I OUIT

Right now, I have so many regrets.Should I list it out?On top of the list,I regret not telling you my true feelings .I regret you are the person I fell in love with! Heck! I regret meeting you actually.I regret becoming friends with you.I regret for rejecting all the love confession I received.Why the fate have to play me like this?Was I wrong to fell in love?Am I not deserve to be loved?One sided love hurts this much?These questions messing up my mind..I feel my brain going to exploded from all this overthinking.I am going crazy.I hate myself for putting him and me in this awkward position.Would have been better if I only see him as my friend.

BUT!

Its too late for regrets. I can't change my past..all I have to do is fake it like I always do. I can pretend a bit longer..Can I? WAIT?! Why am I blaming myself here?I have to confess everything before this guilt eat me up.But again..will he accept me?His bestfriend?We have been friends for years..and..I don't know.After all, I am just his best friend.

I replayed the scene where he was kissing the girl inside our classroom. When I saw that ,my heart broke into pieces. Now, I know why he frequently visited my faculty.Its to see her.I was over the moon thinking he finally figured out things but It was all for the other girl.I know I can't accept anything from him..True feelings?From Him? For me? I should have known this earlier that the outcome will be bad if I fall for him.Why am I so dumb when it comes to him?or I just pretend to be dumb because I didn't want to face the reality?Regardless How many times I told myself not to fall in love with him...the deeper I fell for him.

I sniffed and blinked the tears to stop myself from crying harder but I failed yet again.It hurts too much.I clutched my shirt tighty just to feel better but it doesn't help either.Why can't he see me? I am right infront of him.Maybe because we are different? I don't think its a problem.Its just that he don't like me romantically.It was entirely my fault to love him. The problem is me.It was my choice so I don't have the right blame him in this matter.

"Gaya!"

Ugh! Why he have to be here now.I I internally sighed.He always witnesses my miserable state that makes me feel pathetic.I wiped my tears away and put on a fake smile.Yeah, as always.He was so smiley and bright. Guess the kiss made his mood better.He took a seat beside me.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Then why your eyes look puffy and red?Did you cry?"

I decided to stay silent.In reality,I want to scream on top of my lungs..I am crying because of you..How dare you show your face here!Obviously I didn't want him to think I am some crazy bitch.So only option left is to shut my mouth and suffer alone.He slowly caressed my cheeks. I can see he was concerned to see me in this state.I lost myself to his touch for second.I pulled away as I realize we are too close. I don't want his current lover to attack me for being too close with him.Well, I should stop being too close with him as he has a girlfriend now.

"Do you love her?"I suddenly popped out the question without warning catching him offguard.I wanted to slap myself for doing this but I need answers.

"HuH?!"

"Do.You.Love.Her.?"I repeated again.This time more loud and clear.I was hoping he would say no.I agree I am selfish but I am desperate as well.

"Yes."

This is his first time he admitted he love somebody openly.He always been a playboy who never commits,changing girlfriends like t-shirts,never get attached to them.He told he didn't like the idea of getting tied down to just one person.But the day he laid eyes on her..I know she captured his attention. The way he talks about her...I figured he had fallen in love with her long time ago.He just didn't realise it yet..I thought. The moment I feared the most is here. I honestly didn't prepare well for this day. I didn't prepare...My eyes got teary again. I close my eyes shut to stop myself. I should just leave.BUT!Something was stopping me.

"Gaya,you are scaring me? Are you okay?"He started to pat my back in attempt to calm me.At that very moment the walls I build around my heart shattered into milion pieces. I broke down. I was sobbing while hugging him tight. I needed this.I needed the hug.

He didn't ask questions instead he tighten our hug while caressing my back. I broke the hug and stare at him. Its now or never!Yes! It's time to end my suffering all at once.

"Congratulations dude!Finally!!!Okay... Aidan you have to listen to me yeah?I am happy for you and you know that too.She is perfect for you. But!I think...I think we don't need each other anymore, Aidan."I said it all in one breath. I shouldn't deny the reality anymore and try hard to move on from him.This time I am going to take it seriously.

His knitted eyebrow clearly shows he is confused. He removed his hand from my back and hold onto my hands.My heads hung low unable to look at him in the eyes.Why can't I see him eye to eye?Was I feeling guity?Guilty for thinking of marrying him one day?What a joke!

" Gaya you do know right? Nothing is going to change between us. You are still my bestfriend.What are you thinking?"His words were assuring.But was it enough for me?

"I love you Aidan."I confessed. It's time to come clean.Yes it will be okay ,right?

"Aww I love you too."

"No! Aidan I love you..I ..as in romatically..I...I...lo...."I try to form some words to make him understand. I didn't know the way to express my feeling.The timing was bad too.What Do I always make wrong decisions in my life?

He bursted out laughing all of sudden.My heart broke looking at the way he reacted.He took me as a joke?So I was never taken seriously by this guy.When he saw me not laughing together with him..he stopped.Yeah I am pissed.

"Wait..you.."There you realised now.

"Yes!I loved you for years..Even aunty knows about it.I blindly loved you that I never cared when you dated other girls.I didn't mind when you became the biggest player in our university because I thought one day I will able to change your heart. I was stupid to think that. I noticed the way you look at her...you can never look at me like that..I know I accept the reality but the dick move you made me realized I loved the wrong guy all along. "I spilled the secrets I treasured for years. Maybe its because I was angry and heart broken ...I spoke without thining twice.But stragenly I didn't regret my actions this time.

"Gaya.You are my bestfriend. I can never.."

"I know . I know.It was my fault. Thats why I am ending this. I am done loving someone that I can never be with. I...I want to be loved now."

"Gaya..stop you can't live without me..We been friends for years..You can't live without me.Who is going to drive you home?..Who's going to wake you up every morning?.... We are important part of each other's life ,Gaya.Don't utter non sense.I don't like it.I will pretend you never said anything..hmm.. ok?"He said all that with a bored look on his face.He make it like I am crazy person.WOWWW! I can't believe this jerk.

I gave him an unbelievable look. I couldn't believe he would say something like that.I clearly knows ending this will be a big impact on my life but I can get used to it.Without him.Thinking back all the things I did for him. I feel more pathetic than I already am.I just dashed off from there.

I ignored when he called my name. I felt a pair of arms hugging me real tight not letting go of me.For a second, I was happy he ran behind me.He needs me in his life..But the hands which are embracing me was different... It wasn't the person I thought. I can't believe I still had tiny little hope in me that he will run behind me.I was wrong again.Why is it always dissapointing?Is it because I hope too much?Was I even important to him or I am just a person who would go to any extent to fulfill his request?

"Gaya..You did great.."The person still hugging me said. He made me turn so that he can look at me. He slowly wiped my tears and held my face in his hands. His tenderness was visible.His large hands gave the warmeness I needed. Without uttering any words I hugged him. He didn't resist.He hugged me back and planted a small kiss on my forehead.I didn't push him away..I feel I finally got somebody who I can lean on now.That was the vibes I got for him.

"Senior Jay...Aidann..He..I.."I chocked on my own words.I wasn't in my best state to speak.I try to force out words to explain him my situation.

"You don't have to say anything..Just let it all out..I am here for you"Those words calmed me down.I really didn't want to talk about it too. I'm glad he understood my feeling.

What I didn't notice that a pair of eyes watching us from far. Regretting being late.He wish he was the person who calming me down. The longing eyes said everything.