FEEL NOTHING

"Wake up. Get dressed. Brush teeth. Skip breakfast. Drive to train station. Get on train. Watch TikTok for an hour to not make eye contact with anyone. Walk around the city.

Enter office building. Continue yesterday's work for an entire 8 hours without break. If you're lucky, leave without overtime. Walk back to train station. TikTok for an hour on train. Drive. Get home. By that time, it's 8PM, so it's a quick dinner. Then, go to sleep either immediately without any break, or stay up and suffer the morning after.

THIS isn't living… but that's 'life'."

"Dude, ahaha, all I asked you was how's life, not a freaking essay!"

"…"

He won't understand the significance of what I'm trying to be open about. Everyone I speak to honestly these days seems to be distracted by their own thoughts or feelings, rather than actually hearing me out as an actual person… I guess I have no genuine friends.

Well, ahaha, it's laughable to even be asking that now. I never felt that way about anyone myself to begin with.

Hmmm… I don't think I've ever had a true friend before? There used to be a time I fell in love, and that time was actually REAL, but for some reason now, I can't seem to have any relationship with anyone, not even my once 'heroes'…

Anyways, what am I looking for? Being honest these days has to be for a reason, but I don't even know why I'm trying.

Maybe by telling people the truth, I hope to find someone who is also an honest man, though, I'd personally wish to meet someone who has already got their act together, who's child-like, because maybe that way I'd be able to leave this exhaustingly long phase behind me and 'live life' once again.

"Hey, Kain, have you seen that isekai anime yet? IT'S SO FLIPPING GENIUS!!"

"I told you man, I don't want to watch anime anymore.", I say.

"Tsk. You know, that actually pisses me off. Anime is the greatest thing in life, and yet your philosophy that your life would be somehow 'better' without it is just wasting precious memories you could be making."

"First of all, I want to be capable of making memories in real life. Second of all, I told you that I find philosophy stupid now, there's no reason for me to be holding onto any kind of belief system now since they're just building my ego."

"Will you stop it with the waffling? Just speak normal English so I can understand you."

…This idiot.

"…I just don't enjoy anime anymore. There's no logical reason behind why I don't like it anymore."

"That's one word too many."

"Really? Even 'logical' is too much for you to handle… *sigh* Whatever, just stick to the point, will you?"

"Anyways, just watch the darn anime. I don't care how you feel."

"…"

I hate obligations, but I did promise him I would check it out. I just want to keep my backlist of promises to a minimum as I continue to figure out what I want to do in life.

It's just that… I feel like I barely have the time to actually sit and think about the things that really matter. I know I could be more efficient in my seeking journey if I had the free time, but I need to dedicate most of my time to having the money that helps me SURVIVE, and then the rest, if any, is supposed to be the 'free' time…

This is like Groundhog Day.

I didn't watch the movie, but everyone talks about it enough for me to understand some overlap between it an my own life,

Anyways, only 3 more hours left until my shift for the day is over, and then tomorrow will be the weekend.

Maybe within the two days I have, I'll be able to make a breakthrough this time on my current dilemma, and hopefully that one will be the last.

[3 hours later]