Chapter 3: How to bond with your family

There were a good number of reasonable reasons why breakfast had always been the favorite Uchiha's opportunity for family bonding since ancient times. For once, all participants were too busy eating to destroy the comfortable silence by doing something as silly as showing any kind of interest in other family member and ask about their day. Some would believe that such family environment would stun the development of a child's capacity to interact with other people, but those people weren't aware that the only form of socialization that a true Uchiha needed was a stern grunt and maybe a nod to acknowledge their existence if they were feeling particularly lonely.

Unfortunately, there was always black sheep even in the best families.

"Dad," Sasuke Uchiha spoke, foolishly disregarding the traditional silence and adequate amount of awkwardness that were basic manners at the table for any Uchiha. "I wanted to hang out with Kiba after the academy today, can you me give some spare change?"

The rest of his family, sans Itachi and Shisui, still had hopes that the youngest Uchiha prodigy would grow up from his loud and chaotic nature. Said hopes had started to fade as the kid had continually failed to comprehend the meanings of the different types of ¨Hn¨. His mother even shed some tears when the foolish child described the sacred language as ¨weird edgy sounds¨.

"Son, I will give some money under one condition." His father, Fugaku Uchiha, stopped reading his scroll to fully focus in his youngest child.

"Is this about what happened last week? I assure you that no Nara has caught me pouching their deer. They might suspect is going on, they lack any solid evidence." He reassured his father of his talent to avoid taking responsability over his own actions.

"Not that. This weekend, make sure to hang out with a Hyuuga and remember to have a lot of fun." Fugaku said, causing Itachi to spurt his tea.

The only thing that Sasuke could do before such odd request was to nod slowly, lacking any of his habitual confidence.

"Well, I am friends with Neji so-"

"Don't forget to also extend an invitation to their so called ¨princess¨" The Uchiha patriarch scoffed at the ridiculous tittle. "Now go, son, I believe that Shisui is waiting for you."

The kid instinctively shuddered when his father patted his shoulders affectively. He wasn't used to his parents expressing any form of love or care beyond the occasional nod and grunt of approval. There was something wrong with that. It felt like a literature college student enjoying a vegan food without acting like a pretentious bitch, or a fanfic reader who isn't horny, it made no sense.

"Do you realize what you have unleashed upon them? " Itachi raised eyebrow at his now stern looking father.

"The Hyuuga had it good for too long."

At the end of the day, it was the matriarch who said the most sensible thing. "I will start cooking a tomato pie for dinner…and buy some sake for this weekend."

This was just another normal breakfast at Sasuke's household.

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After having breakfast, the next thing any Uchiha should do to not be deemed worthless by his supposedly beloved family was taking a mission to kill a bunch people and being paid to do it (one could always do it for free, but then your peers would start to act jumpy whenever you were near). In the case an Uchiha couldn't legally kill people, they would be expected to hone their murdering skills.

In this day in particular, Sasuke Uchiha's genjutsu training would be handled by Shisui Uchiha, his favorite cousin and Itachi's best, and only, friend. The older teen spared no effort in making sure that Sasuke got the basics of this particular branch of the ninja life right. It wasnt like the young genius needed help, but this arragement was made for the sake of safety.

"I am here to make sure you don't destroy the village or part of the compound…again."

The village's safety.

"It was supposed to be a prank, but it escalated a little too fast."

"Hey, I've nothing against a good prank, but the last time we let you practice something alone, you somehow managed to set the LAKE on fire." And that was the reason why Sasuke wasn't allowed to train without the supervision of a responsible adult. "Actually, how did you do that? We have a lot of bets in ANBU about that incident."

"I believe that the answer is the one you need to win the bet, but only if I get the 35% of the winnings."

The older cousin, the famous Shisui of the Body Flicker, stared at Sasuke with the rare seriousness that the teen usually reserved for missions ordered by the Sandaime himself. The pressured exerted by his mere presence weighted on the kid, but even then he stood tall and stared back. After a few seconds, bot Uchiha extended their hands sealed their pact with a handshake and a mischievous smile.

"Ok, I might not been as good of a teacher as Itachi, but here we go. Genjutsu is the art of bullshitting your opponent to the point where he believes that you won even when you lose. For this you have to go *pow* and *shush* and make him like ¨OMS, IS THIS REALITY ¨ before finishing with a stabby stab. Any questions so far? "

Sasuke shook his head almost immediately. His older cousin did an excellent job at explaining the subtle nature of genjutsu. Any illusion, be visual or auditory, needed to conform to the target's idea of reality, anything less than that would be considered fake by their brains and the illusion would be dispelled. Genjutsu was all about subtlety changing the target's perception of reality, and then efficiently finishing them off with a kunai or whatever other means at your disposition.

"So, given that we need some living targets to practice, we should go the village and ask for volunteers."

"Since this is a training about being subtle, shouldn't we take them by surprise?" Sasuke asked with uncertainly

Shisui rubbed his chin in deep thought.

"That…is actually a good point. Follow me, we will be visiting Konoha's most popular tourist spots."

Two things happened that day, the cult of the giant flying spaghetti monster become an official religion and it was unanimously decided that Shisui doesn't count as a responsible adult anymore.

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It was a beautiful morning in Konoha. The sun was shining high in the sky, the spring had brought the sweet fragrance of flowers and shared it with everyone (specially with those with allergies) and the birds were singing over the treetops (for some reason they liked to gather in front of the Hokage's window). Yes, it was a beautiful and normal. Or at least that's what Itachi told to himself after seeing the scene in front of him.

"Kiba-san, have you seen Sasuke?"

The Inuzuka was lying comfortably on the ground picking his nose. He didn't bother to get up and just pointed at Sasuke who was concurrently inside the jaws of a six-foot-tall dog.

"I tried to stop him." The Inuzuka said with an amount of weariness that Itachi hadn't ever seen in a 7 years old. "How come you didn't see him?Sasuke told me you were a super genius ninja or something like that."

"It's not that I couldn't see it, it's that I didn't want to believe it." He muttered to himself. "SASUKE, GET OUT OF THAT DOG NOW."

There were few situations that could make Itachi Uchiha raise his voice like that and his brother was the cause of at least 95% of them. He didn't bother to ask how the kid managed to clean himself up so quickly after coming out of the canine's mouth, it must have been a fire-related jutsu.

"Can you tell what you were doing inside a dog's mouth? "

"My name is Jogo." Said the dog.

Itachi tried his best not tofacepalm in public and gave the canine a terse nod.

"My apologies." He said before returning to focus on his brother. "Can we know what you were doing inside Jogo's mouth?"

"I wanted to know how he can speak. Dogs don't have the necessary organs to replicate human's speech, so they should not be able to produce the same variety of sounds that we do."

" I'm telling you it's chakra." Kiba complained.

"And I tell you that does not make sense. The chakra cannot change the laws of physics ... unless you are the MILF goddess of the moon rabbits."

"I don't know what a MILF is, but that sounds like something an author would think of when they run out of ideas. Also, I don't see the physics when you walk on water."

"It is simply about a bit of repulsion and then redistributing my weight over the total surface of the water body."

The children kept arguing as Itachi looked at them with a mixture of weariness and pride. His little brother might be weird, but at least he was smart when he wanted to. If only his brother used his intelligence in things that are not illegal or that could cause him to be diagnosed as clinically insane, that would be great.

"Thanks for taking care of my brother and I am sorry for the inconvenience he has caused you." He gave Jogo a small bow.

From experience, he knew well that spending time with Sasuke could become exhausting and dangerous depending on how much common sense he had decided to use that day.

"Don't worry about it. The boy gave me some liver; he is a good puppy."

That was one of the best things anyone had said about Sasuke and it made Itachi smile a tiny bit. Although he did his best to forget that it was a dog who said it.

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The two Uchiha were throwing shuriken in the most bullshit way possible at one of their clan's exclusive training sites. It wasn't the most comfortable place to be, but when you were living in a village full of paranoid ninjas and you wanted some privacy, you didn't have that many fancy options. The sun had already begun to set providing the perfect occasion for an emotional conversation between two popular characters. It is obvious that this place will reappear in dozens of flashbacks, giving the trees more screen time than Ten-Ten.

"There is something I have to tell you, but I want you to remember that you will always be my foolish little brother. "

"Itachi, I think I know what you want to talk about." Sasuke nodded full of resolve, he had waited for this moment for years. This is the time when Itachi would reveal him the truth that had been eating him from inside for so long.

"Is that so? Well, you have always been very smart, if a bit crazy sometimes." He smiled awkwardly and poked his little brother's forehead. "I should stop dancing about the subject...even if this is hard for me to say."

Sasuke felt a bit of pity for his brother; this must be hard for him. That is why he decided to be brave for him and be the first to talk.

"I want you to know that I will always love you, no matter what your sexuality might be."

"Sasuke, I'm not gay. "

"..."

"..."

"Are you sure? "

And this was one of the multiple reasons why beer and sake were by far the most popular beverages at the Uchiha's compound….and at the Hyuuga's compound…and at Yamanaka's…and the Hokage's tower. Actuallly, beer and sake were by far the most popular beverages at Konoha since Sasuke learnt to walk by himself.

"You know I have a girlfriend. Izumi was the one who bought you that tomato pie for your last birthday."

"Itachi, we are the Uchiha, the most emotionally repressed clan in the world."

The older brother knew that he was going to regret this, but he still nodded and let Sasuke continue with his explanation.

"Think about this. Our home lacked the necessary amount of love and affection that you needed during the first stage of your emotional development, so you spent your entire life longing for meaningful ties that could fill the void left by our parents. Since you are a genius and the clan's heir you have always had problems at connecting with kids of your age, making it impossible for you to form a sincere form of friendship with any of them. It was not until I was born that you were able to form an affective bond that you soon classified as sibling love because we are indeed family. Then you met Shisui and you put him in the same category because you noticed that he treated you in the same way as you treat me. Finally, you bonded with Izumi, and given that it was your only meaninful bond with a female outside mom, you automatically categorized it as romantic, even though you didn't any idea of what that truly involved.

I believe that you have no idea of the difference between a romance and friendship due to your lack of experience with both and the poor development of your emotional intelligence. You probably only assumed that you were in love with Izumi because she was the only one that bonded with you and did not treat you as a brother.

In fact, I bet that due to she being female lead you to make an unconscious association between your relationship with her and our parents', whose love and affection you still yearn for.

It is true that this is not definitive proof about you being homosexual, but your favorite color is purple, a color usually associated with homosexuality, and your somewhat passive personality and delicate appearance is in line with the general stereotypes of femininity in our culture."

Itachi blinked once, and five seconds later he did it again.

"I... I'm going to have to repress this memory on a later date. I called you here to talk about something else."

An issue that preferably had nothing to do with his sexuality, about which Itachi now had a few doubts.

"The village is changing and you are smart enough to know what this means. I just want you to know that no matter what you choose to do in the future, you will always be my foolish little brother."

Smiling in a relaxed way at his younger brother, he once again playfully poked his forehead causing him to lose his balance for a few moments. In revenge, Sasuke tackle him and used his small arms to cover him in a hug so tight that threatened to leave him gasping for air.

They were no longer geniuses beyond their years. There were no longer expectations that weighed on their backs. They were not child soldiers who learned to kill before knowing how to write their own name. Right now they were just two brothers hugging each other.

"Itachi, you are my favorite person. I'm not going to say that I'm never going to be mad at you, but you're always going to be my favorite brother."

The hug become tighter.

"By the way, your sexuality is not just a matter of black and white, you may also be bisexual."

"Sasuke, don't ruin the moment."

The hug continued a while longer