Episode 29

It was a peaceful day in Lavatoria, well, peaceful for Lavatoria standards, which usually meant that nobody was exploding, cursed, or taking a massive dump in me. For once, it seemed like things might be settling down. But of course, I should have known that nothing ever stays quiet for long in this town.

Nixie, Ursha, and I had just finished a surprisingly uneventful breakfast at the tavern when we noticed something unusual: a giant stage had been set up in the town square, complete with a shimmering, sparkling banner that read "Lavatoria's Got Talent!" in big, glittering letters.

"Oh no," I muttered, already sensing the impending chaos. **"This can't be good."

Nixie raised an eyebrow, glancing at the banner. **"A talent show? In Lavatoria? I didn't even know this place had talent."

Ursha, ever the skeptic, folded her arms and grunted. **"I don't like the look of this. Talent shows always bring out the weirdest people."

Just as we were contemplating whether to leave town before things got out of hand, a loud voice echoed through the square.

**"Welcome, one and all, to Lavatoria's premier talent show, Lavatoria's Got Talent! Today's contestants will showcase their unique and bizarre abilities in front of our distinguished panel of judges. The winner will walk away with fame, fortune, and the coveted Golden Plunger Award!"

"Did he just say Golden Plunger?" I asked, groaning internally. **"Of course he did."

Before I could roll myself to a safer distance, Nixie grabbed my handle and smirked. **"Come on, Jake. This could be fun. Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do, right?"

"I have plenty of better things to do!" I protested, but Nixie wasn't hearing it. She dragged me toward the stage as the crowd gathered around, eager to see what kind of madness Lavatoria had in store.

As we approached the stage, it became immediately apparent that this wasn't going to be a normal talent show. The panel of judges seated at the front was enough to send shivers down my porcelain spine.

At the center of the table sat Sourmon Scowl, a snarky, scowling man with jet-black hair and a perpetually disapproving expression. He looked like he'd rather be anywhere else, and his eyes narrowed in disdain at every contestant who dared approach the stage.

To Sourmon's left sat Sharon Oarsborne, an eccentric woman with fiery red hair and a taste for the dramatic. She was wearing a ridiculous amount of jewelry, and her voice was already ringing through the square as she shouted encouragements to the contestants, though it was clear she had a flair for the over-the-top.

And then, to the right, was Howler Manwell, a bald, slightly neurotic man who looked like he was terrified of touching anything around him. He was wearing gloves, and every so often, he'd flinch if something got too close, as if he was afraid of catching a curse or a disease from the contestants.

"This is going to be a trainwreck," I muttered.

"No kidding," Ursha grunted, eyeing the judges warily. **"What kind of acts do you think we're going to see?"

"Knowing Lavatoria?" Nixie smirked. **"Something ridiculous."

The show kicked off with the first contestant, a sentient chair that claimed to be able to juggle. It rolled onto the stage with its armrests waving in the air, trying (and failing) to juggle three tomatoes. It wasn't long before one of the tomatoes splattered against Sourmon's face, prompting a collective gasp from the audience.

"Well, that's one way to start the show," Nixie said, stifling a laugh.

Sourmon, now covered in tomato juice, glared at the chair. **"That was… possibly the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Get off the stage."

"You tried, darling!" Sharon chimed in, her voice dripping with forced enthusiasm. **"You really did! Maybe next time try juggling something less… squishy?"

Howler, who had been cringing the whole time, looked like he was about to bolt. "I don't know why I agreed to this," he muttered, adjusting his gloves nervously.

As the sentient chair rolled away in defeat, the next contestant took the stage, a singing cockroach with a tiny guitar. The crowd cheered as the cockroach strummed the strings, belting out a surprisingly decent rendition of a classic Lavatorian ballad. For a moment, it seemed like things might actually go well.

But then, halfway through the performance, the cockroach hit a high note, and its wings began to flutter uncontrollably. It zipped around the stage in a chaotic blur, slamming into the judges' table and sending Sourmon's papers flying everywhere.

"I can't believe this is happening," I whispered, watching as the cockroach finally crashed into Howler's lap, causing him to shriek and leap out of his chair.

"Get it off! Get it off!" Howler screamed, flailing as the cockroach tried to recover.

Sharon, on the other hand, was laughing so hard she nearly fell out of her seat. **"That was brilliant! A cockroach with pizzazz!"

Sourmon, clearly unimpressed, just sighed. "Next."

As the next few acts cycled through, each one more bizarre than the last, I felt a growing sense of dread. The more I watched, the more I realized that this talent show wasn't going to end well. And as fate would have it, my fears were confirmed when the announcer called out the next contestant:

**"And now, a last-minute entry, Jake the Sentient Toilet! Let's see what kind of magic he's bringing to the stage!"

I froze.

"Wait… what?" I stammered. **"No, no, no. I didn't sign up for this!"

Nixie grinned, pushing me toward the stage. **"Come on, Jake. You're magical! You've got water powers, remember? You'll be great!"

"You signed me up for this?!"

Ursha shrugged, looking mildly amused. **"You're already here. Might as well give it a shot."

I was about to protest further, but it was too late. The crowd was already cheering, and the judges were waiting with varying degrees of interest and disdain.

"Fine," I muttered under my breath. "But I'm not doing this without a fight."

The crowd roared as Nixie wheeled me up onto the stage, my porcelain frame glinting under the bright lights. I could feel every eye on me, including those of the three judges. Sourmon's permanent scowl deepened, Sharon Oarsborne beamed with enthusiasm, and Howler Manwell looked like he was already regretting his decision to show up.

"This is a mistake," I muttered to myself as I rolled to the center of the stage.

Nixie patted me reassuringly. "You've got this, Jake. Just… you know, do something magical."

"Yeah, because that's super specific and helpful," I grumbled, but there was no backing out now.

Sourmon leaned forward in his chair, his gaze dripping with disdain. **"Alright, let's see what this so-called 'toilet' can do. I've already seen a singing cockroach and a chair juggle tomatoes, so the bar is… incredibly low."

Sharon clapped her hands together. **"Don't mind Sourmon, darling! I think you're fascinating! A magical toilet? Show us your stuff!"

Howler, on the other hand, was nervously inching away from the table. **"Just… don't spray anything gross, okay? Please?"

The crowd hushed in anticipation, and I could feel the pressure mounting. I needed something big, something impressive, to avoid being utterly humiliated in front of Lavatoria's toughest critics. I closed my eyes (well, metaphorically speaking) and focused on the water magic that had been brewing inside me since my last cursed ordeal.

"Alright," I said aloud, hoping I could pull this off without soaking the entire audience. **"Here goes nothing."

With a deep, magical hum, I activated my bidet powers. A jet of water shot out from beneath me, arching gracefully into the air like a fountain. But this wasn't just any ordinary water, this was magical water, shimmering with ethereal light and sparkling as it danced in the air.

The crowd gasped in awe as the water began to twist and twirl above the stage, forming intricate patterns that shimmered like liquid stardust. I spun the stream around, creating a beautiful spiral that wrapped around the entire stage, sending droplets of light cascading down like glittering rain.

Sharon Oarsborne let out an excited squeal. **"Oh, it's beautiful! Absolutely magical!"

Even Sourmon, the eternal cynic, raised an eyebrow in mild surprise. **"Hmph. Not bad for a toilet."

But I wasn't done yet. With a surge of concentration, I split the water stream into two, creating twin jets that wove together in an elegant dance. The water glowed brighter, forming swirling shapes in the air, shapes that resembled birds, flowers, and other fantastical creatures. I had no idea how I was doing this, but I wasn't about to stop.

The audience was mesmerized, their eyes glued to the spectacle. Even Howler, who had been cowering in his chair, seemed momentarily captivated.

"This is actually working," I thought, feeling a flicker of hope. **"I might just pull this off."

But of course, this was Lavatoria, and nothing ever went according to plan.

Just as I was about to finish the performance with a grand finale, something went wrong. The magical water, which had been flowing so gracefully, suddenly surged out of control. The twin streams twisted wildly, spiraling out in random directions like a pair of out-of-control fire hoses.

"Uh-oh," I muttered, trying to regain control.

But it was too late. One of the jets shot straight toward the judges' table, splashing directly into Sourmon's lap. The normally stoic judge leaped to his feet with a yelp, drenched from head to toe.

"What in the, ?!" Sourmon sputtered, his scowl even deeper than usual as he glared at me.

The other jet shot upward, hitting one of the stage lights and causing it to flicker wildly. The audience ducked as water sprayed everywhere, drenching the front row and sending several people scrambling for cover.

Howler Manwell, predictably, shrieked in terror. "Water! Water everywhere! I'm going to catch something!"

"Oh no," I groaned, watching as the magical water completely flooded the stage.

Nixie, standing at the side of the stage, facepalmed. **"Jake, you were so close!"

Ursha just shook her head. **"I knew this would happen."

The once-elegant water show had devolved into chaos, with water spraying in every direction and soaking everything in sight. The judges' table was completely flooded, and several members of the audience were holding up chairs and other objects to shield themselves from the deluge.

"This is a disaster," I muttered, trying desperately to stop the flow of magic. **"I'm never doing this again."

After what felt like an eternity, I finally managed to stop the out-of-control water jets. The stage was completely soaked, as were most of the audience and judges. The once-beautiful water shapes had dissolved into puddles, and the glittering rain that had enchanted everyone just moments ago had turned into a slippery mess.

Sourmon, still dripping wet, glared at me with pure disdain. "That," he said, his voice icy, **"was the single most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed. You started with something magical, but you turned it into a catastrophe. What a waste."

Sharon, on the other hand, was still grinning. **"Oh, darling! It was thrilling! The chaos! The water! I loved it! You're like a beautiful, unpredictable storm."

Howler, still shaking from the ordeal, pointed at me with a trembling finger. **"That… that was a health hazard. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a full decontamination after this. No thanks."

The crowd was murmuring in mixed reactions, some impressed, others still wringing out their clothes. I could feel my confidence draining away as I realized I had completely botched the performance.

"Well, that went about as well as I expected," I said, my porcelain frame slumping slightly.

Just as I was about to roll off the stage in defeat, something unexpected happened. One of the audience members, a burly orc with an unexpectedly high-pitched voice, stood up and began clapping slowly.

"Hey, that wasn't half bad!" he shouted. **"It was a mess, but I've never seen a toilet do magic like that before!"

To my shock, a few more people joined in, clapping and cheering. Despite the chaos, it seemed that some of the crowd had actually enjoyed the spectacle. Soon, half the audience was applauding, and a few people were even standing up, giving me what could only be described as a pity standing ovation.

Nixie grinned and gave me a thumbs-up.