School and home

I've been waiting for awhile and I feel good about this audition. I feel like this one is gonna work. I've been checking my mailbox for the past few days. I've been thinking of what I could bring...

A suit case would be nice and another bag on the side. I want to bring pictures but I won't just my phone. Talking about my phone reminds me that it's broken, I need to repair it. I got distracted and my phone slipped out of my hands... actually I usually have a screen protector, but I took it out because it was broken and it annoyed me so thought of buying a new one. Sadly I dropped it literally a day or two after. Anyway, I was planning to bring a lot of things, clothes for training and for all seasons, money. I need to save up money. I am spending my money for the last time for awhile. I don't want to be fully broke when I will get there. I made a list of all the thing useful. Thought of it for long, my passeport and some identity cards. I think some books would be good to bring. I want to bring some albums that represents something for me. I think I should get ready in case I am chosen. I don't have any makeup so I won't bring anything related to it. I hope I'm gonna be chosen, I feel like I'm so close to my dream right now. I feel like in a fairy tale. I want to feel the work and the improvement.

I've been thinking what I was going to tell the school and all those people why I was leaving, I don't want to explain them that I'm leaving to train in Korea. I will surprise them in the future, I'll be on the stage shining and showing them what it's like to purchase a dream. I want to succeed. I want to yell at them how they have been. They were racists sometimes. They were mean and laughing at me sometimes. They pretended to be friend with me sometimes. They were really immature and created a hierarchy in the class I couldn't believe it, at one point I thought they all hated me, they left me at the bottom. I know I'm worth more than what they said, thought or whatever. I'm supposed to be elsewhere. How hypocrite they were, the teacher saw how annoyed I was about it and started to talk in her back and had the audacity then to tell me that if I was uncomfortable with it they could've erased everything. Yet, if you saw them talking it sounded like the end of the world. So of course all the blame would've been on me, see they are immoral and hypocrite. Sometimes, I wondered if I had the right to be mean to them too. They gave me comments I didn't ask just because I enjoyed a certain type of music. They were all fake sometimes. They were all different, some were really kind, others were mean and hid it, some were mean and didn't hide it, some were fake kind and some were just absent in my mind. Bullying never really occurred in the school, it was just masked by the fake compliment they gave you. Some teachers were nice while some were really mean. Some teachers thought we were grown ups while others thought we were still kids. So many kind of people it's surprising that this fake and awkward friendship could happen.

I once really like this teacher (English teacher), he had opinions that he didn't hide. He taught us, not English, but he taught us some valuable lessons for life. He taught us how to express ourselves. He was a great teacher. He had great ideas and had a true desire to teach us more than just grammar. He taught us to live and some history that we didn't learn in history class. He taught us his stories. He taught his passion. He didn't treat us as kids nor as adults, he treated us as a new generation. He treated us like like teens. He was a great teacher I was going to miss him a lot.

At the opposite, this teacher really got on my nerves. She wasn't mean or anything. he just genuinely just got my nerves. She just kept talking to us like we were kids of 5 or something. It wasn't fun her class. It's not that I hated her, I just didn't appreciate her classes.

Talking about my school made me think of home. It doesn't really feel like home, sometimes my mom would get really mean, but sometimes she was nice. My dad has always been my favorite you would ask me and I would never think twice. He was kind and more lenient. He had a nice temper and shared something with me that I didn't have with my mom. I had problems creating a bond with my mom. She would get really mad and that scared me. I wrote a lot about it. I don't feel comfortable. She stresses me a lot. She made me cry a lot too. I remember so many tears falling down from my eyes because of her. Sometimes her comments are really out of proportion. It could get as mean as telling me I would be a hoe or she kept comparing me to my sisters. I never was me. I was my sisters' sister. I had a personality, but every time something had happened, she would tell me "You know at your age your sister..." I was always compared. My grades dropped at one point. I had a mental breakdown. She would never allow me to leave the home, she would stop me. She wouldn't want me to go to Korea. She would like me to stay and have a normal life and forget about my dream. She would not understand what this dream represents to me. It represents life and passion, determination. It represents something more than a dream. She wouldn't understand anyway... I wanted her to understand.

My dad would understand, he would support me. I wanted to be an actress too. I wanted so many thing, I hope the results would get to me soon! I've been waiting for so long.