Chapter 26, in which I ask for an ordinary kiss

「さて,(F/N)の試験はどう?」 "Soo, how are your exams?"

My brows instantly fly towards each other:

「ー回の試験で80点未満だった...」 "I got one below 80..."

I just can't make peace with it! I should've paid more attention when rechecking my answers, ugh.

「なーんだ,それで怒ってる?でも,すごいね!頭いいんだもん!」 "Whaaaa- And you're upset? But that's awesome! You're so smart!"

I'm thankful for the compliment, but deep down I'm still unsatisfied with the result and I turn the tables:

「翔陽は,どう?」 "What about you, Shoyo?"

I can see his content smile as he leans back comfortably:

「合格したよ.」 "I passed."

I scoff and he talks back quietly 「何～?」 "Whaat?", but I decide to keep it to myself.

「(F/N)のおかげで2つ合格したね～!」 "And I passed two of them thanks to youuu!"

He cuddles me, wrapping his hands around me and I can't help but smile. We lay in silence for a peaceful minute, while I rest my head on his collarbone.

「いずれ話さなければならないことがあるんだよ.」 "You know, there's something we'll have to talk about eventually."

I love listening to him talking with my ear to his shoulder, but this time I freeze, hold my breath and don't respond. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. He sighs and lets it out:

「ほぼ2ヶ月間,留守にしなければなきゃよ.」 "I'll have to go away for almost two months."

Oh no... No-no-no-no-no. I hug him tighter, bury my face deep into his chest and make myself aware of the warm T-shirt, his breath movement, the smell of the guy I love, his strong hands around my back comforting me. I can barely survive a week without him, and eight of those?! I'm terrified.

「ダメだ!」 "No way!"

「僕も嬉しくないよ.」 "I'm not happy either."

「翔陽は私を忘れる...」 "You will forget me..."

He chuckles:

「無理だよ.」 "Impossible."

I close my eyes and inhale him deeply. Turns out I can't hold a mature conversation about it.

「よく話すことを約束する.直接会うよりもっと頻繁にね?」 "I promise we will speak often. More often than we meet in person now, deal?"

I have been in denial that our summer break is approaching and I'll have to let go of Hinata inevitably. I even bought my tickets back home already, but I've been successfully blocking out all those preparations up until now. And now the suppressed emotions came out with full force. I can't even think of this. If I let go, will I be able to keep my balance?

***

We're lying on my bed and it's just a couple of hours before I have to leave. I'm leaving first. On one hand, I'm so happy he can be with me now, he doesn't have his practice or whatever the million things he's busy with. On the other hand, I'm too sad, long parting is painful. The anticipation of that is not any less painful either.

We've been hugging, but I'm not in the mood for anything more. Even though Hinata tried kissing my neck a couple of times, I stopped him. The kisses didn't seem passionate either, very sweet and tender, the kind that have a special place in my heart. For some reason I can't handle even that.

「良いことを考えよう! 家族に会える.旧友に再会できる.読みたい本を読んだり,見たかったドラマを見たりする時間もある.そして,再会したときにどれだけ幸せになれるか.すごいことだと思わない?」 "Think about the good things! You'll see your family. You'll catch up with your old friends. You'll have time to read all the books and watch all series you wanted. And think how happy we will be when we meet again. Isn't that great?"

「別れするのがとても悲しいよ.今,どんな風に幸せか??」 "I feel so sad to have to say goodbye to you! How are you happy right now??"

I'm a bit irritated, this talk he's forcing is really against my mood, how can he not understand? Does he really not feel anyhow similar? I frown.

「でも,(F/N),二人とも悲しんでたら,それはそれで悲惨なことになりそう...」 "But (F/N), if we're both sad, that's going to be miserable..."

He strokes my head. I carefully but firmly push my fist against his chest.

「今,翔陽は嬉しくになってほしいとは思わないけど...」 "I don't want you to be happy now..."

Just stop it.

「...」

「私のために強くならなくていいんだよ.」 "You don't have to be strong for me."

I feel him hold his breath and I look up. He's clenching his jaw, bones protruding, and those eyes echo mine with sadness.

「もちろん,(F/N)は帰ってほしくないよ!もちろん,悲しいよ!」 "Of course I don't want you to leave, (F/N)! Of course I'm sad!"

His lips twitch and tears come out of his eyes. A sharp pain shoots through my chest. Oh no, I take it all back! Please don't be so upset!

Now it's me who's trying to smile through the heartache to cheer him up. I wipe and kiss away his tears using both hands to make it faster, this sight is too much.

「翔陽,大丈夫...」 "Shoyo, it's okay..."

I keep stroking his head, the thick silky locks get caught up in my fingers. His quiet sob tears my soul apart. I get it now. How can I watch him like this and not try to force myself to appear lively for his sake? But I'm not that strong and seeing him cry terrifies me and I can't help but cry more with him.

「あ,私を愛しているのか...」"Ah, you love me..."

「もう,信じられないなんて言わないでくださいよ!」 "Please don't say you don't believe it again!"

His voice raises and cracks at the last word. He sniffles.

「いやいや.世界で一番好きな人が,私を愛し返してくれるなんて,まだ信じられないと言いたかったんだ.どんな確率なんだろう?奇跡じゃないのか?」 "No-no. I wanted to say that I still can't believe the person that I love most in the world loves me back. What are the odds? Isn't that a miracle?"

「こうは思わない.これ以外ありえないというくらい,しっくりきてる.(F/N)の言葉を借りれば,確率は非常に高かったということだね.」 "I don't think this way. It feels so right, it couldn't have been any other way. In your words, the odds were very high."

In the end it takes a while, but we both calm each other down. I'm glad to find out that crying helped, I feel part of the tension gone. Hinata's warm embrace and his now smooth breath lulled me to doze off. Instead of spending the last precious minutes with him conscious, I drifted away!

When I open my eyes again, I find Hinata still hugging me, looking past my shoulder at his phone, scrolling. As soon as I raise my eyes up at him, his attention is all mine again. He pecks me on the cheek and says:

「こんにちは,(F/N).まだ1時間ある,出かけよう,どうする?」 "Hi, (F/N). We still have another hour, let's go out, what do you say?"

「あの...」 "Mmm..."

「アイスを買ってあげよう.」 "Let's buy you an ice cream. "

Not a bad idea. I look through the window: the weather's perfect.

「ハッ!もちろん,食べ物のことを考えたら笑顔だよね!え,なんでもっと早く思いつかなかったんだろう.」 "Ha! Of course you're smiling at the thought of food! How did I not think about this earlier?"

He springs with energy and pulls me up too.

「さあ,急いで支度をしてください.荷物は僕が預かるから,心配しないでね.」 "Now hurry and get ready. I'll take care of your bags, don't worry."

***

And now, 15 minutes later, we're sitting side by side on a bench outside of a café, a big ice cream in my hand. My other hand has been holding Hinata's and not letting go no matter what. However, now I need both to reorganise the napkin and the cone and I'm in a pickle. Hinata notices my confusion and puts his hand on my naked knee, squeezing it. That's even better. Please hold on to me.

The ice cream passes my high quality bar and I'm ready to share it with Hinata.

「どうぞ!」 "Here you go!"

「どうも!」 "Thanks!"

I reach my hand out and let him have a bite, then he leans back in his seat. He's squinting in the sun looking relaxed and content. The weak breeze plays with a few strands of his hair. Ah, the handsome boyfriend, that simple white T-shirt somehow makes him especially hot. Hinata licks the rest of the ice cream from his lips, looks at me and smiles.

「なんだか嬉しそうね,(F/N).」 "You look rather happy, (F/N)."

I scooch closer to him and murmur:

「もう一口食べる?」 "Do you want another bite?"

「もちろん」 "Sure"

But when he leans closer, I trick him by shifting the ice cream aside and kissing him on the lips instead. I can tell he's surprised by the short delay before he started kissing me back. His lips are sweet, but I'm hungry for more and I open my mouth wider, advancing further over him. He puts his hand around my waist and once he pulls me closer, I sneak onto his lap. I know, it's a bit too much to do in public, but can I relax today a little... For a while I forget I will have to say goodbye, it feels like a normal date and a carefree kiss. I even happen to think that now, I want him. I try to push away the realisation that it will not be possible for an eternity.

I break the kiss to lick the dangerously melted parts of my ice cream. I hear a weak request:

「まあ,約束の一口は当然だろう?」 "Well, I kind of deserve my promised bite, don't I?"

Apparently I hesitated too obviously and he laughs:

「冗談だよ!僕は(F/N)を主張しているだけだ.」 "I'm kidding! I'm only claiming you."

And kisses me. His hot tongue sweeps around my lips stopping my breath. You're making me want way more than I can have.

We continue kissing on this bench, having lost track of time, enjoying each other, this is what dates are made for. But when I finally regain myself, it's time to go.

***

Standing on the edge of the platform I have to admit that the time for our last goodbye has come. Our last kiss. We've been hugging each other for at least five minutes now, my hands are glued around his lower back.

「今夜,練習が終わったら電話する.」 "I will call you tonight after my practice."

「うんうん.」 "Uh-huh."

Hinata raises his head from my shoulder and slowly brings his face closer. I ask:

「特別なものにしないでください.」 "Don't make it special."

His eyebrows raise:

「しないで?」 "Don't?"

「うん.悲しいキスにしたくない.いつもと変わらないキスをしてほしいよ.」 "Mm. I don't want this to be a sad kiss. I want it to be our ordinary kiss, same as always."

I see his head tilt through my eyes closing.

A string of short plain kisses on the lips warms them up, a little bit of attention for every spot, and I find my mouth ajar first, inviting him. Hinata nibbles on my lower lip, carefully and without biting, just for me to part my lips wider so his tongue can slip in. We hug each other tighter instinctively as the kiss gets hotter and the distance between us is none, for the last time in a long while. I love how he plays with my tongue, but no moaning is allowed and I just breathe heavily. I kiss him back unreservedly. Hinata tilts his head the other way for a new angle... The kiss goes to my head to make it sparkly, fuzzy, dreamy.

To be fair, the kiss was the regular amount of swoonworthy, but in the end, after leaving my lips and pressing back into them again for one last time, Hinata failed and let me feel he's sad. His lips on mine were a bit too desperate, catching mine a bit too persistently, and this time I was the one to open my eyes first and noticed a sad frown on his face.

My eyes are wide with fear as I say my 「さようなら.」 "Goodbye." and turn around without looking back. It would kill me if I did. I'm not much better anyway, I can't breathe with a lump in my throat, the numbness spreads through my body, I can't hear or see or feel a thing. They say, when parting, the one leaving takes a quarter of the grief with them and the one staying is left with the other three quarters. I'm sorry, Hinata, I'm barely handling my portion and I'm selfishly glad I get to go first.

I come back to — some of — my senses an hour later on the train. A message is waiting for me:

「ご安全に,(F/N)!

もう寂しいよ.

( ˘ ³˘)♥」

"Have a safe trip, (F/N)!

I miss you already.

( ˘ ³˘)♥"

I didn't think it would, but it helps and warms me up a little. I make an effort to find something positive, something I can say to him without bringing more pain, and to my own surprise I manage to:

「ありがとうね,翔陽　(/ω＼)

これから離れて過ごす時間が刻一刻と減っていく!あと59日だけだね.

ε-('・｀) ﾌ」

"Thank you, Shoyo (/ω＼)

The time we have to spend apart is decreasing every minute from now on! Just 59 days to go.

ε-('・｀) ﾌ"