Chp.12: Darbi's true feelings

Misune was somewhat speechless at Darbi's statement. She'd suspected that that would be his answer, but she hadn't expected it to be so firm, confident and almost proud in the final part. She couldn't understand the dragon's emotions: it was as if he were sad about that characteristic of his, but that he wasn't ashamed of it and actually showed it off like a trophy. It was one of the strangest things he had ever seen, and he had seen a lot. "What do you mean, 'someone has to be'?"

"It's my role" Darbi answered. "Everyone has a role, a purpose in this world. And mine is to be an idiot"

Misune was even more confused by those words. "I... I don't think I understand"

"I don't expect you to"

"Well, help me do it! I don't know how to react to your words. I don't know if I should comfort you, support you, yell at you or scold you"

"You don't have to do anything at all. This is my problem, not yours. Just go away and forget about this conversation. Tell Gord I'm fine if he ask"

"I won't do that"

"Damn, why are you so stubborn?"

"Darbi, you always tell Haku that he should talk about his problems. I notice you tell everyone about it. The only one who has never talked about his problems is you. But you want to do it, don't you?"

Misune clearly remembered the expression Darbi wore when she told him he wasn't an idiot. For a brief moment, there had been a hint of happiness, pride and courage on his face, but they had quickly vanished as if the dragon wanted to push those feelings inside himself. This showed that, as much as Darbi tried to make her believe that this situation wasn't a problem for him, it really was. Emotionally, he was likely under great stress. Therefore, she absolutely wanted to find out what the dragon was hiding. "You listened to me once and it helped me. Let me do the same to you. You know I won't say anything you tell me to anyone. Trust me. Let me know the real you"

Darbi seemed to weigh the half-elf's words carefully. It was clear from her look that he meant to refuse, but part of him was wondering if talking to someone instead wasn't a good idea. "Okay" he grumbled after a long thought. "But listen to me carefully, because I won't repeat myself"

Misune nodded and leaned back against the rail again, looking the dragon straight in the eyes, waiting to hear what he had to say to her.

"Everything in this world has a purpose. Animals are born knowing it already, following only their instincts. You newcomers seek it out and learn it throughout your life. We dragons are somewhere between these two worlds; we know many things by instinct , but we are still intelligent enough to question our existence and thus seek purpose" Darbi began to explain. "Ever since I was born, I've always wondered what my purpose would be. I still knew practically nothing about the world, but I liked to imagine my future. I looked at my mother and imagined that one day I would be a dragon as strong as her, whom everyone would respect and admire for his courage and charisma. But I soon realized that there was something wrong with me. I was not like my brothers and sisters. They spent their days studying the surroundings and playing fight to strengthen themselves, because they knew how important those things were. I, on the other hand, quickly got distracted. I was unable to really concentrate. When I tried to study something, I easily lost concentration and started daydreaming. When we fought, instead of doing it as a workout, I did it because I enjoyed it. At the time I didn't pay much attention to it, but years later I realize that those were the first signs. And then, it came the day when I chose to follow Haku on the hunt"

Darbi let out a deep sigh. "When I went out to follow him, I thought that was a sign. Like me, Haku had always been different from the others. He never socialized with us unless he had to, yet there was something in his eyes, a sort of of concern as he looked at us, as if he saw some danger. He had been the first out, and I had followed him. In my mind this must have been the beginning of some great story: the two different of the brood, who are also the strongest and most resourceful, destined to lead the family. I soon realized that this was not the case. Haku far surpassed me in intelligence and easily deceived me, forcing me to serve him. While this was not a bad thing, I he made it clear how big the gap was between the two of us. And then, I found out that Haku's pairing was true when our sisters stopped getting food. He had figured this out long before any of us and had prepared accordingly. I thought that this was due to his extraordinary intelligence, and that deep down I didn't mind him being in charge; I was hoping at least I could become a good sidekick. But when our siblings also started going out, hunting, and then collaborating with us... I realized that I was no different. I was stupid. My intelligence was not like that of others. I was... at a lower level"

"But that's not true!" Misune exclaimed. "Darbi, you can do extraordinarily complex calculations in moments, every conversation with you is enlightening, you can come up with good plans and..."

"Misune, these things are normal for dragons!" Darbi exclaimed. "I know that from the point of view of newcomers, I can be considered a very good thinker. But from the point of view of dragons, I'm not at all! I always figured things out after others and always had to make myself repeat the too complex concepts, I get distracr easy and often I act without thinking, and sometimes I even forgot what I had learned. This isn't normal for dragons. My intelligence is below average, and this is a reality I cannot deny. I have accepted this for a long time"

Misune opened her mouth to answer, but no sound came out of it. In fact this was sadly true: even without considering Haku, dragons were extremely intelligent. Darbi was too, but Misune had actually noticed that sometimes he needed someone to repeat things to him, that he spoke out of turn and that he acted almost on instinct, without thinking what his siblings or his men would think of him. And if he really forget things sometimes… that was problematic, since dragons had photographic memories and remembered everything.

Darbi gave a soft growl. "When I realized I was stupid, I was overcome with despair. I wondered what my place in the world would be, my role in the family. How could I help if I was just an idiot? But then I realized something that changed my pessimistic perception of the situation". Darbi's tone seemed to grow more confident. "Just because I was a bit stupid, everyone liked me. I made them laugh and they loved talking to me. And then they trusted me. Even if they trusted others too, I was the one everyone went to when they wanted to confide something to someone. And to my surprise, I realized that the advice I gave them worked. They didn't solve the problems, but they helped my siblings understand how to do it. I didn't premeditate anything, I just said what was on my mind , and for some reason it seemed to be right. Maybe because I followed my instincts more than most and didn't ask myself too many questions, or maybe for other reasons... but they worked. It was then that I reached a deep awareness and understood what the my role in the family. If my intelligence was below average, then all I had to do was exploit that characteristic of mine. From that moment, I decided that my role would be exactly what I was born with: the idiot". He scratched his muzzle as if it had a great itch. "Every family needs an idiot. They need someone who always keeps their spirits up, who is entertaining, who everyone can confide in and who, even without meaning to, gives the right advice. I chose to play that role and the I embraced her in her entirety, and it worked.Haku was the one who planned our future, everyone else followed suit each fulfilling their role, and I walked to the back of the line making sure the family was always happy and no problems would arise. That's how I managed to make Haku understand his mistakes: speaking to him only instinctively and without thinking much... and maybe I should have done it sooner, but unfortunately, since I'm just an idiot, I didn't understand the problem until it didn't manifest. And then I helped my family understand that they didn't have to keep running away. And I helped you too. And other things too... it would take too long to list everything, but I've gotten this far because of my role. I'm an idiot, and I'm glad of it"

Misune was speechless. She had thought that Darbi considered himself inferior to his siblings, and indeed he was, and perhaps he suffered a little from it... but otherwise, he hadn't let himself be discouraged by it, on the contrary he had transformed his weakness into a point of strength. Instead of trying to meld to a level of intelligence he knew he couldn't achieve, he had used his characteristics to fill a role that many would have called unworthy, but which had instead been extremely important to that family of dragons. Now Misune understood why Darbi was so good at reading people: perhaps his 'low' intelligence had favored a more sociable demeanor, but most of his ability came from the fact that he had spent his entire life cheering up his siblings and listening to their problems. "You are an ivy" she whispered.

Darbi didn't understand. "What?"

"Haku is like a huge oak that with its branches try to cover everyone to protect them from the rain, and your other siblings are like fifteen strong trees that grow around the oak tree and help it support its massive crown with their their branches" Misune explained. "But you... you are like an ivy that grow and wrap itself around all the other trees and connect all of them to each other. A very small plant compared to the trees or even the imposing oak, but which without it to hold the whole formation together would probably collapsed under its own weight. An ivy that is doomed to remain small and shadowy, barely noticed even by the very trees it hold together, but which fill one of the most important roles of all"

Darbi looked dazed, then he gave a small smile. "Well… that's a nice metaphor. Thank you" he said, then his smile faded. "But there are also times when I've taken my role as an idiot too seriously and done silly things, putting others in danger as well. And this is one of those times. Because of me, Rhaegal is now a prisoner and I don't know what it's happening to him. If only I'd been smarter, if I'd read the situation better, if I'd tried to think about the consequences of my actions… but as usual, I didn't. It hasn't even slipped my mind that maybe what I was doing would have had repercussions and someone could have gotten hurt. This time I screwed up… because I'm an idiot after all"

"However, no one ever said that you can't make mistakes, right? Come on, Haku has made worse ones from what I understand, yet you all love him. You will see that you will overcome even this difficult moment and you will laugh about it in the future" Misune said, and then she put a hand on his scaly paw. "And also… stop calling your role 'the one of the idiot'. Find another name, because you're not an idiot. You're not stupid at all, you're just… different. And you have a big heart, so great that you have chosen to play a very humiliating role for the sake of your family. Of course, you will have made mistakes from time to time, but that is not important. What matters is that you are not an idiot and I don't want you to refer to yourself like that"

Darbi gave her a look somewhere between flattered and doubtful. "If I'm not an idiot, then what am I?"

"You are one of the most selfless and courageous people I know" Misune replied. "There are few who would have chosen to fill your role. You really are a good dragon, as you told the children... much better than even I imagined"

Darbi's eyes widened slightly, and Misune was sure she saw a strange light inside them. After that he turned around and rested his head on the deck of the ship. Realizing that the dragon now really wanted to be left alone, and thinking that she had done enough for just one day, Misune got to her feet. "I think I should go and inform Gord that you're fine. I'm sure he's freaking out by now. Between you and Tzegorn, I don't know which of you is worrying him more" she said, and she walked away, leaving Darbi alone.