Unsettling Feelings

'Okay. I'll sit here for a while. I'm hungry anyways.' My eyes dropped to the floor.

'I want to call dad. Later today.'

Since dad left, no one at home talked about him.

I thought about him a lot and how our lives would have been if he hadn't left.

'You want to call him?' She looked at me with shock written all over her face.

'Yes. I need to talk to him.' I did not know why I was telling her but I did it anyway.

'What about?' She leaned in like she could not hear me from her seat.

'I miss him.' I did not miss him. I just wanted him to help out anyway he could.

Mum was stressing herself way beyond her limit and he was probably having the time of his life where ever he was.

'You miss him? But you barely know him Kassandra.' She held my hand.

'I want to meet him. I need to see him.'

She clearly did not want me having anything to do with him.

'I don't have his contact anymore. I don't now if Alicia does but if you have to travel far to see him, I won't agree to it.' She went back to reading the mails.

I could see how uninterested she was in the topic. She could not stop me from seeing him because after all, he was my dad.

She had his contact details, it was the sort of thing she kept but she did not want to be the reason I went and met up with a runaway father.

I had not seen my dad since I was eight. He left without a word or reason.

He had put my mother through so much pain and loneliness and there was nothing my siblings and I could do about it.

Sometimes I thought she kept herself extremely busy just to keep her mind off dad.

When he left, she moved on with her life like normal. It had been something she expected but it had done a number on us, his children, since we were clueless about it.

I realized I was creating more problems for myself.

It was better to leave dad where he was but I wanted to let him understand how bad he had made our lives become.

'Goodnight mum.' I stood up and left.

I was going to see dad. Even if it was going to be for a minute. I really wanted to understand what anyone had done that was so bad that made him leave us just like that.

After seeing Hannah, I would ask Alicia to accompany me to see him.

Alicia did not like talking about him and I knew it was going to take a lot of convincing and begging to make her follow me.

I was going to try. It was the least I could do.

'You want to see dad?'

Alicia was making coffee for herself and mum when mum brought up our conversation from last night.

I wanted to tell Alicia myself. I wanted to tell her when I was sure she was going to give in to my request.

'Is that something bad?' I was standing across from her.

'It is not something good either. That man left us. You should not even be thinking about him, you barely even know him.'

She was right. He did leave us a few weeks to my ninth birthday without a word.

I could understand why mum was against it but I did not quite get why Alicia was also against it.

'I want to talk to him about everything. You should understand.'

I was eighteen but I was thinking like someone who was twenty three, like Alicia.

'You don't need to involve yourself with things like this Kassy. That man left.'

'He left you and me and Nate and mum and no reason of his is worth listening to. Just drop it.'

She sounded very concluding. I knew it was best not to push it but I wondered if she meant everything she said or if she only said them because mum was there.

'Kassandra, listen to your sister. She had it worse than you and she understands the situation of things.'

'It is bad enough that Nate is in prison, adding your dad is just not a good mix.'

Mum had set it all up. She wanted Alicia to convince me to drop it because she knew I would not listen to her.

'I'm going to see Lily. I'll be back by noon.'

That was my only escape. I just wanted to get away from everything for a while.

Lily's house was awfully quiet and it felt very empty.

I made my way to the front door and it was slightly open. Lily's mum was inside, pacing. I walked in.

'Hi.' I wanted to get her attention and go where Lily was as soon as I could.

'Hi Kassy. Lily isn't here at the moment. You can come back in the evening.'

It was very unlike her not to ask about me and Alicia. She was the nicest soul I knew and she always seized every opportunity she had to express it.

'Is everything alright Mrs. Haris?'

She looked so eager to see me leave and I knew it had something to do with Lily.

'Emily, just call me Emily. And yes, everything is fine, I just have some things to sort out. Come back in the evening, Kassy.'

That was evidence she had gotten the divorce she wanted and it was my cue to leave.

'Tell Lily I came over. Thanks.'

I left. I felt somewhat unsettled.

I remembered she sounded off when she called me but I had not placed much thought in it.

The only way to find out what was going on was by calling her.

After leaving Lily's house, I went to the park.

I did not want to have to listen to anything Alicia or mum had to say concerning dad so I decided to spend the rest of the morning alone to gather my thoughts.