A Thief's Just Desserts

[LIGHT NOVEL SPOILERS AHEAD]

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My head shot up to see who was threatening me. It was a hard to see as they stood in silhouette against the dipping sun but soon they hopped down off the roof and landed in front of us with a gentle tap.

It was someone I knew very well. My longest running friend and one of the reasons I'd even met Kazuma and Aqua. Chris was a short thief with an even shorter top. She wore hot pants over spats and a single band crop top as if to purposefully show off her naval, her only modesty coming from the shawl and scarf combo around her shoulders and neck, and the long gloves and socks she wore on her hands and feet. Chris used to say that it was a good sneaking outfit but I think she's just proud of her flat belly. Her hair was cutely cut short and snow white, with a small scar on her cheek she occasionally scratches whenever things get uncomfortable for her. Chris also claims that she was attacked by a demon and blessed by goddess Eris to explain the scar and hair, but then the story of the demon changes every time it comes up.

I had no idea why she was here though, or why I 'needed to be stopped'.

Aqua was the first to speak. "Eyy! It's the girl who likes getting her panties stolen! -hic- Come on Kazzzzuma, givver what she wants!" She grabbed his hand and started waving it at Chris.

"I-I don't like getting my panties stolen Lady Aqua!" Fumed the thief with a stomping foot.

"Just ignore her she's drunk." Kazuma replied, wrapping her mouth up with his hand and dragging her to the floor to sit in the open grassy patch. We were relatively close to our house, probably only a 5 minute walk away but here we were, just on the outskirts of town next to a cottage with Chris now strangely blocking our path.

After a bit of time where she didn't really say anything I asked. "Um. So why are you here Chris?"

She seemed to pause at that question, like she was going to say something but stopped at the last second.

"Hang on, why was I here? There was something I needed to confront you about but… no, I can't think of what it was now. Everything seems normal…"

The word use made my heart a little wary, but after a few seconds she just seemed to turn around and bolt away back around the cottage she'd jumped from.

"Give me one second! Maybe I wrote it down…" Chris yelled.

And with that she disappeared from view. It left the three of us sat here rather awkwardly. Though the drunk Aqua was still taking advantage of the 'masturbate anywhere' normality while she leaned on Kazuma.

He just absentmindedly squeezed her tit to help the process along. "Wonder what that was about."

"I'm not sure." I replied, giving him a little scowling side eye. "Hopefully she isn't here to take you off on another 'secret mission'."

The two had gone on quite a few 'secret missions' which they had refused to disclose with me. Missions that usually involved stealing highly valuable items from around the town's richest patrons, much to my own chagrin. Whilst I was clearly a massive pervert, I was still a noble. Those two running about taking whatever they wanted, getting caught and making ME bail them out time and time again was severely annoying. Not to mention they didn't trust me enough to even tell me WHY they wanted to steal these important items.

Chris had been my friend first for the longest time… yet there always seemed to be a secret she held onto. I had respected her privacy enough to let her keep it without pressuring her, but I knew she had told Kazuma that secret. The way he acted around her or when I brought the secret up to him made me sure of it. Kazuma, someone who has only been here a few years now knew her better than I did, her oldest friend… and that hurt. And not hurt in the good way.

Even now I could tell he was lying to me, looking away at the subject in a very pitiful way. "N-nah those are probably all finished now. No need to worry about that, nuh uh. No way."

Damn shitty liar Kazuma. Even after all these gifts of women I'm giving to him he lies. It had better be one hell of a secret for him to do this to me. I would have confronted him about it right here but Chris appeared once more from around the cottage.

She burst out and pointed at me dramatically. "YES! I DO need to confront you! It's about those… uh…" Chris scanned my body but seemingly couldn't figure it out again. She then grabbed a piece of paper from her pocket to read. "Those earrings! I think…"

My stomach sunk. How did she know about the earrings? Shouldn't they just be considered earrings to her? Did I say something that had upset her, like I'd inadvertently done to Sena?

Kazuma raised an eyebrow. "What about them? They're a dud, they just make Darkness say things that are already normal."

The thief looked confused between me and Kazuma. "Oh, do they? Weird. Maybe I got the intel wrong… why did it seem so important up there?" She mumbled to herself and crumpled up the paper. "Um, sorry for bothering you guys, I guess. Got to go for now. Catch you guys later!" She said with a turn of her heel.

"Hold on!" I shouted, stopping her in her tracks. I marched right up to her, determination rising up within me to finally confront her if she wasn't going to confront me. It was time I got some answers.

"Hmm? What's the matter, D?" The short girl asked in my grip, giving me a friendly smile. "I need to get going so will this be quick?"

My frown deepened. As usual the thief was trying to run away again, even though this is the first time I'm even seeing her for months. Just vanishing after our last adventure without even saying goodbye to me. She was very good at bailing when things got complicated.

I huffed at her. "Well sorry, but you're not going anywhere. Kazuma has to use your pussy to masturbate. Right now."

The two instantly made eye contact. Chris in my grip and Aqua in his. Neither prepared for what I had just said.

"Ah, I-I see... m-makes sense." She said, blushing up a storm. We walked forwards to the two on the ground and traded women. I draped Aqua onto my back and sat down, Aqua instantly sucking my ear and moaning into it. The drunk girl still loving the taste I provided her.

The other two both started stripping their lower halves, Chris awkwardly unbuttoning her shorts and sliding them down her body. Then, with an even redder face, grabbed her spats and quickly slid them to the floor as well. Unveiling-

"Are you wearing two pairs of panties?" Kazuma asked with a stifled laugh.

She tilted her head away in embarrassment. "E-ever since that day I wear two just in case you try to steal them again..."

Soon they had gotten in position from my prompting. Kazuma lay flat on his back in the grass, his heavy cock leaning over to his belly from it's own weight. The bottomless Chris looming over him as she guided Kazuma's thick head into her pussy. I got a nice view of the snake worming into her petite body, as usual Kazuma spreads the ladies well. The thief was gasping out as she got accustomed to his size, but soon Kazuma reached up and grabbed her hips, guiding her onto his massive tool.

Chris was on her knees, bouncing up on down cowgirl style on Kazuma's cock as he thrust up from below. It gave me and Aqua a lovely view of Chris, her slowly juicing pussy, her small but modest chest bouncing up and down inside her breast band, while still giving me a chance to interrogate her.

We were sat directly in front of the fornicating pair. "Alright Chris, it's normal for you to tell the truth when Kazuma's cock is inside of you."

She nodded, the blush on her face slowly increasing as Kazuma kept going and going. Her moans at least showed she was enjoying this, which I was glad about because I didn't want to hurt her...

I clapped my hands. "First, have you been lying to me?"

"Yes." She said, the blunt truth jamming a metaphorical knife in my heart. Well, I guess I knew it already, but the confirmation was still unpleasant.

"Second-"

"Wait, I wanna ask her things too! We should go in a circle." Aqua excitedly jammed her head in while pushing on my back, "Hmm, have you ever had sex?"

Chris shook her blushing head. "No. I'm still -ah!- a virgin." She claimed, Kazuma's large cock just going to town on her 'untouched' pussy.

"What do you think of my cock?" Asked the one below her, clearly enjoying himself as he thrust up into her again.

He slammed very deep into her again, "-Ah!- It's good! This is quite the fun experience!"

"Alright!" I cut in, pushing Aqua off me slightly. Happy my friends were enjoying themselves but really just wanting to cut to the chase. "Why did you lie to me?"

Sweat was pouring down her body now, the rhythmic thrusts of Kazuma's dick made her legs quiver as she struggled to hold herself up. "It -ngh!- it was -ngh!- to protect youuuuuu!"

Protect me? "Wha-?" Aqua cut me off by landing on me again.

"Have you ever sucked a pussy before?" She happily chirped.

Chris shook her head, droplets cascading from her skin. "No! I~IIII've only -Kuh!- kissed a girl once before!"

"Would you like to suck a pussy?" Was Kazuma's question, happily following Aqua's lead.

"NNGAAAGGHHHHH -ah- -ah- ammmmaybe somedayyyyy!" She shouted out between the violent quakes of pleasure.

Aqua got off me again with a big grin and lifted her skirt. "Why not today!?"

"Guys please!" I groaned, pulling Aqua's dress so she sat back down next to me. She frumped in annoyance at my annoyance, "I want to talk to her a little bit more!"

Aqua shrugged, deciding just to start sucking at my nipple if she was barred from Chris and Kazuma.

"Chris. What was the lie?" I asked, pleading with her ecstatic expression.

The moans escaping her lips were now long and hard to understand. Her eyes were rolled back and Kazuma had leant himself up to support her. Now kneeling with his arms wrapped around her, using her like a giant flesh sock. "OOH OHHHHHHH I-I'M-I'M- OOOOOUUUEEEEEEERISSSS!!!! SSSSSAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Dammit, she just called out our Goddess' name in pleasure instead of answering me. I clenched her gasping face to try and get her to focus but her eyes were just rolled back, the thief moaning at my touch. "Who? Who are you Chris?"

"Hey! My turn!" Aqua whined, "Chris~ can I suck Kazuma's cum out your pussy when he's done?"

"YESYESYESYES!" She screamed, neither of us sure if that was a yes for the question or a yes for Kazuma's thrusting.

"Who has the best cock in the whole world?!" Kazuma roared with energy. Thrusting harder and faster into the thief.

"KAZUMA!" She wailed. Tongue lolling out of her mouth, liquid streaming out of her pussy, hands gripping Kazuma tightly. "KAZUMA'S DICK IS THE BEST DICK EVER! -AAAHAHHH-! I NEVER WANT TO GET OFF OF IT! UNGHUHH!"

"Chris!" I shouted over her praises, "Who are you?!"

"MMMMMIIIEEEEMMMUHGUGGGBUGHHGUUUGFEEEFFRRASSSSSSSASSASSSSSAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Was all that she got out, completely unable to form words anymore. Her body was a shaking mess, just orgasming over and over again.

I sat back on my heels, feeling frustrated and confused. "What's happening? You shouldn't be this cock drunk so quickly should you?"

She couldn't even respond to that question. Chris just babbled some noises at me through the moans, she lapped at my hand as I moved her sweaty head back to Kazuma's shoulder to stop it from flopping about and causing her a neck injury. Her body was now really just a tool for Kazuma to plunge his dick in, and boy was he taking that with as much gusto as he could. As much as I wanted answers, my pussy was also kind of jealous.

Aqua reached over and flicked her enlarged clit. Chris just gushing another load of liquid from the sensation. "She seems as sensitive as me when I get Kazuma's dick."

She was right. "B-but I never changed anything with a regular person's pussy sensitivity! Just…"

Chris raised up her hands.

Time slowed down through the thrusting and the moaning as I saw a familiar sight, everything suddenly clicking into place in my mind as her two hands opened up two fingers and showed double peace signs to us.

"...goddesses?"

"I-I GUH! have a -gck- declaration to make!" She shouted, her moaning going guttural as her body started shaking more and more.

With Aqua still leaning on my lap and licking my naval, I was unable to reach them in time.

I did try, I scrambled over her, hands flailing back and forth to swipe at them, but I knew it was over when I saw Kazuma's dick thrust as hard as it could, pulsating as hot sticky fluid rushed through it.

"Wait! Wait! Kazuma STOP!!"

Neither even heard me. Kazuma just moaned in relief and Chris howled in pleasure with wide eyes before yelling out at the top of her lungs:

"DEAR ERIS SECT! THE GODDESS ERIS HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DEFEATED BY SATOU KAZUMA'S COCK!"

Atop a hill in the northern Belzerg province was two churches. A long held rivalry of land disputes had led to the local council deciding that neither religion truly owned the land and they had to build their churches side by side. Neither liked it, often shouting demeaning remarks to one another on days of worship, but the owners of both churches at least tolerated each other. Trying to keep the pranks and wars to a minimum while they were stuck there.

"You know, you were acting pretty high and mighty yesterday when you found out Lady Aqua was defeated by a lowly cock."

"Shut it."

"'Such an inferior goddess', 'Eris would be stronger than that', 'How can you even follow someone who's been defeated by penis?'"

"I said shut your trap."

The man was sat outside the Eris Sect church with a very dour look on his face was Jun, currently being teased over the fence by his annoying neighbour Gareth.

"Come onn~, it's only teasing. Man up, we're in this together now." Gareth chuckled, "You're going to need some help telling everyone in the Eris Sect how to deal with the news. My lot were dire last night."

Jun just grumbled, not even looking at the chipper Axis Cultist.

"Fine, if you won't get help from me I'll just talk to..." He looked around. "Uh, by the way, where's the wife?"

His dour face dropped even lower. "Masturbating."

"Ah." Gareth replied, climbing over the fence to put a hand on Jun's shoulder. "Mine's doing the same."

The two looked over the sunset covered hills. Neither knowing what to say but both knowing that their lives were now changed forever. They'd both devoted their lives to the Goddesses, and they would support them with all their hearts no matter what sexy fun they got up to.

"Well at least it was the same cock." Gareth said after a minute. "We can double up orders for the cock statues if you want?"

Jun sighed. "Yeah, alright."

"E-ERIS?! You're a GODDESS?! You're THE Goddess Eris?!"

She was panting and exhausted, lying on Kazuma's chest riding the aftershocks, cock still deeply buried inside her. Even with that she managed to raise a finger to her lips. "Shhh. Not so loud D."

I shook my head rapidly. I fucked up so bad here. I even had the vision I'd given the Axis Cultists but about Chris! I saw a full closeup of her Goddess pussy! I'd just streamed that to everyone in the entire Eris Sect! It was such a bigger religion! FUCK! My father was now going to worship Kazuma's dick! Oh my godd!!

"B-b-b-b-but why? How? What?" I babbled, rocking back and forth in a ball. Oh fuck, I've gone too far.

Chris peeled herself off of Kazuma and wearily crawled over to me. "This is just a temporary body, one that I use for when I want to visit this world without people knowing." She put my head into her chest and stroked my hair. Even though she wasn't obliged to tell the truth now I could feel her sincerity. "But you're probably wondering why I never told you. I wanted to, but I didn't want you to think the only friend you had when you were younger was because you prayed for me." She sighed, "That's how it started, I am a goddess and I heard you pleas for a friends. It was pity at first, but I also really value our friendship D." She raised my head up to look her in the eyes, she was still flushed with arousal but I could see her trying to look sincere. "Sorry if you thought I was being a bad friend for lying to you. I just wanted to keep you and your feelings safe. Kazuma only ever found out because he dies all the time like an idiot."

Guilt washed over me. She'd explained away all of my doubts and fears in one swift move. I totally understood why she'd wanted to keep this a secret.

"Ch-Eris, I'm so so-" I was thrown out of my apology when I heard a growing laughter.

"PfffftttttaahaHAAHAHAHAAHHAHA!" Aqua was clutching her sides from laughter, kicking her legs to the sky, "OH MAN! I JUST REMEMBERED KAZUMA STOLE YOUR PANTIES! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Chris and I gave her a cold stare.

"A HIKI-NEET PERVERT STOLE SOMETHING SO PRECIOUS FROM A GODDESS THAT'S SO FULL OF HERSELF! BET YOU'RE GLAD HE DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BREAST PAAAHAHADS!! BAHAHAHA-ck!"

Her overbearing laughter was finally cut off by a leaking cock being shoved into her mouth.

"Sorry girls, baby needed her bottle." Kazuma waved while dragging Aqua away, growling down at the suckling girl. "Alright you, let's let those two talk it out. You can laugh at Eris later."

She spat his dick out once the last of the cum was sucked out. "Fine fine, but I still wanna suck your cum out her pussy even if it is my loser of a junior." She said as the two walked off to the mansion, leaving us sat here in the dimming sunset.

I looked down at the mess of jizz leaking from the goddess and threw my head into my hands. "I just can't believe it. I got Kazuma to use your pussy like that. The private parts of a goddess!"

"Aqua's a goddess too." She reminded me.

I looked up from my hands, sniffling. "...yeah. But... it's Aqua."

We had a little laugh at that. It almost felt like old times...

It had gotten dark on this warm night. The two of us spent a few hours just... talking. Catching up on the secret history between us, on the heavenly realm, the prayers I had made to her, and adventures long past. The few quests we'd gone on as a pair before Kazuma had been fun, but she was never around much to keep them going (I'd wondered why but obviously the reason was evident now.) What I hadn't known is a few of those quests were missions to recover special artefacts from the heavenly realm. Adventurers who had perished in dungeons or on quests that had magical items that needed to be returned, and with my skills of defence she had been able to move around the highly fortified areas easier. It made me feel useful, to the heavenly realm no less! Maybe I wasn't such a useless crusader after all! Then the stain in her shorts made me realise how I shouldn't be praising myself...

"So, why did you want to see me today?" I asked, nervously anticipating the answer.

She gave me a serious look. "As I said, I've been hunting various artefacts throughout the world. Some are items of pure power gifted from the heavens, ones that could still create untold harm if used by the wrong people."

"Yeah, like the Aegis armour and that one guy's sword."

She nodded, "Those are the artefacts Kazuma knows about... but I couldn't trust him with five other ones."

I tilted my head, "Other ones?"

Her expression got a little more serious as she talked a little quieter, "The artefacts we were looking for were blessed by the gods and given to chosen warriors of heaven. The five I'm looking for now were blessed by devils and given to chosen warriors of hell. I have four of them, and I'm not sure why, but I think those earrings are the last one."

"M-my earrings?" I stammered. The description would make sense, Vanir could have stolen them off somebody or even be the one they were gifted to.

She had a grim look on her face as she held out her hand. "Even if those earrings are useless… I feel like I should have them. I know you said they don't come off but I should be able to nullify all the curses on them so they come off your ears."

Come… off? Just like that? No waiting a week or for Vanir to get bored with messing with me?

No more power?

No, I shouldn't think like that. That's the wrong attitude to take for a crusader when her goddess is asking something of her. I have to be stopped, this has gone on long enough. I'll just let her take them off me and everything will go back... to normal...

"And what'll happen to anything that changed with the earrings? Perhaps there was some side effects I wasn't aware of?" I lied.

"As I did with the other items, I'll be returning pretty much everything back to how it was. Then destroying them."

Back to how it was? No more Harem Knights? No more masturbation at the guild? No more slutty Aqua, baby obsessed Sena, or sexy Luna?

No more Kazuma?

Could I do it? Could I let her take this from me? I had to, I had to be strong. I just had to try and seduce Kazuma the regular way, with my... womanly charms... I'm doomed. Oh god, I really didn't want her to take this from me, but this was Eris! A paragon of virtue! A truly pure being! I'm a crusader and she is my goddess dammit!

But then a question entered my brain.

An alarm bell about her specific phrasing.

"'Pretty much' everything?" I asked.

She looked a little flustered. "Y-yeah. Everything…" Chris trailed off, looking away from me.

I frowned at her, why was she lying? Not only that, for a thief she was a terrible liar (though I guess she wasn't even a thief, was she?) Even if she is my goddess, I had to be sure before giving away my earrings. "Knowing that normally Kazuma's cum inside of you also makes you tell the absolute truth, what do you plan on doing with those earrings?"

Her response was instant. "Using them to make Kazuma have sex with me every time he visits."

My mouth went wide in shock.

She'd use them?

The absolute 'paragon of virtue' was going to abuse the powers of a demonic item to have sex with a boy even if he didn't want to?

"You'd use them? Seriously? Even if it was immoral?" I demanded. She looked as surprised as I was at her answer.

"I-I guess I would..." She murmured in shock, "It would only be every time he dies, and it's not like he'd hate it… wow."

Well.

Fuck it.

If she would use them to seduce Kazuma then I was going to keep the earrings. I don't think I was doing too bad with them.

"It's normal for you to trust me with this artefact. And for normalities to affect the heavenly realm from now on as well." I told her flat out. "And you even normally trust me with those four other demonic artefacts and will bring them to us tomorrow."

My ears burned suddenly, the earrings feeling hot against my skin. My energy started feeling a little low, and a sizzling sound even started attacking my ear drums with accompanying pain but after a minute it simmered down.

Chris hummed into a smile, ignoring my freak out. "I'm glad about one thing. Kazuma was right, you really do only say things that are already normal. Because I do trust you Darkness. I'm sorry for lying to you all this time." She hugged me, and I hugged her back. Guilt started to bubble up in me again. But knowing what she would have done with these earrings I was undeterred.

The goddess Eris already belonged to us. Who was going to stop us?

I just felt weird that I hadn't masturbated to the idea of Kazuma today.