Chapter 9: Onward Hogwarts

The train came to a stop shortly after, and they all got off with the mass of students. They heard Hagrid, who Deadpool was still impressed with, call for the first years. Making their way over, Harry said, "Hey, Hagrid."

"Good gracious, what happened to you?" the giant of a man asked, taking in the changes to the boy.

"Wade," Harry said, pointing to Deadpool, who was still gaping at the man.

"Damn, but you're huge," the chibi man said, wondering if he could take the guy in a fight. Well, probably if he played dirty, and if there was one thing Deadpool could do, it was fight dirty.

"Who are you then?" Hagrid asked, looking at the costumed man disguised as a boy. "Why are you dressed like that?" he repeated the often-asked question.

"Everyone is going to ask me that, aren't they?" Wade said, looking to Harry, who nodded with no sympathy. "It's all the rage," he said to the giant, who looked perplexed.

"Right," was all the man could say to that. "First years," he called, then counted heads, seeing there was two extras, he looked to Wade again. "Are you supposed to be here?"

"I'm Harry's bodyguard," Deadpool said, shocking all the kids he had shared a ride with. Well, not Luna.

Hagrid couldn't call him on that, so he started leading the way. Dumbledore would sort it out. They went down a slippery path to a row of boats.

"Four to a boat," the giant called, hoping there were enough.

Harry, Hermione, Wade and Luna took one boat, the others joined the other students, though Ron didn't look happy about that.

While they were going over the lake and admiring Hogwarts, Wade noticed the giant squid. "Oh, he looks fun," the chibi man said, and jumped into the lake to wrestle with said squid. The giant squid just picked him up and put him back in the boat. "Not fair," Deadpool said, and jumped in again. The process was repeated three times until Hagrid told him to knock it off.

"What are you trying to do, anyway?" Harry asked the wet mercenary.

"I was just playing with it," Deadpool said in a sulk.

"I don't think it wants to play," Hermione said, while Luna patted his arm.

"Or that is his way of playing with kids," the airy girl suggested.

"Oh, well, I'll be here a while. We can play my way later," Wade said, perking up at the notion.

"What do you think of Hogwarts?" Harry asked, changing the subject. He did that a lot. It was a good thing Deadpool was easily deflected.

"Looks like it would be hard to defend," was Deadpool's assessment.

"I don't think there's going to be a siege anytime soon," Hermione stated, looking at the crazy chibi like he was… crazy.

"You never know with these things," Wade said sagely. He was still going over ways to defend the castle, just in case. There was a Dark Lord after Harry, after all.

"Anyway, Luna are you excited to be here?" Harry asked the quiet girl.

"Oh yes, especially since I'm a year and ten chapters early," the blonde said, bouncing in her seat, making Deadpool do the same.

"We'll have to thank the author for that," the chibi man said, looking to his left, Luna to her right, and they both said, "Thank you, Fairywm."

"I'm never going to understand them," Hermione lamented.

"Just go with the flow, but stop them from doing anything too stupid," Harry said, grabbing the katanas' holder to keep Deadpool from jumping into the lake again. "Will you quit," he demanded.

"But he looks fun," Deadpool whined, trying to jump in again.

The rest of the way followed the same vein. Inane conversations and stopping the costumed man from jumping into the lake.

They got to the shore and the kids, and Deadpool, walked behind Hagrid up a long set of stairs. Most were out of breath by the time they got to the top. Hagrid banged on the doors and was greeted by a stern looking woman.

"I count two extras," the giant said to the prim woman.

"We'll sort it out," she said in a thick Scottish accent.

"Right you are, Professor McGonagall," Hagrid said and turned and left.

"Follow me," the professor said, turning sharply and moving down the hall. Everyone followed, not having anything better to do so did Deadpool. Though he was itching to explore, he needed to see Harry accepted as a student. He had no idea how that happened, the author was being tightlipped, but it promised to be fun.

The professor gave a speech that is repeated in many fanfics, so will be glossed over, about Houses being like family and that bad behavior would be punished. She then told them to smarten up and left.

"I hope they are not like yours and Neville's family," Deadpool said loudly, making everyone turn to them.

Neville wasn't sure how to take that. He loved his gran, but hated his uncle. Maybe that is what Wade meant. That there would be no one to hate. He could only hope so.

"Me too, I'd hate to see you shoot anyone," Harry said, making the muggleborn and a few half-bloods cringe.

"He shot someone?" Hermione asked, completely taken aback.

"To be fair, my uncle shot at us first," Harry said, defending Deadpool's actions.

"Yeah, that fat bastard deserved it," Wade said with a smug tone.

"You're not helping," Harry told him.

"I'm not trying to," the chibi man said with menace.

That got people to back off a bit.

McGonagall came back and led them into the Great Hall.

Deadpool took one look at Dumbledore and shouted, "Santa!" In a leap that defied gravity, he jumped over all the students, the Head Table and landed in the confused man's lap. "I'm very upset with you, Santa. You didn't get me the gun I wanted for Christmas last year. And I was such a good boy," he finished in a pout. "I never hurt an innocent," he added in a whisper.

The professors all stared at the boy, only the little goblin like one laughed. The others were so aghast that they did little to stop him. McGonagall was poleaxed and was holding the sorting hat in the air.

"Young man, get off my lap and join the others," Dumbledore said in a grandfatherly voice. He patted Deadpool on the back and gave him a little shove.

"Hey, you're not Santa," Deadpool accused, jumping on the table, and pointing his finger at the old man. "You're a fake," he said, stomping down the table and back to the group waiting to be sorted.

"Wade, get over here," Harry and Hermione said, then looked at each other and giggled.

"Spoilsports," Luna said, clapping when Wade came up to her.

"What? Like none of you thought he looks like Santa," Deadpool said to those staring at him.

"He kinda does," one of the muggleborn said. "You know, the old-fashioned kind," he defended when the stares turned to him.

"See," Wade said, standing with his hands on his hips.

"If you are finished," McGonagall said, putting the hat on the stool next to her.

"Just a second," Deadpool said, then he farted and said, "Now I'm done."

"Ewwww," came the disagreement of many.

"Wade!" shouted Hermione and Harry again. This time they didn't giggle.

"I'm done," Deadpool stated again, waving for McGonagall to start.

"When I call your name come and put the hat on your head. Then you will be sorted," the prim professor explained. "Hannah Abbot," she called, and a strawberry blonde girl ran up and put the hat on her head.

"Hufflepuff," the hat called out. The girl ran to her table, who were clapping for her.

And the sorting went on.

Neville went into Hufflepuff, Hermione went into Ravenclaw and now it was Harry's turn. He moved to the front and Wade followed right after him.

"Young man, what are you doing?" McGonagall asked, keeping the hat in the air.

"Following Harry," Deadpool said as if it was obvious.

"Why, is the question," the older woman said, still holding onto the hat.

"I'm his bodyguard," was the answer.

"His bodyguard?" she questioned.

"Yes, his bodyguard," Wade said slowly, looking at her like she was stupid, though she couldn't see it, his tone said just as much.

"Don't take that tone with me, young man," she snapped, lowering her arm but not giving Harry the hat.

"Why, pray tell, does young Harry need a bodyguard?" Dumbledore asked, leaning forward a bit.

"He's a celebrity," Wade once again used that 'are you stupid' tone.

"I'm afraid you cannot be here if you are not a student," the headmaster stated with a great deal of conviction.

"It's in the charter," Deadpool said with just as much conviction.

"How did you know that?" the old man asked, not wanting that information out there.

"The author gave me a copy," Deadpool said, whipping out the document in question.

"What?" said a good deal of the people there.

"Never mind," Harry quickly said, and then he turned to McGonagall. "Can I be sorted now?" he asked, waving Wade to standdown.

"Albus?" she asked, looking to the headmaster for instructions.

"The young man is correct, it is in the charter," the old man sighed.

"So, not even sorted and you're getting special privileges," a greasy-haired man sneered at Harry.

"Wade," Harry said, and Deadpool leaped over the table again and put his katana, Arthur, on the man's throat.

"You were saying?" the chibi man asked in a sweet voice.

"I'll see you expelled, Potter," the dower man said, though his eyes never left the blade at his throat.

The students and professors were all holding their breaths.

"Wade," Harry said again, in a different tone.

"Cockblocker," Deadpool said, removing the katana and jumping back to Harry's side.

"I'm afraid you will have to remove the blades from the castle," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

"Over my dead body," was the reply to that. "Look, I'm going to be here, no matter what you do. I am immune to mind magic, and I will not be threatened. You can throw me out, send me across the world, and I will be right back here the next day," Deadpool stated as fact. "Just behave and you will never even know I'm here." He smiled a smile that the others heard and squirmed from.

"Can I be sorted now?" Harry asked again, trying to deflect the mood.

"Yes, of course," McGonagall said, still not sure what was going on, but could do little to stop it.

"Slytherin," was the immediate response.

"Damn," Harry swore, not wanting to be in the same room as Malfoy. At least he had Wade.

The sorting went on, with Ron going into Gryffindor, until there was only one person standing, Luna Lovegood.

"Your name, my dear," Albus asked the girl.

"Luna Lovegood," she said, swaying to music only she could hear.

"You are not due until next year," the old man stated, looking at her queerly. The Lovegoods had always been a strange family. Perhaps, the girl was confused.

"I'm a write-in," she stated, looking to her right at nothing.

"She's also under my protection," Deadpool said loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Well, if you are a write-in…" Dumbledore said, not sure what a write-in was, but decided not to fight it. This sorting was already strange enough.

"Come on," McGonagall said, waving her forwards.

Luna skipped up to the stool and put the hat on.

"Slytherin," the hat call with reluctance.

"Goody," she said, putting the hat down and clapping. She skipped to the Slytherin table, making them look at her strangely. Slytherins don't skip.

"Woohoo, go Luna," Deadpool shouted, clapping, and standing for her. He scooted over and let her sit next to Harry.

"Why Slytherin?" Harry wanted to know, knowing the girl probably asked to be here.

"This is where all the action will be. Besides, Hermione is the token Ravenclaw, so I didn't need to be there," she explained, much to the confusion of the rest of the table, bar Harry and Deadpool.

"Good choice, I can protect you better here," Wade said, pulling out a knife from… somewhere. He then proceeded to clean the area around his gloved nails.

"Two chapters in one day," Luna said out of nowhere.

"Her muse was pushy," Wade said with a shrug.

"Oh," Luna said, then the food appeared, and everyone ate.

"Let's just hope the muse is pushy tomorrow too," Deadpool said, using his knife to spear some food.

"Let's hope," Luna agreed.

"You two are weird," Pansy Parkinson said, scooting over as if they would infect her.

"Thank you," they said and then turned back to their meals.

"Ignore it, unless they threaten you, then run," Harry suggested, filling up his plate enough to feed three people. Since the serum his hunger was outrageous.

"Yeah, run," Luna giggled, knowing that would do little good. But she also knew Deadpool would only scare the girl.

"Okay," Pansy said, scooting over further, and the boy next to her did the same.

Soon Harry, Wade and Luna were in a spot all their own.