Chapter 26 – Onward

AN: Aaand we're back! Honestly kinda bummed out that the Valentine's Special only got two comments, but hey, it's two more than I had! With that in mind, Reviewer Replies!

LucasVAMP: As always, glad you enjoyed and yeah I totally feel ya. It's always cool to see one's home brought up. Yep, harem won by a landslide.

Raidentensho: Shouldn't be surprised you caught the Clock Tower reference, but I am a little surprised you've never commented on the fact that he's admitted TWICE NOW to actually having BEEN to Fuyuki. However, I feel I should point out: Wrong generation. Whatever you're thinking as you read this chapter, if you're thinking StayNight, wrong generation. Make of that what you will but no matter what you make of it, I bet it'll still floor you when the reveal hits.

For those of you sticks in the mud who skipped the special here's the results of the poll on whether or not this is gonna be a harem story or not.

"No I wanna know who the final pairing is gonna be!" : 11

"Yes harem ending!" : 25

As you all can see, harem ending wins with over double the amount of votes, so multi-pairings are definitely now a thing and Jerry will be having children and stable ongoing relationships with multiple women.

Honestly I'm very pleased with these results because I really didn't want to write the scene where Jack's mother dies. It's always been my intent for this to be a lighthearted and fun story, but that would've been unquestionably a horrific tragedy. I would've done it if that's what the votes had said, but the poll's closed now and closed on a very happy note.

For those of you who wanted to know what the final pairing was going to be, take heart, Jerry still gets with her, and I WILL be calling it out when it hits him. I can't tell you who it is right now because it would spoil a hell of a lot of surprises that I've been working very hard to keep under wraps and trust me, you don't want me spoiling this one.

That went a lot quicker than I would've expected after a special like that, but now for the longest chapter to date...

...

Chapter 26 – Onward

…

…

I'm not sure when it was that I woke up. A part of my brain knew that I should by all means feel like a hammered pile of shit from that beating Ajeel had given me, but there was no pain. I felt weak, like my whole body had gone limp, but it didn't hurt. It wasn't as though my body were heavy and required too much effort to move, I honestly felt like I had become a cloud. I was vaguely aware of someone gently stroking my hair (which hadn't grown back anything like in full although that didn't register with me until later) and I opened my eyes.

The light through the leaves should've blinded me, but it was soft and welcoming. My eyes immediately met a pair of the most heart stoppingly beautiful green eyes I'd ever seen gazing down at me from beneath golden blonde hair, and the smile that accompanied them would've taken my breath away if there'd been any in me to begin with.

"So you're awake," She chuckled, "Are you really in that much of a hurry to come back to me?"

My confusion must've been evident on my face because she laughed lightly, "Don't worry about it too much. Just live for now, you're almost there. Try to be a little less reckless from now on okay? If your body wasn't chock full of magic making you tougher through that fight, you would've died when your wounds opened back up after you passed out. You came close enough to come visit me anyway!"

I wanted to ask what she meant because everything felt so hazy, but it was all I could do to open my mouth, let alone make sound come out of it. She just laughed, "Yeah I know, me talking about being reckless, but you know," she added in a kind but firm tone, "That just means you should pay that much more attention." Her eyes took a sharp glint, "You had better make it Jerry, I definitely won't forgive you if you don't."

My brow furrowed in confusion and she sighed, "Oh yeah, that stupid memory spell…" she shot a furtive glance off to the side, "I really wasn't supposed to bring you in here…" Then a broad grin that made my heart skip a beat spread across her face, "But who would I be if I didn't say screw the rules every once in a while?" She leaned down and gave me a quick kiss was every bit as familiar as Mira's and made the hole in my memory scream and strain against the magic restraining its contents while my very soul seemed to relax in contentment and comfort. I could've stayed there in her arms for the rest of eternity without ever even the slightest impulse to move.

Then she came up for air and grinned at me, and the spark of excitement in her eyes fully reversed the contentment, stirring every wayward spark of adventurousness I'd ever had. In an instant she had stoked the embers to a roaring bonfire as she declared, "That was for luck. Now get back over there and make me proud!"

She somehow managed to shove me and the whole world shifted like I'd been shot from a cannon. I twisted as I flew away and caught one final glimpse of her smile in a patch of sunflowers before…

…

...

I slammed back into wakefulness like a ton of bricks and was immediately aware that whatever pain I'd been missing out on was definitely waiting for me in the realm of consciousness. My ears were ringing and everything ached. Every spot where Ajeel and Wall had connected felt like I'd been slammed with a steel mace. My entire front and right side felt like I'd been caught in an explosion point blank. Can you really blame me for immediately flying wide awake and all but roaring in discomfort?

My pillow suddenly shot out from under me and I banged my head on the ground which led to a bit of swearing as I rolled onto my left and clutched my head.

Then the chills started. It felt like a wave of ice rolling down my body and I shook like I'd been thrown into the snow naked and soaked as what felt like a chill breeze tickled every nerve I had. My skin itched like mad where Ajeel's sand had scoured away the top layer of flesh and I couldn't even scratch it because my muscles were spasming and clenching too hard. I felt a couple of sets of hands latch onto me a minute into my writhing as they tried to still my thrashing. That didn't make it feel any better and their voices got steadily louder as the weird ringing in my ears was steadily drowned out.

Then, it all suddenly stopped. The oddly shaped scar around my eye flared for a moment and one final shudder ran through me. I scrunched my eyes shut and tried to slow my hammering heart through sheer willpower because I couldn't control my breathing right away. My head still itched a bit, but a moment later, I was able to open my eyes and look around.

Gajeel had one leg, Natsu had the other. Lucy and Levy were holding one of my arms and Miguel, Elric and Serena had the other. Erza had me by the shoulders. "Are you alright?" Gajeel asked warily.

I took a moment to consider that, "Ya know? I actually feel like I'm back to a hundred percent physically."

"You…look like you're back to a hundred percent physically," Levy declared.

I blinked, "Eh?"

"I didn't know you had healing magic," Natsu mused, "Why didn't you ever use that before? It's like that fight two days ago didn't even happen!"

I looked at him in shock, "EHH?!" I tugged my hands free and felt my face as I checked the teeth that I was pretty sure Ajeel had dislodged a few of with my tongue. Everything was back in place, even, "Holy shit, is my hair back?!" I ran my hands through it, "My hair's back!"

"You mean that wasn't supposed to happen?" Erza asked.

I looked up at her, "What do you mean supposed to? I'm still not even sure what happened. Last thing I remember is passing out right after Ajeel and Wall took off. Where are we anyway?" We weren't still at Mildian, the slightly damp grass I could feel under me proved that.

"We're a few hundred miles east of Mildian," Levy declared, "We used my tank to get as far from those Alvarez guys as possible once we found Miguel and Serena."

Then Lucy frowned, "Hey what's this?" She reached out and gently wiped the corner of my mouth with her thumb. When her hand came away there was a shining silvery stain on her thumb. She examined it curiously, "Is it some sort of medicine?" She sniffed it, "It kind of smells like snow…"

Then she stuck the thumb in her mouth and looked almost like she'd been dunked in ice water as she immediately started shivering, "SO COLD!"

The rest of us just looked at her flatly. "Unknown mystery fluid found on the guy who just recovered from five broken ribs, a completely demolished face, a dislocated shoulder, his entire front being pulverized by what looks like the results of a pointblank explosion and near baldness in the space of a few minutes…" Levy ticked off dryly, "And your first impulse is to try it?"

"Makes sense to me," Natsu mused.

"Which should be all the proof you need that it's a bad idea," Gajeel added.

"You wanna go?!" Natsu demanded.

"Not until we figure out whose scent that is!" Gajeel snapped, "Because I've got a pretty good idea of all nine of your scents and there's a tenth one here that probably has something to do with whatever that mystery potion is!"

The rest of us froze and looked at him. "And you didn't mention this sooner why?" Erza asked.

"Because we were busy holding our friend down in the midst of what looked like a seizure," Gajeel replied flatly, "And you, me and Natsu are about the only ones here strong enough to even consider holding him. Now why don't you whip out one of those swords you're so fond of and keep an eye out while Natsu and I try to track that scent?"

"What's it smell like?" I asked as Natsu immediately put his nose to the ground like a bloodhound and started sniffing around us.

"Lucy… Wendy… Laxus… Gray's sister… dust… old fabric…" Natsu ticked off as he started crawling along what I guess was a scent trail.

"So a blonde girl in her late teens in good health with wind magic who's been hanging out in a museum or an old library?" Gajeel asked.

"Lightning and ice too," Natsu declared.

I scratched my head through my hair, "Hey Serena, wasn't that girl we saw in Mildian blonde?"

Serena looked at me in surprise, "Do you think it could be her? How could she possibly have followed us?"

I nodded, "The magic that defended Mildian was almost entirely storm and ice based. Wind, Lightning and Ice, if she can fly with that Wind magic like Erigor, and on the scale of power that storm displayed I think she probably could, then she could almost certainly keep up with us."

"That would also explain why the trail ends right here," Natsu added as he sat back in a crouch, "So she can fly and she's got healing magic like Wendy? That's cool." Then he and Gajeel went stiff, swapped a glance and immediately leapt to their feet, "WEEEEEEENDDDDDDDDY!"

They started running around like headless chickens, running all over the place screaming for Wendy at the top of their lungs. We all watched them in stunned silence for a few minutes and then Erza sighed irritably. She got to her feet, stalked off and managed to intercept them just as their paths were about to cross. She calmly reached out, snagged them both by the collar… and slammed their heads together hard enough to lay them both out backwards when she let go.

Our guests stared in shock and Elric quietly asked, "Is this normal for you people?"

"This is tame for Fairy Tail," Levy replied, earning severe 'WTF?' looks from Serena, Elric and Miguel as Lucy and I nodded in agreement.

"WHAT THE HELL WOMAN?!" Gajeel demanded as he sat up rubbing his forehead.

"If it were your little sister, then she would've stuck around," Erza declared sharply, "And if she didn't, then you need to assume that she had a good reason not to. Besides, from what you two have told me, Wendy doesn't use Ice magic right?"

"Yeah, Wendy's a Sky Dragon Slayer, not a Storm Dragon," Natsu mused before adding, "But her uncle Notus was a Storm Dragon!"

"And her uncle Boreas was a Snow Dragon," Gajeel added.

Erza crossed her arms, "And is it possible to be all three?"

Natsu and Gajeel swapped a glance. "Is it?" Natsu asked.

"Never heard of a dragon with multiple elements," Gajeel admitted, "Can you imagine how overpowered that would be? Could a body even withstand that kind of power?"

"Pretty nuts," Natsu agreed, "It's part of what makes Jerry's magic so scary. If I didn't know he has an upper limit on how much power he can handle before he has to discharge, he'd be scarier than Erza. That and he's not immune to what he can eat the way a Dragon Slayer is. He'd be unstoppable if he was."

Erza cleared her throat, "Getting back on topic, you said the girl you were tracking was blonde right? Didn't you say that Wendy's hair is blue like Levy's?"

Gajeel and Natsu swapped a glance and then looked away. "A bit darker but yeah," Gajeel admitted, "We're just worried about her you know? Sting and Lyos too."

Serena looked over at us, "What are they talking about?"

"Natsu and Gajeel had magic induced memory blocks in their heads, they'd forgotten their little sister and brothers as well as each other," I explained, "I was able to find and remove them a couple of days before we set out on this quest. Gajeel took off to find their three younger siblings immediately, and we had to go retrieve Natsu from his most recent boneheaded stunt, after which one thing led to another which led to this quest."

"That must be awful," Serena mused, "I can't imagine forgetting my little sister."

"You have a little sister?" I asked curiously.

She nodded, "Eight years younger than me. She's the sweetest most adorable child I've ever met."

Then we heard Happy scream like he was being murdered and took off running.

…

…

We found Happy near a river and almost didn't recognize him. He more closely resembled a flailing silver mass of scales than his usual irritating self. It wasn't until Natsu all but nuked Happy's assailants off him and left him quivering in a fine coat of charcoal that we realized what had been on him while Natsu lifted him into his arms and called frantically, "HAPPY! HAPPY! SAY SOMETHING BUDDY!"

Happy was so traumatized he wasn't even doing his usual tears and whining. Instead he simply collapsed into unconsciousness, "Natsu…the fish…"

I picked up one of the charred fish and shot a glance at the river, "Oh hell…" I tossed the fish back into the river and the instant it sank beneath the surface, the water suddenly came alive like it was being furiously boiled. I'm sure I wasn't the only one staring in horror, "Piranha. Natsu, boil that river."

Natsu shot the river the most murderous glare I'd ever seen on him, "With pleasure." He inhaled and then, "FIRE DRAGON…ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!" I had throw an Archive screen between him and the rest of us to keep us from getting burned simply from being close to him. Normally Natsu's roar only has a white hot core for the first foot or so. This time, that core of merciless heat was probably six feet long, and Natsu kept it up for a good five minutes.

As steam billowed around us when Natsu finally let up, I dropped the screen and winced as the heat hit us like a hot towel. "Today's Tuesday right?" I asked although I was already sure it was as I popped Virgo's key out of my extradimensional pocket, "Open! Gate of the Maiden!"

That familiar golden light and bell chime shone through the night and a moment later Virgo was in front of me, looking shocked as she stared at me. "Jerry?" she asked, "How are you…" She reached out to touch my face, "You're healed…you were on death's doorstep less than an hour ago…"

I nodded, "Somebody knows healing magic, unfortunately they're gone now. Can you check on Happy for us? He just got attacked by a school of piranha."

Virgo's head snapped around and her gaze zeroed in on Happy, "Oh my stars! Quick let me see him!"

A brief flash of reluctance to let Happy out of his arms flashed across Natsu's face but then he gently handed Happy to Virgo. Virgo knelt and rested Happy on her knees, quickly and efficiently checking every inch of him, confusion growing on her face. "That's incredible," she declared after a moment, "A school of piranha can strip an animal twice Happy's size down to nothing but a skeleton in minutes, but the only sign of Happy having been attacked is that he's missing a lot of fur!"

"So he's alright?!" Natsu demanded.

Virgo pried one of Happy's eyes open and looked at it, "He's out cold, and probably very traumatized by his favorite food trying to eat him, but yes, he appears to be completely unharmed aside from his fur being mostly torn off. He's probably going to be sensitive to the touch for a few days, but it looks like none of the bites actually managed to penetrate his skin. Basically, all they managed to do was pull all his fur out and pinch him really hard on basically every inch of skin he has. He's very lucky, I've seen things far bigger than he is killed by piranha in minutes."

"Happy's tougher than that," Natsu declared.

Virgo nodded, "Yes, he's certainly durable to be walking away from this unscathed." Then she looked around, "I take it nobody else stepped in?"

We did a quick head count just to make sure. Virgo nodded, "That's good. Please try to be careful, if nothing's changed since the last time I was here, the lands you're venturing into only get more dangerous from here."

"You've been this way before?" I asked in surprise.

Virgo nodded, "It was several hundred years ago, but one of my previous masters once came this way to retrieve Leo's key. Mattachu is the city of the Sun God Apollo, so Leo decided it was a great place to let his key land. A word of advice, don't summon any Celestial Spirits in Mattachu unless you're looking for a fight. They're probably still a bit angry at us after what happened last time."

All of us looked at her in surprise. Serena asked warily, "What, happened last time?"

Virgo chuckled, "Oh, you'll see what I did when you get there. Trust me, you can't miss it once you reach the city proper. I think they've managed to rebuild everything the others except for Aquarius did. It's really quite impressive what they did with Scorpio's sand. We didn't even realize it had that high a gold content."

Miguel spoke up after looking like he was racking his brains for a minute, "Wait, what do you mean they? The city was abandoned and in ruins!"

Virgo's only answer was a laugh, then she disappeared in a shower of gold dust.

I looked over at Miguel, "I think she means you missed something." It occurred to me that my personality might be rubbing off on Virgo, but then again maybe she was just enjoying herself?

…

…

That morning we took off again, only this time we went using my Card Car since Levy had actually admitted that maintaining her tank was severely taxing even with Blackout Mode. It was also pointed out that my Card Car was able to fly over unfavorable terrain instead of having to go around on top of being just plain faster. This led to the revelation that they'd actually gotten stuck in quicksand the day before and only managed to get out because Natsu had burned the slop dry and Gajeel had used his Iron Dragon Logs to push them out. I actually kinda hated that I'd missed that.

My Card Car had no such issues and we were able to simply glide along a few feet above the ground with my telepathy bulldozing any obstructions. Still though, "Sorry you all had to pick up my slack while I was out." I had to wonder, How many delays were they not telling me about?

"What are you talking about?" Lucy asked, "You took on both those guys from Alvarez, deflected the Etherion, TWICE, and from what Erza's told us you literally forced your body back together with magic after taking that awful beating to keep fighting. Don't forget, your wounds all opened back up after you passed out, we know exactly how bad you got pummeled."

"Not to mention coming up with the winning strategy against Wall and injuring Ajeel badly enough before we arrived to force their retreat," Erza mused, "His Rust magic is an absolute counter to virtually every weapon in my arsenal and all of Gajeel's magic, and it's doubtful that Natsu could've countered his Cold magic. Even with the Mildian Defense System assisting us, Wall would quite likely have killed us all if he hadn't had to retreat to save his partner's life."

"Wait a minute," Levy interrupted, "Did you just say Wall and Ajeel? As in Wall Icht the Machias and Ajeel Raml of Habarga? THAT'S WHO YOU WERE FIGHTING?!"

Erza and I nodded, "That's them."

Levy went ghostly pale as her soul did that little 'frightened circling' thing Juvia's had done on Galuna, "That explains so much…"

"It does?" Natsu asked curiously.

"Do you seriously mean that I am the only one who knows who those two are?!" Levy demanded as her color flashed back into her, "They're two of Alakitasia's WIZARD SAINTS!"

"You mean like Gramps?!" Natsu exclaimed.

"Like him but stronger!" Levy snapped, "Alakitasia's way bigger than Ishgar and their Wizard Saints are all supposed to be at least as strong as God Serena of the Ishgar Four!"

"Who's that?" Gajeel asked.

"How can you not know the strongest wizard on the continent?!" Serena demanded, "Even I know who that guy is!"

"GILDARTS?!" Natsu exclaimed in horror.

"No, not Gildarts," Erza replied, "Although Gildarts is probably on an equal footing with him."

"You know a guy who's as strong as God Serena?!" Serena demanded.

Erza nodded, "Gildarts isn't a Wizard Saint because he's too nomadic and well known for causing massive destruction by accident. That and his womanizing kind of put him out of the running, but if not for those he'd certainly be acknowledged as a Wizard Saint, and possibly the strongest of them all. I'm not sure if his power exceeds Master Makarov's, but even the Master admits that Gildarts is on at least equal footing with him."

"Master Jose would never have even considered pickin' a fight with Fairy Tail if he thought he'd have to go up against Gildarts," Gajeel added as he chewed on a piece of iron that he'd pulled from I had no idea where, "The only reason he considered it at all was because Gildarts had been MIA for three years. Even if we won, Gildarts going on a rampage would make it a pyrrhic victory at best. Nobody's dumb enough to try fighting that guy head on."

Levy and Erza both immediately shot glances at Natsu who looked like he was having trouble processing what Gajeel had just said. Then he exclaimed, "But I pick fights with Gildarts all the time!"

The rest of us looked at him in surprise, and then Gajeel, Lucy and I face palmed and muttered in unison, "Why does that not surprise me?"

"STOP THE CARD!" Miguel suddenly shouted. The card stopped. Everyone on it was a different matter. If I hadn't had an Archive screen across the front, we would've been eating dirt.

As is, "Whose face is buried in my ass?" I asked flatly from where I was stuck halfway through my Archive screen, not really wanting to look but morbidly curious.

"Wasn't my idea," Lucy replied as she pulled her face back blushing furiously.

I nodded, Could've been worse, and pulled myself back through the screen, "Now Miguel, what's got you so worked up? Miguel?"

"Under here," Miguel declared from the bottom of our pile of friends.

I sighed and started pulling people out of the pile, "Okay, everybody off the client! Off the client!" I levitated them with my telekinesis, leaving them hanging in whatever funny position I caught them in midair and was surprised when I found Happy actually looking at me blearily. He'd been unconscious since his run in with the piranha, "Hey Happy, you awake little guy?"

"I had the most horrible dream that the fishies were eating me," he declared.

"Wasn't a dream, that's why you have no fur. Use it as an excuse to cuddle up to Natsu until your fluff grows back," I replied bluntly. He'd have figured it out sooner or later.

Happy's eyes went wide and he immediately looked down at himself, "AAAH! DON'T LOOK!" With rather remarkable speed for someone who'd just recovered from a minor coma, he twisted free of my hands and shot under the back of Natsu's vest.

I sighed, "At least he's alright."

"What do you mean alright?!" Happy demanded, "I nearly got eaten by fish! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?! I'm a CAT! I'm supposed to eat fish, not the other way around! And to add insult to injury, now I'm naked until my fur grows back!"

"You survived an attack from a swarm of some of the most vicious predators nature's ever created," Serena replied dryly as she poked the Happy shaped lump under Natsu's vest, "And walked away from it with nothing but a scare and a haircut. In numbers like what was in that river, those little monsters can strip a human body down to nothing but bones in minutes. Most things do not survive encounters with those little monsters."

"As bad as they are though," Miguel interrupted, "They're nothing compared to what's over that next ridge."

…

…

It stretched on for miles, the abnormally verdant field of what looked an awful lot like daffodils. Regularly scattered across it were towering structures of red and black, the only sound that of faintly buzzing insect wings. The eerie stillness set my instinct blaring warnings. We'd been cruising through young trees for a while, but this was different.

Natsu sniffed, "What's that smell? It smells like matches."

"You see those towers? They're made of solid phosphorous and ash," Miguel explained quietly, "Those are Phosphor-mite hives."

"Phosphor-mites?"

"They're like termites except completely fire proof and they spit white phosphorous," Miguel explained, "Basically a cross between termites and fire dragons. If disturbed, they'll swarm and set the entire area on fire. The animals know not to intrude here because of the smell, so the Phosphor-mites are the only link in the food chain on this prairie aside from the grass and flowers, and it's allowed them to build those massive hives which go off like bombs if disturbed. When one goes, they all go."

"This marsh being the only place they live due to their dependence on those fire proof yellow flowers down there is probably the only reason they haven't quite literally burned half the world down," Miguel scowled, "I lost half my expedition party here because we didn't realize what those were until we'd drawn the ire of one of the hives. It was like the whole world was on fire. Just, fire. Fire, EVERYWHERE."

He paused for a second, his eyes a million miles away. He took a deep breath before continuing, "I can't express enough the sheer danger this area represents. We should definitely go far, far aroun…where's Natsu?"

…

…

…

In retrospect, we should've seen it coming.

…

…

…

"I'M GONNA EAT YOOOOOOU!"

This incredibly moronic shout was our cue to RUN. I opened a portal to a mile back in the direction we'd come and we raced through, realizing as I slammed the portal shut that it wasn't far enough because it felt like the flames were still only six inches behind us.

Three portals later and over a dozen miles later, we were clear of the heat, all panting and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Elric spoke first in an uncharacteristically rough voice, "I'll kill him. I'll fuckin' kill him."

"GET IN LINE," the rest of us snarled. Normally I'd have been shocked at hearing the generally mild mannered and dapper old man swear, but the situation more than merited it.

Lucy toppled over backwards to sit down and groaned, "I need a new partner… Natsu's gonna get me killed before I've been in Fairy Tail a full year at this rate…"

"How has he gotten dumber since we were kids?" Gajeel panted.

"Aye…" Happy agreed from where he'd caught onto Miguel.

"Now I remember why Natsu always works alone except for Happy," Levy declared, "Nobody but Happy can survive his screwups!"

"His heart's in the right place," Erza protested half-heartedly.

"His brain isn't," Serena snapped.

"Apparently that resides in his stomach," Miguel mused from where he had flopped down onto his front.

"Acid. That explains entirely too much about his behavior," I grumbled as I wiped the sweat off my brow, "We're over a dozen miles from that damn firestorm and it's still twenty degrees hotter than it was when we came through here half an hour ago."

"Can you do anything to put that fire out?" Erza asked.

I shook my head, "Ocean's out of range and that's about how much water I'd need to put that out. Anything else I could do would almost certainly kill Natsu in the process. Only thing we can do now is wait for it to die down or Natsu to finish eating all of it." I closed my eyes and reached out with my telepathy before shaking my head, "And he's running around too much for me to have any chance of not hitting him."

I sighed, "We can't leave without him, we portal jumped here, he won't be able to track us." I ignored Elric growling that that might be a good thing as he took a long drink from a hip flask that he'd pulled from I had no idea where, and turned my attention to more productive thoughts, "Hey Levy, you think you can help me set up a heat reducing perimeter spell? Just because we have to wait for that moron doesn't mean we have to roast while we do it."

Levy thought for a moment and then pulled a book out of her extradimensional pocket, "Yeah, gimme a second. Wanna make sure we draw these symbols right or we might end up making it worse."

…

…

Who makes a badass house of cards? I make a badass house of cards! Using magic cards helps of course, but still! Between that and Levy figuring out how to use the excess heat from outside to maintain the Solid Script furniture she made, it was almost like spending the night in a hotel. There was one fly in the ointment though. Everyone had headed up to bed on the second and third floors after dinner. Everyone except for Erza who was on the Solid Script: Couch waiting for Serena to get out of the shower that my portals and Levy's enchantments had managed to produce.

"What the hell?" I asked of nobody in particular as I looked around at my cards, my fifty-one cards, "Where's number fifty-two?" I didn't use my original fifty two for anything but weapons and transport, and now building a house of cards. I was too worried about messing up the enchantment on them, so I knew I hadn't given one away. What was possibly even more concerning though was that I couldn't sense it. I could sense every one of my cards, where they were, what size they were and how sturdy I'd made them, and I was growing increasingly sure that one was missing.

My head swiveled as I heard a muffled 'dammit!' from behind me and I found Erza trying way too hard to look innocent. It was kind of hilarious in its own way, seeing her fail so hard at looking innocent. It was like watching Monkey D. Luffy try to lie.

A twitchy thing that couldn't quite be called a grin squiggled its way across my face, "Erza, do you know what happened to number 52?"

Erza blushed as red as her hair, "Um…"

"Is it in your Requip Space?"

Erza's blush deepened, "M-maybe…"

I sighed, "Erza, why is my card in your Requip Space?"

"Well, um…" Erza twiddled her fingers and oh my god it was adorable to see the guild's disciplinarian looking like a little kid with her hand caught in the cookie jar. "Y-you have to promise not to be mad at me!" she demanded a moment later.

My expression fell into distinct unamusement, "Erza, did you disenchant my card?"

Erza's eyes went wide, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

My breath caught. That had been a complete shot in the dark. "WHY?!"

"Do you have any idea how cool those are?!" Erza exclaimed, "You can control them telekinetically and change their size and strength and channel your magic through them and do you know how hard it is to find weapons with enchantments that complex and it's better than anything in my arsenal for such a tiny power cost and I'm really sorry but I wanted to know how it works and I just wanted a peek so I took it while you were unconscious and I started looking at it and I pulled the enchantment out to look at it and it came off by accident but I learned how to do it and I was going to try it on one of my swords to make sure it worked before I put it back so that you wouldn't realize I had taken it and I'm really really sorry and you can hit me if you want to and I promise I'll put it back and I'm so so sorry I didn't ask first and…"

I leaned over her and looked her in the eye, "Erza." Erza's nervous geek-out babbling stopped mid-stream and I was surprised that she actually looked scared. I let the silence hang for a second and then, "There's a lot of interesting stuff in what you just said, and a lot of interesting things in your body language just now that honestly kind of worry me a little, but I'm going to preface these questions by telling you that while I am a little annoyed, I'm not angry."

All the tension went out of Erza, "You're not?"

"As for hitting you," I continued, "Not unless you're just into that, and even then, I'd much rather have a nice apology kiss. Unless you want to do both," I added, "in which case I can make another room and we can do all kinds of kinky stuff and Mira's going to be utterly delight...ed…" I trailed off as I remembered my hiatus with Mira, "Shit." My gaze slid off to the side, "Well that's a mood killer."

I sighed and sat down on the couch next to Erza, "Moving o…eh?" I once again found myself being pushed back onto my back and Erza straddling me. This time she went straight for Bunny Girl. Part of me wondered if maybe I shouldn't have told her how much I liked that. The rest of me screamed at that part to shut the hell up and enjoy.

"Well, I guess I owe you two apology kisses now don't I?" Erza murmured as she laid herself down on top of me and her hair blocked out the rest of the world behind scarlet curtains. Her lips met mine and I discovered that Erza had a gentle side, which was honestly the most shocking part of this aside from just how incredibly good she was at it. The fierce kiss on the train was obvious, anyone could guess that Erza would have a hot fierce kiss that would melt a man's brain. This slow gentle kiss? No, I don't think anybody who knew her would expect it.

We came up for air a moment or two later and Erza actually looked about as surprised as I felt. "We should stop," Erza declared after a moment, "We should stop right now…" Or we won't be able to, was the unspoken truth and we both knew it.

…

…

"Nah, by all means, keep going!" Serena instructed playfully from where she was leaning over the back of the couch grinning at us wrapped in nothing but a towel. We both blushed crimson as our gaze snapped to her, Erza immediately sitting up and inadvertently grinding our crotches together. "Or at least," Serena continued with her teasing grin only growing, "As long as I get to join in. I don't mind having two teddy bears to cuddle tonight."

I knew Serena was bold, but damn! That was Mirajane-level right there. Erza was so stunned that she couldn't come up with a response. Serena looked down at me with her teasing grin turning to a teasing pout, "Jerryyy, am I not enough for you? You're going to hurt my feelings."

"I was about to ask you the same question!" I retorted with a grin growing, "But the real question, is can both of us at the same time satisfy Erza?"

"Or can Erza satisfy both of us?" Serena corrected, "Or can you satisfy both of us? Can I possibly stack up to two amazing wizards?" Then she swung herself over the back of the couch and straddled my face, "Let's find out!"

I wasn't sure what she did, but Erza leaned (or more likely was yanked) forward and then scrabbled back, "M-MISS SERENA?!"

Erza didn't scrabble far enough back because a giggling Serena was able to pull her back so that she was almost in my lap again, "Come ooon…there's enough of both of us to go around!"

I think Erza backflipped off the end of the couch, "N-no, that's quite alrigh…how long have you all been watching?!"

Eh?!

Serena just started cackling as she sat back, and I'm still not sure if the results of that movement on my face were intentional or not, but right that particular instant I was a little more curious about who Erza was talking to.

"LEVY GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!"

"NEVAHHH!" Levy crowed as she took off up the stairs.

"TAKE COVER SHRIMP I'LL HOLD HER!" CLANG! WHAM! "What just happened?!"

"You just got clocked across the room by a redhead with a club as big as you are," Elric declared from somewhere off to the left, "More tea Lucy? Miguel?"

"Sure!" Lucy replied, "How's your snack Happy?"

"Not nearly as good as the show, which is saying something because this is delicious," Happy declared.

I'm honestly not sure what had me blushing more. The fact that apparently the entire team aside from Natsu had seen who knew how much of that very private moment with Erza, or the fact that they were all just sitting there while Serena was still just calmly sitting on my face wearing nothing but a towel which was not between her and my face. Then the sheer hilarity of it all hit me and I started grinning.

I stuck my tongue out and Serena was so surprised that she jumped off my face and landed in my lap. I sat up and pulled her into a hug as the others looked at us in surprise. I just laid my head on Serena's shoulder and laughed as she got comfortable.

I don't say it enough. I love my life.

…

…

After things had settled down a little and Erza got the camera away from Levy, apparently having completely forgotten that Levy knows Archive and can project images with crystal clarity as much as any camera, we all found ourselves sitting around in the 'living room' and an odd silence had fallen over us.

Serena had put some clothes on, which was good because I would've had a very tough time focusing on anything else if she hadn't, but now as the silence dragged out, I kinda wished I had something to focus on. Then an idea occurred to me, "I've got an idea. Something special that Lucy tells me none of you have ever gotten to see before."

Everyone turned to look at me and I grinned, "You know how lacrima-visions can record or broadcast things to be used for security systems, messages and things right?"

Levy perked up immediately, "Oh yeah! You're talking about movies right? Did you find a recording of one?"

"Movies?" Serena asked.

I nodded, "Where I'm from we use an equivalent of lacrima-visions to record plays, except we're not limited by the confines of a stage since we can carry the lacrima anywhere. So the play and actors can do a lot more because the only limits it has are where they can get and what they can pull off at least once. We can also make pictures that move and record that with voice over so we're not even limited by what the actors look like, just what they can sound like. It's a pretty huge industry back home because it blows traditional plays out of the water. No, I didn't find a recording, but thanks to Archive I basically am a recording. So, anybody wanna watch a movie?"

"How long is it?" Gajeel asked.

"Varies from movie to movie, but generally an hour and a half to two."

"I'm in!" Levy declared, "I wanna see this!"

"Well one interested party's enough for me," I replied, extending one hand towards the wall and conjuring an Archive Screen with a snap. A flick of my hand and something like a selection screen popped up with over a dozen titles.

Almost as soon as they showed up, Levy absolutely squealed with delight, "YOU HAVE A MOVIE OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST?! THAT ONE! THAT ONE!"

I blinked in surprise and then smiled, "I guess some stories are universal. Alright, any objections?"

Gajeel grunted, "Eh, I like that story alright."

I looked at them, Levy leaned up against Gajeel, and a mischievous smirk shot across my face, "Alright, hang on just a second." I closed my eyes and immediately began rearranging the necessary colors, lines and vocal patterns before popping my eyes back open with a grin, "Okay! Here we go!"

I dimmed the lights I had conjured throughout the house of cards and began projecting my modified version of the Disney classic.

It was almost odd hearing my own voice narrating the opening, but I knew what was coming was going to be so worth it. Then, right after the title screen dropped and faded off screen, as 'Belle' was revealed, I snapped the lights on for just an instant to catch Levy's expression.

Levy gawked at the screen, "H-b-b-wh-how?"

I chuckled, "Turns out it's not that hard to edit something within the confines of my own mind. That's not the original, but I figured since you were so excited about it…I can change it back if you'd…"

"NO! NO! This is amazing!" Levy exclaimed with her eyes riveted to her own image pasted onto the screen in the role of Belle.

I chuckled, "Alrighty then, on with the show!"

Everyone nearly flipped when they heard Natsu's voice coming out of Lumiere and Gray as Cogsworth, and I thought Gajeel was going to absolutely lose his mind when he saw himself edited in as The Beast. That merited another picture.

After the show ended, Erza looked over at me out the corner of her eye, "Was that me as the enchantress in the opening? And Mira as Mrs. Potts?"

I shrugged with a small smile, "Any objections?"

Erza blushed slightly, "No. I'm fine with that. Ah, in future versions, you might consider having Laxus as Gaston, that would be another perfect casting."

"Ah! And Freed could be LeFou!" Levy exclaimed, "He would totally sing like that if Laxus was feeling down!"

I made a mental note of the recommendations, along with another note to find out who Freed was.

"And Maurice looked kinda like Master," Lucy mused.

"YES," Levy declared, "If I'm playing Belle then Master should definitely be Maurice."

I nodded, "Anyone object to me showing this in public? I think it could make quite a fair bit of money and I'd be happy to distribute any proceeds to all featured. Proportional to their roles of course," I added.

"Did you make all this yourself?" Erza asked thoughtfully.

I shook my head, "No, but the company that did doesn't exist in this dimension or you'd have all known this movie the instant you saw the title."

"I suppose that is a good point," Erza mused, "It can't really be counted as stealing if it's someone who doesn't exist in this world."

I nodded, "Exactly. As far as I can tell, this dimension never had the opportunity to produce these songs and script, so it's free for the taking."

It was then that Miguel spoke up, "If you do decide to go public with this after we get back Jerry, please let me know. I'm certain I can book a theater."

I grinned, "You got it Miguel!" Just you wait Mira, this bad boy's gonna make good on his big talk yet!

…

…

Two days later, Natsu still wasn't back. Erza had woken up that morning very impatient to move on, and by mid morning she switched into a suit of red and orange armor that had nominal wings coming out of its back and was clearly modeled after a fire dragon. Her hair was instantly done up in pig tails and there was a very nice few inches of her thighs on display through the gaps in the armor that also nicely left her shoulders and a fair deal of her back open.

"Jerry, you come with me. Lucy, Levy, Gajeel, stay here and protect the clients," Erza instructed brusquely before heading out the door.

As we walked back towards where Natsu had ignited the Phosphor-mite fields, I had to ask, "Hey Erza, why's that armor leave your back and shoulders open like that? I mean, it looks really good on you, but isn't that kind of a glaring vulnerable point?"

Erza blinked and reached up to feel her shoulder as she glanced over it, "I suppose it is, but I try very hard to never turn my back on an opponent, and for an opponent who is significantly faster, I have my Flight Armor which increases my speed drastically. Besides, I reinforce my body with magic so that my skin is about as hard as steel. Only an opponent imbuing their weapon with magical power strong enough to surpass that can hurt me, and even then, it takes quite a blow to give me more than a scratch. Even most swords can't do much more than give me a bit of a knock. If I encounter a foe like that, then I have other armors I'd switch into much quicker than this Flame Empress armor which provide much more thorough protection. This is specialized for dealing with fire users, more specifically," her face fell into irritation, "Natsu."

Then she shook her head, "You're probably also wondering why I wanted to walk rather than fly or use your portals."

"I honestly figured it was so that you could have a level head when you found him or work yourself into a fury on the way," I admitted, "Whichever floats your boat more."

Erza looked at me in surprise, "Yes actually, that was my intent." Her eyes narrowed slightly, "You're not reading my mind are you?"

I raised an eyebrow, "Erza, it doesn't take a mind reader to guess what a friend is thinking. Even before I had magic, I could get inside people's heads and figure out what they were going to say or do. It's just part of who I am. Besides, it's exactly what I'd do in this situation." I looked ahead towards where we were heading, "Thank god we're not a military outfit. He'd be guilty of probably half a dozen charges over that stunt if we were. It would definitely be the last straw on getting him kicked out. Of course," I added, "He'd also probably have been stuck doing nothing but peeling potatoes in the brig or something for six months if he wasn't drummed out or chucked in jail after Galuna."

Erza looked at me in mild horror and then she was quiet for a moment, "Yes, I suppose you're right. I don't want this to be something that gets him kicked out of Fairy Tail, he's like a little brother to me, but…that stunt with the Galuna Island job almost did get him kicked out. If he hadn't been with the guild so long, it definitely would have, and now I'm supposed to be supervising his punishment but so far it's been completely smooth sailing and hasn't been like a normal S-Class job at all, let alone what I would've expected a decade quest to be like! Then he goes off and pulls a stunt like this and nearly gets our clients killed and all of us badly hurt just by being a reckless idiot. I…" she took a deep breath, "I can't ask Levy about this, or Gajeel, they're both biased in his favor because they both see him as a brother like I do. Serena, Elric and Miguel don't know how the Guild works, so I can't ask them. Lucy is still absolutely furious with him for conning her into being his accomplice on the Galuna Island job and would probably advocate for the harshest punishment I could dish out. I know Natsu absolutely adores her, I haven't seen him act like this around a girl since Lisanna died, but I don't think Lucy sees him in even remotely the same light and I think he's setting himself up for failure. Especially after Galuna, so you're the only person I can talk to about this. I'm, going to bank on your reaction to the Galuna stunt and hope that you can be objective about this."

I sighed, "Don't let me forget to ask who the heck Lisanna is because this is the first I've heard about her," Erza looked at me in surprise as I pulled the brim of my hat down with a thoughtful frown, "But as for Natsu…" I took a deep breath, "Honestly, I wanna kick his ass. I…he's my friend, the second one I made in Earthland. He's a member of my team even if he hasn't been acting like it recently."

I sighed, "He's also a reckless dumbass whose actions nearly got Gray killed, nearly got Serena, Lucy, Miguel, Elric and possibly even Levy, you, me and Gajeel killed. I think Happy might've been alright given that from what I've heard he's nearly indestructible, but it still has to be considered that he's recovering from a piranha attack and I don't know how much his fur contributes to his apparent resilience, so it might've hurt Happy too."

I thought for a moment, "His actions also directly led to us being able to save Ms. Ur, averted a guild war with Phantom Lord, got Juvia and Gajeel to join Fairy Tail, and led to Master Precht coming to visit the guild for the first time in who knows how long, along with all the benefits resultant of that." I sighed again, "It's also true that if he hadn't done what he did, we wouldn't be on this quest right now standing to gain an utterly obscene amount of money depending on what we bring home with us from Mattachu. If we're talking strictly about results, then Natsu's complete and utter boneheaded actions are netting us nothing but gains. I don't know if he's some kind of good luck magnet or what, but thus far none of his actions that have led us to this point have actually gotten anyone hurt or set us back in anyway. He's come horrifyingly close, but if we go by no harm no foul, then he's actually completely in the clear."

I scratched my head, "That said, clearly the Master was not thinking 'no harm no foul' when he assigned this punishment. If we look at it the same way as him putting Gray directly at risk of drowning, then this would be the stunt that got him kicked out of Fairy Tail, because without my portals we would've all fried." Then something popped into my head and dread filled my gut, "Although, there is one thing to consider that I just remembered."

"What's that?" Erza asked in an emotionally worn out voice.

"This one may have blown up in his face pretty hard on its own," I declared as I started jogging, "And I don't mean combustively!"

"What are you talking about?!" Erza demanded as my jog turned into a dead run, "Is he in danger?!"

"I just remembered! White Phosporous is deadly poison!"

…

…

"Oh god Natsu…" I groaned as I looked him over, "What the hell did you do to yourself?!"

Natsu was not in good condition. He had apparently managed to get out of the Phosphor-mite field, but he'd found out about the phosphorus the hard way. He was passed out, he had what looked an awful lot like blood and stool stains all over his pants, his skin was covered in sick yellow chemical burns, he had quite a bit of blood on his chest and chin, and his lips were still a bit blue from what I suspected was oxygen deprivation.

I immediately dropped to one knee and started searching for a pulse, Shit, shit, shit…come on Natsu, don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead… I breathed a sigh of relief when I felt his pulse going slow but steady. "He's alive, we need to get him back to the others. Maybe Levy knows something that can help with this."

"Let's go," Erza declared with her voice sharpened by worry.

…

…

It was almost four hours before we got Natsu pulled back from death's doorstep, and it took every shred of Levy, Elric and Virgo's medical knowledge and some of my improvised telekinetic 'healing' to do it. (Turns out Elric's a very well-trained medic. Who knew?) Even once he was stable, things didn't look good for him.

"He's got chemical burns on every bit of him that was exposed, including his eyes. His kidneys and liver almost shut completely down. If his mouth and what I can see of his throat are anything to go by, he's probably got those same burns all the way through his digestive tract and it probably looks like a cattle stampede went through it," Elric listed as he sat down and reached for the water, "On top of that, his airways are for lack of a better term scorched, his sinuses are full of blood, and it looks like he almost suffocated. I don't know who dragged him out of there, but beyond any shadow of a doubt he owes them his life."

The rest of us looked up in surprise. "Someone dragged him out?" Erza asked.

Elric nodded, "He's got faint bruises under his armpits where their fingers dug in dragging him. Like I said, whoever his guardian angel is, he owes them a big thank you. I don't know the range of your teleportation Jerry, but if you can send him back to Fiore for medical attention, he's not out of the woods yet. I'm pretty good, and Virgo's as good as anybody I've ever met, but Natsu belongs in a doctor's intensive and constant care right now. I'm amazed he's still alive at all. Any normal person, even most wizards would've been-"

He was interrupted by a howl of wind and cold erupting out of the room where Natsu was. It was like some sort of reverse Natsu had woken up. Elric's head snapped up and around, "What the hell just happened to my patient?" He leapt to his feet and ran for the room where Natsu was still laid out on the table.

Or at least, he was supposed to still be laid out on the table. Instead he was sitting up with his burns drastically reduced, his eyes healed and apparently well enough to look severely freaked out. He still looked like he'd been dunked in acid, but he looked worlds better than he had. It's worth noting that he also had a very impressive pair of handprints emblazoned on either side of his face.

He looked at us and then, "Does anyone else feel like they just got slapped a bunch and called a dumbass like fifty times in a row?"

Erza punched him across the room and proceeded to jump on him screaming, crying and smacking the hell out of him while calling him a dumbass a hundred more times in a row and demanding that he never ever do something so reckless and stupid again.

I didn't stick around for it, seeing Erza like that was not easy, and I had something I needed to say. I stepped outside and threw my telepathy as far as I could to try and find her. Healing me had been one thing, I hadn't been in nearly as bad a shape as Natsu. This could not go without thanks. It took me a second, but I found her. She was a few miles away on top of a ridge. I guess she had underestimated my range.

I opened a portal and flicked a Calling Card through at her before picking up its counterpart as I felt her pick up the card, "I don't know who you are, why you're helping us, or why you're hiding, but thank you. Thank you so much. If you ever get tired of hiding and want to join us, or even if you just want to talk, you will be more than welcome. You've saved my friend's life and mine as well. If you ever need help, please don't hesitate to ask."

There was no reply, but given the lengths she'd been going to in order to avoid being seen, I wasn't expecting any.

...

...

Next Time on Mad Little Slice of Heaven...

...

"Hey Jerry? You still awake?"

I almost didn't recognize Natsu's voice. He was actually being quiet and he sounded…sad? I sat up and gently pulsed my sleeping magic to make sure everyone else was asleep, "Yeah, what's up?"

Natsu was quiet for a moment and then, "Is everyone else asleep?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I just zonked 'em all. What's up?" He wouldn't have checked to see if everyone else was asleep if he just needed to pee.

"I really fucked up didn't I?" Natsu asked quietly.