Chapter 44

Napakurap ako sa kanya, hindi pa din makapaniwala sa box na hawak nya at sa singsing na kumikinang sa harap ko. I was too surprised and over whelmed to respond immediately.

I only knew that I felt my tears from falling. He panicked and standing up to gave me a hugged. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako umiiyak at kung ano ang mararamdaman ko doon. O felt like It was too early to propose to me.

"We're still not okay, hindi pa ako okay." I almost whispered at the same time, confused.

Pilit nyang pinapatahan ako. "Hey it's okay, no pressure. I just wanted to show you how much I love you until now. My love for you is literally true and I can marry you and love you permanently."

But we're still not yet healed.

Iyon ang gusto kong sabihin pero hindi ko magawa. Ayokong masira ang araw nyang pag po propose sa akin. I'm still too overwhelmed and surprised by his questions.

Habang pauwi ay tahimik lang kaming dalawa sa sasakyan. I know that he's not disappointed from me not saying anything when he asked but I slightly disappointed to myself.

It's not yet the right time to tied a knot with him. I still don't want to marry him because of me. We're not getting younger, yes. But I know what should I need to do first.

"I'm sorry." Iyon ang unang lumabas sa bibig ko habang nasa byahe kami pauwi.

"It's fine." He almost whispered.

Tinignan ko sya na dapat hindi ko na lang ginawa nang makita kong dumaan ang sakit sa mata nya. He felt rejected. I looked away to avoid my guilt.

"If I say yes, things will be happen so fast. We literally happy at first, but we will just destroy at each other in the end if we're still not yet healed from the trauma. Sorry, iyon ang iniisip ko at iyon ang gusto kong maayos muna natin para sa sarili natin. Sorry, kung mas pinapangunahan ko ang desisyon mo. Ayoko lang ulit sumubok nang hindi pa ako buo, nang hindi pa tayo buo ulit. I don't want to hurt or suffer like what you did to me, long years ago. I'll be always saying that to you."

Pilit kong pinapakalma ang sarili ko habang pinapaliwanag sa kanya ang gusto kong mangyari.

Ilang minuto ang katahimikan nang tumigil ang sasakyan dahil sa stop light. "At least you'll accept these box and I'll be okay with it. Kahit ito na lang, o kahit sabihin na lang natin na niregalo ko sa'yo."

I stared at the shiny box. Kinuha ko iyon at binuksan ulit. I stared at the ring and I can feel my emotions flowing.

"Wear it, if you're ready to marry me. That's all I can do." He said after driving again.

I went home after that and after saying thanks and good bye to him. I was crying inside on my room. Feeling disappointed to myself. This was my dream, to have a man who will love me til the end and willing to marry me forever. But now, all I could do is to cry. I can't stop crying because after all those years I spent time being alone and suffering. The love for me was so complicated and blurr. I almost forgot how to love again because of him.

Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulugan ko na ang pag iyak. Nagising na lang ako sa mga ingay sa baba. Kaya naman bumangon na ako at nag hilamos at toothbrush bago bumaba.

"Good morning! Pinagluto na kita nang agahan sis." Masiglang bati ni Irish at nakangiti sya sa akin.

Napapansin kong lumalaki na ang tyan nya at nakikita na kahit naka suot sya nang maluwag na damit.

"Bakit ka nandito? Nasaan ang asawa mo?" Tanong ko sa kanya. Hindi pa sya nakakapag salita nang matanaw namin sa living room ang dalawang lalaki. Si Israel at France.

She laughed when she saw my reaction. "Mukhang kailangan mo ng kasama kaya nandito kami. Mukhang umiyak kapa yata kagabi ah, anong nangyari?" Maingat na tanong nya at nakita ko ka agad ang pag aalala sa mata nya.

"Wala yon, may pino problema lang ako sa trabaho, pero naayos ko naman na." Pagsisinungaling ko. Ayokong masama sya sa problema ko. Tama na iyong noon. Lalo na't buntis sya, ayoko din syang ma i stress pra sa akin, lalo na kung kaya ko naman gawan nang paraan.

Hindi na lang sya nag salita at sinabayan akong kumain. Tinanong ko pa ang dalawang mag kaibigan na nag uusap sa living room pero ang sabi nya ay nauna na daw ang dalawa.

Naka tatlong ulit pa sya kaya mas natagalan syang natapos kaysa sa akin. Lumalakas na din daw ang kain nya dahil mag thi-third tremester na daw sya.

"Ako nang magliligpit, magpahinga kana dyan." Inunahan ko na sya bago pa maka tayo. Sumimangot sya pero tumango na lang.

Habang naghuhugas nang plato ay narinig ko ang papalapit na boses ng dalawang lalaki.

"Love, let's go to the garden, you need some fresh air." Dinig kong sambit ni Israel kay Irish kaya naman nagpaalam sya sakin.

"Can we talk?" France asked after finished washing the dishes.

Nilingon ko naman sya at tumango. Nagpunta pa kami nang living room para doon mag usap. Magka tapat kami nang umupo sya sa nag iisang upuan.

"How are you too?" Paninimula nya. Hindi agad ako naka sagot dahil hindi ako naging handa sa ganoong topic.

I avoid his eyes and maybe, he realized that the topic is still sensitive to me. Sino bang hindi? Mahal ko pa din naman yung tao pero mas kailangan ko munang unahin iyong sarili ko.

"Okay lang. Magulo pa din." Sinubukan kong sagutin ang tanong nya bago nya pa ako pigilan.

He was surprised when I answered his questions. Ok lang naman sa akin, alam ko na kaibigan din nga iyong pinag uusapan namin dito, baka kailangan din nya malaman ang sa akin para maintindihan nya ang pinagdadaanan namin.

"I heard he was proposing you yesterday," Nagulat ako doon at napatingin sa kanya. Did he tell his friends about yesterday I rejected him? "Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to blame you. Naiintindihan ko ang parehong pinag dadaanan nyo. And you choose correctly to think of yourself first. Walang masama ang isipin ang sarili muna."

He gave me an assuring smile like he understand the both sides.

"Pasensya na." Iyon ang unang lumabas na salita galing sa akin kaya nagulat sya. "Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko ba syang mahalin ulit habang hindi pa ako totally healed. I just don't want to feel overwhelmed and come back to him again. Marami pang panahon at oras para magawa namin iyon. I just realized that it's not wrong to choose myself first before him. But the thought of him hurting because of me, parang gusto ko nang saktan ang sarili ko dahil sa ginawa ko. Hindi ko naman sinasadya iyon at hindi rin ako gumaganti, ayoko lang yung kapag tinanggap ko na ulit sya sa buhay ko at ang huli noon ay magsisisihan o magsusumbatan kami dahil sa mga ginawa nya ay masisira lang ulit kami." Hindi ko na namalayan na umiiyak na pala ako sa harap nya.

"I wanted to bad to say yes but half of it was thinking about myself. Maybe, the right time will come and I'll say yes to him without thinking of ourselves because of the trauma, but because of our power of love. Not now. I still don't want. I wanted to move forward first and accept everything before I let him in, in my life again."

"I understand, and I'm sorry for opening up your wound again Krish. I was like that before and now, I still regret everything I did to Chloe. Kung hindi lang din sana ako naduwag noon at isinakripisyo ang pagka kaibigan namin ay hindi na sya masasaktan pa sa akin." He said and looked at me. I saw his pain in his eyes like he's not yet fully move on to my best friend.

"I just wanted you to realize the things. But I know you that you will choose correctly and wisely. You both still love at each other. But at the same time, talk to him and let him know your point of view Krish. Mas mahirap at. Mas masakit ang magtiis at maghintau nang walang ka alam alam. Let him know, and I know that he'll understand. I just don't want you both to end up like me. That's what I wanted to say." He stoold up and tapped my shoulder before walking away.

I left crying alone when my phone ring. Mas lalo ko lang yata gusto maiyak nang makita ko ang pangalan nyang tumatawag sa cellphone ko.

I answer his call.

[Krish, can we meet? I just wanted to tell you something.] I can feel that he was serious.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan. I was starting to overthink that maybe, he changed his mind to marry me and wanted me to gave it back his ring? Iniisip ko pa lang ay nasasaktan na ako at gusto ko na lang bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko.

"Saan?" Matagal bago amo maka sagot.

[At the coffee shop. I'll be there at 5.]

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nahintay ang ilang oras na natitira. Mabilisan akong naligo at nag ayos. Kinuha ko ang box nang sing sing at nilagay iyon sa pursed ko.

I looked at the clock and the time flew so fast. Pabilis nang pabilis ang tibok nang puso ko habang bumababa nang hagdan dahil nag text syang nandoon na sya. I took a deep breath before stepping outside of the house and saw him seriously.

Mas lalo lang akong kinabahan sa itsura nya. He has no comment with my dress but it was fine. Pinagbuksan nya ako nang pinto sa passenger seat at umikot naman sya sa driver seat.

Mukhang kaka galing lang nya nang trabaho at dito sya dumeretso. Hindi na ako mapakali habang nag di drive sya dahil gusto ko nang malaman ang sasabihin nya.

"Anong gusto mong pag usapan?" Sinubukan kong mag tanong sa kabila nang katahimikan sa loob ng sasakyan.

Lumingon sya sakin saglit bago tumingin sa harapan.

"About us."

To be continued...