19. Chapter 19

"Does that count?" she whispers, then blushes when she hears how thin and breathless she sounds.

"Kate, love, if you have to ask, I didn't do it right." He presses his lips to hers, too much.

Kate chuckles into his mouth and curls against him, shivering as her sweat cools in the night air. "All too right," she breathes.

"Still my biggest fan?" he murmurs.

She laughs - jeez, she almost giggled, the things he does to her - and rolls her forehead against his neck. "But you didn't-"

"Later. Not enough time for that."

Really? What exactly does he think he's going to be doing?

He rubs his hands up and down her back briskly, but she shrugs them away. "Not helping," she murmurs, her awareness still high and making her jump at every touch.

He laughs back, tightens his arms and lifts her up. She feels herself boneless and liquid against him, but she doesn't even care, lets him carry her down the balcony to a sliding door that leads to the master bedroom.

"Oh," she whispers, surprised.

"Yeah, cool, huh? Makes this very convenient." His lips brush her cheek as he talks and she shivers again, harder, her knees clutching at his ribs. "Ahh, Kate."

"You gotta stop doing that," she whispers roughly, her body arching despite herself, hands gripping his shoulders.

"Me? You're the one, ah Kaaaate-"

She squeezes his neck with her hand, tries to hold her too-sensitive body away from him as he steps across the threshold and into the master bedroom. Her legs tremble with every jolting step he takes, which only makes her knees press against him harder to lift her up, and his body responds to that and it's an endless cycle-

He laughs again, a dark and delicious laugh that curls in her guts, tightens her belly, and she uses her other hand to press against his mouth.

"Seriously, Castle, don't do that either. It's too much."

He stands still in the middle of the bedroom, his body trembling as much as hers is (at least there's that, she affects him as much as he affects her, but it's just that she's the one that hangs on the fine edge of pleasure and pain from it, all the time, not him). After a second of listening to his shallow breathing, she can sink down a little more against him, then she can drop her legs to the floor, stand on her own again.

Oops. Not quite.

He catches her with a laugh, holding her carefully, for which she's grateful, and then presses a chaste kiss to her forehead. She finds her sealegs (or would it be her land legs? since they just did that - so well - in full view of the ocean?) and steps away from him to breathe without the air catching in her throat.

"Six," she whispers in the darkness. Jeez. She's still trembling, her muscles quivering. She could go for number seven right now and not even blink. He definitely could.

"Gotta get the kids," he says, his hands in fists now at his side. But he doesn't move either. She smiles widely, feels her some of her control reasserting as she watches him struggle to contain it, and of course, some of the argument drifts back as well.

"While you're recovering over there, wanna tell me why you're mad at me?" she says, dropping down to the bed and leaning back on her hands. Watching him. The muscles in the tops of her thighs twitch, even though she tries to look cool and in control.

He recovers pretty quickly after that, of course, and paces away from her. "Just. Felt a little blindsided."

"By the autism thing?" she says gently, because she knows his writer's mind worked overtime a few years ago when they were taking Dash around to specialists and trying to figure out what was up with him. She never once considered that as a possibility, but he must have. He was the one doing all the research.

"No."

Or. . .not.

"What's this about then?"

He sighs, runs his hand through his hair. "The precinct. Going back."

Oh, wow. That *hurts.*

Kate sits up on the bed, wonders if she should be standing for this conversation. "You don't want to come back."

"No."

Her chest tightens, breath catching.

"I do," he continues. "I really do. It's not that."

Wait for it, Kate. Stop hearing what you think he's saying. She breathes again, tries to collect herself.

"It's just how. . .how it got done, Kate. All behind my back. I don't like being confronted with these. . .plans of yours."

Oh. She did it again. She bows her head, rubbing her forehead with her fingers, closes her eyes. She's learned this lesson. Why does she keep forgetting it? "I didn't mean to do it like that, it just all. . .fell into place. I wanted to get it squared away before I talked to the Captain, wanted to make sure it could even work before getting my hopes up-"

"I know, I know," he says, and she looks up to find that he's dropped to his haunches in front of the bed, watching her. He puts his hands on her knees, flickers of heat curl up her thighs. "I know. I get it. Doesn't mean my stupid, wounded pride gets it."

She reaches out and touches his chest with a finger, sighing. "Your pride?"

"I really hate leaving those kids at school every day. I already don't know how I'm gonna survive Dash being in kindergarten next year and you want me to add another day to Ellery-"

She brushes her hand over his mouth, leaves it there, sighing at him. Castle. "I know. I do. I know that. I just. . .got excited. It doesn't have to be three days a week. Keep it at two."

He sighs and kisses her palm, moves her hand away. "But I *want* to be with you three days a week. And Ellery needs people around. More people than just us." He tilts his head into her hand with a sigh, and she curls her fingers around his ear.

"Yeah," she agrees. "I know you think I'm immune to it, but I'm not. It hurts me too. That she won't talk, that we've got to push her out of the nest-"

He shakes his head, frowns up at her. "That's not. . .well, no, Kate. I don't care about that. I can see that gets you. But it doesn't bother me. She'll talk when she needs to. It's just leaving her there. Not being the one to care for her full-time. I. . .feel like I'm cheating them both? I gave that time to Alexis, but I-"

"Hey, hey," she murmurs, stroking the side of his face, leaning her forehead against his. "Remember? This is good for them both. Better for them. This is how this family works, Castle."

He nods. "Yeah. I get that. I do."

But his pride doesn't. And his heart, she thinks. Kate smiles slowly at him, shakes her head so that he can feel it, pulls back to brush both hands across his cheeks, her fingers working at his sad face. "Smile for me, Castle."

He lifts an eyebrow.

"Wrong muscle," she murmurs, still grinning at him, poking her fingers along his mouth. She props her feet up on his knees and adds a little weight to them, tilting him forward. He laughs as he falls into the bed, catching himself with an arm to either side of her.

"There it is," she says.

"You cheated."

"I will do whatever it takes to make you happy," she shoots back, then hears her own words and blushes. Damn.

He grins now. "Really?"

She laughs back. "Yeah, yeah. Okay. Don't let it inflate your ego, Castle."

"Too late-"

A cry from the hallway has them both on their feet, running for the door. Guilt pours through Kate, because she kept him out on the balcony (but it was fast! too fast), because she was being selfish and wanting him all to herself again, and her kids were in the bathtub for Pete's sake-

She stumbles in the hallway against Castle, her hands at his back when he doesn't move.

Dash is giggling and naked and streaking towards them.

"Whoa!" Kate jumps back, letting Castle absorb the crash with his son so she can then move around him and look for Ellery.

"Okay, buddy, wow. You are riled up again, huh?"

"We played WAR!" he yells, holding up both fists. Kate laughs as she heads for the bathroom and finds Ellery wrapped up in a pink towel, most of it covering her head. She stands next to the tub still, where apparently her brother left her.

Kate kneels down and draws the towel back off her head. "Ella?"

One little raised eyebrow peeks out at her.

Kate laughs again and pushes the towel back from her face, then wraps her arms around her daughter. "Did Dash help you with the towel?"

Ellery nods once, emphatic, and holds up one little finger.

"One?"

Another nod.

"Hmm, oh. You could only find one towel."

Ellery grins brightly at her, throws her arms around her mother, as if in reward for figuring it out. Kate sighs on another laugh and picks her up.

"Well, let's find your brother a towel too, huh? Before he gets Daddy soaking wet."

Kate drifts into Dashiell's room where it looks like the kid has indeed gone through every piece of clothing in his once neatly packed suitcase. On a quick look through, she doesn't see his bath towels.

Castle comes into the room from the open hall door. "Oh. Well. Looks like you really did look for it, didn't you, buddy?" Castle has already wrapped Dashiell up in one of their towels, it seems, and Kate can see Dash pushing past his father to get into the room, still only half-draped.

"See, Daddy? Not here."

"You're right, Dash. I don't see it either." Kate looks up at Castle.

"Oh, no. Don't look at me-"

"You packed them." She meant it as a question, but it doesn't quite come out that way.

"Are you blaming me?" he says, eyes narrowing at her.

She gives him a roll of her eyes and looks down at Ellery, still almost hidden in the pink towel. "Castle. You think I'm gonna take the time to fight with you about a towel?"

He tilts his head, gearing up, and at their feet, Dashiell does the same, looking between them. "Hey guys? I don't need a towel. I'm gettin' dry."

Their eyes meet; he has the grace to look appalled with himself and she drops her gaze to Dash, sighing.

"You're fine, Dash. You ready to pull on pajamas and have story time?" Kate says instead, using one hand to rub Ellery's towel over her head, winking at her when she giggles.

Dashiell throws off the towel and climbs onto his bed, testing it out with his feet before he starts jumping. High. And bouncy. Everything. Bouncing.

Kate snorts and turns away, heading for the bathroom and the connecting door. "You got this one, Daddy."

Ellery is peering over her mother's shoulder and giggling.

Maybe because Castle feels guilty, honestly, she does too (sex on the balcony? they are crazy. seriously nuts. with their two kids in the bathtub?), but story time is in the big bed in their room instead of the kids' rooms. It might be impossible to get them back in their own beds.

Kate showered in record time while Castle was still trying to wrangle Dashiell into his pajamas; Ellery sat in the big bed and watched Totoro on Kate's iPad, her striped leggings and tshirt on without any trouble. When Castle hopped in to join her only moments before she was through; she gave him a hard look, backing away at the glint in his eyes, then rinsed out her hair and left him alone. "Later," she promised.

She pulled on sweatpants from the pile of clothes already mounting in the bathroom, smelled one of his tshirts and figured it was clean enough, and now she's snuggling with her kids in the master bed, all three of them watching Disney's version of My Neighbor, Totoro. The catbus is driving the older sister around looking for Mei (the lost little sister), and this is the part that Dashiell likes the best. Kate has a content little kid on either side of her, warm and damp from the bath.

Castle leaves the bathroom shirtless with his pajama pants on, sees her in his tshirt, and gives her a look. "There's my shirt."

"Find a new one," she says. "I'm not moving."

Ellery turns a baleful eye on her, then her father, as if shushing them. Kate meets Castle's amused lifted eyebrow with an eyebrow of her own and they smile.

Dashiell cracks his jaw on a yawn and burrows deeper into Kate's side, his arm stealthily stretching across her waist and wrapping her in a hug, worming his arm between her and Ellery now.

Ella whines and pushes at Dash's arm, pouting at him, holding the iPad carefully to her chest with one hand as the catbus screeches through the night.

"Dash. Share."

"Don't wanna share."

"Dashiell."

Ellery wriggles, trying to squirm Dash's arm out from under her and back against Kate's side. Castle reappears with a tshirt and hops onto the bed, making everyone bounce. He scoops up Dashiell, prying the boy away from Kate, and settles down next to her himself. "I get Mommy."

Dash grunts in displeasure, but Ellery has already reclaimed her spot with a tentacle-like embrace. Castle shifts until his head is on the stack of pillows behind them, adjusting Dash on his other side. The boy fights him for a minute, then crawls onto his father's chest instead, laying his head on Castle's sternum.

Kate takes the iPad and stops the movie, exits out of it, puts it to sleep. Ellery looks mournfully at Kate and reaches over for her stuffed Totoro, as if taking consolation in its presence.

Castle sighs softly into the darkness of the room, a kind of signal. Kate pulls Ella up into her arms and curls around Castle, the little girl now almost between them, Kate's head on his shoulder, Ella's in the crook of her arm. Toto gets squashed up between them.

"Story time, Daddy," Kate says softly.

He closes his eyes, humming a little, as if testing his voice. Kate smiles and lifts her head, sees Dashiell curling up on his father's chest, his favorite spot during story time, where he can feel the vibrations from Castle's voice.

Kate lays her head back down, her daughter warm and heavy against the cradle of Kate's body, her baby cheek against Kate's forearm. Her little fingers make strange designs across Kate's skin, soft toddler runes.

"All right. What kind of story?" Castle says finally.

Kate gets to pick because it's bedtime in their room, because it's her turn, and she relishes the moment for an instant, her eyes closed, her husband large and solid and alive, breathing in the darkness, her family piled together.

"A good story," she says finally, giving it back to him.

Dashiell grumbles from his spot and throws an arm out, touching his mother's knee. "That's not an answer, Mommy."

"Sure it is," Castle says, defending her. "It means Mommy trusts me to pick one, any one I can think of."

Dash is silent, thinking on this, but then he pats Kate's knee and sighs. "Okay. A good one. Go, Daddy."

"You gonna be quiet?"

"Yes. Quiet," he whispers.

"No more talking. No questions. This is a bedtime story."

Dash nods violently, making the bed shake, and Kate chuckles, humming as she hears Castle sigh. She glances down at Ella, and the little girl is waging a fierce battle against her drooping eyelids.

"One almost down, Daddy," she whispers, moving her lips to his ear. She feels his neck twitch and grins to herself. Just might hit seven after all. Beating their official record.

"Okay, a good story," he says, and his arm curls around Kate's neck and touches her jaw, then his fingers rub the shell of her ear, making her shiver. She closes her eyes and tries to ignore what that does to her.

Ellery lets out a long, snuffling breath, a signal that she's fading fast, and Castle drops his hand, starts in on the story.

"A long time ago, there was just Daddy and Alexis."

Dash laughs but then quiets down again, hunching his shoulders into his father. Kate opens her eyes and watches him for a moment, but he has his eyes closed; he really is trying to follow the rules.

Castle drops a hand on his back and presses the boy into his chest a little, deep pressure, the kind he needs.

"Daddy and Alexis were a little family. They lived in the loft together. There was no Mommy," he says on a sigh, and his palm comes back up to her jaw, his fingers brushing across her skin as if to remind himself.

He's going to break her heart, isn't he? Kate closes her eyes and wraps her arm around Ella, curling a hand under the girl's neck, feeling her slow breath against the inside of her wrist.

"There was no Dash. There was no Ella. But Daddy and Alexis didn't know they were supposed to be there. They just knew that it wasn't always. . .enough. With just the two of them."

She is not going to cry. No. Not at this. Ridiculous.

"So Daddy and Alexis started looking for people to be in their little family. First Gram moved back in with them. And stayed for awhile. And that was good, but it wasn't enough either."

"Why not 'nuff, Daddy?"

"Because there was no Mommy. No you. No Ella."

Kate presses her eyes into Castle's shoulder, breathes.

"Oh."

"Yeah. No more questions, kiddo." Castle shifts a little, his lips brush her temple. "Then Daddy met Mommy. They were both at work. Daddy was at a party for his book, and Mommy wanted to arrest him."

Kate muffles her laugh into his shoulder.

"Alexis was there too. She pushed Daddy at Mommy and told him Mommy was someone new, someone they'd never seen before. Someone who might. . .fit."

Well, this is taking great liberties with the timeline, isn't it?

"So Daddy tried really hard to make Mommy come home with him, but she wouldn't do that. She had a job to do; she had to finish it, catch the real bad guy. She talked with Daddy at her job though. She talked to Daddy a lot. Told Daddy lots of things. And Daddy told her stories. Mommy likes stories."

Dashiell moves like he's going to ask another question, but Castle is already pushing a hand down on his back, quieting him.

"So Daddy decided that if he couldn't get Mommy to come home with him to stay, he would stay with her at work."

Well. Okay. That *is* kind of accurate. Huh.

"Mommy was good at her job, and smart, really smart. Daddy was happy with Mommy at work, and he really wanted to take her home with him, make her fit in there too, but Mommy had her own home, by herself. Alone. It made Daddy sad after awhile."

Oh?

"He really wanted her to have a home with people in it. Lots of people. Family. People who loved her. He wanted it to be his home, but it could be any place really. Daddy just wanted Mommy to be happy. But then, even that wasn't good enough. He knew that Mommy needed to be at his home. With him and Alexis."

For a moment, Kate wonders how much of this is true. And then she thinks of Demming, and how Castle made faces about it, put out, and that other guy. Josh. And how Castle walked away. Kept walking away. For her. To give her a chance to be happy.

What an idiot.

"One day Mommy had a really hard job. It hurt her. It hurt Daddy too. Mommy thought it would be better if they hurt together, and not alone, so she came over to Daddy's house-"

"You got Mommy home with you, Daddy?" Dash says sleepily, blinking.

"Hush," Castle murmurs. "Daddy had kind of given up, buddy. But Mommy came over on her own. She came home when she needed it, when she knew it was where she supposed to be too. So Mommy and Daddy stayed home together and found out that it didn't hurt at all when they were both at home. Together."

Damn. It's kind of. . beautiful like that.

"And that's when Mommy decided to add Dash to Daddy's home-"

"Mommy decided?" she hisses, digging her chin into his shoulder because her hands are filled with his daughter.

"It was totally Mommy's idea," Castle laughs. "Daddy wasn't even thinking about it. Mommy's the smart one."

Oh jeez.

"So then Mommy and Daddy had Dashiell-"

"That's me."

"And Dashiell, even though he was never good about being quiet-" a giggle "-Dashiell was perfect. He was exactly what Mommy and Daddy and Alexis needed. A little baby brother. Daddy loved him so much. Dashiell fit right in to Mommy and Daddy's home, and he had his own room with baseball all over it, and Mommy would come home from her job and find Daddy and Dash waiting for her. And Mommy stayed."

She sighs and drops her cheek back to his shoulder, burying her smile in his shirt. She stayed. She did.

"And then Mommy told Daddy that they needed one more. Daddy was so happy with Dashiell that he didn't think they needed anything at all. Dash was funny and smart and wild and talkative and energetic. But Mommy is the smart one-"

Uh-huh. Don't you forget it.

"-and Mommy was right. Because the moment there was Ellery, the second we knew about Ellery-"

The little girl stirs in Kate's arms; she can feel the brush of the baby's eyelashes against the skin of her arm.

"-oh, when I saw Ella, sweetheart, I knew you two were all we needed. First I just had Alexis. But then I had Mommy, and Mommy loved me, and then Dash, and now Ella, and everything is right."

Kate swallows hard, feels Ellery lift her head, wobbly and half-asleep. The little girl leans in and presses a kiss to her daddy's chin, a hand on him for balance. Dashiell reaches out across his father's chest and curls his hand around his sister's little wrist.

And then Kate realizes she's crying, and she kinda hates Castle for making her cry, but she can't figure out why in the world, why?, why Richard Castle, *this* man, with his childish, too-big heart, would follow her to her work one night and decide to never leave her alone again. Even when she went home alone, she was never really alone.

"I love you," she whispers, gathering Ella into her arms, her mouth at her husband's ear, and her eyes on Dash. And she doesn't even know which one she's saying it too, only it has to be all of them.

All of them.