It’s broken and it can’t be fixed

We had been married for 16 years and I had realized it wasn't a marriage. There was nothing to signify our love, our unity, and commitment to each other.

I had stopped wearing my ring and you had never worn yours. There was a moment where I thought you would say something, but like always you never did.

Maybe it was when you made me feel worthless, or when you would ignore me because you were too engrossed on the phone. I was a second thought - no - I wasn't even a thought on your mind, I was far away and didn't exist unless you needed something. Always ridiculed my every move, called me a horrible mother and made me seem like the worst person to exist but that wasn't the case it was you. If our children didn't have a mind of their own they would have believed I was the villain.

Spouted lies back and forth between yourself and the children. Got mad at me when I had something wrong or when I didn't meet your standards, the only problem was you there was no reason to get angry, yet you yelled.

We could never agree on anything, you never liked what I did and it upset me but I could never voice that out, I had to bottle it up because if I showed how much it upset me in turn you would get angry. There was no reason for you to be angry - it was supposed to be me - but like always you made it about you.

My least favorite things in the world are when you would talk to me yet it was all about criticizing me. You would tell me things like, I shouldn't be doing this, the way our children are is because of me, you would pin it on me, everything. Every single thing was my fault in your book. Because of you my least favorite phrase in the world is, "you have to understand the reality".

You ruined everything and I can't fix it. There was no love, we lived together with our children but there was no 'us' there was two adults living with children. We were friends not a married couple. I don't know when it changed perhaps it had to do with the infidelity.

It seemed as if I was there to fill in the house worker field, not the wife and love field I assumed I was going to do. It seemed as someone else had beaten me to it even though I was there beforehand . It had hurt a lot in the beginning but now that I realized just how horrible you were I could not be more glad.

There was nothing about us, we were a broken marriage. We were friends who had decided to have children it seemed. I hated how you treated me, I hated how I felt and I hated how I could never stand up to you. Each and every day was harder than the last, I could never do anything against you. I was stuck, I was paralyzed with shock and cowardice.

Even now as I'm writing this you're calling me, I can never hope to leave because you will always be there. I can only hope and wish that one day I can refer to you as the past and not my present.