On My Own

Still sitting in the middle of the living room pulling on strands of beige carpet, I heard a light, intermittent tapping sound. I picked up my head trying to isolate both the sound and direction it was coming from. My eyes stopped on the leftmost bay window. I could see that the once delicate, welcomed dampness of the mist on such a hot summer's day had graduated into the first few splats of raindrops from the mounting storm.

I wasn't particularly superstitious, but I couldn't ignore the coincidence that today was full of dreary clouds unlike our other anniversaries. Was this really happening? My thoughts wandered as I absent-mindedly continued to pull on the shag carpet I was sat upon. When I glanced down at my red Converse sneakers, I noticed how wet and sandy they were on the soles.

Perhaps going out would help. I could shop for furniture, food, and maybe even a few holiday items. Halloween was two months away, but I didn't mind getting an early start. It was my favorite holiday, after all.

I rose to my feet and began an inspection of the place, imagining where certain things could fit. In my bedroom, it was big enough to have a double bed and a dresser. I opened the louvered closet doors and checked out the space inside. I was happy to see that there were some shelves in there.

I stepped inside and realized it was more spacious than I'd originally thought. There was a section that went behind the shelving and then a small door for storage. I crouched down to get a better look. It had a cute tiny doorknob, but I noticed a small keyhole under the knob.

After I exited the closet, I had dust all over me. Glancing down, I brushed off my dark blue shorts and designer navy and white striped shirt. I was painfully aware of my attire. This was my last pair of designer … anything.

I walked back into the living room, picturing a nice wine-colored couch and a TV that was off set so not to get too heated from the fireplace. The bricks of the fireplace reminded me of the one I'd had when growing up, though this one was only a gas stove.

Glancing at the windows, I cursed at myself. I didn't have a blind or a curtain in the entire place. Ten windows and no way to block the sun out or to have any privacy. A wave of fear came over me. This was going to be the first full night I'd been alone in five years.

Immediately, I moved my mind in a more positive direction. When I went back to the kitchen, I walked to the bay windows and stared outside. It sure was busy down there. I could see clusters of people--some with umbrellas but others without--running and skipping on the sidewalk.

The more I thought about decorating, the better I felt. Making this apartment my own was going to feel empowering. I walked to the center island and rested my elbows on it. Its white top seemed kind of plain but at least it would be easy to see when it was dirty. I opened the cupboards and pictured them filled with cans and snacks.

The black refrigerator was wide open thoroughly thawed and unplugged. I grabbed the cord and plugged it into the outlet. I studied the design inside for a second, then closed it. I could pick up a few things today and worry about a bigger grocery trip in the next few days.

I placed my hands on my hips, noting the slight pressure of my pelvic bones poking through my pockets. I had always been naturally thin, but grief made me eat less. I'd have to be mindful of that when I felt the sinking ache that loss pushes on me. I hadn't had to feel that kind of sadness since Chase came into my life.

I picked up my new keys from the metal ring I had been given, took the elevator to the first floor, then stepped out the front door. I needed a cab. As luck would have it, the same one was out front.

"Small world. Are things slow today?" I asked as I took a seat in the back.

"No, just lots of short city fares today."

"I'm going to freshen up my apartment. Can you take me to a few different places?"

"Sure," he said with a smile. As he pulled out, we ran into a traffic jam. Though it was close to 5 pm, I didn't expect this type of gridlock on a Sunday. As we waited, the cabbie began talking.

"So, what are you looking for? Big stuff? Small stuff?" He had an accent though I couldn't place it. I studied his features. His hair was jet like mine though his skin was ochre-tinted. I hoped we'd get to know one another well enough to ask him where he was from.

"Both. I don't have a bed, TV, or a couch. I also don't have things like a toothbrush or ... food."

"Oh, well I can take you to a one-stop shop."

"Do you know of any place that can deliver furniture? Obviously, I don't have a way to transport the bigger things."

"When you decide on the things you want and if this place doesn't deliver, I may be able to hook you up with one of my friends."

"Wow, thanks!" I exclaimed. He smiled at me in the rearview mirror. I watched as the bumper-to-bumper traffic began to dissipate. I observed the cabbie's windshield wipers flopping left and right. I could see that one had scratched the glass in a curve. Probably from the ice and snow during a past winter.

He dropped me off at the warehouse and said he'd be back in about twenty minutes. I waved to him and entered the store. He wasn't kidding. It had everything I could need all-in-one.

I'd heard of this place before but didn't have much of a need for it in the past. We had staff who took care of shopping for us. I felt a wave of shame as I thought about how spoiled I was in the past. This was going to take some getting used to.

Chase had made sure I was taken care of. In fact, he was known for that kind of behavior. Being into technology myself, I'd read articles about him before we met, and everyone in the articles commented that he could be stern but generous. It was the first time I'd learned anything about him that sparked my interest, other than his skillful genius with a technology business, of course.

I picked a couch I thought I'd like and though it wasn't the burgundy I'd wanted, its mahogany-tinted upholstery would still match. I also didn't find a kitchen table that would fit, but I could use the island to eat from. The good news was, I was able to load up my grocery cart with plenty of preserved items and a few that were perishable. Setting a bottle of red wine in the cart, I questioned whether that was the best choice, but the wine glasses that were on sale solidified that decision for me as I placed them in my cart.

By the time I was finished with shopping, the cab was waiting outside for me. I smiled brightly at the driver as he hopped out of the car and helped me load the grocery bags.

"Oh, wow, I appreciate this, but you don't have to load it up for me, uh," I paused. "I didn't catch your name."

"It's Jafir," he said with a smile. "And with the groceries, please, I don't mind. Let me help."

Together we loaded the back seat.

"So, about the bigger items," I paused as I climbed into the front with him. "They said they could drop off the couch, but it was going to cost me another eighty dollars. I was hoping--"

"Say no more. I have a friend Brutus who can do it. He has a big moving truck and a brother he can bring. They are both large muscular men." Jafir mimicked a strength trainer by bowing out his arms and flexing his neck. I giggled.

"That would be a huge favor to me, Jafir. Thank you."

"Ah, don't mention it," he said waving his hand at me.

Together, we drove back to the new place, and I thanked him once more. I handed him the money for the fare and tipped him, but he gave me some of it back.

"Please, you can keep it. Maybe buy me a snack from one of the carts if I drive you again." I smiled and nodded.

"Sounds good," I said with a smile. "Do you have a card?" I asked. Jafir checked his pockets then handed me one. It was slightly worn a the edges and warm from him sitting on it. I thanked him again and went inside.

When I got upstairs, I wanted to put the card on the refrigerator, but I didn't have magnets. I made a mental note to pick some up when I had the chance. After that, I began putting the groceries and other items I had bought into the cupboards and refrigerator. When I brought out the wine, I almost tipped it over when I set it down on the corner of my phone.

I hadn't brought the phone with me on the trip, not only because I didn't have a need, but I didn't want to use data. I figured Chase would remove me from the phone plan soon so I'd have to wait until I had Wi-Fi to reliably use it. It would take a few days to get the internet turned on. After making sure to shut off data, I set it back down.

By the time I unloaded and put everything away, it was close to 7 pm. I used my new corkscrew to open the red wine I'd bought and poured myself some in one of my newly purchased cheaply made glasses. I brought the blow-up mattress to the bedroom, used the automatic air pump, and watched it fill. I had to tell myself to relax and keep my mind off Chase, but as each moment passed with the understanding that I was alone, my world became darker and soon I was in tears wondering how I was going to get through this.

In the other room I heard my generic phone notification sound. That was strange. I set the glass of wine on the floor and walked to the kitchen counter. I picked up the phone and dragged the message box down to view the preview. The text was from an unknown number that said, "Chase created you."