The Church & Murder Wizards

I woke up with a pounding headache for the first time in centuries. I didn't know whether I should have been happy that I felt the after effects of alcohol again, or to be worried, since I don't remember anything after we had pulled off the mead heist. 

I felt a weight shift on my chest and I looked down just as Natasha began to stir with a soft groan. Before I could ask her how she was feeling I felt another person move, this time from my crotch area. 

"Ughh, what time is it?" The very familiar voice asked. 

Natasha's eyes snapped open and she looked at the slowly rising tent in the sheets. The blanket finally fell away and revealed a disheveled head of blonde hair. Yelena looked at Natasha and I with a confused expression. 

"What? Do I have something on my face?" 

"What are you doing here?" Natasha asked heatedly. 

"Ow…" 

I closed my eyes and groaned as another voice joined the mix. I looked to my other side and spotted a head of raven hair. Thalia rubbed her eyes and looked around. She finally realized where she was and a furious blush erupted on her face. 

"Oh gods, OH GODS! I slept wit-

The former demigoddess slumped back into the bed apparently fainting from the shock. Natasha and Yelena turned at me with matching glares. 

"She's eighteen right?" I groaned. 

The three girls blinked at me without saying a word.

[Scene Break]

I flashed into the Vatican along with the other Seraph much to the surprise of the priests gathered in the church. Gabriel gave me a worried look as I pinched the bridge of my nose and adjusted my sunglasses. 

"Lord Michael! I- you should have sent us word you were visiting. We would have prepared a welcoming committee." A priest in ornate robes exclaimed. 

Michael remained silent and glanced at me for instruction. I motioned with my head, I didn't want to speak yet. My throat was still a bit parched from the hangover and my head still felt like it was packed full of cotton. 

"Lord Michael? What is it? Who is this man, a new recruit perhaps?" Another priest added. 

I chuckled darkly and raised a hand, getting ready to smite the priest when Michael jumped in front of me. I lowered my hand and scoffed before Gabriel grabbed my arm and led me to a seat. Ophis followed close behind me drawing the attention of the priests who sneered at her presumably for the way she was dressed. 

'If only the fools knew who she really was.' I mused silently. 

I sat down on a plush chair meant for the pope and smirked at the obvious outrage that the priests barely concealed. Michael was still speaking to them in hushed tones, the other Seraph had taken positions around us getting ready in the case that shit would hit the fan. 

I tuned out of the conversation that the priest and Michael were having. They were talking about numbers and other mind numbing details. I figured that I'd jump in the second they got to talking about Excalibur. Ophis hopped onto my lap and began to munch on a box of cinnamon buns she pulled out of nowhere. Gabriel tugged at my sleeve drawing my attention. 

"What will you do Daddy?" She asked in a quiet tone. 

I coughed lightly to clear my throat, "That depends entirely on the people here. If they're as rotten as the ones who participated in that Holy Sword nonsense, I will smite them, if not I'll have you and your brothers handle them." 

"Handle them how?" 

"Well, you could see if they truly want to help their fellow men and women or if they only seek to use my name to further their own goals. If that's the case then I'll leave their punishments up to you." 

"Why not deal with them yourself as well?" 

"Because Godric, Helga, Salazar, and Rowena need to experience this as Seraph. This will be their first foray into the human world and the mortal side of our faction. Had that not been the case I would have handled this myself." 

"I sense someone coming." Ophis said through a mouthful of cinnamon bun. 

The large doors of Saint Peter's Basilica swung open and in marched a group of exorcists led by a woman I was unfamiliar with. Though judging by the reaction of the priests, she must have been some big shot. 

"Sister Griselda, what are you doing here?" The priest looked shocked at the warrior nun's appearance. 

The sword master ignored the man and bowed to Michael. I hummed in surprise while eyeing the two others. 

'Blue haired chick and the twin tailed blonde, Xenovia and Irene or something.' I thought to myself. 

I vaguely remembered something about them from my old memories. Unfortunately I was drawing a blank on their importance or their significance to the story. Griselda spoke to Michael who then turned to me and nodded. 

"Lord Michael? Who is this man?" 

I fought the rise of indignation at not having been acknowledged beforehand and smiled kindly at the woman. Before I could introduce myself, Gabriel butted in. 

"Daddy, are you thinking mean things about Sister Griselda?" 

I felt my eyebrow twitch, "Not at all Gabriel, why don't you take Ophis and find some treats." I handed her my wallet before turning back to the now shocked church members. 

"D-daddy? As in- 

"Yes yes, it's me," I rolled my eyes, "as I believe, you lot in the upper ranks were told of a secret?" 

"Yes, uh- my Lord. We were told that you had perished." 

Xenovia and the blonde looked shocked, they were about to say something but a priest interrupted. 

"No! Lies! You can not be God." 

I turned to Michael with a raised eyebrow, the Seraph gave me an apologetic smile. Sighing loudly I turned to the priest who had spoken. It didn't take long for me to breach his mind's shitty defenses and get a read on his memories. 

"Luciano Francesco, loyal servant to the church… that is until you joined with Kokabiel." I ended with a scoff. 

"W-what?! Lies! Lord Michael, strike down this blasphemer!" 

I turned to Michael, "See what I mean son? Even if I tell them the truth, they are too blind to see it for themselves." 

The traitorous priest screamed and rushed at me with a knife he had taken out of his robes. Only to be blasted back when I opened my wings and swatted him away. 

Griselda and her compassions looked at my golden wings in awe. 

"I-it's really you?" 

"Yes it is, now Michael can we get to the point of why we came here?" 

Michael gave me a sheepish look and turned to Griselda, "Sister Griselda, have you heard of the Holy Sword project?" 

[Scene Break]

After a lengthy explanation between Michael and the exorcists the priests finally relented and agreed to lead us to the now abandoned laboratories that handled the project. Ophis and Gabriel had yet to return but I wasn't worried. Between the two, not much could stand in the way of threatening them. 

"Uriel, are they leading us to the right place?" I asked the Seraph. 

"Yes father, so fat they have not deviated from the course." 

I glanced over to the 'guides' that the church provided us and sighed silently. My Seraph didn't seem to notice it since the exorcists hid it well, but I could sense their traitorous natures. Griselda and her two trainees didn't seem to notice either but I could chalk that up to inexperience or naivety. 

"They're planning something, keep your guards up. Michael, once they start whatever they're planning, teleport out and secure the priests that we spoke with earlier. Uriel, you are to protect Griselda and her two companions. Raphael, secure the perimeter around the church. Everyone else, act like whatever they plan to do is working. I have no doubt they're planning to 'subdue' everyone somehow." 

I mentally sent out commands, a brief glance showed me that my Seraph had acknowledged their orders. I hummed quietly while counting down in my head. It didn't take long for the traitorous exorcists to enact their plan.

The second we reached the lab, bright lights turned on and attempted to blind everyone. Magic washed over the room. I could feel whatever it was, trying to influence my thoughts. The angels around me seemed to also notice the intrusion. 

"Michael, take everyone home. I'll deal with this alone." I growled. 

Michael nodded with wide eyes before flashing away with everyone. The exorcists stared at me in shock, they must have put up barriers to prevent teleportation. Unfortunately for them I had taught all of Heaven different means of instantaneous travel. 

I fought to reign in my slowly building rage and indignation at the attack on my party. Taking a calming breath I looked at each traitor slowly before speaking. 

"Before we start, do any of you want to leave?" 

"Silence heathen! We shall strike you down here for your crimes!"

"Crimes?" 

"You take our Gods name, you lie! We all know that God is dead." 

I sighed, "I guess I really can't escape stupid people." 

"W-what?!" 

I extended my wings and summoned my sword, the traitorous exorcists gulped. I could sense their hesitance building. 

"Last chance, it isn't too late to leave." 

I got an answer in the form of a dark haired exorcist screaming and lunging at me with a light sword. The other three pulled out chunky looking guns and shot beams of light at me. For a second I debated on letting them hit me, seeing that their weapons were made to hurt devils and would be harmless to me. Which brought up the question of why they even thought they could hurt me with light weapons in the first place. Then again, they weren't the brightest as evidenced by them attacking me. 

I blocked the sword and grabbed the exorcist by the throat. Using his body as a shield against the bolts of light, I threw him at another exorcist after he had so generously sacrificed his life to blocked the light bullets. 

The man I threw the dead exorcist screamed as he went down. I had thrown the exorcist I used as a shield harder than I had expected. 

The remaining two watched in horror as the body collided with the exorcist I threw the corpse at. The two bodies practically exploded into a gory mess showering the surviving two exorcists in blood. 

I raised my wings to shield myself from the blood and gore, the crimson liquid sizzling as it touched my wings. I set my sword ablaze and walked towards the two survivors. 

"Right then, the first one to talk gets to live." 

"Y-you'll never get anything from me you monste-

"I'll tell you everything I know just let me go." 

The two surviving exorcists shouted at the same time before turning to glare at each other. 

"YOU FUCKING TRAITOR I'LL KI- 

I didn't let him finish his all caps exclamation, I pointed my sword at him and turned him to ash with a concentrated burst of holy light. The remaining exorcist started hyperventilating while eyeing the spot his colleague had just been in. 

"I- uh, I-, p-please don't kill me." 

"Start talking." 

[Scene Break]

Being a benevolent god I spared the exorcist who talked. Of course, it didn't really matter when he died moments later due to an unfortunate explosion in the lab we were in. Who knew that mixing fire and chemicals was liable to cause a rather severe reaction.

The exorcist's confession only confirmed what I already knew. Kokabiel was planning on starting a war. From my already fading memories of the DxD show, he had planned to restart the war by killing the two devils based out of Japan and the plot involved using the Excalibur shards. Now that Yelena and Uriel had stopped the Excalibur project I didn't know what he would do but I did know that he would still try to kill the two devils out of spite. 

'This means a trip to Japan.' 

Not that I didn't want to go to Japan. I had always wanted to go to Japan even before I Shanghai-ed myself into this new life. 

My problem was that despite being God, I hadn't the slightest idea on how to proceed. It wasn't like I could just walk into their school and be like;

'Hello, I'm a foreign exchange student.' 

Or,

'I'm God, you will obey me or be vaporized.' 

Or,

'You there, redheaded bimbo with the massive fuck off tits. You're coming with me.' 

I could, in theory just wait for Kokabiel to attack and swoop in like some demented hero to save the day. I could also just smite the shit out of everyone and call it donesies, but where was the fun in that. 

'Maybe I should just do all of the above?' I thought to myself. 

I could barely remember going to high school, it couldn't be that bad could it? What was the harm of de-aging myself and going back to high school for shits and giggles. 

Making up my mind I sent a mental message to all the Seraph before flashing away. 

[Scene Break]

The Seraph, Ophis, the four founders, and the Romanova's were gathered around me in the throne room. I sat quietly on my throne and smiled at the people I had come to call my family. They were talking animatedly to each other about various things. The sisters and Thalia were talking about taking a trip to the mortal world. The Seraph were discussing the Brave Saints system, something they were working on based on the devils 'evil pieces'. Only the founders looked at me expectantly while I waited for everyone to finish up their conversations. 

"Father, why have you called us to gather, did something happen?" Raphael asked. 

Shaking my head I replied, "Nothing unexpected, though I have come to a decision about what to do moving forward." 

"Oh? It must be big seeing that you've gathered all the Seraph." Salazar said with a small smile. 

"Yes it is, I'm planning on directly involving Heaven with the rest of the supernatural factions once more. We're nearly back to our original strength and I believe that we've let the Grigori and the devils run about in the mortal world for too long." 

"Are we going to fight them?" Uriel asked. 

Shaking my head again, "Not if we can help it no," I raised a hand to stop everyone from interrupting. I could see that some of them were eager to get into a fight, though it was mostly Godric, "there will be a time to fight and show the factions our recuperated might. However, one of the Grigori is plotting something and I can't move forward until I am certain about what it is." 

"Surely Azazel can handle it, father." Michael spoke up. 

"Azazel doesn't know that a large portion of his faction has fractured away to a separate group. They follow the lead of Kokabiel." 

Several Seraph growled at the mention of the former Angel. "That blood thirsty fallen, shall I summon the legions to kill him father?" 

"I'll handle him myself when the time comes, for now send out patrols in the human world. Monitor all the fallen, strays, and devils you can find." 

"What will you do?" Gabriel asked. 

"I'm planning on taking a short trip, which brings me to the next topic." 

"Another trip through the Gap?" Ophis floated over to me. 

"Yes sister, I'm planning on taking a vacation before coming back."

"Didn't you already take a vacation?" Yelena and Natasha asked. 

"Wait, God takes vacations?" Thalia looked between me and everyone else. 

"Uh, yes? I'm God, I'm not a shut in and that last vacation was a few years ago. I'm planning on going back to high school as part of my plans when I get back so I figured I'd take a break from everything first." 

"You're planning on going back to school?" 

"I just said that." 

"Well I'm sorry, it's just hard to see an all powerful being willingly going back to school." 

Meanwhile Thalia was still looking at me with shock in her face. "But aren't you like really old?" 

I chuckled at her response, "I am old, that's besides the point though." 

Yelena narrowed her eyes at me, "You're not a loli pedo are you?" 

"Oh for fucks sake, no. That's not why I'm going back and where did you even learn that word." 

"Thalia showed me this thing called Anime." Yelena shrugged.

"Then why are you going back to high school." Natasha ignored her sister. 

"There are two devil heiresses in this particular school that are Kokabiel's potential targets." 

"He means to restart the war?" Michael's eyes widened in realization.

"Yes, which is why I plan on intercepting him there." 

"Why not just deal with him now, surely you can find wherever he's holed up and I don't know… smite him?" Natasha asked. 

"I recently discovered that there are certain things I can't find, even with my vast powers. Ophis witnessed this in Thalia's old camp. A girl there, Annabeth, is in possession of an item that lets her completely hide herself from my senses." 

"That shouldn't be possible." Michael frowned. 

"Indeed, yet it still happened. The only way to hide from a god is with the help of another god." 

"Annie's invisibility hat was a gift from her mother." Thalia supplied. 

"Thalia?" 

"Yeah, she told me about it when I was still a tree." Thalia grinned sheepishly. 

"So Athena gave her daughter an invisibility hat?" 

"For a pantheon that insists on not interfering with their children, they seem to do a lot of interfering." Yelena mumbled. 

"Anyways, we've gotten off track. I've tried to find Kokabiel's location but nothing is working. Which leads me to believe that another god is hiding him." 

I found it mildly infuriating that even with all my power, I couldn't find the former cadre. Honestly it was slightly concerning but remembering that I had obscenely good luck, I put it aside in my mind. The time would come where I found Kookybill and when that time came, I'd have Ophis violate the shit out of him… respectfully of course.

"And you don't want to go confront the other pantheons yet." Surmised Salazar. 

"Yeah, while I am powerful enough to crush them all single-handedly," Yelena and Natasha deadpanned, "I don't want to deal with the headache that comes with explaining why I blasted them to bits." 

"Are you going to be going by yourself daddy?" Gabriel asked with puppy dog eyes. 

Chuckling at her unasked question I replied, "You and Ophis can come, but we're going to be keeping a low profile so no violating anyone, that means you Ophis." 

The Dragon God looked at me with an unreadable expression, "Hmm." 

Rolling my eyes I turned to look at my family, "What?" 

"Er… usually you're the one smiting people daddy." Gabriel said sheepishly. 

"Right, then we'll have to keep each other in check then. Me more so than you and Ophis." 

Gabriel smiled brightly then nodded, "Okay! When do we leave." 

"As soon as we're done here, "Michael, you're in charge until I get back." 

Michael nodded, "I understand father, I'll let you know if anything happens." 

I wondered if Michael and the other Seraph were annoyed with me and how I constantly shirked my responsibilities as the singular god of an entire religion. 

'Oh well, they lasted entire centuries without me, they can last a few days. Besides, I'm literally God… what are they gonna do? Fire Me?' 

I had finally figured out how to manipulate time in my home world while I was away in another world. For this world jump I'd make sure that for each day that passed in whatever world I was in, only an hour would pass in my home world. That would give me plenty of time to fuck around in whatever world I ended up finding. 

On that note, I still needed to figure out a way to map the Dimensional Gap properly. 

[Scene Break]

Ophis and Gabriel, who had quickly become my 'adventuring party', stood next to me as we bid everyone goodbye before leaving for our vacation. I had given everyone orders as to what to do in my absence before hand so I wasn't worried that they'd go and do something foolish now that I had announced my return. 

Uriel and Raphael were tasked with cleaning out the Vatican of any corrupt exorcists and magicals. I told them to leave the people that had already left alone while keeping an eye on them. 

The assassin sisters had taken Thalia on a training trip around the mortal world along with Godric and Helga. The two founder insisted on going with to keep them company but I knew Godric just really wanted to fight something and Helga came with to keep him in line. 

Salazar and Rowena would stay with Michael to help him run things while I was gone and everyone else was given orders to start resurrecting worthy individuals with the Brave Saints system. With the new system, I didn't have to be the one making new angels. 

"Everyone have everything packed?" I asked my two companions. 

"Yes daddy." Gabriel smiled. 

Ophis merely showed me a bag of cinnamon buns that was bigger than her. I watched her put the bag back into the pocket of her dress. I didn't even know her goth lolita dress had pockets. 

'Wonder if she's using her power or if her pocket has an extension charm tied to it.' 

Shrugging I waved to everyone before opening a rift to the Dimensional Gap and stepping through. Ophis and Gabriel followed me and I shut the rift behind them. 

We floated in the Gap for a few seconds before Ophis frowned and turned to a seemingly random direction. 

"What is it?" I asked her. 

"Stupid Red." She grumbled. 

"Great Red is here?" 

Gabriel looked around, "I don't seem to fe-

Just then a booming voice echoed across the empty void as a looming red shape came into view

'No…' I groaned. 

tElL mEh WhAyy

"What is she doing." I groaned. 

aIn'T nOthiN bhUt A hEaRtAchE

"Why this song." 

"Daddy I'm scared." Gabriel hid behind me. 

TeLl MeH wHaaay, AiN't nOthIn bUttt a MiStakEe

"I'll kill her." Ophis growled. 

TELL mEhh WhAaaaY, I nEvEer wHannA hEaR yOu Saaay 

Ophis shot off and raised her fist to punch Great Red, I pulled her back with a tendril of power. 

"Let's go before she notices us." 

Ophis growled while struggling against my hold. 

"Let me go, I just want to talk to her."

AaaYyy wAanNt iTt tHaT WhEeyy

I quickly pulled everyone into a random world just as Great Red hit the final line. Ophis was still mad so I turned to Gabriel who was teary eyed. 

"You alright?" 

"What was that daddy?" 

Sighing I answered her, "That was Great Red doing her absolute best to sing." 

"Sing?" 

"Not very good is it?" I chuckled. 

"It was scary." Gabriel nodded. 

"She can't hold a tune to save her life but she does her best." I replied. 

"I'll kill her." Ophis repeated. 

"Ophis, let it go. We'll deal with her when we get back. Now, let's see where we ended up." 

Taking stock of our surroundings didn't tell me much. Besides the obvious fact that we were in a dense forest with a lot of green, I could also smell the lack of pollution in the air. 

Now, forests in general have cleaner air. In this case the air smelled as Earths had before combustion engines were made. Ophis and Gabriel looked around with me. Ophis walked up to a tree and touched it. 

"It's full of energy." She said in an even tone.

"They're all full of energy, seemingly from the same source." Gabriel added. 

I had a sneaking suspicion of where I had ended up pulling everyone. It wasn't the first time I blindly opened a rift in space and ended up somewhere unexpected. The first time had been when I had been exploring my more esoteric powers and accidentally opened a portal to an alternate Harry Potter universe. One where everyone was a furry and magicals cast spells through hip thrusting at the direction of their targets. 

That was the one and only time I had actually vaporized an entire planet. I then teleported home and proceeded to bathe myself in scalding hot water and copious amounts of bleach. 

I spuressed a shiver as the HORRID memories tried to surface before I swatted them back with an ironclad fist. I focused on confirming where we were at. 

Extending my senses I felt the world around me and noticed that it was one giant landmass. My suspicions further grew when I noticed that nearly every human being in the world had traces of divine energy. 

It wasn't enough to make them demigods, just enough so that they could potentially possess abilities. Unlike magicals back in the HP/DxD world, there seemed to be a fixed course that each individual's energy took. Some had more power than other, but that was expected. 

I barely noticed the sun set before the sound of people running hit my ears. Glancing at Ophis, she nodded when she got my intended message. She grabbed Gabriel and the two disappeared from view when she used her power to mask them completely. I also concealed myself while suppressing my aura and power. 

The sound of several people running eventually got closer until half a dozen men in reddish clothes burst into the clearing. One of the men was carrying a young red headed girl who was bound and gagged. 

The scene was very familiar, then I remembered where I had seen it. Mentally chuckling to myself I felt a twinge of excitement as I figured out where we had ended up. 

'We're in the world of murder wizards… fantastic, this just might actually be fun.'