Cigarettes and Jealousy

I looked up at the ceiling, I've been doing it a lot lately, there isn't any particular reason. Maybe it's because that's how I wake up from LSO? Maybe it's because I'm thinking of her… up there… Maybe it's because I don't want her to be. Maybe it's because I want her to be blind to my actions, the person I've become. I'm sure I'd disgust her. I never thought I could think of anyone else this way… I never thought I could feel the same or that I could have the same fear. The fear that when she sees me she sees a demon, or something worse. Why do I feel so exposed and scared when she looks at me? How could I feel like this again. I always figured it was different. That your first love was supposed to feel that way, it was a special love that could belong to no other… So why does my heart skip the same way when she says my name?

I climbed out of bed, my body dragging itself inside the kitchen. I walked over to the fridge, my pale body covered only by a shirt and some pajama bottoms. As I pulled open the fridge the bottles clinked and knocked each liquid swirling around the glass.

Most times I walk out I don't need a drink I just stare blankly at the cold illuminated cupboard. Then I picked out an energy and closed the fridge walking back into the darkness of my cave. But before I could get inside there was a banging on the door. I stepped out onto the cool floor, my feet spreading out as I stepped down. I opened the door, my body filling the entrance.

"Hey."

"You again?"

"Wow, speaking with such compassion?"

Before me was Raphe, Ellie's dad. His scruffy black hair blocking out the sky, his smile looking down on me like I'm still eleven.

"What do you want?"

"I want many things, Ellie, your mom you'll have to be more specific"

I sighed and began to shut the door leaving him out in the cold, wet night. Before the door could close he jammed his hand in the door and pulled it back open.

"Alright alright you made your point, I actually want to talk to you"

"Then that's even easier."

I shut the door again, slamming the wooden rectangle and walking away.

It's two in the morning, I should sleep, I had a long day. I have school tomorrow, so there are many reasons to sleep, but a small part of me, yearning in the back of my mind, wants to dive back in. I want to fall back to that world. I lay back down on my bed, the moonlight filtering into my room and dancing across the cracked ceiling. Each flake of paint is a memory. Why are they following me? I should be free. But in the end I can't leave her, I can't leave her rest.

They never found her body, apparently she stuffed rocks into her pockets and was carried along to rest at the bottom of the lake. The police could never find her. I wish just once I could've made her smile like she did on that bridge.

Oh well, there's nothing I could've done… I just need to live for her. I need to survive in this town, and then I'll break free I'll jump into a new world. Maybe I'll even move to a different country. I just want to fly away. To run and escape. There are so many chains holding me but every part of me wants to break free, I suppose that's why I love LSO so much it takes running away to a new level giving me power I could never have in my normal life. It gives me the chance to be a hero and the chance to escape into a fantasy of who I could be. Who I should be.

I woke up my body heaving out of the rivers of sweat that tied down my body. I had the same dream, the same tale of love and death. The one person I loved over any falling just out of reach. I still blame him for some of it. The guy who grabbed me. The one who tore me from my eternal love, the one who pulled me away from my eternal slumber and escape. I blame him in place of myself. I try to tell myself that there was nothing I could've done but die with her. In truth, I know it's all my fault, the death was deemed a tragedy, but everyone knows why she did it, it was in her note.

I pulled on my blazer feeling bare and empty without my warm and cozy hoodie. Then I set out of the house, the cold air was blowing behind me pushing the lingering water and bitter air. My hands tensed at the touch. My cheeks started to go red, and my breath unfolded before me.

"Hey Charlie!!"

"Hey Psye, I didn't know you needed to go this way."

"I don't"

"Then why?"

"He he, that'll be my secret."

"Also you can call me Lee. Everybody else does."

"Well then Lee" I winced at the sound of it like someone was stabbing at my heart. "What did you think of them?"

"A little strange but they seem nice."

"Haha they remind me of you."

"I'll take that as a complement."

We walked the rest of the way in the cold of the morning, the grass still covered with a crisp layer of due that cracked underfoot. The cold made my body slow and numb.

When we reached the gates the school bully Lev was waiting for me.

He saw me with Psye and anger shot through his system, his eyes burning with rage.

The day went by quickly, and soon it was the last period. It was English again but yesterday our teacher was absent so today was our first official lesson. It was a bore and meeting a new teacher is always a chore.

The man walked in, sliding the door away and slamming his books on the desk.

His hair was so familiar, the way it gently curled out and fell down to his neck.

His eyes were so familiar, the red pupils filled with compassion and honesty, the black flecks dotting the eyes.

His body was so familiar, the broad shoulders and handsome face that looked down with such ease, the thin glasses and light glasses that rested on his nose.

My eyes widened.

IT'S HIM!!!!!

I stood up, my eyes wide and filled with hatred. I slammed my fist into my desk and then ran out of the room slamming the door behind me. Running down the corridor, my arms reaching out and grabbing as if I was pulling the world around me trying to desperately escape. Running like hell, my body burning and breaking as I charged across the school. I charged up the stairs breaking through the door and onto the roof. Then I staggered to the end of the roof, my body growing weak and dropping to the ground and resting on a railing. I waited for my heart beat to go down and the rage to subside.

If I had stayed in that room for a second longer I'd have beat the shit out of him. The bastard who pulled me from that bridge, the son of a bitch who saved my life.

"I don't remember you. Have we met?"

"Why follow me?"

"Because you looked at me with such rage I figured you hated me."

"You'd be correct."

"I don't think I've seen that much hatred other than… oh well are you the kid that tried to jump."

"And you're the one who forced me to live in a world without the one I love."

"Hmm I never saw it from that perspective" the teacher walked over to the railing pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one as he leaned over the railing.

"So why'd you try?"

"Try what?"

"To kill yourself"

"Because without her life is pointless."

"Hmm I really come off as a bad guy."

"No it's my fault, I couldn't help her. I still hate you though."

"Fair enough. Sadly I don't know your pain, I've never experienced love myself."

"Well if you do imagine me making you live out the rest of your life without them, and then you'll have some idea of just how much I hate you."

"Haha you really hate me, that's new. I've had people dislike me but actively hating me is new."

I pushed off the railing heading back down the stairs.

"Are you going back to my class?"

"Gotta nap someplace."

I waved back at him, he seems like a decent guy, he seems nice but to me he will always be the man who stole me from her. The one who pulled me from her arms.

The class sped by especially when I was asleep. Then I walked out of the school. As I crossed past the gates two kids grabbed my arms dragging me behind a building and driving me into a wall.

"Lee what about don't talk to her don't you understand?"

"The part when…" He drove his fist into my stomach, the man before me was Lev, my old friend, to the side were his lackeys pinning my hands to the concrete wall driving the chipped wall into my skin, blood dripping down from my wrists.

"Rhetorical question." He drove his fist into my stomach again, the pain flooding through my body. Then he tapped the packet of cigarettes, a small tube falling into his hands and then lifted into his mouth. He sparked a flame and the smoke drifted into the air.

"You see Lee, what you don't get is you need to have respect." he drove his foot into my chest, grinding his heel into my stomach and making blood spurt from my mouth trailing down my mouth. "It's severely lacking in the youth of today and evidently in you too. That's what you lost after you quit the team," he punched me in the face, his knuckles cutting into my cheek and hitting my head like a freight train. "When we were younger we all followed you because you were better than us all, better grades and stronger, you also had more fun doing things that everyone wanted to do. That's why we loved you, why Kate and Ella loved you." he drove his foot into my leg, the kick sending stabs of pain through my body. "But now you are so detached from everyone that you see yourself as a god. Which is why everyone hates you. You lost the respect and the light you once had, you lost the ability to be part of a team to have friends, so I tell you what. Every day, I'll kick and punch you until you regain that light, or maybe you'll kill yourself like poor Ells did?"

The name sent shockwaves through my skull. Instead of hate it was a feeling of acceptance, I pulled my hands from the wall, the kids trying desperately to hold me back, but they had no success. I tensed my hands punching both of them in the face, their bodies dropping to the floor. Then I walked towards Lev. His face was stricken with shock as he tensed up. I pulled myself up, looming over him. I drove my fist into his chest, so he bent over, then knocked the cigarettes from his hand. fitting one in my mouth and I brought his face close to mine, pulling his pierced mouth close to mine and touching the cigarette to his.

"Say her name again, and I'll kill you. Got it?"

Then stealing the rest of the packet I walked off back home, my footsteps labored and broken as I gripped my bruises and wiped the blood from my mouth.

Why am I filled with so much hate?

Why are all these feelings being awakened?

What's happening to me? And why do I like it?

Ella I want to see you, I want to hold you, but will you wait? will you wait for me to become great in your name? Will you still love the me that I am now?