Redemption Through Regret

I have always considered myself a knockout, I have always been the most confident girl I know regardless of my skin condition. I have vitiligo, it sprung out from the earliest age of my life so I have been living with it for as long as I can remember. I come a long way with it and at some point, in my life I had the toughest time dealing with the fact that I have a disease that peels off my skin, leaving blotches around my body. My middle forehead down to my chin is white, well peeled off. I had to deal with the stigma around it. I never got to have friends during elementary school well up until junior high. People avoided me thinking I might infect them. I don't blame them though, there wasn't much of knowledge about it back them. I got mocked a lot too, they used to call me "Nairobi-the-moo-moocow". It wasn't easy waking up every day to school to face people calling you a cow. Sometimes I would feel like not going to school at all, but my parents couldn't home school me because they were both working and again, they couldn't afford me a tutor. My mother used to work as teacher at the crummy school few blocks away from our house and my dad was a chauffeur at the prestigious hotel until one guest noticed his good service and hired him as his personal chauffeur and he had been working two jobs since then. They did make ends meet and made sure we were happy. But affording a tutor would have been impossible for them. Being around that negativity in my life made me hate myself. I didn't feel beautiful, and I never felt sense of belonging at school. I have always felt different like they put it out there for me. I also didn't have any self-esteem, I always isolated myself and I was the quietest person everyone knew. But that changed when I met my best friend, Melissa. She's a cracker, the loudest and most loyal person I know. She stood up for me and protected me like I was her baby sister. She changed my perspective about myself. She instilled confidence in me and I was able to love myself. She pretty much helped build the me I have become these past few years. My condition is incurable, and she would always say it's an incurable uniqueness. It has been some years and I had thought that I was finally over my insecurities but what I saw few days ago took me back to my dark past. I felt like I wasn't enough that there was something missing with me. Otherwise, why would my boyfriend cheat on me? I was in my room with a tub of ice cream in my hands and a box of tissue beside me. Ever since I saw James with that girl, that scene never leaves my mind, it's always there with me and the more it plays on my head, it's more heart broken I get. It's not easy dealing with the pain caused by someone you love. I pulled out a sheet of Kleenex and wiped my tears. My sister knocked once then let herself in. Her: oh, this is what you're doing while hiding in here huh? Me: Debby not now please. Her: truth is you were ignorant; how can you apply for school and forget about the scholarship? Me: Debra I really don't need this right now. Her: I know I mean you can't undo it I get it but what's your plan? I shrugged my shoulders. Her: Harvard is a tough school, maybe you should consider going to community college, they aren't tough. They might understand your stupidity of forgetting about scholarship and give you a chance and I hear they also extend their application period because they know there is a lot of you out there. Me: Jesus Debby do you have a heart? Do you ever stop for a second to think of what you say? Her: baby sis I do care about you. Me: but my feeling! Do you have any idea how hard I have worked throughout the year to secure space in Harvard? So, you just want me to just forget about it like it's nothing? Do you know how proud mom and dad are that I got in? Her: I get that but it's not enough Nairobi! You can't go to Harvard if you don't have money! It doesn't matter how proud mom and dad are! It's useless just like winning money at the casino but you can't keep it, you must give it for charity. That sense of pride and happiness is there but your hands are empty!! It's just useless! I put the tub away and sobbed. Her: crying won't help! And you are more than welcome to come work with me at the flower shop. I felt like she had just taken a knife and stabbed me right at the heart. It hurt that I won't be able to live up to my expectations because of my ignorance. I had dipped my head in the mud running a good race, but I couldn't see the finish line. Her: it is what it is sis. It's life.... It happens. You think being a mom, earning peanuts at that flower shop was on my bucket list after graduating from high school? No! I also had dreams, I was ambitious and aimed high but that alone didn't take me anywhere. Me: but I'm not you! I won't just give up on my dreams like that. Her: I didn't just give up! Life knocked me down. Me: but you decided to stay down forever... You still had chance in life well I think you still do. Nothing is impossible! Her: oh yeah? Nothing is impossible. Let's see how you are going to go to Harvard without scholarship! Nothing is impossible right? Mind you mom and dad can't get a loan, dad being a sole breadwinner! Nothing is impossible sis. Again, she was right even though she laid it out in a most inhumane way. A call came through my phone, it was an unknown number. So, I picked it up. Me: hello... " Hey Robi it's me "I aborted the call, it was James. I had blocked him in all my socials and his number too on my phone. Me: just leave me alone!! I said throwing the phone away. Debby: who was that? Me: James. Her: your James? Me: not in the moment. Her: what happened? Me caught him with another girl. Her: damn!! So, what happened after? Me: had been icing him out since then. Her: good, you must never get back together with him. I never liked him anyway. Piece of shit! A piece of shit! Yes, but my piece of shit. He hurt me but I loved him still. The school part hurt but James hurt more. I was angry with him, but I knew I wasn't going to be angry at him forever. ------------James Nairobi had been ignoring my calls and she had blocked me on her socials. You know sometimes it takes losing someone or something to realize how much they meant to you and how special they were. I took that girl for granted and I admit I was a jerk. I bought flowers and went to her house. I saw her mother going out and her sister and father are at work. I knocked on the door and I'm just few seconds I heard footsteps nearing by. The door swung open and when she saw it was me, she attempted to close it, but I blocked it with my shoe. Me: Robi please.... Her: I don't want to talk to you, see you nor breathe the same air with you. Me: listen I know I'm a jerk and I don't deserve you, but Nairobi I love you...Her: did you think of that before humping another girl? Me: what I did was wrong I know... Can you please let me in, so we talk? Please... She stopped to think for a moment then she swayed aside and made a room for me to enter. I forwarded the flowers to her. She took them and put them in the water in a vase. Me: listen I have no excuse for what I did I was an ass hole.... I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Her: I caught you with a girl bumping on top of you like a ball now you tell me... How is that forgivable!? Me: I'm sorry... Her: you really hurt me J... Right now, I feel like I'm not enough... Am I not enough? I walked up to her and held her hands. Me: you are enough... You're everything I can ever wish for... I love you so much. I took a leap of faith and leaned for a kiss, thankfully she responded. I couldn't read her, so I didn't know how much angry she was. I felt a great relief when she responded. I pulled her closer and tightened up my grip on her body. She broke the kiss and yanked herself from me. Her: don't push it, you're on probation... Me: oh, come on. She laughed. Me: right and I promise you, I will do anything in my power to regain your trust. Her: shut up... Aah I got in at Harvard. Me: that's great babe well done!! Her: yeah, but only I can't go. Me: why not? Her: I didn't apply for a scholarship and it's too late so... Me: oh, baby I'm sorry.... Is there anything I can do? She shook her head and gulped Her glass of milk down. It really pained me to see her that down and I really felt awful that cheated and ended more pain to her. But I promised that I would do anything to regain her trust, and this is it. Me: babe I must go. Her: but you just got here. Me: yeah... I'll call you later. I kissed her on the cheek then made my way out.