Chapter 6

The next morning I woke up late. I could hear a light pacing just outside my door. Each time there was a pause the pace quickened just slightly. I slipped on a simple dress. As I opened the door, I found myself in a tight embrace. I tensed under his hold and he let go.

"Sorry," he said.

"It's okay," I said, "you just surprised me."

Trying to relieve the uneasiness he asked, "Are you hungry? Breakfast is ready."

"Okay."

I went for a walk after breakfast. The fresh air lifted my spirit and helped clear my mind. The wild flowers were pretty and brought back bittersweet memories. As I sat in the middle of the field I would laugh about the times my twin brother, Josh, and I would play in the fields and have competitions where we would see which of us could collect the greater variety of plants, and I cried because I missed him so much.

Ever since Josh died, I have felt like half of me was missing. He had been my best friend. Would I ever be able to find love like I felt then? Would I ever feel whole? The wind grew cold and the sky darkened. The wind picked up and I had barely taken two steps when the rain began to pour. I started running towards the house.

I was about halfway to the house when I heard my name. Jesse was looking for me. Where was he? My eyesight was starting to go dark again. I kept running towards the house when Jesse grabbed my hand. Every once in a while I would catch a word. If Jesse was trying to ask me questions, they were lost in the wind. When we got inside, I said, "Go get changed; we'll talk later."

I entered my room and collapsed on the floor. I felt smothered and I kept muttering, "Let go. Let go."

I became aware of my surroundings sometime later. I was lying on the bathroom floor. There was vomit in the toilet. I left the room, confused. Jesse was kneeling on the floor in my room. He looked concerned and hurt.

"Jesse, are you okay?" I asked.

"What happened?"

"I had a cleansing reaction."

"Cleansing reaction?"

"You've probably been wondering why I often wouldn't eat anything."

"Yes, but I don't understand."

"On the days I wouldn't eat, I was cleansing. Cleansing helps the body eliminate toxins that have built up in the body starting at the most recent layer of build up, then doing down to the deepest level of build up. It's kind of like Herring's Law of Cure."

"The what?"

"Herring's Law of Cure. It is a law that states that 'cleansing starts from the head down, from the inside out, and in reverse order that the symptoms appeared."

"What does that have to do with the seizure?"

"The symptoms are reversing. So as the body gets rid of toxins, old symptoms and sicknesses will reappear and then disappear, leaving the body in a cleaner and healthier state."

"If that was a reversal, when did you have your first seizure?" he asked, confused.

"The night you picked me up off the street. It was my body's last attempt to try and stay warm. It was because of that seizure that I was blind."

"So does that mean you can see completely now?

I nodded.

Then Jesse got a thoughtful look on his face. "Do you remember playing with a boy by the dam?"

"…Yes."

"I was that little boy."

My eyes watered in unbelief. He couldn't be. I had watched for him to resurface, but he never did. Jesse reached over and embraced me. His embrace was warm, but it held no comfort for me.

"Aspen?" Jesse asked, pulling away.

"Yes, Jesse."

"I'm glad I found you, and that you're okay. When I saw you earlier, I was afraid I was going to lose you."

"I'm sorry I scared you."

"Are you doing alright?"

"Just tired," I said. "Maybe I should retire early."

"Alright. Sleep well, Aspen."

"You also, Jesse."

He left my room. I wrote a note to Jesse before going to sleep. I rose early and left the house. It was time to face my past. To face and release the emotions I had been so set on avoiding and ignoring. I spent weeks in the wreckage that was my childhood home. The home I burned to the ground because the glowing coals of the fire fascinated me. The home that still held my twin brother, my mother, and my father when it collapsed.

I was able to release a lot, but felt stuck when it came to my family members. I went to the church as Iris and I had often done. To ask forgiveness. To ask for peace. I didn't feel relief as I had in times past, but it was a start. As I left the church, I saw Jesse approaching.

"Aspen!" he called, running towards me.

"Jesse," I replied with a curtsy.

He stopped. "I have been searching everywhere for you. Where have you been?"

"At home."

"Home? I thought you didn't have a home."

I turned away and beckoned him to follow. He followed. He reached for my waist as he stepped in stride beside me. But I held his arm in mine instead.

"Are you alright, Aspen?" Jesse asked.

"Better, Jesse. How is your business going?"

"It's growing. Why did you leave?"

"Because it was time for me to accept my past."

"Your past? You mean the orphanage?"

I shook my head. "I'll explain when we get there."

"Get where? Where are we going, Aspen?"

I didn't answer.

We walked in silence until we reached the remains of my childhood home. I released Jesse's arm then stepped to the place in front of the old fireplace. Tears pricked at my eyes. Tears of release. I did not fight them. I let them fall.

"I didn't always live at the orphanage," I said. "I wasn't abandoned."

"So tragedy took your family, too," Jesse said.

"Tragedy I caused."

"I don't understand."

I took a let out a deeper breath. "One night when I was five, I couldn't sleep. My twin brother, Josh, and I shared a room and Mom and Dad were in the next room. I was drawn to the fire still burning in the kitchen. The coals seemed to beckon to me to let them out. I rolled a small coal out, it burned bright for a second than died. It was so fascinating I did it again. This time the coal was larger and had lots of cracks in it. As it gave its last burst of energy the coal exploded.

"The table and curtains started on fire. I screamed and backed into the corner by the back door. My father heard me scream and ran to get me. He carried me outside then told me to stay put while he got Josh and Mom. But as he ran into the house, it collapsed. I couldn't run for help. I couldn't run in to see if they were still alive. All I could do was cry and scream until others came to help put the fire out. All three of them were dead. Their bodies taken away for burial.

"As my family was being lowered into the ground, I heard some of the villagers talking. They kept saying that whoever caused the fire should be thrown into the deepest pit in hell for murdering people while they slept. For leaving a child without mother, father, and home. They tried to comfort me. It meant nothing to me. I caused the fire. I killed Mother. I killed Father. I killed Josh."

"It was an accident, Aspen. You didn't do it on purpose."

I continued like I didn't hear him. "I was taken to the orphanage once the last of the soil had been put in place. Then for the last fifteen years, I have lived in Hell. For the few months we played at the dam… And the few months you let me live in your home, as your equal, you have shown me how wonderful heaven can be."

"What are you saying?"

"I need to move on, Jesse."

"You can. With me." He approached me and caressed my cheek. "I don't care about your social status. I care about you."

"And while I appreciate that, I do not have the same depth of feelings."

Jesse took his hand away. "So, what now?"

"I don't know yet."

"Then will you at least some back to the house to stay? Just until you know where you need to go or what you need to do."

"I won't burden you that way."

"You aren't a burden, Aspen."

"Thank you, Jesse. I must decline."

Jesse looked at me one last time then he turned and walked back to town. I knew he didn't understand. I knew the reasons I had to do this for myself would not make sense to him. Once he was out of sight, I walked down to the dam. I watched the water slowly flow down the cement embankment. He held no blame when he told me he was the friend I had lost. And I could only fault myself for not coming back. But the pain resonated as deeply as the loss of my family had. So, I had avoided this, too.

I stood there until the sun was set. Then I lie down on the grassy hill overlooking the dam and watched the stars come out. Each one shining bright, helping the others light the sky and perhaps the path that others need to follow. The peace I had been seeking, settled into my chest. Peace about my distant relationship with Jesse. Peace about my family. While I would still miss them, I no longer felt harrowed by my memories of that night. No longer harrowed by the memory of watching Jesse fall into the river and disappear.

In the morning I returned to the house to tell my family goodbye. Jesse sat beside the rubble with his head in his hands. He didn't look up until I was a few steps away. He stood and embraced me in a tight hug.

"I thought you'd left already," he said.

"Not yet."

"How can I help you, Aspen? Do you need money? Do you need supplies?"

I patted his back and he released his hold. "Find someone else to run the orphanage."

He looked confused. "It seems to be running fine. The children are…."

"Beaten within an inch of their lives or to death. Only those with apprenticeships are spared."

"No. That can't…."

I turned my back to Jesse. "Unzip the back of my dress."

He hesitated.

"Unzip it, Jesse."

He did and saw all the scars on my back. Several of them thicker where the whip had sliced the skin in the same place. "If the beds aren't made to her satisfaction, if the room has not been made spotless, she beats the children."

Jesse zipped my dress back up and I turned back to him.

"I was able to keep some friends from death, but not all. Find someone else for the orphanage."

"Why did I not know about these scars earlier?"

"I asked your staff to remain silent. This was a disclosure I needed to make, if the time was ever right."

Jesse nodded. "I have just the women."

"Thank you, Jesse."

"My pleasure, Aspen. Is there anything else you need?"

"No."

"Will I see you again?"

"If we are meant to."

"I'll miss you, Aspen."

"I will miss you, also, Jesse."

We embraced once last time before I walked away.