Broken

"WHY ARE YOU NEVER THERE? YOU IGNORE ME ALL THE TIME AND ONLY TRAIN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU NEVER THERE FOR ME?", Isa screamed at me. 

That was the first time.

"...", I didn't know how to answer. She was right. I was never there. I trained the whole time. I focused only on football. 

"Looks like you already know it. DON'T CONTACT ME ANYMORE", she screamed while crying and running out of the house.

I stood there for a few minutes just staring. 

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH", I laughed manically. 

In my previous life, whenever I loved something it got destroyed. I hated contact due to that. I suppressed it all in this life hoping to build something new. No. Haha. I lost it all again. The first time I put everything I had into someone again, I lost it all. 

On that day I used the wine cellar of my house for the first time, and I started drinking. What else could I do? I was pathetic. I lost it all. AGAIN. AGAIN. AND AGAIN.

After that day, I stopped smiling. I stopped caring about myself. Only training, drinking, and showering. 

My teammates were worried about me, but I kept it hidden well enough.

With this, the Summer went over like nothing. It didn't feel like summer, but more like death.

Going to one of the first friendlies. I was subbed in. I looked very unkempt, not shaving my beard, not doing my hair. At that game, the media started conspiring about what happened to me and how it may affect me.

But the worst was yet to come.

Then in a friendly at Arsenal, something happened.

I started as usual. 

The game went on as usual and I was suddenly subbed off. I had a very bad feeling. I was feeling so fucking nauseos, but didn't feel the need to vomit. A very strange feeling.

Kovac patted me on my shoulder, hugged me, and said something I will never forget in my whole life.

"Max. Be strong. You need to go back to Munich as soon as possible"

"What? What happened?", I asked him very confused. Having a bad feeling I asked again, more aggressive.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!!! TELL ME!", I started getting louder.

He didn't talk.

"TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED RIGHT NOW", I started pushing him and screaming at him. I felt like I would pass out any second from that moment on.

The media filmed all this. They wondered what happened.

Bayern coaches and players tried to hold me and calmed me down.

After getting me into the player channel they told me what happened.

"Max, I'm sorry. Your parents were in a car accident. Their condition is unstable. We don't know if they will survive this"

It went all dark in front of me. I passed out. 

HAHAHAHAH.

The universe hated me. I knew it. Everything I ever loved or tried to attach anything to will perish. 

Soon after I woke up. I immediately stepped into the nearest car. An assistant coach helped me. His name was Hansi Flick. He helped me with everything. Getting the fastest flight and going to the Hospital.

Arriving at the hospital and seeing my parents there, I almost couldn't stand it and almost passed out again.

I didn't know what death felt like, but it was a better feeling than this for sure.

"They will survive, Max. They will", my grandpa told me. His expression was also miserable.

I spent the whole night in the hospital. 

Suddenly while sleeping on the side of the bed I heard a voice. 

"Max, dear. We are sorry. Please live your life to the fullest and fulfill your dreams."

I immediately woke up and heard some strange sounds.

"Patients 243 and 244 are having heavy internal bleeding. We need an infusion immediately", I saw doctors coming in and helping my parents.

In the end, nothing helped. I saw my parents dying in front of me.

The days afterward were horrible. I sat in my house and just drank. I was only going out of the house once. That was for the funeral of them both.

Some people tried to contact me like Isa, my aunt, my grandpa, and some teammates, but I told everyone I was fine and just turned my phone off.

After around 2 weeks I went back to Bayern to train. I didn't even bother to hide it and never smiled or did anything. Just trained. Bayern offered me days off, but I didn't accept.

My whole life consisted of waking up, training, eating, drinking, sleeping, and waking up again.

My whole life was getting out of control and I started to have suicidal thoughts.

Lucky for me someone noticed this.

In these few weeks, I heard three sentences I will never forget. Them being

"Max. Be strong. You need to go back to Munich as soon as possible", from Kovac.

"Max, dear. We are sorry. Please live your life to the fullest and fulfill your dreams.", the voices in my dream.

And at last something Neuer told me after everyone left the training ground.

He confronted me and screamed at me, he even hit me.

It all started as a common conversation would.

I wanted to go back and start to drink again, but Neuer stopped me.

"Max, I need to talk to you about something"

I just nodded.

"Do you have suicidal thoughts?", he asked shaking a bit.

I didn't answer.

He took my arms, forced me to look into his eyes, and shouted at me.

"ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW. DO YOU HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS?!"

I still didn't answer him.

He slapped me suddenly.

I looked him into his eyes and he started shouting louder than before.

"DON'T DO THIS. WHAT WOULD YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU. WOULD THEY WANT YOU TO LIVE LIKE THIS? DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS? THINK OF THEM. I ONCE HAD A GOOD FRIEND WHO KILLED HIMSELF. I DIDN'T NOTICE IT AND BLAMED MYSELF. I DON'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS AGAIN. PLEASE. PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID", he shouted with everything he had.

Some staff started to notice something and came.

After that, I went back home. I didn't drink this time but started to think the whole night.

I took the next day off and went to the barber to get a new haircut.

With this, everything will be changed. I will fulfill my dreams for my parents.

___________________________________

I am sorry for making such a sad chapter.

Here is a photo of his haircut. He will look like post-world Cup Havertz.

As for the friend of Neuer. He was a german goalkeeper who killed himself. Robert Enke. It was a shock for Germany when it was announced that he killed himself.