Day 1: Emotionless

Since childhood, I have always known that there was something wrong with me. Unlike other kids, I was never able to properly convey or show my emotions as easily as others did.

At least that is my go-to excuse whenever someone notices this strange aspect of myself. But in fact, what I'm trying so desperately to hide is that I don't even feel any emotions to begin with, let alone hide them.

Of course, I'm not some type of robot. I do have emotions; it's just that I so rarely feel them that I end up forgetting about their existence.

I usually have to experience something really shocking for me to actually feel something. Some of the rare occasions where I felt something that come to mind were when my only sister, who's older than me, got married. I could've sworn before her marriage that I never felt any type of kinship towards her, yet when it was time for her to say goodbye and go with her husband, my eyes still got wet for some reason.

It was only after many days of contemplating that I was able to identify that strange phenomenon that took place. I was feeling what other people describe as being "sad." Don't ask me; I still, to this day, don't understand why being "sad" would make my eyes go wet.

Another instance where I felt an emotion was when I was told by my parents that my cousin passed away in an accident. It took them almost an hour of talking before they nervously told me in the most gentle way possible. What a waste of time that was. I mean, people die all the time; it's just how things are meant to be. After all, we are all going to die someday.

Anyway, back then I didn't feel any particular emotion. It was only after a few months during a family gathering at my grandmother's house that I felt something. The little kid who would always follow me around was not there. He wasn't there to mess with my food, nor was he there to steal my phone to play games on it. It was as if something was missing. No, not something, but someone. It was my cousin who passed away a few months ago. It was during that fleeting moment that I felt a new emotion: I "missed" my cousin.

As you may have noticed from the previous examples, it isn't very easy for me to experience what other people experience on a daily basis. In fact, after reflecting on all the times when I felt something, I can't help but notice that most of the emotions I felt so far are negative. So I always hoped that I'd never feel anything for the rest of my life.

So, where the fuck did everything go wrong?

Today was supposed to be like any other day. I wake up, brush my teeth, have breakfast, and embark on a new journey, a new phase of my life.

In case you still haven't noticed, I'm not the emotional kind of person, so I've always struggled with what to do in the future since I never had any particular strong desires or dreams. But I have finally found something to do that I don't mind doing.

I'm going to become a teacher. It took a lot of time contemplating my choices as well as all the options available before I finally decided on this occupation. Some of the criteria I took into consideration were the relatively high salary compared to other options, as well as the long vacation, with the latter being the main reason.

After finally deciding on what to do with my life, it wasn't that difficult to achieve it. After going through a written and a spoken exam, I was admitted to CRMEF, the center where teachers receive their education, at the top of my class.

So after going through my daily routine, I took a taxi then the tram to finally reach CRMEF after a long journey of crowded public transportation. Although everything is a new experience to me, I don't feel any excitement whatsoever.

I calmly get off the tram, which luckily is situated right next to CRMEF's entrance, and make my way toward the space where the list of all the accepted future teachers is hung along with their timetables and class numbers. Something that grabbed my attention was the fact that they divided the teachers into classes based on their scores in the exams, and with me being among the top, I was naturally allocated to class 1.

While checking the list, another thing grabbed my attention. It was the name of a future teacher who is supposed to be in the same class as me, which means they are at least somewhat intelligent. But intelligence wasn't what grabbed my attention; it was the funny name instead. It was even funny enough for me to show a half smile on my face, a truly rare occasion.

I take it as a sign that today is going to be another nice emotionless day, just how I like it. But boy, was I wrong.