The Tears of Our Children final part

What does it mean when adults say, "Don't let life pass you by"? The adults who say that seem to be the ones who lived life with regrets, sensitivities, or the fear of consequences and wished they hadn't, but then there's other adults who live life in excess. Some enjoy the hedonism of it all, others are just trying to drown out the stresses of life, but such gluttony is often chastised. Some folks want all of the fun but none of the consequences. Others just want a simpler existence but get pushed and pulled every which way but the way that promotes peace. It seems like a mockery of those who live by the rules, who avoid a life of impurity, or who simply are content in the world. You do your best as a child to please your parents and your family, but the reward can be fruitless and compromises your sense of self. You become a pile of accomplishments for others to regurgitate versus a person who simply enjoys tinkering with something of value. Then, there are other families who celebrate you and invest in you. Less pressure to please and more to give back. There seems to not be a black and white to anything. Just choices with gray results.

What does it mean when your mind believes, "You were better off dead"? Was spending time with friends and family not enough? He used to take life in stride as a kid. Life didn't pass you by. People living idly or with no sense of urgency or duty let life escape them. That's what he believed, but he remembered the day he perished quite clearly. It was violent, traumatic, and painful. He had one regret in life and no desire for excessive vices, yet his second chance at life felt as undeserving as his first life. It was a tortuous mockery. He may not have remembered what his beloved sister had said before she lifted her sword to remove the Shikon Jewel from his back, but he remembered quite vividly the pain in her eyes and the brokenness of her voice. He wasn't ready for a second life, and neither was she. Sitting on a boulder to stare at the slow stream, Kohaku was resting on his knee while his other leg dangled to the ground. His sister and brother-in-law were resting for the day since farming duties were complete.

He wasn't sure what made him want to reflect today, but Miroku had been teaching him about meditation and its importance. He tuned him out once he started talking about the shortness and preciousness of life. They seem to forget that his life was taken when he was a boy. He tried to train with Miroku or Sango in the ways of demon slaying, but they seem to forget that Lord Sesshomaru and Kagura were his caretakers after Naraku abandoned him. What was the point in killing demons when there were good ones out there who could experience a change or growth of heart? Kohaku aided Miroku in expelling demons from time to time, but he would eventually give this small job and wage up. He had been questioning its purpose since he started it. He never did like killing. He was good at using weapons and basic survival skills, but he never forgot how frightening in power and appearance that demons were. Running on very little emotion and memory was beneficial to him because Kohaku forgot how to fear. When his second life began, he felt it was a punishment for his cowardice. Kagura, however, said something to him one night that made him become tender.

"Hey, kid, we're leaving," Kagura said in a demanding tone. He didn't question her. He just stood up and walked towards her to follow her. She was thoroughly displeased with this and questioned, "Walk straight! I hate that walk! It's that puppet stagger! It disgusts me!"

He looked at her blankly but did as told. He then said softly, "You should go without me. There's no other way to walk. I step, I move forward. I don't step, I don't move. Naraku doesn't care about how you step, only that you move forward."

"That's a smart line coming from such a young mind," Kagura said, lowering her eyes at him. She turned, approached him, and said, "Puppets don't talk like that. You were a human child once. That jewel shard shouldn't have anything to do with what you were."

"It has plenty to do with it," Kohaku said darkly, alerting Kagura's attention. "I was someone's child once. I accepted life and the world as it was. I played, farmed, learned how to read and write, got bored, whatever is the opposite of a puppet. That's what I was. I became a demon slayer as a boy because demons were terrorizing the land too much and too fast. I didn't know it was for the very jewel lodged in my back. I was afraid of demons, blood, and death. If you're disgusted by a puppet, how do you think I feel knowing I am a demon's tool when I was called to active duty to kill your kind as a child? My potential is a mockery! How am I supposed to feel when my beloved sister, the one person I looked up to and ran to for comfort, is saying that I'm better off dead? That she's not even trying to teach me how to embrace life again the way she did in the past? I'm not walking like your stupid puppet, or whatever remnant of a tool you're looking at. What you're looking at is the walk of a child who has nothing to live for. No matter which life I have to live, death and betrayal are the main themes that seem to want to follow me. I can only hope that you learn something from this broken boy because I'd hate for you to fight and argue for something you're never going to get or understand."

"I thought you'd be a little more resistant," Kagura said after some silence. "But I'll give you one thing. You are wiser than I took you for. No matter what life you live, you are self-aware. Your conscience knows itself better than any being I've come across. You know who you are. Isn't fighting for yourself or your freedom worth living for?"

"That's what gives you life," Kohaku clarified, making Kagura gasp. "I've seen you around that white demon. He's a means to your end. That's why you challenge him or linger around him. I already know what it's like to be free. It is as beautiful as you've dreamt of it being. My freedom was my sister. I strived to be braver so that I could one day protect her and make her sit down for once. I wanted her to be my mother and to live a normal life with me because she was the only one who had the ability to teach me how to love at the right time and how to have grace for the right people. I wanted to know if there were demons like you, who I could show mercy to, and govern myself to stop the killing. Father called it cowardice; my sister called it change."

"I won't ask how it felt seeing someone you love with a sword at your throat, but... do you think anyone would want you to give up just from a misunderstanding?" Kagura asked.

"I believe only in time now," Kohaku answered, walking passed Kagura. He stopped to continue, "People part ways, time passes, and the reunion is bittersweet. Not because you want it to be, but because you have to deal with the fact that things aren't as bright or attractive as they used to be. We're late."

Those thoughts were the truest things he experienced since his resurrection. Kagura softened up around him after that night, spoke to him at length from time to time, and tried to get him to find the beauties of the world again. It didn't change his mind, but it did lighten his mood for a while. He grew confused on her behavior, but he reasoned that she just wanted to know what life was like for him before he became the puppet. Hearing the soft footsteps of his friend, he smirked at the other person who tried to get him to see the beauties of the world. With her, it was easier to rekindle old flames of what the boy in him loved about the world. Kagura could see that being around someone like him was the only way he'd stop being a puppet, so she allowed him to go and watched him regrow. When the two spoke at length again, his voice changed from the apparent gloom to something akin to hopeful. Kohaku wondered if Rin reigniting his sense of adventure and naturalistic views was what pushed Kagura to find a tinge of love with Sesshomaru. He was a lot like her. Cold and unaccepting of him until something in him took great pity on Kohaku. While he was just as grateful for meeting Sesshomaru, he held a bit of dislike for being pitied. He didn't want to be pitied, so he toughened up and became a boy again. He tried to make himself useful to please him.

"Out here again, Haku?" Rin asked, slapping a crown of flowers on his head per her usual and sitting next to him.

"Didn't feel like doing much today," Kohaku replied. "Did your headaches go away? You were dizzy for a while."

"Uh huh," Rin answered, nodding. "I spoke to Lady Kaede about those other kids out there. I don't know how to feel about it."

"What'd she say?" he asked, turning to her.

"She said their caretaker was a doctor, but... that doctor wouldn't hesitate to throw a stranger out or even hurt them. I don't get why a doctor would do that," Rin said. "Killing isn't right and neither is being that protective. She even said Lord Sesshomaru or Lord Inuyasha wouldn't like her if anyone crossed the line. No one's going to do anything bad to them. We're just introducing ourselves and checking to see if they're okay."

"I was curious about the tapestry hanging from that place. It's odd but... I feel like I've seen it before. I can't put my finger on where or why I know it," Kohaku mentioned, scratching his cheek. "But... I don't know. It's something about either the colors or the dragon scale that's on it. I would ask Sango, but she never said anything about it before. I don't wanna bother her about it if she's not bringing it up."

"Think you might've seen it in your old village?" Rin asked.

"Honestly, I think so. I just can't remember where," Kohaku replied, scratching his scalp for a second.

"Y'know, I was wondering if I should build a shrine for my old village. Well, for my family mostly," Rin said, curling up into a ball. "I wanted to tell them that I'm okay and that I had Lord Sesshomaru and Lord Jaken taking care of me. When I got bigger, I had Lady Kaede and everyone else. But..."

"But?" Kohaku probed.

"Well, this is probably a silly thought, but... everyone's kinda doing... their own thing and starting families and stuff already. I get they're older than us, but we're not that much younger than them. I mean, I do want to start a family someday, but I'm not sure if I like how early that'll be. I just started getting the hang of things. Even Lady Kaede's been thinking about some guy she knew in the past! She's super old but has someone. Should I start thinking about kids, too?"

"I'm not a girl, so I don't know how early you start changing for childbirth, but... I do know your life is precious. You were given three chances to live your life the way you want. Don't waste 'em," Kohaku advised. "I'm not thinking about kids anytime soon. There's stuff that I wanna do. Live on my own for a little while is one of them. I love Sango and all, but it's like you said. She's settled on having her own family. I'm not really a big part of that picture these days. Really, I need the time to figure out what I want to do in the future. Building a shrine is a pretty good idea, though. I owe Lord Sesshomaru a decent bit for allowing me to be a child again. Think he'll actually crack a smile if we build a statue in his likeness?"

Rin chuckled then said, "One way to find out!"

"Maybe that's something we can do. Revisit our old homes and pay homage to who we lost but tell them that we're okay," Kohaku said.

"I'd like that," Rin said, looking into the stream to see a school of fish. "Maybe then... I'll know when I'm ready to start my life independently for a while or with a family."