08

"Iñigo! Bakit hindi ka pa nagbibihis? Malapit nang magsimula ang party!"

My mom kept on nagging me. She wants to bring me to a children's party. I forgot the name of the child but I don't really wanna go. First, hindi ko kilala yung magbi'birthday. Second, what the hell would I do at a children's party? And third, inaantok pa ako kasi madaling araw na akong naka-uwi.

The party last night was so lit. I met a lot of girls and they've been bombarding my inbox since this morning. I was planning to reply to all of them pero my mom kept on disturbing me.

"Iñigo anak magbihis ka na please, anong oras na oh"

"Mommy ayoko ngang pumunta. If you want I'll drive you over but–"

"No buts Iñigo. Or else I won't let you go out with your friends for a month." I looked at her and raised my brows. "I'm not kidding Iñigo."

I sighed and nodded. Hindi ako pwedeng ma grounded kasi malapit na ang birthday ni Marcus; my friend. Ang celebration pa naman ay out of town. It would be a blast so dapat nanduon ako.

When we arrived at the venue the party was already starting. Ang daming bata, well of course Iñigo children's party to what do you expect? I stood by my mom as she greated the birthday celebrant. She's cute, I dont know maybe around 2 years old? Then a lady came towards our direction. I was so shocked because I never expected to see her here. But of course I did not let her see that I was affected at her presence.

When she looked at me, she looked shock as well pero she composed herself quickly. I smirked with that.

"Hello, excuse me." She said. "Can I borrow Kylie for a while?"

"Sure Isla. Oh by the way, this is Isla the sister of Inna. My son's wife. Isla this is Ara my best friend and her son, Iñigo"

She just smiled at us and excused herself.

Right after that hindi na siya nilubayan ng mga mata ko. And I can sense her irritation. Bakit ba eh sa gusto kong titigan siya. May problema ba siya roon? Hindi niya ba alam na matagal ko na siyang nakikita sa campus? Hindi din ba niya alam na matagal ko nang gustong maka-usap siya pero I never had the chance kasi sobrang mailap siya.

"Isla? Sigurado ka? Kilala ko yun, hindi basta basta yun." My cousin Jake said. We're here now at the cafe, tamang tambay lang since it's a Sunday.

"Paano mo nakilala?" I asked him.

"Magkaibigan sila ni Trisha. She was introduced to me once ata. Basta mabait naman pero hindi masyadong nakikipag-usap sa di niya kakilala"

"Hmm you have her number?"

He just laughed at my question. He really didn't want to give me Isla's number pero I threatened him na sasabihin ko sa girlfriend niyang si Trisha na may kabit siya. Although hindi naman totoo kasi sa aming magba'barkada si Jake ata ang pinaka loyal. And he saw how desperate I was so he had no other choice but to help me get Isla's number.

Everything went smooth after that. Ilang araw din akong walang natanggap na reply galing kay Isla pero when I asked her to help me with my dog, she willingly obliged. She has a soft spot sa dogs.

Eventually naging kami. When she said yes, I became the happiest man on earth. Akalain mo yun sinagot ako ng crush ko haha I also told her about that tinawanan lang ako. As days passed by, mas lalo kong nakilala si Isla. She's the most caring, loving, and understanding girlfriend I ever had. So I promised to never hurt her. I also told my mom everything and she knew how whipped I am to Isla.

"Tol saan ka na? Kanina pa kami dito, naghihintay si Allen sa'yo uy"

Jake said through a phone call. Nagbakasyon kasi si Allen dito sa Pilipinas a few weeks ago at bukas na siya babalik sa ibang bansa kaya naman nag organize kami ng party para sa kanya. He went abroad a couple of years ago. I can't recall the exact date pero ang alam ko kaka first anniversary lang namin ni Isla nung umalis siya sa bansa.

"Oo na papunta na ako. I'm just waiting for Isla" I hanged up after I said that.

I went back to where Isla is seating, nandito kami ngayon sa condo niya. She's reading a lot of syllabus so I'm really sure hindi siya sasama sa send-off party ni Allen.

"Hon you should go na. Kayo yung nag organize ng party tapos late ka" she said without looking at me.

I looked at the paper she's reading. I glared at it. How dare that paper consume so much time of my girlfriend? Kung pwede lang sunugin ko yan eh. Pero baka umiyak si Isla pag ginawa ko yun kaya sinunog ko nalang yung mga papel sa utak ko.

After she enrolled in dentistry naging busy na siya. But I never took that against her, ako din naman na busy sa engineering.

"You're really not going?" I asked.

She pouted and looked at me and then pointed the syllabus on her table. So cute.

"Okay, I understand. Allen would understand as well. Anyways, I'll be heading off now. Will you be okay alone here?"

She nodded and went back to reading. I chuckled, then went near her and kissed her on the forehead.

____

"Iñigo is here!" Jake shouted when I entered the house.

We're here now at Jake's house, dito ang venue ng party. Kami kami lang naman eh cause Allen never really wanted a lot of people around him. Mas gusto niya yung kaming mgakakaibigan lang.

"Ang tagal mo naman, kanina pa kami dito."

"Pinuntahan ko pa kasi si Isla eh. By the way she said Bon Voyage. She really wanted to come kaso lang mag quiz bukas eh."

"It's okay. Alam ko naman busy si doctora" Allen said.

I started drinking with them. We talked about a lot of things. Our high school life, our future plans, at kung ano ano pa. Then Allen started asking serious things.

"Kailan mo balak?" He asked.

I already knew what he meant. I just smiled at him.

"Uy ano yan! Bakit kayo kayo lang ang nagkakaintindihan" Jake said.

"Wala"

"Ano nga!" Juliet asked eagerly.

"May alam kasi ako" I glared at Allen "Yung isa diyan nakita ko nung isang araw bimibili ng sing sing–"

I throwed chips at him kaya napatigil siya sa pagsasalita. Tawa lang siya ng tawa. Gago talaga.

"Oh my God! You'll propose to Isla na?!" Juliet asked.

"Huy seryoso ba? Hindi ba parang ang bata pa natin para diyan?" Lea said.

"Bata? Kaya na ngang gumawa ng bata yan eh hahaha"

"Anong sabi ni tita? I'm sure she'll freak out" Lea said.

My forehead creases. Mommy will freak out? Eh ang saya nga niya nung sinabi ko sa kanya yung plano ko. Mom really want's Isla to be her daughter-in-law. Actually matagal nang gusto ni mommy na mag propose ako kay Isla. It's just that I wanted to do it at her graduation day. It will be a couple of months from now. Kaya ko pa namang maghintay.

"Oh" Lea gave me a cup of beer. I accepted it.

Sobrang nalasing ako na hindi ko na maalala ang mga nangyari. I woke up in an unfamiliar room, I cupped my face and pat it lightly. Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko. Ayan inom pa. I was nagging myself in my head when I heard someone talking.

"Iñigo"

I heard someone called my name. Wait sino yun? I slowly turned on my left side only to find out that Lea is lying beside me, naked.

_____

After what happened, I always zoned out. Nakakahalata na nga si Isla eh pero I kept everything a secret. Before leaving the room, me and Lea talked. I asked her to keep what happened to us a secret. I told her I was really just so drunk na hindi ko na alam ang mga ginawa ko.

Of course she got angry, she even threatened me na sasabihin niya kay Isla lahat. I got so mad that I almost slap her. Natigilan siya and just agreed on what I wanted to happen.

Akala ko okay na ang lahat. I mean, one mistake won't hurt right? At ngayon lang naman ako may hindi sinabi kay Isla, except of course the thing about the ring. And Isla! I am so afraid na baka malaman niya kaya I kept my distance sa barkada. As much as possible umiiwas ako sa kanila. I don't want Isla to sense something.

Until one day, Lea called informing me that she's pregnant. Para akong nabingi sa nalaman ko. How the hell would I explain everything to Isla. Lea also asked if we could talk. I agreed, I wanted to clear everything between us.

When I entered the cafe, Lea was already waiting there. Sitting at the farthest corner of the cafe. She looked so miserable. I stopped in front of her, sighed before sitting.

"Iñigo–"

"I wanted to make myself clear. Lea wala akong naaalala na may nangyari sa atin. Ang alam ko lang nalasing ako tapos paggising ko katabi na kita. Look–"

"So what are you saying? Na gawa gawa ko lang 'to?" She said. Unti unting tumulo ang luha niya. She whipped it away and showed me two different brand of pregnancy test. "Ayan na oh, dalawa na yan. Hindi pa ba sapat na dahilan yan?"

I stared at the pregnancy test. I don't know what to think anymore. As I looked at the two PT's all I could think was Isla. How am I supposed to tell her this? How is she going to accept this?

"Iñigo, hindi ko kayang mag-isa 'to"

I looked at her.

"Kailangan mong panindigan 'to"

I inhaled deeply and do the breathing exercise Isla taught me.

"I can't" hindi pwede. Hindi pwede kasi si Isla. "I can't."

I couldn't look at her anymore. Kaya umalis na ako. Hindi ko kayang gawin ang gusto niya. Hindi pwede. Masasaktan ko si Isla and God knows I'll do everything just so Isla won't feel pain.

After that iniwasan ko na rin si Lea. I don't reply to her texts and I don't answer her calls as well. I know that's not a good thing to do pero can you blame me? As what I've said hindi ko maalala na may nangyari sa amin. Pero kasi buntis siya. She can't be joking right? Hindi naman niya siguro gawa gawa lang yun?

Pero wala talagang sekreto ang hindi nabubunyag. Nalaman ni Isla lahat when Lea accidentally told her through the phone. I was so desperate of making her stay with me to the point na pumayag ako na wag siyang gambalin hanggang sa matapos ang exams niya. I also did what she wanted me to do.

Kina-usap ko si mommy. I was so nervous. She'll get angry for sure pero bahala na. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. All I wanted was Isla to forgive me. All I wanted was Isla to come back to me. Siya lang wala ng iba.

"How could you do that son? How could...paano mo nagawa yun? I didn't raised you like that"

Mommy was crying when I told her everything. She can't accept the fact that I got another girl pregnant, she can't accept the fact that I hurted Isla. She knows how much I love Isla kaya hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit ko nagawa yun. Ako rin naman gulong gulo na. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nagawa yun! Hindi ko alam kung paano!

"What are your plans?" Mommy asked me while whipping her tears away.

"Isla wanted me to talk to Lea's parents and–"

"I'm not asking about what Isla wants. I'm asking if what are your plans. Yung sayong plano anak"

"Mommy hindi ko alam. Hindi ko na alam."

I cried. Putangina lalaki ako pero hindi ko na mapigilan ang mga luha ko. Mommy hugged me and tapped my back to calm me down.

"Okay we'll talk to Lea's parents. Sasamahan kita"

And so we did. Galit na galit ang papa ni Lea. Hindi siya maka paniwala na ako yung nakabuntis sa anak niya. Kahit ako rin hindi maka paniwala. Lea's mom wants me to marry Lea pero agad akong tumanggi. No I can't marry her. She's not Isla. And even if she's pregnant with my child hindi ko pa rin siya papakasalan. I made that clear to her and her parents.

Wala na silang nagawa. They can't force me to marry someone I don't love. So we settled on one thing. Hindi ko papakasalan si Lea pero aakuin ko ang bata. Kahit na hindi naman ko sigurado na akin nga yun ay inako ko na. I will also provide for her and the child. That's the least that I could do because I won't agree if may iba pa silang gustong ipagawa sa akin.

When friday came, I was already expecting the text of Isla. And she wanted us to meet at the church near her condo. I was so determined on winning her back. She let me hugged her when we met outside the church so I thought I'll win this conversation. Little did I know that this conversation would break me into pieces again.

"No hon, you're enough for me. You're more than eno–"

"If I'm enough then why?! Bakit mo ko niloko?! Kasi hindi ko na maintindihan! Iniisip ko na baka may mali sa akin? Baka may kulang? Baka may hindi ako nabigay? Baka dahil dun kaya niya ako niloko?–"

Ang sakit pala. Ang sakit makita yung taong pinaka mamahal mo na umiiyak at nasasakan ng ganito. Ang sakit marinig ang mga salitang ito galing sa kanya. It hurts seeing her question her worth. The woman confident and proud of herself is now questioning everything about her. God what have I done? Iñigo anong ginawa mo!

"It won't matter anymore. I won't force you to marry her. It's not my decision to make. Pero para sa anak mo, gawin mo nalang. Give your child a complete family that you wished you had. Be a good father Iñigo."

How could she say that? How could she say those words like it won't change everything that we had? Alam ko nasaktan ko siya pero tangina naman nasasaktan din naman ako! I can't live my life without her. Hindi ba pwedeng kahit masakit wag niya akong iwan? Kasi ako, kahit masakit ipaglalaban ko kung anong meron kami. Ganoon ko siya kamahal eh.

I hugged her so tight as if she'll vanish if I won't hold her as tight as I could. She started reminding me of things I should do alone. This is all bullshit. Hindi pwede to. Hindi siya pwedeng mawala sa akin. How am I able to survive living everyday knowing that me and Isla would turn into strangers with so many memories. Memories that I will treasure forever.

Wala na akong nagawa. Buo na ang desisyon niya. So here I am, standing, back facing at the altar, looking at her as she went outside the church walking away from me. She's walking away for real. And even if I'm desperate to hold her tight, hindi na pwede. I can feel the numbness in me as she disappeared on my sight.

_____

Wala na talaga akong balak magpakita kay Isla. Baka kasi lumuhod na talaga ako sa harapan niya para balikan lang niya ako. And I know she loathed me that much. But Christmas came. I asked permission to mommy na pupuntahan ko ang Lola ni Isla. Mommy was hesitant at first pero sinabi ko sa kanya I will only kept my promise. Maraming pangako akong binitawan kay Isla na hindi natupad, dadagdagan ko pa ba? So she agreed and reminded me not to make a scene.

When I arrived, I saw how shocked Isla was. It's like the first time that we saw each othe at her nieces birthday party. Memories.

I figured her family still didn't know about what happened to us. Cause if they do, they probably won't welcome me in their household.

After dinner, Isla's lola wanted me to go with her at her office in this house. Sinamahan din kami ng mommy niya. Sumunod naman ang daddy ni Isla. I could feel their excitement so I was so confused of what was happening.

"This is our family heirloom. My husband proposed to me with this ring. When Isla's dad proposed to my daughter, ito din ang ginamit niya. I asked him to use this ring." Her lola said.

She showed me a very beautiful ring. Yes, Isla once told me about their family heirloom. It is indeed beautiful just like how Isla described them before.

Her mom went near me and said. "We want you to use this kung magpo'propose ka na kay Isla. We weren't able to give this to her ate kasi diba nagpakasal ang ate niya nang hindi namin alam. Nalaman nalang namin nung nakasal na sila." Tita chuckled remembering what Isla's ate did way back.

"We don't want to pressure you Iñigo pero alam naman na din namin na doon din ang punta niyo ni Isla. So might as well give this ring to you as early as we can." Tito said.

I looked at the ring again. Gusto kong tanggapin, gustong gusto. Pero hindi na pwede. Mas lalo lang magagalit si Isla sa akin kapag tinanggap ko ito.

"Lola, tita, tito. I'm so sorry but I can't accept this" i said.

Gumuhit ang pagtataka sa mga mata nila.

I continued. "Me and Isla broke up before she went to Bataan."

I heard tita's gasp. I looked down at the floor. I can't meet their gaze.

"Wait I'm confused. Bakit? What happened ba? Why so sudden?" Tita asked.

I sighed and tried my best to look at them. I was contemplating on whether I'll them the reason or not. Ayokong pangunahan si Isla pero nandito na ako eh Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko sila makikita ulit so might as well tell them now.

"I got another girl pregnant." I started. And then continued telling them everything.

I saw the anger in tito's eyes, the sadness of tita's face. And when I looked at lola tinago niya agad ang sing sing. She walked towards her table, kumapit siya ng maayos na para bang kumukuha ng lakas doon. Tito got alarmed kaya lumalit siya kay lola para alalayan ito.

"How could you do that to Isla? How could you do that to my grandchild!"

"I'm sorry lola"

"Iñigo you promised me! You promised me that you'll never hurt her! You promised me that you'll take care of her! What happened!"

She started crying. Tumabi na rin sa kanya si tita na umiiyak na din. This is all my fault I know. If only I–

"How could you hurt her like that? Kung ayaw mo na sa kanya sana sinabi mo nalang sa amin. Tatanggapin naman namin. Hindi yung ganito" lola said na nanghihina na.

Umiling ako.

"No po. I never intended to hurt her. Kung pwede ko lang saluhin lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya ginawa ko na. Mahal na mahal ko po siya. Mahal na mahal ko po si Isla"

"If you really love her then why did you do that?" Tita asked.

"Tita I'm so sorry. No reason could justify what I did. Ako man po hindi alam kung bakit ko nagawa iyon"

"That's stupid Iñigo. We welcomed you in our home. I treated you as my son. I entrusted my daughter to you because you promised that you'll never hurt her. Seems like your promises are just mere promises huh" tito said.

Nakayuko na lang ako habang tinatanggap ang mga akusasyon nila. Totoo naman eh

"If that's the case then please, leave Iñigo. We don't want to see your face ever again. We treasured the moment you and Isla had. I saw how much you loved her pero kahit pala talaga mahal mo ang isang tao makakaya mo pa rin itong saktan" lola whipped her tears away.

"I am so sorry po. If only I could bring back the time I would–"

"You can't Iñigo, you just can't. Na kahit ilang beses kang mag sorry hindi mo na maibabalik yun." Tito said. "Please respect my household by leaving this instant."

I nodded. Pinauna kong lumabas sila tita at tito sa opisina ni lola. And then I saw Isla. She's confused on why her mom suddenlt hugged her.

I asked her if she could walk me outside. I was already sure that I would beg if she won't agree but she did. Nauna na akong maglakad. Seems like this would be the last time huh

I stopped in front of my car and then faced her. I looked at her, memorizing her facial features. I love this girl so much. So much that I am willing to trade anything to the universe just so I could have her back. I begged alright, I begged again. I begged hopping that she'll come back.

"Can we not see each other anymore? If nakita man nating ang isa't isa accidentally, pwede bang umiwas nalang muna tayo?"

Umiwas? Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang iwasan ang babaeng pinka-mamahal ko. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang ipa-intindi sa sarili ko na ito na ang gusto niyang mangyari.

Despite the disagreement, I nodded. Wala na akong magagawa. Isla already decided.

As she walked away from me I can hear my heart tearing, pieces by pieces. Hindi pa rin nasasagot ang mga tanong ko. Paano ko nagawa 'to. How did I possibly hurt the only girl who did nothing but bring out the best in me?

Hindi ko maintindihan. Nagmahal lang naman ako. Pero bakit? Bakit kailangang mangyayari to? If only I could turn back the time, if only things happened in a different way, if only.

Isla, my ultimate crush. The reason why I become the best version of myself. The girl who stood by me through ups and downs, now walking away from me. It is true. Even the most kindness person would reach their limit if provoked constantly.

Isla, the girl I love so much. The girl I'd tell my child when he grows up.

Isla, the one I've been missing.

***

:)