Backwards (2)

(Ophelia)

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[A/N: Last day of the homophobia themes. Skip to the the ending notes for a short summary. There's nothing else this heavy in the story, so don't worry. There's perhaps only one more homophobia warning in a later chapter, but it's for one isolated comment.]

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Koharu tilted her head up to my ear. "Please, you don't have to continue if you don't want to."

I shook my head, bumping into her nose. "It's fine. I think you deserve to know why I push you away so much in areas like this."

She whined again, "Seriously. You don't have to tell me now. You're not in great shape still."

"But I'm going to do it, anyway," I replied—snarkier than I wished. "I'll use up more energy arguing."

With a huff, she finally nodded in understanding. "Then, I'll be here to comfort you. You had better not push yourself, Lia."

She pinched my shoulder harshly.

"I won't." I chuckled.

*I know my limits. I promise. I'll stop when it hurts.*

"So I was dating this girl, and sometimes we'd hide in the nooks and crannies of the school to exchange kisses and sweet remarks. We didn't have any better place to do so."

Koharu's face looked a little bitter. I laughed more, trying not to incite the searing pain across my stomach.

"Sorry. Forgot you might get jealous."

"You're damn right." She pretended to be fussy. "But don't mind me. I'll sulk off to the side."

In fact, she didn't even budge.

Grinning, I cockily said, "At least I didn't tell you about the first time someone gave me—"

"Shut up!" she commanded with her hands over her ears. "I didn't sign up to hear this today."

Her face visibly contorted into a cringing expression until her thoughts completely reversed to something that manifested in an arrogant smirk.

"Anyway, I'm more of a hands-on learner, and you've already taught me lots."

"Koharu!" It was my turn to shout.

*I'm going to need more than two hands to count all your lewd jokes!*

There was one rule that always applied: However flirtatious or shameless I seemed at a given time, Koharu *always* had a way to be even more so. That was as certain as gravity to me.

She gave me a grin as bright as the Sun Castle and caressed my face soothingly while we paused our trek forward.

"I'm glad you're smiling more now."

"So am I."

As we resumed our journey, my expression became serious again. "But what happened with that girl…"

"Mhm?"

"We got caught one day, and… and she was booted from the school after all her friends abandoned her and pretended she didn't exist."

It was hard to hold myself together, and I felt my fringes unravelling. "I was helpless to stop it since I was also placed atop the bullseye for everyone's crossfire. I slapped a few in the face, but that just made them say shit behind my back instead of confronting me. If my dad hadn't convinced—threatened—the school to keep me enrolled, I would have also gotten kicked out for 'inappropriate behavior' or some crap."

I shook my head. "I was a coward for not sticking up for her better, though, and I still regret that."

More tears formed in my eyes, so Koharu gently wiped them. The soft pad of her finger trailed along my cheek while her eyes followed the tip of the nail.

"Breathe."

*Involuntary response, my ass.*

I did as she said before talking more in a wobbly but nearly delirious voice. "It's strange, right, that my dad would support me? Most parents would have thrown their kids out—maybe even off the edge of the kingdom if they were mad enough—or tried to treat them, but he had always worked around the castle and was tolerant. Like, I hardly see a straight person in there."

Growing ever more nervous as I recalled the unpleasant memories and thoughts that plagued my psyche, I giggled before trembling.

"I don't really know what doctrine states that killing over love in any circumstance is okay, though."

A weak sniffle emerged from my nose.

"Does a husband not get condemned when he kills another man over his wife? It's a crime of passionate love, while what was done to me was a crime of passionate hate over *who* I loved."

I kicked the wimpy pink flowers beneath me. "Yet these people told us we were somehow wrong when we caused no harm. Calling us disgraces, saying we were unnatural in some way, driving some to death. I think it's more unnatural to artificially separate people, but that's what the school did. I haven't even seen that girl again after that incident."

Smiling sadly, I added, "Sometimes, I wonder if she's been doing okay. Maybe she found a better place—a better person—for herself."

Koharu frowned, becoming serious and sentimental. She scratched the back of her neck—red and slightly burned from hours of sunlight (the same as mine).

At last, she responded to my rambling, "I know somehow I should be glad since we might not be together now if it wasn't for that, but I can't fake joy. That would be extremely fucked up of me. You had to go through all that, and all I want is to see you happy and smiling."

*I'm on the verge of falling apart, and somehow you always assemble my pieces with your words.*

I gave her a grim chuckle. "Most people would want the opposite for me, I guess. Nobody ever quite left me alone."

My inconsistent breaths concerned Koharu as she glanced over with glossy eyes, but I continued ranting.

"Some who were well-meaning said I'd meet a nice boy—which wasn't out of the question, of course—but it wasn't the advice I needed. Even the other ones who didn't attack me, I could tell that—in their minds—I was some kind of atrocity. I was like some kind of… undomesticated animal that they didn't want around them for fear of their own well-being. I think an undomesticated animal would have treated me nicer than them. Those things kill indiscriminately if you mess with their food or territory. Maybe that's the right way to be."

I laughed at the end, trying to lighten up the mood.

Koharu somehow didn't giggle and embraced me tighter.

*Well, I fucked that joke up. I might as well eat my foot instead.*

"I'm sorry about all the times I teased you in public. I didn't know that this all happened…" Her tone wavered, and a diminuendo brought it to a volume near silent.

I rubbed the short hairs along her nape to comfort her, eliciting a few goosebumps under the autumn wind.

"It's no big deal. I just needed to tell you at some point. I didn't want you to accuse me of being distant or something when I want to hug you and never let go."

Ah, my cheesiness came out in another burst, but it was fitting for the situation. (Still just as embarrassing, though.)

"Then," she said, a sparkle of (scary) determination in her eye, "when we get back, don't. There's nobody who can stop us in the castle."

Meeting her gaze, I nodded, and we devolved into silent smiles and teasing stares.

*Consider your challenge accepted.*

While pursuing our path forward, the sun descended above us, encasing us in darkness while embedding our surroundings in tints of pink and orange. The rays pulsed vibrantly between the shadows of the trees and grass to give us a sense of motion—a sense of assurance that the world would keep moving forward without a need to continually recollect the past.

The cloak of the night made me braver, lulling me into a daze of recklessness.

I noticed a black space beneath the skyward structures for the roads. I restrained myself from grabbing Koharu's arm and kissing her passionately under it—both missing the feeling after being deprived for a few days and wanting to thank her for her empathy while listening to me explain my past.

Instead, the fantasy became an idea to keep me satiated—a figment of my lucid dreams to emulate the physical sensation I so selfishly wanted to claim for myself.

I brushed my arm against her, sides pressed together, and I wrapped my pinky around hers as a much less demanding but equally intimate (at least, in my mind) gesture to placate myself.

Under the fading colors and emerging white of the moon, she smiled towards me as she squeezed back, and that was one of those moments her emotions radiated into me as if by osmosis. I even caught a glimpse of something dark in her gaze—the way she averted her pupils—and I wondered if I was the reason for the underlying tension within her.

*I know you're troubled, but I don't know why you feel that way. Could you please clarify? I've opened up completely to you about my past, but sometimes, I can hardly contemplate your present.*

Stifled by her conflicting emotions, I shifted my focus to the concrete pillar we were about to pass that displayed a dark green sign reading: *FLOR, EXIT NOW.*