7

Susan's POV

I patiently waited and listened to every word he said because he is RIGHT and I am GUILTY.

He took deep breaths and let go of me.

"So what do you want me to say?" I ask. I guess it's time to face the music.

"I need answers! I should have given up a LONG TIME AGO, but I haven't because I am still ' ME '." He says.

Inwardly I sigh because he's right about being the same.

"And I can't be COLD like you," he adds rather harshly.

I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"I can't act clueless-- I can't pretend like nothing's happened! I know a lot has changed," he pauses. "Then tell me, WHY? I will be out of your hair, I just--," he lets his hands slap gently on his sides, "I have to know." He says.

I am desperate, Conner told himself.

"Okay!" I lower my head and let out a breath.

"Okay?" He arcs a brow.

I slowly raise my head, "I will tell you whatever it is you want to know," I said resignedly.

"Why did you leave?" He asks.

"You know why-- I had to start college," I explained.

"I don't need that CRAP! I need to know the truth," he snapped.

"That is a part of the truth, isn't it?" I retort. I don't kow how to answer his his questions.

"But not the whole!" We lock eyes.

"I had to--," I stuttered, "it was time to move on from the life I had here," I explained looking at anything and everything but him.

Though I wasn't looking at him, I felt the way my words hit him due to the way he gasped.

"Huh fine!" He said nonchalantly. "Why did you leave without saying a single word about it to me?" He folds his arms.

I blinked twice as this has been the question I have been dreading for some time.

"I did– But I told you I would be applying and moving out soon," I said.

"Really? Then how come I didn't know  about the day you were leaving?" He asked staring at me with a hurtful expression. "You left without so much as a goodbye– HELL no call, not even a text. . . Nothing! And you didn't bother to get in touch at all!," He ranted.

"You were also going to move out from this town anyway, weren't you?" I asked.

"Only for a YEAR! Not for my whole frickin' life," he bellowed angrily. "And even if I would have left for college, I'd have made sure you knew about it! I DIDN'T CUT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE."

I look down not wanting to face him or his wrath. His words are cutting right through me.

"Look Conner, I just needed a fresh start I guess, that's all," I tried explaining.

"But why did you feel the need in the first place? You didn't want to leave, I remember ' vividly '," he said. As he spoke I cleaned my hands tightly,  "Everything was going fine; we were finishing off high school, although I was thinking to move out for my photography course for a year, you said, " This town is our home - it has the familiarity " so maybe I shouldn't go. Then why did you?" He tilted his head with the question as though trying to get a better perspective of me.

"Because I didnt have anything left here CONNER!," I screamed kicking the table in the process and almost shattering a glass, but he caught it and placed it aside. "Unlike me, you had your whole life planned out. You knew exactly where you would be going, what you wanted in life and who you loved. You had a passion, a direction, even a girlfriend!," I said.

"But I--"

"Girlfriend?" He asked wide-eyed cutting me off, a confused look on his face.

Great! That's he only thing he picked up.

"What does that have to do with all of this?" He questioned.

I mentally rolled my eyes and then sighed before I spoke, "For the longest time in my life, I was afraid."

He sat upright with his brows furrowed together in concentration as he listened to what I had to say.

I continued, "Afraid of almost everything! Every change, every emotion, every other new relationship, even when finishing high school. I didn't know if I had what it took to grow up." I smiled sadly before continuing, "I had no idea how to be confident and not afraid of things. I didn't know much Conner, I was very naïve."

"Huh?," He looked at me with an even confused look on his face.

I shook my head, "I wanted to stop relying on people you know. I wanted to come out of my shell. . . I wanted to challenge myself and to basically just deal with ' what growing up would be like '. If I had stayed here, I would have held myself back because of my parents. . . And YOU," I looked away saying.

"You guys always had my back," I smiled, "but it was time for me to change. Time for me to move on and face some of my fears at least!" I explained.

"You just left without a word," he repeated hurtfully.

"You were going to get busy in your life anyway, and soon you wouldn't have needed me anymore. So I made that decision for us."

"You really thought that?" He asked mortified. My life has changed a lot since you left Susan, he muttered to himself.

"I was stupid! And I just said what I thought back then," I remarked.

"So. . . 'You made the decision for us?'"  asked with bitterness in his voice.

I couldn't answer him so I said nothing.

"Was that because I got into a relationship with Victoria?" He inquired suddenly.

I looked up at him swiftly, "WHAT? NO!" I answered completely taken aback by his question.

"It's fine Susan, you can tell me," he said, his tone filled with reassurance.

"It wasn't like that!"

"Are you sure? I asked you before didn't I?" He quirks a brow.

"I told you it wasn't, and yes, you did ask," I replied.

"I came to you to ask you before we even began dating, didn't I? I asked you because you were my 'best friend', and we shared everything growing up. You said it wouldn't get weird but it got weird didn't it? That ruined everything." He said shoving his hands into his hair.

His words evoked an anger deep within me and I couldn't stop myself.

"I was the one who ruined everything Conner," I snapped, "our friendship, your relationship. Hell, I never had the right to keep you all to myself so I shouldn't have done what I did. I shut you out," I cried. "I SHUT EVERYBODY OUT, and then I left. It all happened because of me-- because I was so stupid and I couldn't—" I shake my head, "I didn't think, and when I did, it wasn't EVEN RIGHT! I don't know what went wrong exactly!" I said with a defeated tone.

"Believe me, that is exactly what I need to know too," he remarked.

"I know that we can never go back Conn and I am the reason for which I am so so sorry-- I really am! I was so wrong that I can't even put it into words. In the past few years, I would never gather the courage to call or text you. Just because of the way I left things between us— you were my best friend and I didn't bother to explain things,"

"Don't you think I know that? FIVE YEARS OF RADIO SILENCE!" He said with frustration in his voice.

A moment of silence passes and what could be heard was the sound of our breathing. "What were you feeling Susan?" He asks.

"I-- uh, I-- I don't know Conner! I was 'confused' sure but–," I stuttered.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" He asks.

"Honestly?"

He nods once. "Yes," he answered.

"I didn't want to hold you back," I announced.

With a raised brow he said, "Elaborate!" I won't let you off that easy, he said to himself.

"Ugh! Like I said, you had your own life to deal with," I retorted.

"I EXPECTED A BETTER ANSWER FROM YOU! We were best friends from as long as I could remember and that's what you are doing to say to me?" He spat angrily.

And just like that I snapped again because I couldn't hold the frustration any longer.

"BECAUSE YOU WERE IN LOVE!! YOU WERE HAPPY, YOU HAD SOMEONE TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH AND I DIDNT SEE MYSELF FITTING INTO THAT PICTURE ANYMORE!!!" I yelled throwing my hands in the air with each sentence.

"BUT I LOVED YOU MORE!! AND MY LIFE WOULD NEVER BE COMPLETE WITHOUT YOU ANYWAY!!" He confessed as he yelled back.

At this point we both were breathing hard and heavily from all the yelling. Staring into each other's eyes I could feel all the emotions threatening to consume me.

We were both silent but many thought ran through my mind.

I needed to breathe.

What did I just say?, Was what was running through Conner's mind.