-Hey look what I can do-

---

Ok. So there's a Potato dimension.

Correction. There are two Potato dimensions.

One of them is pronounced Po-Tay-To and the other is Po-Tah-To. As you can guess, most people get them confused with each other. This wouldn't normally be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that the natives are...shall we say...easily offended.

I ducked a thrown shovel as the native Potahtians (Potaytians?) attacked me with everything they've got on hand (mostly farm tools).

Teeth screamed in panic and ran around, waving his arms. Kryptos was nowhere to be seen, having been dragged off by a group of natives chanting "Blood for the Spud god!!!"

To understand what's happening we'll have to go back to earlier today...

"So you need to peel the vegetables before you can use them for cooking." I explained as I demonstrated the method of doing so. Not to brag but I've been cooking for billions of years and I'd like to say I've gotten pretty dang good at it. Space cooking anyway. My human cooking is pretty good but I cannot for the life of me figure out baking.

Damn those exact measurements.

Anyway, I've decided that my friends need to learn to cook. Also they were being punished for letting the house become a mess in my absence and were currently half turned to stone. Their arms and head were free so they could see what I'm doing and follow along but their legs were petrified.

Teeth and Kryptos were whimpering. I had them on stools so they could reach the table and they wobbled precariously with each movement. "Um...Bill?" Kryptos asks fearfully.

"Yeah?" I peel the carrot equivalent carefully.

"We...won't shatter if we fall right?"

I slowly turn my eye to stare unblinkingly at him.

The seconds tic by. Kryptos sweats nervously. I remain silent and staring. Teeth gives a scared whine as his stool wobbles a little when he peels off another piece of the carrot.

"So after you peel the vegetable you can cut it into the size and shape that you need." I continue cheerfully.

Pyronica sighed as she went along with my punishment without complaint. "Really you two, you should be glad Bill didn't turn us inside out."

Xanthar and Ammy were exempt from punishment because they actually tried to clean up. Failed, but it's the thought that counts. They were still part of the cooking lesson though. Xanthar was struggling and crushing his vegetables. Ammy was actually doing quite well.

Pyronica's slices were too big and her carrot-esque vegetable was misshapen and lumpy. Teeth was having trouble because his arms were so far apart. Kryptos would be doing well if he wasn't so afraid of falling off his stool.

"Actually, what did you guys do for food before I started feeding you?" I asked.

"I stole it." Pyronica shrugs. "Sometimes I roast things. I only know how to roast things." She was thinking of her life on the streets after her mother died.

"My mama always made me food until I reached adulthood. Then there was an Eye in my colony that did a lot of the cooking." Teeth sighed, remembering how his colony kicked him out.

"Same I guess. There were five of us so mom used to just make a huge bunch of stuff..." Kryptos frowned with the bittersweet memories of the family that sold him off.

Xanthar's thoughts spiraled into a mix of the happier times with his parents in the lavapits and the cold times in the Baron's dungeon having some water splashed on him every few days.

Oh.

"I don't think I NEED to eat." Ammy remarks, completely missing the heavy atmosphere in the room.

I make a coughing sound and look back at my 'carrot'. "Well learning to be self sufficient is always useful."

I sighed and un-petrified Kryptos, Teeth and Pyronica. "I would feel much better if I knew you guys would be able to take care of yourselves when I'm gone."

"You never leave for THAT long Bill." Teeth says as he slumps in relief on his stool, wiggling his toes. I close my eye for a moment, wondering if I should tell them.

"I'd rather be safe than sorry. Sometimes I'll get busy with something and I lose track of that social construct Time Baby enforces. I want to know that you guys will still be alive when I get back..."

That's not the real reason. I was worried about what would happen to them when I inevitably die. Once again, I don't know if my death at the end of Gravity Falls is a fixed point or not. I have found it's possible to shift 'Canon' but the amount of divergence is probably limited.

I worry so much. I don't want Xanthar to stay up late into the night watching the skies for my return. I don't want Teeth or Pyronica going hungry. I don't want Ammy to have no one to teach him right from wrong. I don't want Kryptos questioning whether or not he's worth anything. I don't want them to feel as alone as I had been before I found them.

I look over at my friends each struggling in their own way to properly prepare a vegetable for cooking. Teeth is frustrated at his lack of progress. Pyronica straight up doesn't care enough to put in any effort ("Ugh~this is so not fun."). Xanthar had started just mashing the vegetable into a pulp. Kryptos and Amorphous Shape were the only ones actually trying to follow my directions.

"You know what. I can tell you guys are getting bored of just peeling and chopping stuff. Lets go and learn out in the field instead!" I suggest.

"What the heck does that even mean?" Pyronica groans. "Can't we just order out?"

"And how are you planning to pay for the food if you eat out all the time?" Kryptos mutters. I'm glad that SOMEONE in this household understands how expensive that'd be. I don't want to create too much precious metals or materials in case of causing inflation. It's why we don't go out ALL the time.

"I can steal it." Pyronica replies with no shame whatsoever. I give her a sharp flick to her arm. "No. Bad girl. You can't steal EVERYTHING you want."

"Can't you...get a job?" Teeth asks. Pyronica's constant disregard for the law sometimes made him uncomfortable. He understood it was just how she was but that didn't mean he wasn't just as exasperated as I was about having to constantly bail her out of trouble.

"A...job?" The Cyclopian blinked in confusion. "Me?"

"Have you never considered that before?" Kryptos asks incredulously.

"Well...no. What would I even do? I have literally no credentials. I've never been to school, never worked anywhere else before..." She frowned at Teeth. "But like, you don't have a job either." She turns to point at the others "And neither do any of you."

"At least I'm trying to find work." Kryptos mutters. He goes out often to apply to places. Sadly, his random electrical discharges make it somewhat difficult. People ask him to take his gloves off and it doesn't end well. I make a mental note to get him a proper doctor's appointment so he can have an official medical reason for wearing gloves. That should help out on his application papers.

"I'm still auditioning for things!" Teeth protests. I hear him practicing in his room every night. He's done a few street performance stand up comedy routines here and there but hasn't found any gigs for proper roles. I know he keeps a jar full of the small change he's earned over time. I make another note to myself, check to make sure he isn't being turned down from the roles for reasons beyond his control.

"I hadn't even considered a job. What sorts of things would I even be able to do?" Ammy muses as he continues methodically chopping his vegetable into perfectly even pieces. "But why should I bother when Bill already pays for everything?"

Everyone turns to look at me. I roll my eye. "Even if I'm literally made of money, it doesn't mean you guys can just mooch off me."

"Oh right, you don't get paid to do your job." Pyronica realizes.

"What...exactly IS your job?" Kryptos asks. "I've heard stories about you for years. The Federation has PSAs about you. Everything I've seen and read says that you're an insane psychopath. And yet, people keep summoning you anyway?"

I cackle. "People are stupid. At least it means I still have something to do. Technically speaking, my only REAL job is doing Time Baby's dirty work. The jerk doesn't pay me, he just owes me Favors in exchange for my services."

"Wait. You work for Time Baby?" Teeth gasps.

"Ew no! I do NOT work for that selfish little bitch! He summons me and asks for a Deal. That's all it is!" I fume angrily. I see Kryptos flinch back when my bricks turn red.

"He just happens to be my most frequent and obnoxious customer. Terrible manners. No respect for me or my craft. Demands things I'm uncomfortable with doing and then acts like I'M the one being problematic when I say I don't want to do it!" I rant in irritation, my bricks glowing even brighter red as my eye turns black with fury just thinking about it.

"Bill? Bill! I-it's ok! Just...calm down?" Pyronica says quickly as she tries to grab my arm but pulls back quickly at the heat. "Time Baby is a bad client! Got it!" She nods frantically. "Yup. Definitely. Ri-right guys?"

Everyone else nods as they try to cut me off from my rant. I blink slowly before deflating back to my usual yellow self. "That jerk just doesn't understand that I'm a person with feelings TOO!" I huff and cross my arms.

"S-so...um...cooking in the field!" Teeth squeaks. "Lets go do that! Sounds like fun right?" He looks at Pyronica and Kryptos and they nod with tight, strained smiles.

"The MOST fun yes! Boy, I sure do love cooking! Let's go do some cooking Bill!" Pyronica says loudly as she grabs my leg and tugs me along behind her like a balloon.

"I was unaware you were all so passionate about this subject matter. I was led to believe you found Bill's lessons tedious." Amorphous Shape remarks in mild confusion as he follows us to the teleporters.

Pyronica wraps her hand around Ammy's 'neck' and grins widely. "What? Nooo~" she says in an overly cheerful voice.

Ammy leans back in apprehension. "Why are you doing that with your voice? It is disturbing. Please stop."

Kryptos quickly whispers something to the ever sifting creature. Ammy's eyes widen. "Oh. So this is that sarcasm thing? I thought it involved a different sort of tonality?"

"Hey! Yes! Cooking! Where are we going Bill?" Pyronica says loudly as she pulls me faster down the hall.

"Well, there's this planet called Potato that has wonderful fruits and vegetables. I figured we could go down and gather some fresh kills ourselves." I was content to just let my friend pull me along. It means I didn't have to put in the effort to move.

"Ronica, you're an active type of person so I think standing around in the kitchen is not the best way to teach you. Going out in the field and fighting off hungry plant monsters would be much more your style."

"Oh." Pyronica blinks at me before her smile turns more genuine. "I didn't realize you changed your plans for my sake."

"You and Teeth seem to have the most trouble with staying still." I shrug.

"Wait, what do you mean fighting plant monsters?" Teeth asks worriedly.

---

So...yeah...things didn't go...as smoothly or simply as I'd hoped. You know how I said there were two potato dimensions? One of them was populated by vegetable monsters. Despite the name, they weren't all that dangerous (aside from some of the gourds being good at bludgeoning) and I was thinking we would just have a jolly good time chopping them up and bringing home the carcasses for food.

The problem is the OTHER potato planet.

This one was populated by angry Potato natives who kill anything and anyone who was not a Potato. All would be sacrificed in the name of their Many Eyed God of Spuds. To the best of my knowledge, their Lord Spud doesn't actually exist. I haven't ever seen any god hanging around the planet so I wasn't sure if he was real or not.

Either way. I should probably save Kryptos before they sacrifice him. Pyronica was already setting fire to the Potatoes attacking her. The resulting baked potatoes actually looked quite delicious. Xanthar was stomping any that came near him, mashed potato guts flung all over the place.

Normally I'd be very against the idea of murdering the natives but they attacked first so this is just self defense. Besides, these things weren't...technically alive.

Ammy grabbed Teeth in a brilliant display of camaraderie and the two sat on top of Xanthar far from the danger. I wave my arm to make an earth wall rise around us before folding down towards our attackers and trapping them in soil. "Alright, which way did they bring Kryptos?"

"Cooking is awesome!" Pyronica laughs as she pops a roasted Potato in her mouth.

"I ALWAYS get these two dimensions mixed up." I grumble as I start scanning for where Kryptos was. According to my symbol sneakily placed on his top point, he was...that way. "Come on, lets go find Kryptos before they peel him or something.

---

I'm not even surprised to find Kryptos screaming as he dangled over a bunch of Potah/taytians with pitchforks like some pointy version of a Pinata. He was screaming the whole time as he shook himself back and forth to dodge the pitchforks.

I flicked my fingers and teleported him besides us. He collapsed to the ground wheezing and clutching onto Ammy's blocks. "Gah! Hah! Ngh!" I turned my gaze to the confused natives wondering where their sacrifice went. "Excuse me. I'd appreciate if you didn't sacrifice my friend to your non-existent god."

"How dare you spout such blasphemy?!"

"Look. I'm all for worshipping whoever and whatever you want as long as it doesn't harm anyone. But this-" I gesture to the trembling compass beside me "-is definitely hurting people."

"All who are not spud must be destroyed!" One of the natives began screaming. The others all began yelling as well. They waved their farm tools around in the air.

"Blood for spud! Blood for spud!" They chanted.

"So...how is this supposed to teach us cooking?" Ammy asks lazily.

I materialize an oversized vegetable peeler. "For potatoes, you have to shave off all the brown parts." A large peeler forms in from of each of my friends as well. "Think you guys can handle that?"

Pyronica cackles wickedly as she grabs her peeler. "Ooh~now THIS looks fun~"

"Wait, are we killing them?" Teeth asks uncertainty.

"Don't worry about it. Hunting for food is what creatures have done since the beginning of Time. Literally."

"I don't think I can stomach killing another living creature." Kryptos whimpers.

"They're not alive. Sort of. All these guys you see are just drones. They're a hive mind of bodies all controlled by one huge consciousness hidden somewhere on the planet." I shrug as the crowd of natives before us gasps in fear.

"H-how did you know?!" One of them takes a step back.

"Oh I know lots of things~" I grin as I lift my peeler. The light glinted off the blade's sharp edge. "Lot of things..."

---

"So...we're eating these things?" Ammy asks as we start piling up bodies in a pile to bring home. I nod as the survivors run away screaming. They put up a good fight but ultimately couldn't stand a chance against us. "I wanted to get some broccoli-type of vegetables but I suppose potatoes are better anyway. I know a lot more recipes that use them."

"This is so messed up, Bill." Kryptos shudders as he nudges one of the bodies with his foot. I scoff. "Messed up is Strip Clubs. This is just hunting down food."

I levitate the pile of bodies into the air. "Besides. They tried to kill us so we get to eat them. It's simple logic."

"That's not how logic works..." Kryptos moans.

"Sure it is! You just ne-" I'm interrupted by one of the bodies twitching. "Oops, we got a live one here."

"Y-you...monsters...killing my bodies...for...food..." The potato groaned.

"Yeah well, one, you can grow more, two, you've killed plenty of innocent people, those explorers that first discovered this place, the scientists that wanted to study this world...tourists..." I list off. "Frankly you're the bigger monster here. We're just hungry."

I lean up close to the peeled potato. "I have a question. Are YOU the Lord Spud you make your puppet bodies sacrifice people for? 'Cause if so, worshiping yourself is just...sad."

"No...I am not Lord Spud. He is far greater than anything you could ever know. His power is unbound, his many eyes see all and he will never die!" The potato laughs in a half mad way.

"And he demands live sacrifices?" I ask skeptically. The potato shakes. "Well...not really...the sacrifices are just...kinda...fun..." It says sheepishly. I flicker red.

"You mean to tell me...that you've killed 4882 people...for FUN?!"

"Oh dear..." Pyronica winced as she gestures for everyone to get back. "This is gonna be messy."

"How did you know the exact number of-"

It couldn't finish talking because I had wrapped a hand around it's 'neck'. "I know LOTS of things." I sneered.

My hand clenched harder, the edges of it's face creaking as I slowly crushed it in. The thing made muffled protests as it's hands desperately pulled at mine to try and get me off. It's cries grow more pained and frantic right before it explodes in a mess of starch fibers.

I drop the body and snarl. "If you can hear me. I'm coming for the real you. Better pray to your Lord for mercy because you won't get any from me." My flames spread along the ground and filled the area with its flickering blue light.

"It's ok Bill. Calm down..." Pyronica says.

"I AM CALM!"

I mime a few deep breaths before waving my fire away. "I hate it when people purposely kill others just for FUN." I growl. "If you're going to take a life, you need a reason! For food, for vengeance, for self defense, for punishment, for a cause you believe in....not because you're BORED!" I lift up the pile of bodies telepathically and teleport them to the pantry back at the house.

"You can't just kill someone because you're bored! That is an absolute waste of time, energy and life! There are so many more productive things you could be doing!" I continued ranting as I floated off in the direction of where the Potato's main body was.

Xanthar shuffled up and nudged me with his face. I sank into the soft fur and sighed. His soothing waves of 'Tranquility' did wonders for cooling my head. I pat him in thanks.

"Right. Calm. I'm calm..." I sighed. My bricks slowly fade back into yellow and I can hear Kryptos and the others heave a sigh of relief. "Right. So, do you guys want to go home or watch me tear apart a murderous religious zealot?"

"There isn't going to be blood right?" Kryptos whimpers. "Do you really have to kill him?"

"Well I don't think an unashamed murderer should be allowed free to continue hurting innocent people." I reply simply.

I can feel that Kryptos really wanted to say something but couldn't bring himself to do so. He probably wanted to point out that I was a murderer too. That's fine. I'm kind of a hypocrite sometimes.

"Well, I guess it would be bad to let someone go around sacrificing people? So we should at least stop them right?" Teeth says as he trots along below me while Kryptos floats beside him. I float lower to the ground and grin at them.

"Even if I don't kill 'em I will have to do something about them. Any suggestions if you'd rather I let them live?" I could tell Kryptos was uneasy at the idea of murder so I was hoping that letting him come up with an alternate solution would help. Even now, he was somewhat skittish around me, especially after watching me casually crush someone's skull in.

A tiny part of me says that I shouldn't be so nonchalant about crushing someone's skull in. It was just a small thing. A small blip of guilt. Barely noticeable. The larger part of me didn't care. It wasn't a real person. None of these things we've killed were real people. There was only one true sentient creature here and it was going to be punished for all the real lives it has taken.

I 'felt' the true body at the bottom of a rocky ravine over a boiling...gravy pit? I peer over the edge as Xanthar has to be held back from diving in. He was quite excited about it. Teeth gags. "What IS that stuff?"

"He who falls in is covered in sin!" I respond.

"What does that even mean?!"

I just laugh as I levitate my friends and float us over the gravy. It was bubbling and I realized this gravy was made from all the people sacrificed on this planet. Disturbingly enough, I could feel Souls in there.

Thousands of screaming voices from the people killed and dumped there. They were trapped. I growled. The one behind this really had to be stopped. To think I wouldn't have known to scan this planet if I hadn't gone here by mistake. I wouldn't have found out about this situation.

I felt somewhat ashamed, as a self proclaimed god of Knowledge. I have been slacking off. Ever since my friends came I had been spending more time just having fun with them instead of gathering information. I've been allowing myself to grow complacent. Lazy.

Weak.

I couldn't afford to keep doing that. I can't let myself waste time like this. I can't forget what I wanted. I wanted to be able to help people. That's what my powers were for. At least, that is what I've decided. Even if I'm Death, I can't just sit back and allow something like this.

Something of my thoughts must have shown on my face because Pyronica nudges me lightly. "Bill? What's wrong?"

"There's a lot of trapped Souls down there. Their screaming is rather loud." I answer honestly. They really were. The tortured cries growing to near deafening levels as we got closer and closer to the source. I winced and we wavered a little in the air. Focus. I can't drop us now.

"S-souls?" Teeth whispers fearfully. Kryptos looks grim as he gazes at the bubbling reddish-brown liquid. "It's the sacrifices isn't it?" He caught on first.

I gaze downward, my mind reaching out to prod at the voices. -Can you please quiet down. It's very distracting-

H̴̫̽̍elp̶̺̾ us̸͓̄

I̶̠͊̈́ẗ̷̞̲́ ̴̢̓͂ȟ̶̙̣u̴̩͑̆r̴̥̅t̵̙̔s̷͍̻̈ ̸̯̅̋i̸͕̤̒t̷̮̿̑ ̸̯̎h̶̩̓ů̵̪͠r̵̺̦͒t̵͖͋ś̷͎̆

-I will, just...please shut up for a bit. I can't help with you all screaming at me- I spotted the entrance to a temple-like structure and directed us down to land softly on the stone floor.

B͈̹͍̠͡e̖͎̮͟w̡̤ą̣̤͍̘͈r̻̤̖̖͕̝e̻̖̗͍͇ ̶͎̞t̢̼̝̬͎̭͈̟ẖ̠e̟̭̻̮̞͢ ̛̬͓͇͍̘̪̼è͔̱̲y̵̟e̥͓s̰̺̫̘̞̲͢ ̩̘͠t̙̦͙ͅh̰̱̗̺̳̀a̷̞̜t̛͓͍̖͇͓͚̮ ̮̫̟p̭̬i͠e̤̤r̞̳̻̺ͅc͏̠̣̟͎e̢͉̠̯̣͙̜ͅ ͎̠̜̕and̟͔͖̝̖ͅ ̭t̗̠̣͍̯ͅḫ̙͔̗̤͡e̖̘̻ ̴̻̰̪͈̼̻ͅb̸̲̭̤u͞dș̦̣̭̣̀ ͚̖̩̩̟̺͞ṭ̳h͎̺͝a̜̖̝͘t̨ ̰̥͇͖̝͡g͠r̠̥̣o̷͚͔̞̦ͅw̡͉̼̝̤̠͇

I staggered, pressing a hand to the side of my eye. "Ffffffff-! Shit..."

"Bill?" Pyronica and Xanthar step forward to grab me if I fell. "They just keep screaming..." I whimper.

T̀h͎̹̟̬̞͎͘e̼ ̝̖͝e̢y̢̜͚͍ḛ͇̗̮̘̙͟ͅs͙͙̫ͅ ͏t͕̖̝͍͞h͖̦͈͎̲͕a̻̺͍͖͟t ̛͍͓̦̰ͅs͈̞̮̫̙̮̘p̯ŗ͙ou̧͔ͅt̶̺̜̦͔̘̟ͅ

̛͚̻̫T̛̺h̷͓̞̗̺̭̭̳ȩ̥̱̺̱̠̰ ̬v̥̘͙̤͉͟i͚n͙̦e̸̳̬̳ş̞̠͉̗̹̞ ͓̥͙̹̻̝t̩͎͍̱̼̗͞h̵̟͔̳̲ą͖̖t̪͚͚̣ ̩̫̙̤ͅḅ͓͕̜͈̹͞in̨̥͉͖̤͍̲d̤̩̱͙͈

̗͈̰͎͕P͚͉̗̹l̯͔̩̳e͎a̧s͈e ͜s͍̻͉̞͇͓͢a̵̩̣̫v̫͇̫͚̥̤͇e̖̯̪ ͔̱̪̗ưs̜

"Goddamit! Shut up! We're here to free you! You don't have to keep asking!" I growled. My head hurt and I don't know how these Souls were expecting me to help them when I can't even see straight.

"Is Bill alright?" Teeth asks worriedly as I shake and hover unsteadily.

"He's probably hearing the voices of the thousands of people that were killed here. That...cannot be a pleasant experience..." Kryptos winces in sympathy.

They're lucky they cannot hear this. I collapse to the ground and Xanthar picks me up carefully. "Can you block them out Bill?" Pyronica asks as she fusses over me. I blink painfully. The screaming hasn't stopped. "Yeah, but I'm gonna need you guys to be my eyes for a while..."

"What does that mean-" Ammy starts to ask before my form dispersed into nothingness and suddenly my friends all felt me settle inside them. "What the Void?!" Kryptos shudders as he feels me move around to get more comfortable. I sigh with relief. It's so much quieter in here.

-Sorry 'bout this. Don't worry, it's not gonna harm you guys at all.-

"Bill...are you...inside my head?!" Pyronica gasps.

-I'm in all of your heads. I'll explain later, for now, we should get inside that temple and find the asshole behind all this.-

"This is so weird..." Teeth chatters before walking up to the temple walls. "How do we get in?" He asks.

He squeaks in surprise as my power flows into him. "Holy dentist!" He gasps as he quadruples in size. "This is so cool!"

-Just smash this place open and destroy the main body. Then I can free everyone-

Teeth laughs and easily punches the wall down. "This is just like a level of Rampage!" He says in delight. Ammy stares in wonder. "Can I do that?" He asks. I make a mental shrug. -You don't exactly have any combat oriented skills. Sorry Ammy-

"It's fine." He floats through the hole Teeth made. The others follow along. I imbue them with a fraction of my power as well. Kryptos yelps as he grows larger. Pyronica is laughing like Teeth as she immediately begins destroying everything in her path.

Xanthar was massive. He happily knocked down walls as Ammy (larger but sadly still unable to really do much) floated along behind him.

-Try not to destroy ALL the walls. It would be annoying if you brought the temple down on us- I groan. Teeth and Pyronica apologize sheepishly.

"So where is the guy we're after?" Teeth asks. I point them towards where I felt the main body was earlier. I peeked put every now and then, wincing as the screaming came back, but I also felt the main body's panic as we got closer to where it was.

"What in the name of floss is THAT?!" Teeth screams as we enter a large room filled with a large pulsating mass. "Ew! Is that the guy?!"

Correction, the room wasn't filled with the creature. The room WAS the creature. The stone floors melted into brown starchy flesh. A million eyes opened and stared at us from all around the room. Pyronica screams and flings a fireball at them.

The creature screeches in pain. I see roots threading out along the ground and dipping into openings in the floor where the gravy was. Was it using the dead as nourishment? I couldn't fault it for that but why were the Souls trapped here? Did this potato feed on them as well?

I slipped out of my friend's minds carefully, shuddering as the screams slammed into me once again. I had to find the anchor point that was trapping them here. Xanthar was stomping on the roots, cutting them off from the main body. Pyronica was letting loose a steady stream of fire at one of the larger lumps of starch-flesh. Teeth looked too disturbed by the creature to try biting it so he just kicked at it instead. Kryptos had taken off a glove and was sending bolts of lighting into the screaming, pulsing mass.

I shook myself and tried to focus. I could hear the potato screeching for mercy. Looks like it was a Telepath as well, makes sense considering it had to use it's mind to control all those puppet bodies. I wondered how it could stand all the screaming.

-Please stop! Mercy! I beg of you!-

-Give me one good reason why I should call off my friends? You've killed so many people. Do you even know how many Souls are here right now?! Did you even NEED to kill all those people? Was it really just for fun or do you actually need to eat people?-

-It...was definitely because I needed food!- the potato lied unconvincingly.

-Well thank you for clarifying- I said cheerfully before reaching in and clawing at his mind viciously. The scream shook the room we were in. It drowned out the Souls and my friends covered their ears and staggered. I didn't let up my attack, digging deeper and deeper into his mind, tearing pieces off and crushing them.

He tried to fight back but his attacks barely scratched me as I tore his mind to shreds. Come on. Where is it? I reached inside him and found the anchor. He was holding onto the Souls to keep himself alive. I might be able to forgive a mortal creature's desperate attempt at immortality. I cannot forgive using Souls to do so. Besides...

"You only needed ONE soul idiot. Having so many just bloats you up and kills more people." I snarl as I crush the pathetic thing beneath me and it's screams cut off. There was absolute silence. Even the Souls had gone quiet.

The others paused in their destruction of the potato creature. They could tell something had changed. "Is it dead?" Kryptos whispers.

There was an explosion of ethereal light as thousands of Souls shot out from the ground and up through the ceiling. Teeth screamed and jumped to grab onto Pyronica's leg as they passed through him in their escape. My boost had run out and everyone was back to their normal size. Kryptos kept hopping back and forth to try and dodge the Souls.

Ammy was staring at them in wonder and fascination. Xanthar was similarly enthralled. I admit. It was a beautiful yet haunting sight. I gasped when one of the Souls flew through me. Their memories and emotions flooded my senses. All that knowledge was automatically collected and saved within me. I groaned as more and more knowledge was absorbed whenever another Soul flew through my form. Too much all at once.

Too many people.

I trembled, flew over to the far wall and tried to stay out of the way of the Souls. My bricks were pulsing a strange mix of pleasant and unpleasant. On one hand, I was buzzing with energy and it felt great, on the other, I wanted to throw up. At least I wasn't eating the Souls. I thanked Ax that copying memories didn't harm the person I was scanning.

If I ever accidentally ate a Soul I would be quite upset at myself. All Souls were created by the AXOLOTL and I felt angry for His sake whenever I saw innocent ones being mistreated like this. Even the Souls of sinners being tortured made me uncomfortable. I'm all for punishing bad people but seriously, they're already dead, just let them reincarnate and try to be a better person in their next life.

Finally the flood of Souls ended and I sighed in relief as they entered the cycle of reincarnation. That's one less thing to worry about. Scratch that. There is still one thing to worry about.

The Soul of the potato creature was still here. It clung to it's corpse pathetically. Now that it was freed from its disgustingly bloated body, it had returned to it's original tiny potato form. Most souls just pass on within a few minutes but this guy was refusing to leave. I sent my pent up energy to burn up its body. The Soul cried and I floated over to glare at it.

"Dude. You're dead. Just go."

-No...I don't want to...- it wailed. As mad as I was about the terrible things it did, I managed a bit of sympathy. "Look, you're scared right? I get that. I really do. But staying here isn't going to help you."

-I don't want to die...-

"You're already dead."

-What's going to happen to me?-

"Don't you have a god you believe in? Generally your god deals with you after death right? Don't tell me that after all that shit you pulled about killing people in the name of your god, you don't even believe in them?"

-...Lord Spud will never accept me after the crimes I've committed...- the Soul muttered morosely. I rolled my eye.

"Look, even if this Lord Spud doesn't accept you. I know someone who will."

-R-really?- the potato looks up at me with it's many eyes. It looked so small and helpless.

"Yeah. And he's a really nice dude as well. He accepts everyone. Hell, he accepted ME. Just let go. Ok?"

The potato looks at me hesitantly before sniffling and fading away. I couldn't feel it anymore. It's moved on.

"Were you talking to it?" Kryptos asked me. I can tell he couldn't see the Potato's soul. Heck, the only reason my friends could see the other Souls was because there were so many of them gathered together. "Yeah. Dumb thing refused to pass on."

Everyone was kind of quiet. Mostly still awed from the mass exodus of Souls they'd just witnessed. "So...those were Souls huh?" Kryptos says at last. "Do they normally look like that?"

"Pretty much. They look like themselves but glowy and transparent."

"That...did we just...kill a boss monster and free thousands of people?" Teeth asks. I nod at him and the mouth gave a loud "Whoo!" before jumping around excitedly. "Do we get any prizes? Have I gained a level?" He asks.

"Hm..."

I clap my hands and a treasure chest drops onto the ground. It's not much but it makes Teeth happy. He opens it excitedly to release music and glowing golden light.

Doo Doo Dee Doooo~

Teeth found a Traveler's Sword

He laughed with childish delight and swung it around. Ammy looked mildly affronted when a swing came a little too close for comfort. I shake my head fondly at their antics and teleport the lot of us home. Right before we left I heard a small voice.

~Thank you for freeing my misled child~

I felt it, the aura of another god. Before I could respond the world twirled around us as my powers took hold and we warped out of there. As we reappeared back at home I couldn't help but gaze out at the swirling galaxy outside.

Huh.

Guess there really WAS a lord Spud.

—

Cooking with Bill!

That was the banner proudly displayed above the kitchen, the edges had blinking lights. For maximum effect, I had the banner swoop down and flash proudly. "Hey kids! It's me Bill Cipher and welcome to Cooking with Bill!" There's the sound of applause.

"I'm your host Bill Cipher and this is my co-host for today...Teeth!"

More applause and cheers sound out. Teeth looks around wildly. "Where is that coming from?!"

"Today we will be showing you how to prepare stuffed baked potatoes!" I continue cheerfully.

"Where are we Bill? This isn't our kitchen!"

"This is a simple recipe that anyone can make with just a bit of time, dedication and LOVE!" I make a 'teehee' sound and wink at the camera, a little cartoon ❤ coming out along with a twinkling sound effect.

"Ok I'm starting to get freaked out now..." Teeth whimpers.

I pull out one of the potatoes we killed earlier. A bunch of other ingredients appeared as well. "All you need for this is a fresh potato, sour cream, ground meat (I enjoy beef but you can use boof or biif as well), salt/pepper, olive oil, cheese and some scallions."

"Bill? What's happening right now? Who are you talking to?"

"Now the first part of ANY cooking process is cleanliness. Remember to wash your hands kids." I stretch my hands out towards the left of the screen and they reappear from the right until they reach the sink in front of Teeth. He stares at my elongated arms and then at me sitting right next to him. "Wouldn't it have been easier to just..." He starts to ask.

"Now my co-host will show you the proper way to wash your hands."

"I am?"

"First you turn on the faucet to a nice temperature that's not too cold or hot."

"Well...here goes I guess?" Teeth turns the knobs and tests the temperature. "This feels fine." He starts rubbing his hands under the stream of water.

"Of course, if your hands are dirty then you'll need more than just water."

"Where's the soap?" Teeth wonders, looking around the empty tabletop.

"That's why you need...SOLID ANIMAL FAT!" I cheer as I held up a bar of soap. Teeth stares at my hand holding the soap and then at the two hands still floating in the air above the sink in front of him, the arms stretching off screen to the right. "Wait...but your hands are-"

"Here you go Teeth. One bar of animal fat! For all your cleaning needs!" I stretch my hand up in the air until it leaves the frame and Teeth jumps as my hand with the soap appears from beside him, sliding up from behind the counter. "Bill seriously what the fu-"

The screen fades out of focus as a logo pops up with a picture of a bar of soap with big cartoon eyes. A narrator voice reads out "Solid Animal Fat! For all your cleaning needs! Buy it now at a Hellmart near YOU!" A short jingle plays as the narrator voice says quietly and quickly "SolidAnimalFatisonlyforcleaning.Itisnotmeantforeating,wateringyourgarden,sexytimesorthehostiletakeoverofyouroppressivegovernment.WeatHellmartarenotresponsibleforanydeaths,internalbleedingorwidespreadanarchycausedbymisuseofourproduct.

The screen fades back in.

"-uck is going on right now?!" Teeth wails.

"So! While my co-host is cleaning himself, I can start explaining what we need to do. First off, the potato needs to be washed as well. Unlike with HANDS though, you do not need soap. Simply scrub the potato lightly under running water." I wash the potato in the sink in front of me.

"That sink wasn't there before!!!" Teeth screeches even as he uses the soap. There were three of my hands around him even as I used the two 'normal' hands attached to my body to wash the potato. Teeth gives the soap back to the hand beside him and bats at the ones above him. "Back off. This is weird."

"Now your potato is all clean." I hold up the potato and very obvious sparkles surround it along with a disembodied voice going "WOW~"

I hand the potato to Teeth, this time without sending a hand off screen, he seems grateful for that. "You now need to dry the potato. Simply pat it down with a paper towel." Taking his cue without complaint, Teeth grabs the potato and looks around for said paper towel.

"Where did my sink go?!" He gasps as there was a smooth counter space in front of him with a roll of paper towels beside him. He follows my instructions despite his confusion and drys the potato.

"Now we cut a slit in the potato lengthwise. We're not cutting it in half, just making an opening so it doesn't explode when we put it in the oven to bake. Most people just stab it with a fork but we're out of forks." I gesture to the beautiful sculpture shaped like myself, made entirely of forks. I set the oven to 425 degrees, I didn't need to wait for it to heat up, it just BECOMES whatever temperature I want. Teeth doesn't even question the oven suddenly beside me.

"I didn't know potatoes explode..." He says as he picks up the small knife that magically appeared on the counter to make an incision along the potato like I instructed. He hands the potato to me and I pour some olive oil on it. "Now you rub some oil on and around the potato, make sure you really soak it in there. Then you just stick it in the oven to bake for about...45 standard galactic minutes." I toss the potato into the oven before frowning at the camera. "Blame Time Baby for forcing us all to WAIT for our delicious food."

Smiling brightly I proceed with the rest of the instructions. "While we're waiting for the potato to finish cooking, we can start preparing the meat. Just heat up some oil on a pan and start adding that thermal energy to the ground up animal FLESH." I start cooking on the stove top in front of me, spatula in hand and a large pan in the other.

"Bill, are you okay? Are you going through something? You know you can always come to us for help?"

"Add some salt and pepper for flavor and cook until the meat browns. If you're so inclined, you can add some onions. I hate cutting onions though so this won't have any. Here Teeth, take over for me." I push the stove top and it slides across the counter to rest in front of Teeth. The whole room shifts to the side along with it. Teeth sighs and mimics what I was doing, stirring the meat around in the pan.

"So while he's doing that I can talk to you about the other ingredients. The sour cream acts as a glue to stick everything together, the chives are for color and the cheese is just nice to have because cheese is delicious." The oven 'Dings' beside me. "Ooh! It looks like the potato is done baking!"

"But it hasn't been 45 minutes yet..." Teeth points out.

I pull the oven open and a stream of ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ flew out with more twinkling sounds. The potato seems to glow with a heavenly light as I held it up. A choir sings "Ahhhh~" behind me.

I place the potato down and widen the slit until it opens up and a bunch of steam comes rushing out of the potato. "So now you can take the meat, mix it into a bowl with the sour cream, chives and cheese and slather it on top of your potato." Teeth carefully scoops the meat out of the pan and into a large bowl. The three hands around him are putting in the other ingredients and stirring it. He doesn't even question it anymore.

"My dear co-host, would you like to do the honors?" I place the plate with the potato in front of him. He scoops a large spoonful of the meat/sour cream mixture and dumps it on top of the potato. "This was weird. But it was kinda nice." He says as he puts on a little more of the mixture.

"Aaaaaand~you're done! Ta-Da! Delicious baked potato with filling!"

"Thank you all for being with us today for another episode of Cooking with Bill Cipher! I love all of you! Remember kids, reality is an illusion, life is a hologram BUY GOLD BYE!"

The screen fades to black as cheers and applause sound out.

A narrator voice says "Cooking with Bill Cipher is brought to you by Chaos™. Chaos, you too can now embrace the screaming insanity of living within an uncaring universe."

A logo fades into view. "And by contributions from viewers like you, thank you."

---

My friends blink slowly as we sit around in the kitchen with plates of baked potato in front of us. "What...the fuck just happened?" Pyronica asks. Kryptos was looking around himself, jumpy and confused.

"Well I for one, find that cooking lesson to be quite educational." Ammy says calmly as he starts eating his meal. Teeth shakes his head and frowns at me. "Bill, I don't know what you're smoking...but I want some."

I laugh long and hard.