Terrified

"You'd never know who holds you in their hearts Kang Seo," Seol couldn't help the words as they spilled from her lips. She drops her gaze, daunted by the look in those silver eyes.

"Sometimes, it's easier not to know - mama."

Finishing, he stands up.

"Mid council is miffed with me because I have suggested a certain tax reform on grain collections," he says without preamble. "The collections of which would go to fund the mercy houses. They are under the impression that I am trying to steal their hard earned harvest. That debacle involving our names was a result of that particular argument. They want me removed from the mid council and couldn't think of a better way than to use your highness."

Seol doesn't say anything immediately. He watches as she takes in the scene.

"These were my men. Men who fought for me. Men who gave up better lives because I commanded them forward. I cannot sit back, sheltered by their sacrifice and let their families suffer in the aftermath."

"You wouldn't be you if you do." Seol agrees. "Forgive me - if I had been more careful -"

"Mama," he cuts her off. "Please, do not blame yourself. My intention in bringing you here was not that. You were always brought up detached from politics and the games of court. But times of such blissful ignorance are at their end. As long as you shall live you will be the first princess - and nobody around you will let you forget that.

"These people gave up their lives for that. Protect the reign of his majesty, protect the esteem of your house. You give them back by rising up to the duties of your position, by being a princess who works for the betterment of people they leave behind and anything that keeps you from committing to that duty has to be removed.

"The next time you are torn between mercy and punishment - think of these people. That lady in waiting for yours by allowing herself to be embroiled into a conspiracy did not betray you - she betrayed these people, she demerited their sacrifice. Each time the choice is between your position and something else - think of the people you would let down if you were to step down."

Seol allows the words to settle upon her, their weight a weight on her conscience. To be the princess was to stop being her - and Seo had just made it a choice between herself and the nation.

"But I -" her voice shudders and dies. I'd like to live. She keeps from being uttered. Don't mistake his duty as his affection - Lady Noh's words return to haunt her.

"I should go," she says instead. "I need to finish packing."

Seol wishes she could speak of her doubts. She wishes if he would clear them for her, if he would say whether his continuous rejections stemmed from duty or lack of affection. If she was to leave just like this and never return - if she stopped being a complication in Seo's promising career as Yong had aptly put it, would he sense her absence - or would he be grateful for it.

In her heart, Seol is reminded of a prayer from the mountains - one that her mother used to sing often as a lullaby.

Come astride a silver cloud to the mountains that await,

Or ask the winds to stop singing ballads of your return

Grant me what I so desire

Or teach me to live without

Bring back those who wander

Bring the birds home

It is exactly what she wishes for, either his love or a way to live without it. Let me know lord, she prays to her mother's mountain gods, if he loves me the way I do - or teach us both to move on.

*

All it takes is a puddle in the middle of the road, a wild rat that runs across it and a very fidgety horse. The coach topples before her guard had thought it through. Its door flings open and Min Ha is thrown out - screaming. Seol is thrust against the carved wooden shutters of the opposite end and tossed against the seats. Her shoulder jabs itself on the hard wood with an aching crack. Stars dance across her vision.

Outside, she could hear painful neighs of her horses and raised voices of her groomsmen. It is dark inside the blocked carriage and her eyes begin to prick with tears of pain. A moment passes in chaos and a hand lifts up the craved wooden shutter, taking it completely off its frame.

Seo peers in, his face rather white.

"Mama?"

Seol clutches a hand to her throat, trying to steady her breathing. He sounds agitated.

"Mama!"

"I'm here," she coughs. "My foot is stuck." She doesn't elaborate on her twisted ankle as Seo leans in from the opening he had created. Fumbling along the wood to free her foot from its bindings.

"Ride with me." He says, face set in a hard line - angry not at her but himself.

She had made a mistake in accepting his extended hand, allowing him to lift her atop his mount. Damn the upturned carriage, the bruised elbow and all other petty matters she shouldn't have placed her hand in his rough palm, allowing those battle hardened fingers to close around hers.

His arm wrapped securely around her, his breath whispering against the column of her neck, Wang Seol has never been more aware of a man. He is all sharp lines and hard muscles, Kang Seo, bronze and terribly agile. Pressed against him in all but a partial embrace dawns the realization upon her of how petite and delicate her own frame is - how soft and easily broken. Seol gulps.

"Does it hurt?" A bronze hand brushes against her elbow, leaving its trail of tingling heat across her arm. "Were you very afraid?" He misreads her expression.

Carriage, she has to remind herself. He is talking about the upturned carriage and her bruised arm. Seol closes her eyes and inhales through her clenched teeth, willing her heart to quieten so that she could clear her mind. She is very afraid indeed but for an entirely different reason.

"Nuh - no," uh, very convincing. Kang Seo clicks his tongue, and Bi stirs into a steady gallop. He chooses not to comment upon her unconvincing denial and instead allows the bast to quicken its pace, following Yul and others who had vanished down the path.

Her trembling fingers reach and close around his wrist and he dips his head to press his forehead against her temple. His breath stirs the curls by her ear.

"I was terrified," he admits quietly. His arm tightens around her. Had she turned and buried her head against him she would have heard the thunder of his heartbeat, drowning any rational thought but those of her.

For that one evening as the sun dipped down Kang Seo allows his heart to beat all it wants; for this world of in between would come to its end soon enough. And his heartbeat would no longer have the same meaning without hers beating by his side.

At the same time, still recovering from the adrenaline rush of her accident and clasped securely in his arms, Seol finds the answer to her prayers. He was not terrified of failing in his duty, Seol knows Seo enough to gauge that. He was afraid of losing her - of seeing her hurt. And the knowledge she holds warm against her heart.

She wasn't a duty he was compelled to carry out. For now, as the winter loomed over them, that was enough for her.