Chapter 1: What the fuck is a Chaldea?

I do not think of myself as someone out of the ordinary.

It's not like I am a very boring person though. But not really someone you look twice at in a crowd. If you picked someone from a crowd they would be as likely to be more interesting than me than they are to be less interesting.

I am Noah White. age 20, 5'10ft tall in freedom units or 177cm. I am not very muscular as I do not work out that much, that being said I am not very fat nor skinny. I work as a cook at a fairly reputable cafe and have good pay, I pay my taxes one leg at a time just like everyone else. Good enough to afford a cosy apartment and be able to afford to splurge on my hobbies.

I moved out of my parent's house after finishing high school which I started quite early and didn't go to college. My father is out of the picture and my mother died of a heart attack while my father was not really the most caring person so we grew apart after a while.

Though I say these, I am not a social recluse. In fact, I have a decent amount of friends I semi-frequently go out with not out of social obligations. I would not consider myself an extrovert but on the other hand, I am also not an introvert.

Never really had a serious relationship. I went on several dates before but the girls just seemed uninterested. One girl I went out with just used me for a free meal. Another one ghosted me after the date. The last one was just plain awkward. I have largely given up on romance.

On the contrary, however, I do play and watch a lot of romcom games and anime. I would not consider myself a weeaboo or a nerd but I do sink quite a lot of time into them. My favourite hobby however is reading novels.

Never really got too into fate or nasuverse stuff to be honest. Sure I watched some of the anime and read through the wikis since it seemed interesting, also tried playing FGO but it didn't really stick with me.

Why is that tidbit important enough to be mentioned exactly? 

Oh, boy is it important.

Flash forward a bit and I was out drinking with my friends. Just having fun, enjoying ourselves, relaxing after a hard day's work, complaining about the difficulties in our lives, that kind of stuff. One of the highlights of my day.

As I drank like an elephant one of my friends had to call a cab for me to go home. But while I was going home with the taxi and begrudgingly chatting with the driver who decided to be rather talkative I suddenly noticed a car driving the wrong way.

But the driver noticed too late and the cars met front to front. The last thing I remember was the brief but excruciating pain as the front panel of the car compressed into me and crushed me.

After that, everything went black. I am at least 80% sure I died, the other 20% is that I am in a coma or something.

Well, that was before I felt something.

.

..

...

..

.

'Is something licking my cheek? I am fairly sure I don't have a dog or a car unless I kidnapped a random street critter in a drunken haze. Or even worse a random street critter kidnapped me.'

"Fou? Kyuu... Kyuu?"

"Fou! Fou... Fou."

I managed to open my eyes ever so slightly to see a... cat? dog? rabbit? Thing licking my cheek and looking at me with a puzzled expression somehow. Then I felt a finger poke my ribs. After a bit of nudging from something or someone, I managed to pry my eyes open and saw who they were.

A beautiful young woman with short lilac hair, lavender eyes, and fair skin. With a fairly athletic figure. She wore rectangular frame glasses, a grey hoodie over a black shirt over a white-collar shirt, a red tie bearing an insignia I don't recognize, a black skirt and tights, and brown shoes.

"Um... Since it is neither day nor night please wake up, senpai." Said the lilac-haired girl as my confusion grew. Why did she say senpai? Am I in hell? Is hell an anime or Weaboo convention or something? And why can I understand Japanese? What is with the fucked up dog?

"Uhh, who are you and where am I?" As far as I could see I was in some high-tech corridor place and some squirrel creature was repeatedly bumping against my head. I didn't even have a hangover, I only felt tired like someone would after sleeping on a hard surface.

It really felt like a fever dream right now, maybe I was having dying hallucinations? Why would my dying hallucinations be about an anime convention?

"That's a hard question to answer suddenly. Maybe I'm not important enough for you to know my name? No, I do have a name. I have a proper name. But I never really had the chance to use it… I'm afraid I don't leave a good first impression… But as for where we are that's simple, This is the passageway from the front gate to the Central Command Room, which is in front of the Main Chaldea Gate."

The girl looked very sullen when I asked her name for some reason as I was supposed to already know who she was, I wanted to apologize but I had severely more important things on my schedule.

What the fuck is a Chaldea?

"...Ahem. Anyway, can I ask you a question, Senpai? You were asleep, but I don't see why you'd sleep in the hall. Can you not sleep unless you're on a hard bed?"

Before I could ask anything else she asked first. Rubbing my head I spoke.

"Was I really sleeping there?" Did I get hit so hard that my soul and body transcended space-time and ended up here or something? 

"Yes, like a log. It was such a deep sleep, it was almost textbook. Why did you decide to sleep here senpai? Don't you have your own room?"

"Trust me, if I knew I would tell you." And that's when I felt repeated bumping against my stomach and saw the squirrel rat fox things jumping up and down on my stomach.

"Fou! Fou! Fou!" Not knowing how to interact with such a creature and not knowing how to appease its desires I decided to just simply pat its furry head which seemed to appease the wants of the cute creature as it leaned into my touch.

This is the goddam cutest squirrel, bunny, fox, cat, ferret, and whatever else this thing is.

"...I completely forgot. I still haven't introduced you yet, have I, Fou? This squirrel-like creature is Fou. He's a Privileged Life-Form allowed to freely walk around Chaldea. Fou led me here, and that's how I ran into you, Senpai."

"Fou! Fou. Mmkyu, Fou!" The creature, having seemingly reached satisfaction hopped off from me and scuttled away to god knows where.

What a fucked up squirrel.

"...What a whimsical little creature." 

"Yes, Fou does indeed act rather willfully most of the time and doesn't like to approach anyone other than me. Ah, but he seems to like you senpai."

As I was about to reply I started to hear some light clapping as someone approached. With how things seemed to be going I would be impressed if I got to speak a sentence of my volition.

The man who approached us was a...

Circus ring leader? A pimp? A leprechaun? Honestly, this guy was dressed for every shady job in existence simultaneously. I feel like if I followed him I would either be led to a pot of gold under a rainbow or a human trafficking ring.

He was a tall Aryan man wearing a green fur coat with a purple tie, a similar green top hat, and wore baggy black clown pants, and tall black boots. 

I pity the bear he skinned in order to use its pelt in place of a hair. I bet he is going bald under that too.

"Congratulations. It seems you have become the second caretaker of Fou in Chaldea. Ah, there you are, Mash. That won't do, you know, wandering about without permission… Oh, someone's already with you? You're… I see… The rookie who just got assigned here."

Rookie? Caretaker? Permission? Rookie? Assigned? My brother in Christ I just got hit by a car and ended up here what the fuck are you on about? 

Oh so her name is Mash. Like potato Mash? That is a wild thing to name your child after.

"Umm, who are you exactly?" I would have said who are you clown but I feel like that would be unreasonably rude. I can't just assume his job like that, he could still be a pimp or 3 leprechauns in a coat too.

"I'm Lev Lainur, one of the technicians employed here. And your name is?"

I refuse to believe a guy dressed as the lovechild between a shady circus leader and a clown pimp managed to get employed as an electrician. I wouldn't trust a guy that looks like that to change my lightbulb let alone be a technician.

Hell- he looks like the one who would CAUSE the electrical problems in the first place. Does this place not have a dress code or anything? Or at least a brush so that this Guy's hair doesn't look like a worn toilet brush? 

"It's... Noah." 

"Hmm, Noah. So you're the last of the 48 candidates. Welcome to Chaldea. I'm glad you're here. I heard you were selected out of many public applicants, how long was your training? A year? 6 months? 3 months?"

Hmm yes. Of course that training. The training to become a candidate yes. Of course, the training that applicants go through, of course, I went through that. Yes of course I did. Of course, I am one of the 48 candidates that applied yes public applicant yes of course I went through training. How would I be here if I didn't go through the of course training of course?

What the fuck is Chaldea in the first place pimp-man!?

"What is even Chaldea anyway? And what candidates?"

Hearing my words both Lev and Mash deadpanned to me as if I was the strange one here and not the girl with the pink hair and the sinister pimp.

"Oh, this is... unprecedented. Did you not even read the application you filled out?"

"What application are you even talking about? I just woke up here."

"Well, that's unexpected, do you really not know anything? You are registered in the database of master candidates. Maybe you just didn't read the applications? You are a public applicant so I guess this shouldn't be too much of a surprise."

"There are 48 potential master applicants, 38 Elite Magus, and 10 talented public applicants. Somehow after all of the possible candidates were gathered we brought all candidates capable of Spiritron Dives to Chaldea. And you are one of them, that's something to rejoice over. Please don't be discouraged because you are a public applicant, the director's orientation will start so that should fill you in on what you need to know. If you have any questions in the meantime you can direct them to Mash."

...What.

Magus? Spriritron Dive? Director? These sound... familiar, along with Pimp and Mash over there.

And it clicked. The realization dawned on me.

Isn't this... that one gacha game I played that one time?

!Bonus Chapter at 1000 Power Stones!

A/N: I could not help myself, I have wanted to write a Fate fanfic for a long time but it never clicked until now. What do you guys think about this start? I would love to hear your thoughts about it, especially the MC.

Be sure to comment and tell me your thoughts about it, your comments and interactions really help motivate me to write more.