If This is Your Love, Then I Don't Want It

Fei Ning rose from her knees and bitterly stared at the man in front of her. She didn't need to ask to know what he had found out. Instead she held her head high like the beautiful and composed daughter she was raised to be. She was taught that the title of empress would someday be hers. She knew from young that her goal was to marry for that sold purpose. So even at such a time where these were her last moments, she would leave with the same dignity.

Pei Nan coldly continued to point the sword at her. "Su Fei Ning, I've finally caught you." His words were enough to leave her laughing in disbelief.

"Pei Nan…with your wits, I should have known you already started to suspected me? But...even if you have caught me, it is too late. My father will be in Lian within a few hours with the information I stole from you. It's the end of you." She bit out.

This time it was Pei Nan who was the one to laugh at her mockingly. "Fei Ning…you think that I was a fool this entire time? You really think I didn't know what you were up when I married you? I hate to break your moment of satisfaction but your father…Marquis of Su is already being brought back to be tried as we speak."

A deathly cold draft spread through her entire body. She gave him a look as if she didn't believe it. "No." she shook her head. "No way would you have known. I had been careful; there was no way I could have slipped. You are lying to me."

"Fei Ning, I've known you since we were young. You think I wouldn't know that you were helping your father stage a rebellion?"

She clenched her fist tightly as she asked the question she hesitated to ask the moment he pointed his blade at her. "When did you know?"

"I've always known." His answer was enough for her to understand what had transpired.

"Did you know before we got married?" Her voice shook from terror as she proceeded to confirm the reality.

"Fei Ning, if I didn't need you to bait your father into revealing his true plans, I would never have married you. Every single bit of information you have sent to your father, it was all my doing."

A low lunatic chuckle escaped her mouth and her eyes seemed as if they had gone crazy. "Ever since I became your wife, I have pondered day in and day out as to why you never consummated our wedding. So it's not because you have a fear of skinship, it's because you don't love me." She finally understood. "Pei Nan, do you know how cruel you are?" Tears formed in her eyes.

"Then what about you? You coldheartedly killed Ji Er. What wrong had she ever done to you? She never once fought against you for my affection. But you…you had such a poisonous heart to murder her. What is your heart made of?" Pei Nan clenched his jaw tightly.

"If I had known what you were planning, I would have killed Consort Pan instead. Instead I wanted her to rot in jail for the rest of her life knowing the man she loved did not trust her. Wouldn't that have been crueler than death?" She tilted her head and grinned at him. "It's a pity Ji Er's death went to waste." Fei Ning spoke as if Ji Er's life was trivial.

Pei Nan's sword angrily went down to where her heart was. "SU FEI NING! What is your heart made of? I'll kill you." He shouted.

But she did not flinch. "It has already come to this. If your highness wants to kill me, than I have no complaints." She closed her eyes.

Seconds passed and still he did not move. Fei Ning opened her eyes to see him with conflicted emotions. "Your highness, I too know that you don't have the will to kill me."

"Shut up! Who says I can't kill you? I would rather you suffer the shame as people insult your name for years to come." He turned to call for his guard when he felt a tug on his sword's blade.

Fei Ning's two hands were holding onto the blade as the tip pierced her in the chest. "Pei Nan…you are cruel. I am the most beautiful woman this city has ever scene; you know I would rather die than to bear such a shame." She said before slowly falling onto the ground.

He caught her before her body collapsed on the ground. Fei Ning weakly lay in his arms. "Why?" he asked softly. In his heart, he knew he would never be able to kill her yet she chose death herself.

This time when she looked up at his face, there was nothing but affection and adoration in her eyes. "Pei Nan, do you know you make it hard for anyone not to love you? Would you have been able to love me if I hadn't been born as my father's daughter?"

As she continued to look in his eyes, she already knew his answer. "I am my father's daughter. For my own selfishness I chose him in this lifetime. If I had the chance again, I would choose you." With all her strength, she reached up for his cheek.

"Fei Ning...Ji Er will be lonely. Apologize to her and atone for your sin. Accompany her."

Before her hand could reach for his cheek, her body first gave up on her.

***

Many hours had passed before Yu Mei was released.

She dragged her weary body to where Ji Er still lay. Ji Er was now in a white burial gown with Hou Lei at her side. He sat there holding her hand with puffy red eyes. He had been too depressed to realize she had walked in.

Yu Mei gently put her hand on his shoulder. "Hou Lei, you should know Ji Er sincerely loved you all this time."

"I know." He sighed. "I blame myself for being too stupid to not see the truth. Now it is too late."

"Ji Er chose this path not for herself but because of the people she loved. She never meant to hurt you. Her only fault was not loving herself first. Now the suffering she has endured has finally come to an end." Yu Mei stared at Ji Er. "She is in a good place watching over us. If she saw you blaming yourself, how would she feel? You know she would tell you not to blame yourself."

"Yes, my Ji Er was always kind and thoughtful. She always thought of others before herself. Even in her last moments, she thought of you." Hou Lei pulled out a small folded letter from his sleeve and handed it to her.

"I'm sure you have many things to talk about with Ji Er. I will give you some time." He got up.

"Thank you Hou Lei."

Yu Mei sat next to Ji Er and lightly touched her cheek. "Sister Ji Er, did you know that night I snuck into your room, I knew then that we would become best friends. You are the most understanding and lovable person I have ever met." Yu Mei's hand reached to touch her hair as she began to stroke it softly. "You were always the one giving. I'm sorry for not being able to do anything for you in return. I'm sorry I must send you away like this. But I know you are happy." Yu Mei bent over to kiss her on the forehead before leaving.

When Yu Mei returned to her courtyard, Gu Shao was there waiting for her. He immediately ran over to her and grabbed her arms firmly. "Yu Mei, are you hurt?"

She shook her head.

"Yu Mei, don't take it to heart. Pei Nan didn't mean to use you as bait to lure Fei Ning. Please don't let it bother you." He knew he didn't need to explain the situation to her. She had already heard about what went on in those hours she was imprisoned.

She did not react to his good intentions.

Her tired dull eyes looked up. "Brother Shao, if you were me, would you forgive him?"

Before he could say another word to speak up for his brother, Yu Mei broke away from his grip. "I'm tired."

Gu Shao was at a lost for words. He could only helplessly watch as she disappeared into her room.

***

Chu'mei's faint sniffling could be heard bright and early the next morning. Her skinny arm was wrapped around Yu Mei's the moment she saw the small bag around her lady's shoulder.

She was leaving...

Chu'mei clung tightly. "Xiaojie, can I come with you?"

Yu Mei pulled Chu'mei into a motherly hug. "Silly girl…I cannot take you with me. Where I am going is not fit for a pretty little girl like yourself."

"I'll do anything as long as you take me." She continued to compromise.

"Chu'mei, you are my dearest friend. Following me on this poor road I am taking will only make you suffer. As a friend, I do not wish to see you suffer with me."

It took a some more convincing before Chu'mei had no choice but to give up.

She pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket and handed it to her lady. "My mother gave it to me before I entered the palace. She said that as long as I had this, she would always be with me. I am giving it to you. I don't want you to be lonely on your journey." Chu'mei wiped her own tears.

"Thank you Chu'mei. I'll keep it with me always."

Yu Mei let go of Chu'mei, kissed her forehead and turned away. Before she could take one step, Chu'mei once again held onto her arm. "What about his highness?"

She closed her eyes and his face appeared in her mind.

"His highness has always been meticulous. I was nothing more than a small pawn to be used by him. Me leaving will only be one less problem for him. Without me…he still has Consort Wan." She then turned to her maid. "Chu'mei, I'm really going. Take care!"

***

When she stepped out of the front gate to her courtyard, she looked back once more. Everything felt unreal. This stunning courtyard…once she had dreamed of such a life. The life of a beautiful and wealthy woman who was envied by all.

The more she thought of those dreams she had once as a young woman, the more she began to laugh at herself. If she had left the moment she became Pan Yu Mei, would it have stopped her from such heartache?

Her left thumb circled around the second finger. A faint discoloration mark replaced the ring that was once there.

[Pei Nan...was it a blessing or a curse to meet you? Every time you give me happiness, you take it away. You say you love me but continue to disappoint me time and time again. If this is your way of loving me, then I would rather not have it at all.]

***

Pei Nan had spent all night yesterday chasing down every official involved in the rebellion that he did not get a chance to return to his palace until late next morning. Still with his clothes covered in blood and sweat, he ran towards Pan Yu Mei's room.

The door swung open and he impatiently ran in.

Empty...

He looked in every direction. "Pan Yu Mei, where are you?" He rushed outside and searched every inch of the courtyard but she was nowhere to be found.

His gut feeling told him something was not right. He again ran into her room and opened her drawers and closet. Everything was still in there.

She was still here.

As he turned to search once more, a small shine caught his attention.

He slowly made his way to her writing desk. His legs almost gave up on him when he realized what it was.

Sitting on top of a folded piece of paper was his promise to her.