Log One

Why? Why am I like this? Why do I always wanna do something bad or hurt other people? I mean sure I hold back from actually doing it but there's a big part of me that wants to do it once, just once, to see what it's really like. What will they say and how will they react? Will they scream in agony, or will their mouth be covered so that no one could hear their screams, or will we go to somewhere secluded where it didn't matter if they screamed at the top of their lungs? Do you see what I mean now? There is something very wrong with me but at least I know that so maybe that won't make it seem as bad… right? I would love to be able to go to someone to talk about this but you can't exactly go to someone about your thoughts about murder and just act like it's normal small talk because then you'll be treated as someone who needs help and I know that i'm perfectly sane besides the fact that I wanna know what it's like to squeeze the life out of someone. My family life probably doesn't help either, it's always calm for maybe about an hour into getting home before it becomes a yelling match between my grandma and anyone who is her unfortunate target for the day. It's been my 183rd day of being her yelling match buddy? I don't even try to talk to her when she's like that anymore because what's the point of trying to reason with something that can't seem to stick its own head out of its ass. I have found that smoking helps well not cigarettes at least, I personally stick with Mary Jane and it helps make life bearable.