Chapter 176 - Words Between Women

For several moments, Feng Xi sat stunned, her eyes staring deep into the pleading face of Alchemist Ma Xiaohua. Now that the other woman had put words to her desire, it was easy for Feng Xi to parse the different chords that composed the melody the other woman's heart sang. Warmth, affection, apprehension, self doubt, fear, desire, all of those and more mingled into a song of a moment of utter vulnerability and near helplessness with the faintest thread of hope. 

"You can't," Feng Xi said softly, not realizing she'd spoken until she saw the other woman's face begin to crumble in pain. "No, wait, listen, that's not exactly what I meant," she said in a rush. "Look, for a moment, put the pill away and let's talk. I'm," Feng Xi hesitated, choosing her words with care. "I'm not accepting your gift but I'm not declining it either. It's not appropriate right now. I accept your sincerity and feelings," she reassured the other woman. "But there's too much you don't know, and too much I don't know, and I'm not even sure that I can explain everything to you so for right now, let's take a few steps back and talk, okay?"

"I understand," Ma Xiaohua said, putting the pill away and slumping back into the bed. "I apologize. I shouldn't have been so forward. You're right that we barely know each other and I shouldn't place this kind of pressure on you when you two aren't even married yet. I just want you to know, I know I'm unworthy of the kind of love he clearly has for you and even if you aren't married yet, I won't attempt to take the position of first wife from you. It's enough to just be close."

"See, that's why we need to stop for a moment," Feng Xi said, her own heart thrown into a turbulent storm. "I, I'm not Wen's first wife either. Big Sister Qi Yue was very clear that she's the only one who could call herself such and the love she has for Wen… it makes me feel unworthy," she confessed. "That's why, I don't know how to respond to you right now and I don't know how to respond to your feelings."

"I should have known someone so extraordinary would have many women," the older woman said bitterly. "Then, are you second? Third? How many others already have a place in his heart?"

"I don't know," Feng Xi said, feeling incredibly vulnerable. "Everyone else is so far away as to be unreachable. Big Sister Yue told me that this was my time to have Wen to myself," she said honestly. "So, part of me wants to be very selfish right now because I know eventually I'll have to share once we find our way to the others. Another part of me," she said with a heavy sigh. "Another part of me feels like I don't have the right to decide whether or not Wen finds other loves here. If I could, I'd have Big Sister talk to you instead, but she's too far away and impossible to reach." 

"I see," Ma Xiaohua said, imagining an even more radiant woman in some distant grand sect that Ao Wen was a member of. "May I ask, how long have you and Lord Ao been together?" 

"We've known each other since we were children," Feng Xi said with a smile. "Things only changed between us recently though. But let me return the conversation to you for a moment," she said, not wanting to wander into questions that would force her to explain more about Ao Wen than her lover might wish her to divulge. "When I said 'you can't' earlier, I meant that you can't approach Wen in the state that you're in. Right now, you're frazzled, raw, vulnerable, hunted, and Wen is providing safety, security, kindness that you've been denied and so many other things. I understand why you would fall deeply in love with that kind of treatment, but you have to understand that part of what you're experiencing is the gap between your own deep wounds and how poorly you feel about yourself versus the way that Wen regards you," she explained. "If you hadn't been pushed so far down by Lord White, you might not feel so deeply towards Wen."

"I think there's some truth in that," the older woman admitted. "But please also understand that I'm old enough to have met many people and when I say that Lord Ao is the most extraordinary man I've ever met, it's not because I lived my whole life in this small city and never had the opportunity to see other exceptional men. I actually grew up in Red Moon City where I studied as an Alchemy Initiate and as a Novice. I didn't come to Lantern City until I became an Independent Alchemist when the Alchemy Consortium assigned me here. I've even seen the talented prodigies from the mainland when they visit Red Moon City but none of them hold a candle to Lord Ao's brilliance," she said with heartfelt honesty. 

"I won't deny that Wen is extraordinary," Feng Xi said. "Part of me wonders just how many people will fall the way you have. Instantly and deeply. Maybe you should talk to Brother Bai, he seems to be coming out of his infatuation now that we've been in Lantern City for a bit." 

"I, I never imagined that," Xiaohua stammered. "Does Lord Ao have any interest in men?"

"Not that I'm aware of," Feng Xi said with a smile. "Not that there aren't plenty of women chasing after Wen either. Look, I've never been in this position," Feng Xi said genuinely. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I don't entirely feel right acting as some kind of gatekeeper when you're being so open and vulnerable with your feelings right now. Still, it's very sudden and we really barely know each other. Right now, Wen is studying the manual and trying to figure out what to do next, whether we can help you with things or not. While Wen is busy with that, let me help you get cleaned up and then we can take a trip into town for something to eat. We can spend some time, just the two of us, getting to know each other. At the very least, perhaps we can become friends," she said, standing up and extending a hand to the older woman. "Assuming that friendship is something you're open to."

"I'd like that," Xiaohua said, taking Feng Xi's hand and standing with a faint smile of her own. "It's been a long time since I've had a good friend."