16. Sibling Rivalry

I Wish I Was Your Brother

A/N: I know it's been a long while since I've posted. I think my muse took a summer hiatus. It seems to have returned, so this is for all of you encouraged me to keep writing while the muse was away.

A/N: This is a little something for the schmoop deprived. Enjoy.

- SIXTEEN -

Sibling Rivalry

My older brother Brandon always complained that I got everything I wanted. But if that were really true, he and I would have had a relationship like Sam and Dean Winchester's.

I was only twelve when I met Sam and Dean. Sam and I were at the same summer math boot camp and we became friends during the first week of classes. The camp was for "gifted kids" and Sam was so good he'd actually gotten in on a scholarship. Me, I just thought it would be a cool way to spend the summer and so my father paid to get me a spot. I really liked math and wanted to be great at it, but for Sam it just all seemed to come easily.

At first I was in serious competition with him because he was always at the top of the class; but for him there was no rivalry. So much so, that when I was having a really rough time with calculus, he offered to help me and we became fast friends after that.

While some of the other kids were looking for ways to slack off we were always trying to get a hundred percent on all the assignments. We studied together for tests and quickly became known as the brightest boys in the camp.

Sam coming to town totally turned around my summer. I had thought it was gonna be a miserable July because my parents had gone on a four week European cruise leaving me alone with the housekeeper, Aurora, a driver and Brandon. To understand my misery, you'd have to get caught up on my family history.

Brandon and I were really half brothers. To me, that didn't matter, but to him it did and let me know every chance he got. You see Dad was married to Brandon's Mom for about twelve years and for eight of those years he was seeing my Mom. When I was seven and Brandon was eleven, Dad divorced his Mom and not even a year later, he married mine. Brandon never forgave him, or me.

It was hard when he had to come and spend the summers with us; but it was worse the year he turned seventeen and had to move in. By then his Mother was "unstable" according to my Mom. And from the whispers I overheard I realised that she had a drug problem. Apparently, she refused to get help so Dad decided he didn't want his son growing up in that kind of environment. Brandon came to live with us and his resentment turned to hatred.

When I was old enough to understand how complicated our family was I got why Brandon was always so upset. His Mother and Dad had hired my Mom as their personal trainer. I won't get into all the gory details of how it all played out, but needless to say there was a lot of lies, hiding and sneaking around. And when it all came to light, no one looked good.

So I understood why Brandon was always so mad at Dad and my Mom. But what I could never understand is why he was mad at me. The whole thing had been really shocking to me too because for years Mom had said she would tell me about my dad, "when the time was right". Then I found out it was the nice, rich, man who had always been her "special client".

To this day, I still found it a little awkward to be around my father but he didn't seem to care. In fact, his answer to everything was to just buy me more stuff. And Mom only wanted shop for clothes and jewellery, party at the country club and fly off on vacation. She finally had everything she'd always wanted and boy was she enjoying it.

On the other hand, it all sucked for Brandon and me. I was really confused when all the stuff with Mom and Dad came out but when I heard I had a big brother, deep down, I'd felt excited. But when Dad took me to meet him, Brandon threw at fit. He screamed at Dad and at me and he'd been screaming ever since.

I can still remember the day Sam introduced me to his big brother. We'd had a test that day and Dean was picking him up after class. Sam was in such a rush to go out and meet him that I had to jog a bit to keep up.

Dean stepped out of an awesome black car, looking like a movie-star tough guy in his jeans and leather jacket.

"How'd you do?" he asked when Sam came up to him.

"Top of the class," Sam said proudly.

"That's my boy!" Dean whooped, giving Sam a high-five before pulling him into a quick hug and rubbing his head.

"You owe me Pizza!" Sam said with a grin that was at least a mile wide.

"You earned it," Dean kept his arm around Sam's shoulder, while Sam stood there looking thrilled to be soaking up the praise. "You keep up this freaking brilliance and I'm gonna end up broke."

That made Sam laugh out loud. "If you don't wanna go broke, stop making bets you can't afford."

Laughing just as hard, Dean opened the passenger door of his car for Sam.

"You shut up and get in before I make you starve."

"Hey," Sam finally remembered I was with him. "This is Chris, who I told you about."

Dean turned his attention to me and suddenly I felt self-conscious. I don't know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn't the wicked smile I got.

"So," he said. "You're the other math nerd that's geeky enough to keep up with Sam. Good to meet you."

I tentatively shook the hand he offered.

"Nice to meet you too. I've heard a lot about you."

"Yeah? Well don't believe a word geek boy says."

"Don't worry. It's all good."

"So how did you do on the test?"

"I got the second highest mark, behind Sam."

"Awesome!"

It took me a few second to realise that Dean's raised hand meant he was giving me a high five. When I slapped my palm to his I felt like a million dollars. Having a guy like Dean give me props for getting good grades really felt cool.

"So can Chris come with us for Pizza?" Sam asked.

I was sorry he did that because I figured Dean would probably say no. He'd offered to treat Sam, not me.

"Sure," Dean said easily. "I'm feeding one nerd, may as well feed the other."

"That's nice of you, but I can't."

"Why?" Sam asked curiously. "Your folks are away, do you think your brother would mind."

Mind? He couldn't have cared less.

"It's not that," I told them. "I just don't want to crowd in on your celebration."

"Well if it's just that don't worry," Sam waved it off. "Come on, you'll love this pizza place. One of the waitresses has the hots for Dean so we get extra cheese for free."

I went with them, and that's what changed my life.

Before Sam, I hardly ever brought any friends home but I invited him for a sleep over so we could study for a math test.

I should have known better.

Sure it was cool at first when it was just us and Aurora. She made her killer spaghetti and brownies and we chilled a bit playing video games. We were well into our marathon math session when Brandon came home with what looked like at least ten people.

They came straight into the den where Sam and I were studying chatting and laughing loudly. Courtney Fender-Clay, the girl I'd once heard Brandon call his "summer fling" was at the front of the pack hanging on to him. Everyone knew that the Fender-Clays were loaded but for some reason Courtney always looked trashy. Tonight, she was in a very short mini-skirt and a tight, skimpy top that looked like a bra. She and a few of the other girls in the group had grocery bags with snacks and stuff and some of the guys were carrying six packs.

"Beat it!" Brandon said when he saw Sam and I in the room. "We're gonna watch the basketball game."

"But we're cramming for our math test tomorrow," I said.

"And I'm supposed to care?"

Brandon's face had that sneer that told me he was about to get nasty. I was so sick of him treating me like dirt. This was my home too.

"I was here first."

"Kid, let's not even talk about who was here before who."

"You can watch the game in your room."

Lord knows Brandon's TV was big enough. When he was moving in Dad had splashed out on all kinds of stuff to set up his room so he would feel at home. However, like everything else Dad had done to bridge the gap, it hadn't worked.

"If anyone is relocating it's going to be you."

"Make me." I yelled feeling like anger was bubbling up in my stomach. These days it didn't take much for me to start getting angry when I had to deal with my brother.

"Look you little brat, I understand you want to put on a big show for Sean's benefit."

"His name is Sam!"

"I don't give a crap what you call him; but if I kick your butt right here in front of him neither of you is going to enjoy it."

I know my face must have been the colour of one those corny little red hearts girls give guys on Valentine's Day. Brandon always spoke to me like I was pond scum; but when he did it in front of people it hurt so bad. It wasn't enough for him to hate me; he wanted everyone else to hate me too.

Something in me really wanted to stand my ground but another part of me just wanted to walk away before he made me feel any worse. In the end, Sam made the decision for me.

"Let's move Chris," he said getting up and gathering his books and papers. "Come on, we can go to your room."

"Good idea Sean," Brandon said scornfully then he looked pointedly at me. "Your friend seems a lot smarter than you."

Without another word I picked up my books and walked out with Sam following closely behind me.

"You see what I have to put up with," Brandon was saying to his friends as we left the den. "Spoiled, entitled, self-absorbed, brat."

There was a mumble of response before one of guys in the group piped up. "You're no different Brandon," he said. "You just don't like him because he's your brother from another mother."

That got the whole crew laughing with Brandon's cackling being the loudest. "You shut up and pass the beer," he ordered. "It's time to get this party started."

"I'm really sorry," I said to Sam once we were safely in my room.

"It's cool," he shrugged. "You OK?"

"Yeah," I lied.

Sam looked at me like he wanted to say more but he didn't push it.

We kept cramming for about another hour and then turned in hoping to get a good night's sleep before our test tomorrow. I was half asleep when suddenly loud laughing and chatter started up outside. It seemed the party had moved out to the pool which was right underneath my bedroom window.

Of all the times to have loud, raucous, friends over Brandon had to pick tonight. I could only hope that poor Sam was managing to sleep through the racket. My hopes dimmed when the screaming and splashing started. My guess is that Brandon and his crew had ploughed through the six packs and were now wasted and tossing each other into the pool.

I pulled a pillow over my head to drown out the noise, but it was impossible. Things seemed to go from bad to worse and before I knew it my bedroom door was thrown open and some guy and a girl stood there mauling each other.

"Hey," I said sitting up quickly and switching on my lamp. In the bed beside mine Sam bolted upright too. "We're trying to sleep."

"Ooops," the girl giggled, sounding really spacey. "I guess this one's taken."

"Come on," the guy said dragging her away. "They got at least a hundred rooms in this place."

They laughed and stumbled off leaving Sam and I looking at each other both too embarrassed to say anything.

And if all that wasn't bad enough the next morning as we were having breakfast in the kitchen, Courtney came in yawning. Her hair was all over the place and all she was wearing was a little black lacy thing that looked like a swimsuit. She looked like one of those women in the underwear magazines my mom ordered stuff from.

Sam turned bright red and looked down at his plate. Feeling embarrassed and helpless, I did the same. Courtney totally ignored us and called across the kitchen to Aurora.

"Brandon and I need breakfast in bed; and bring some aspirin while you're at it."

She turned and walked out, almost slamming the door as she went.

I pushed my plate away and looked up at Sam.

"Next time, we go to your house."

We did go to Sam's house and the difference was like night and day.

Although it was small and the stuff around the place was kinda old, the Winchester's house was a home. And although their Dad was off working and it was only the two of them; Sam and Dean seemed like a complete family.

It was the little things that made their relationship seem special to me. Stuff like the division of chores with Dean cooking and Sam washing up. Or the fact that Dean would actually ask if the music was too loud when he played his hard rock while Sam and I were trying to study.

Then there was the stuff they thought no one saw like the way Dean couldn't come within one foot of Sam without ruffling his hair or slipping an arm around his shoulder. Or, the way Sam would always close his eyes and lean in when his brother reached out for him. Then there was the way Sam would look at Dean when Dean was giving a joke or telling a story, and you could just tell that Sam thought he had the coolest big brother in the world.

When I compared their small, untidy house to my father's spotless, mini mansion, the Winchester's home won, hands down.

So the Winchester's house became the place where Sam and I would study. And one night, when I stayed over, I saw a side to the brothers' relationship that sent me over the edge.

During a study break, Sam and I had helped Dean wash his car. Dean left us alone to finish rinsing and we got into a major water fight. We both had a blast but it was pretty late in the evening and it got windy while we were outside, soaking wet. When Dean came and found us, he chewed Sam out for playing in water when it was so nippy.

"You'll be half dead with cold and fever by tonight," Dean had said.

He was right.

In spite of a hot shower, soup and hot chocolate, Sam started coughing and sneezing within a few hours. That night we had to turn in early, because there was no way Sam could stay up and study. Dean gave him medicine and sent us both to bed.

I'd only had a few hours sleep when Sam's hacking and sneezing woke me up in the middle of the night. I was about to ask him if he was OK when he tossed off his covers and got out of the bed. He opened the door quietly, like he didn't want to disturb me, and slowly slipped out. After a few moments I got up and went after him wanting to see if he was alright. When I got to the dark stairway I could see him in the living room below, approaching the couch where Dean was kicking back watching TV.

"Dean," Sam mumbled, sounding really tired and really young.

"Hey," Dean immediately sat up and used the remote to mute the TV. "What's up kiddo?"

"I feel sick." Sam complained.

Then I almost gasped out loud when he dropped down on the sofa beside Dean and laid his head against his brother's chest. I braced myself, waiting for Dean to shove Sam away and tell him to grow up and stop being a baby. Instead, Dean wrapped his arms around his little brother and one hand stroked Sam's head while the other rubbed his back.

"This is why I was so mad about that water fight." Dean said softly. "You know it doesn't take much for you to come down with a cold."

Sam just sighed and burrowed in closer. Dean hugged him for a while and then gently eased him back so he could feel his forehead and then his neck.

"OK," Dean sounded really tender. "You're running a slight fever and I know the coughing has been on you all night, but I think you'll survive this one Sammy."

"I feel awful," Sam wailed, and he sounded just like a two year old. "My head hurts and my throat's sore."

He leaned back against Dean and back into the hug. Instead of feeling awkward and moving away, Dean pulled Sam in closer.

"It's O.K." Dean soothed. "Big brother's got you."

I watched from the shadows feeling weird about seeing all this but I couldn't walk away.

"You're such a tough guy," Dean joked softly. "Until you get the sniffles and then you're back in diapers."

I couldn't believe Dean was saying that and there wasn't even a sneer in his voice. And instead of pulling away and feeling embarrassed that he was behaving like a little kid, Sam just buried his face in his brother's neck and held on tight. Sam was acting like a baby and Dean wasn't mocking him, he was comforting him.

Even as the awkwardness tickled my stomach and I felt like something was creeping up the back of my neck, I couldn't look away. I sat there in the shadows just watching and wishing. Instead of seeming silly and mushy, it just seemed so nice.

What was it like to have a big brother that loved you like that? How did it feel to have someone who would hug you real tight when you felt sick or frightened instead of calling you a wimp and shoving you away?

They cuddled for quite a while and I watched. When Sam seemed to be nodding off, Dean drew back a bit.

"It's too soon for your next dose of meds. How about I tuck you back in and wake you up in a few hours?"

"Can I stay down here with you?" Sam asked.

"You need to be in bed," Dean patted his back.

"Please," Sam begged, and that seemed to do the trick.

"O.K," Dean moved to the far end of the couch putting a pillow on his lap so Sam could stretch out and lay down on him. Then Dean pulled down a blanket that had been flung over the back of the sofa and quickly tucked it around Sam. "Try and get some sleep," he said softly and I could see him gently running his fingers through Sam's hair.

I got up quietly and walked away. I couldn't stand to see any more of the love and the closeness.

I tiptoed back to the room and crawled into bed. I lay there thinking about the way Brandon always spoke to me like I was this low piece of life that he just couldn't stomach. I thought about how I'd just heard Dean speak to Sam; all loving and tender like his little brother meant the world to him.

It was possible for brothers to love one another without it being weird. So why couldn't Brandon love me? It had to be because, I just wasn't loveable.

I pulled the covers up over my head and bawled.

When I woke up the next morning I knew something was wrong. I tried to sit up and my head felt like it weighed at least a hundred pounds. When I swallowed my throat hurt.

I looked at the opposite bed and saw Sam fast asleep under a mountain of blankets. I guess whatever he had, was now messing with me too so I went to find Dean.

"Uh oh," he said when I caught up with him in the kitchen. "Looks like my patient count just doubled."

"Dean, I don't feel so good," I mumbled covering my eyes as a coughing fit began.

"You don't look so good," he came towards me and felt my forehead. "And you sound even worse."

He opened the fridge, took out some juice and poured me a glass. "Well, I'll say this for you," he ruffled my hair. "You're a true friend; you clearly don't want poor Sammy to suffer alone."

That made me laugh, which started up the coughing again.

"Here," Dean got the cold and flu medicine from the dining table. "Dose up, and as soon as Sammy wakes up I'll take you home."

I didn't want to go home; I wanted to stay with them. But of course I couldn't tell them that so I just took my medicine and ate the breakfast Dean made for me and then went back to lie down.

The meds made me really sleepy and I must have clocked out, because one minute I was lying down and the next I was hearing Dean and Sam whispering.

"Sleeping beauty is finally awake," Dean snickered softly. "How're you feeling?"

"A little better," Sam yawned.

I snuck a look out from under the blanket that was covering most of my face and saw Sam shifting to the edge of the bed where Dean was sitting. He put his head in his brother's lap so Dean could pet him.

"I'd say from your level of clinginess, a full recovery is still a way off," Dean teased, brushing Sam's hair out of his face.

"I'll be better soon," Sam promised but then he started hacking again.

"Take it easy little buddy," Dean said rubbing his back which seemed to calm the coughing. "There's no hurry; besides, you got company now."

"Company?"

"Yeah, poor Chris is coming down with a cold too."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I was just waiting for you to wake up so I can take him home."

"Oh?" Sam sounded worried.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't think he's going to be happy about that. You know his parents are away and he and his brother, Brandon, don't get along."

"They don't?"

"No. It was so weird Dean. It's like his big brother doesn't even like him."

"Don't be such a drama queen Sammy. Cut the poor brother some slack, little brothers are generally a pain in the butt."

"No, it's not even like that. Brandon really doesn't like him. He says really mean things to him and I think it hurts Chris real bad."

"OK, so maybe his brother's a jerk but he's got his parents."

"Yeah, but they haven't been around all summer. I swear Dean, he has all this money but sometimes it's like he's all alone."

"And if that's the case I feel bad for him but if he's sick he should be at home. So let me wake him up and we'll take him back to his place and then I'll make you breakfast and then it's back to bed for you."

"But Dean..."

"Sammy, anything can happen and I can't take responsibility for Chris."

"Why? You take care of me."

"Sure I do," Dean tickled Sam under his chin. "But you're mine Sammy."

And didn't that make Sam the luckiest guy in the world.

I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed hard.

I wasn't going to cry again.

Dean helped me get my stuff together, bundled up Sam in the backseat of the Impala and headed for my house. When we drove up Brandon was out front loading up his SUV. Courtney was there in shorts so short I wondered why she even bothered.

Dean pulled up next to Brandon and we both got out of the car.

"You must be Brandon," Dean said guiding me towards my brother. "I'm sorry man but Chris and my little brother Sammy got into a water fight yesterday and it seems they're both paying for it now."

On cue I stared coughing again.

"He's running a slight fever," Dean informed Brandon. "So I gave him some medicine but he'll need some more every few hours."

And just as I had expected, my brother laid into me.

"What the hell is the matter with you? First you run off with god knows who and then you come back sick.

"Hey," Dean raised his hand like he thought he could get Brandon to chill out, but he didn't know my brother. "It's not his fault. Kids catch bugs all the time. You just need to watch him today and make sure he gets his flu meds and he should be OK soon."

"Well I've got plans," Brandon turned the heat on Dean. "I've been planning this beach trip for the last week and I'm not going to blow it off to play nursemaid to this moron."

Did he really have to say that in front of Sam and Dean? Did he really have to let the whole world know just how much he hated me?

"Look dude," Dean sounded annoyed. "Whatever your plans are, you're gonna need to change them 'cause your little brother's sick."

"Guess again," Brandon said, looking over at Courtney who was leaning over to fix some bags in the trunk, giving us a full view of her legs and a bit more.

Totally embarrassed and grossed out, I stared down at my sneakers wishing the freaking ground would just swallow me up.

Dean stepped up to Brandon. "O.K lover boy, I like a hot chick just as much as then next guy but Chris needs you now. So I'd suggest you cancel the steamy weekend and take care of your little brother."

Brandon looked at Dean like he was something he'd rubbed off his shoe.

"What the hell do you think the help is for if not to babysit the brats?"

A really heavy feeling was sitting on my chest, making me feel like the only way to get it off was to scream.

"Aurora is off this weekend," I said trying not to sound like I was about to cry. "You know she goes to visit her family the last Saturday of every month."

"You expect me to keep track of the maid's domestic affairs?" Brandon snapped. "Just call her and tell her she has to come back."

"That's not fair," I cried.

"Oh and you think it's fair that I have to miss my weekend because you went and got yourself sick. So now when the old man calls home he'll have something else to lecture me about. Just get inside before I really get mad."

"What the hell kinda bastard are you?" Dean yelled at Brandon. "The kid is sick and you're pawning him off on some maid so you can go get your groove on with hot pants Barbie."

Brandon's face turned so red, I thought the top of his head would blow off from all the heat.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" He demanded, but I noticed he took a step back. He didn't dare get in Dean's face.

"I'm the dude who's gonna kick your butt outside your own house for being such a damn jerk to your little brother."

One thing I knew about Brandon is he could slice and dice with his mouth but he couldn't fight to save his life. So Dean, all muscled up in his leather jacket and with his mean sneer had my big brother backing off.

But as much as I should have been happy to see someone finally putting Brandon in his place, it all just made me feel even worse. Dean, a stranger until a few days ago, was the one defending me against my own brother. Somehow, if Sam had been in my position there was no question as to whose side his big brother would have been on.

"It's OK Dean," I said putting a hand on his arm in case he meant to sock one to Brandon. "I'll be fine. You can take Sammy home now. Thanks for having me over."

"You sure you're gonna be OK?" Dean forgot Brandon for a moment and focused on me.

"Yeah," I said.

I wanted Dean and Sam to go before Brandon embarrassed me even more. It was bad enough that my brother hated my guts but the whole world didn't have to know.

"All right," Dean gave Brandon one last angry look and then carelessly ruffled my hair. "Call if you need anything."

"Thanks," I said watching him get back into the car and then drive away.

Brandon walked back to his car and tossed a few bags that had been resting in the driveway into the trunk.

"I'm supposed to meet the rest of the guys in half an hour," he said. "I'm late."

I looked at him, helplessly, hoping that for once he would see that I needed him.

I may as well have been invisible.

"You better get inside and call Aurora and tell her to get back here as soon as possible."

He dug in his pocket and pulled out some money. "Here," he shoved the cash at me. "Tell her you've got the money for her cab fair."

"Keep it," I said.

I turned around, ran into the house and slammed the door.

In the safety of the foyer, I looked out of one of the front windows to see Brandon shrug to himself and stuff the money back in his pocket.

He got into his car and drove away.

I was all by myself.

Alone in the house and alone in the world.

I didn't call Aurora because it didn't seem fair. She waited on us hand and foot, night and day and it wasn't right for me to take away her time with her family just because Brandon didn't care enough to stay with me.

And as I lay in my bed, stuffy and miserable from the cold, my throat throbbing with pain and my head feeling light and dizzy from the fever, I realised no one really cared.

My father only cared about his money, my Mom only cared about her shopping and her parties and my brother only cared about himself. There really wasn't any room for me here, so what was the point in hanging around.

I found the cold medicine in my parents' bathroom. It was in the medicine cabinet with a whole lot of bottles filled with all kinds of pills. The label said it was for adults and should only be administered to children by a physician.

I put the bottle to my mouth and drank until it was empty. It was a bright red, just like the kiddie cough syrup I always took, but it tasted so different. Instead of the sweet cherry taste it was bitter and harsh. When the room started to move around me, I gagged and heaved. Then my stomach started griping like the time I had eaten a whole bucket of ice cream and had ended up sick in bed for days. Heaving and coughing I reached for the phone and barely managed to punch Sam and Dean's number. I didn't call my brother or my parents; I called two people who had been total strangers a couple weeks ago.

When I heard Sam's voice I started crying. But it wasn't even like regular crying I was shrieking and gasping for air.

"Sam?" I was so relieved to have contact with someone, even if was through the phone line.

"Chris? Chris what's wrong?"

"I swallowed all of it and I don't know what to do?"

"Swallowed all of what?"

"I'm sorry Sam."

"Sorry for what? Chris what's going on?"

I couldn't answer. I'd fallen from the bed down to the floor and the phone had dropped out of my hand.

The last thing I heard was Sam screaming for Dean.

Once again, I woke to hear the Winchesters talking.

"Come on Sammy," Dean was saying. "We got to him in time."

"We never should have let him go back there," Sam said and he sounded like he was bawling.

I opened my eyes to see him standing a little way off crying into Dean's chest.

"I know," Dean admitted. "Who would have thought that jerk Brandon would have left him alone when he was sick. How the hell could any self-respecting big brother do something like that?"

"I told you he didn't like him."

"Yeah but there's not liking and then there's being a selfish bastard."

Even if I'd wanted to keep eavesdropping my cough had other plans. When the hacking started Sam and Dean turned to look and then came towards me. My head felt foggy but as I looked around I could tell I wasn't at home.

"Where am I?" I asked and I sounded really weird, like when I lost my voice after screaming at a ball game.

"You're at the hospital," Dean said softly. "How're you feeling?"

"Weird," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

"Let me get the doctor." Dean released Sam so he could press some buttons above my head. Sam just stood there with his face red and his eyes wet.

Then came the nurses and the doctors checking me over, asking me questions. They told me that my brother would be there soon, I told them I couldn't care less and I meant it. When Brandon arrived and saw me in the hospital bed he turned white as a sheet and started talking real fast like he was frightened.

"What the hell happened?"

"Hey," Dean stepped up to him. "Don't come in here and start anything."

Brandon ignored him and came straight to my bedside.

"They told me you almost ODed on cold medicine. Chris what the hell is going on?"

It was the first in a long while that I had heard him say my name. Most of the time it was brat, moron or worse.

"He tried to kill himself," Sam told Brandon. "He hurt himself because you left him alone when he was sick. What kind of big brother does that?"

Brandon turned on Sam, but rather than being mean he just sounded scared. "Look I didn't ask to be anyone's big brother. My bastard of a father thought it was a good idea to cheat on my Mom and then he arrived."

Dean wasn't buying that.

"So your Dad couldn't keep it zipped," he said. "What the hell does that have to do with Chris or you?"

"Do you know what it's like when a man you've looked up to all your life turns out to be cheat and a liar? Do you know what it's like when a boy can't respect his father?"

"I understand that fathers aren't perfect. And I understand even more that things can get really complicated in families but none of that is Chris' fault."

"You have no idea," Brandon said, and I'd never heard him sound so scared. "This is not my first hospital scene. When Dad went off on his honeymoon with his new wife my mother swallowed a whole bunch of sleeping pills and I was the one that found her. I had to call the doctors and ride with her in the ambulance while Daddy Dearest was in paradise with his hot new wife."

"Look it all sounds really messed up but you can't take it out on Chris. In all of this crap you got a little brother don't you know how lucky you are?"

"He's the lucky one!" Brandon yelled and god help me he looked like he was going to cry. "He always gets what he wants."

"That's not true," I yelled. I just couldn't take anymore. I was sick of all the hate. I was sick of him. "You wanna know what I want, more than anything?"

"What?"

"To have a big brother that loves me as much as Dean loves Sam. But I'm never going to get that and that's fine with me now. I'm sorry about what happened to your Mom. I'm sorry for what Dad did, and if it makes you feel better to hate me then you can just keep right on doing it. I don't care anymore. I don't want you for a big brother. I'm done."

"Come on Chris," Dean turned from Brandon to me. "Take it easy, buddy."

"I'm done Dean," I said loud enough to let them all know I meant it. "Brandon," I looked at my brother. "Get the hell out of my face."

I turned away from all of them and pulled the covers up, trying to shut them all out.

I could hear Brandon arguing and his voice sounded like he was about to lose it, or worse. I heard Dean hustling him out of the room talking about "getting some fresh air" and chilling out "before he busted a gasket".

When the room door slammed, I started bawling. Sam came to my bedside and took my hand.

"It's gonna be OK Chris," he told me.

But that didn't stop my tears; and when words didn't work, Sam leaned over and hugged me tight. I held on to him and cried like a baby.

I'd lost the brother, I never even had.

Sam was right; everything did work out but not in the way any of us would have expected.

Dad and Mom rushed back from their vacation and he took on the "family crisis" like it was a big business deal or something. There was counselling, therapy and even a big "reconciliation trip" so we could all bond.

Brandon stopped being mean to me but that was about it. He didn't want to us to be close. He didn't really want to be a big brother.

And I was OK with that because it really didn't matter to me anymore. You see soon after Mom came back from Europe, she found out she was pregnant. It was going to be a boy and I was going to have a little brother.

From the day I found out, I loved him even though he was just a bunch of shadows on an ultrasound. I didn't care about Mom or Dad or Brandon, I was going to be there for him all of his life. I was going to hug him when he cried, care for him when he was sick and kiss him and cuddle him even when we were big enough to have kids of our own.

People come into our lives for a reason, and now I know, I met Sam and Dean Winchester not so they could help my big brother to love me but so they could teach me how to be a big brother.

THE END

More to come, please keep reading.