it helps, I could attempt to be your new... 'source of entertainment.'"

Jo attempts to hide her amusement at his uncertainty. "I guess it's settled, then. I'll leave your asshole of a brother alone if you don't ditch me." And, surprisingly, she thinks this is a pretty good deal.

~~

"What was that for?" Lucifer whines, plopping down on the bed of the room Gabriel teleported them to.

"Can you quit bugging Jo?" Gabriel asks as an answer.

"Nope."

"Please?" Gabriel tries again, as if Lucifer ever cared about manners.

"But it's my only source of entertainment!" Lucifer whines.

"I highly doubt Jo sees it that way," Gabriel replies.

"My heart is breaking," Lucifer says sarcastically. "I don't care what she wants. I'm bored. She's here. It's like God wanted me to."

"God literally told you otherwise," Gabriel reminds him.

"Details," Lucifer replies dismissively. "I just wanna have some fun! And if I get to annoy that whore of a hunter, it just makes it even better."

"Okay, now I'm confused," Gabriel announces. "Do you hate Jo or hate boredom?"

"Both," Lucifer replies simply. "And you do realize there's nothing you can say to get me to stop fighting with Jo, right?"

Gabriel sighs. "Yeah, I kinda figured. But hey, can't blame me for trying. Wanna lollipop?"

Lucifer raises an eyebrow at his random subject change before slowly taking one from Gabriel's hand. Gabriel waits patiently for him to take it, then eats the other one. Lucifer shrugs and eats his own, instantly glad Gabriel pulled him away.

"These are awesome," he tells his little brother.

Gabriel grins. "Just like me!"