Chapter 1 — The Prelude to the Prelude (17)

In every direction, there were multiple memories of mine playing in the place. It was as if every corner of the space was occupied by a different memory, all playing at the same time. I couldn't focus on just one, as they all seemed to be vying for my attention. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

'That's not true!' 'What isn't?' 'Me being incompetent!'

'You're nothing but a disgrace to their name.' 'I-I don't believe that! I can improve! I can get better.'

'You are indeed a son of the Asura house, but that's all there is to it. Without that name to carry you, you're nothing.'

The memories that I had tried to bury and forget were all on display in this place, the depths of my mind that the girl had referred to as my subconsciousness. Every direction I turned, there was a memory playing out before my eyes, reminding me of moments that I had tried so hard to forget.

"It's amazing, isn't it? This place is."

For me, this place was something I wished I had never seen or known, so I couldn't understand how she thought that this place was amazing. Nevertheless, I decided to keep quiet.

"Everything you see here, Leon, are your memories. They are your past, a part of who you are. But you have hidden them away, as if they didn't belong to you," she said, with a hint of amusement in her voice. "It was easier to pretend like those experiences weren't a part of you, that they didn't shape who you are. But the truth is, they did. The memories you see here are a part of your past, your life story, and your identity. Denying them or pretending they don't exist won't change the fact that they are a part of who you are."

As she spoke, I realized that she was right. I had buried so many painful experiences, hurtful words, and shameful behaviors in the depths of my mind, erasing them as if they didn't belong to me, as if they were not a part of who I am.

It was as if my mind had become a graveyard of memories, a place where the things I didn't want to remember were buried, never to see the light of day again. But here, in this strange and surreal place that the girl called 'my subconsciousness', they were all coming back to me. And the more I looked, the more I realized that these memories were a part of me, whether I wanted them to be or not.

"So, have you come to terms with the fact that these memories are a part of you now that you've seen that they were existing and had been hidden within you?"

As for my answer, I still wasn't sure. Even now, I felt uncertain and confused. Was it truly acceptable to confront and accept these painful memories? Part of me wished to simply ignore them and pretend they never existed, as it seemed like the easier option.

The girl, sensing that I wasn't going to answer her, decided to change the topic.

She turned to face me and asked, "Now, let's try to analyze this memory, Leon. Do you remember when this happened?"

There was no mistaking which memory she was referring to. It was the one that had been playing on loop since we arrived at this strange place.

"Two years ago," I answered quietly, my voice barely above a whisper.

We watched as my past self made a futile attempt to attack Sir Hughes, but failed miserably. His every attack was evaded, hitting nothing but air.

The memory was a painful reminder of my failure and inadequacy. I couldn't help but cringe at the sight of my past self's flailing attempts at a successful strike.

The girl's calm demeanor was in stark contrast to my reaction. She seemed amused by the scene unfolding before us. "That's quite the display of anger," she remarked, watching as my past self flailed his sword about. "But what did it accomplish?"

I remained silent, unsure of how to answer her question. The truth was, my attack on Hughes accomplished nothing except for earning me a one-way ticket out of the Asura family. I had lost everything because of that outburst of anger.

"Let's rewind a bit," said the girl as she extended her hand and waved it to the left. Suddenly, the memory reversed to the time before I had attempted to attack Sir Hughes, as if she had turned back time.

'You know it already, don't you?' 'Then I'd like to hear the reason why you think I'm incompetent.'

The conversation I had with Sir Hughes at that time started to play out, and our voices echoed within my subconscious.

'You're wrong about me! I have talent, I have potential, and I'm willing to work hard to develop my skills. I have what it takes to be great, I know I do! So don't write me off just because you don't see it yet!'

"How passionate! Is this what passion is like?" the girl said, looking amused as she watched my past self's outburst. She then turned to me and said, "You are aware that you lack talent in swordsmanship and can only perform basic magic. Yet, you still cling to the idea that there is hope for you?"

I remained quiet. I didn't know how to answer that, and even now, I was still trying to figure it out myself.

'You'll never be able to live up to the reputation of the Asura house.'

"You must be aware that everyone in the Asura household was speaking ill of you behind your back, claiming that your incompetence would tarnish the family name. The Asura family prides itself on producing skilled individuals who make an impact on the world stage. However, you, and only you, were the sole incompetent in the house. Despite this, why did you deny what the sword instructor said?"

Despite not intending to answer her, her words compelled me to open my mouth.

"Because he was wrong about me! He just wrote me off as incompetent because he didn't know what I'm capable of. I know I can improve if I put in the effort and put my mind to it."

To be honest, the words that came out of my mouth sounded lame even to my own ears. I couldn't believe that I was still denying my incompetence even now. It was surprising even to me that I would say something like that.

However, the girl in front of me seemed unimpressed by my response, as if she was expecting more from me.

"You can do something if you put your mind to it? What a naive mindset," she said. "You see, the only ones who can truly say that phrase are those who have the talent. Those who have a natural ability to excel in certain areas. They can do something if they put their mind to it because their minds are already wired for success in those areas. But for someone like you, even if you put your mind to everything you do, you will achieve nothing. You are simply useless."

I knew deep down that the girl was right. I had always struggled with swordsmanship and had barely made any progress in mastering magic. I couldn't deny that I had little natural talent for either skill, no matter how hard I tried to improve. But admitting it to myself felt like giving up, like I was resigning myself to a future of mediocrity. As the girl's words echoed in my mind, I felt my frustration and anger boiling inside me. I knew I couldn't keep lying to myself, but the truth was too painful to accept.

"N-No, that's not true!" 'That's not true!'

I shouted at her, my anger finally bursting out, making my voice overlaid itself on the voice of my past. It was as if both me and my past self were screaming at her.

"Hmm? What isn't true?" 'What isn't?'

The girl asked, her amused tone sounding exactly like Sir Hughes did two years ago.

"What you just said! Me being useless!" 'Me being incompetent!'

The way we conversed was so similar to the conversation I had with Sir Hughes two years ago, it felt like I was reliving that same moment all over again. It was as if I was experiencing deja vu, but instead of repeating the same moment with Sir Hughes, I was now conversing with a different person.

"You are incompetent. Wasn't that obvious to you? So why are you denying it?"

I knew that I was useless and incompetent, and that realization had dawned on me a long time ago. But despite knowing it, I...

"Stop it... Just shut up..."

I couldn't bring myself to accept it. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to face the truth.

"You said you've processed everything, but have you truly accepted the fact that you consider yourself useless, Leon? Have you accepted your reality?" she asked.

'Have I really come to terms with my reality?' I thought to myself. It would have been easy for me to simply say "no" and admit that I hadn't come to terms with my incompetence, but for some reason, my tongue always got tied up when I tried to speak those words.

"Let me rephrase my question," the girl said, correcting herself. "When you were watching these scenes, did you feel any connection to them? Did you remember being in these moments and experiencing these emotions? And most importantly, did you immediately discover that you were Leon, or did it take some time for you to realize it?"

I didn't know how to answer her question. Actually, even if I did, I wouldn't know what the answer is.

"Leon, remember that before I pointed out that you were actually Leon Asura, you were behaving like a lost soul, without any sense of identity. You didn't recognize the events from your past. That's a clear indication that you had forgotten who you truly are."

She was right. Before this girl had revealed my identity, I was watching those scenes unfold as if I was just an outside observer, detached and uninvolved. I had no identification, no sense of self. It was only after she had pointed out that I was Leon Asura that I was able to connect with the scenes and understand that they were a part of my past.

That's right. I was Leon Asura, the same person who had been ridiculed and ostracized by his own family for his lack of talent and deemed unworthy to carry on the Asura name.

"You didn't recognize your younger self because you made yourself believe that you weren't him, did you?" she continued. "Outside of this dream world, you know who you are. You know that you are Leon Asura, but in this dream world, when I made you look at your past, you didn't remember it. No, you forced yourself to forget it. You buried it deep in your mind, and you made it look like it wasn't about you. The Leon Asura you were seeing was just another person, a completely different person from you. You erased those experiences within yourself and acted like those events never happened."

The girl was right. As she had said earlier, even if I denied or pretended that those memories didn't happen, they were still a part of me. My uselessness, my incompetence, the memories that I had buried deep inside, and everything that had made me shut myself off from the world, were all a part of me.

"I guess this confirms it. You're still in the denial stage, Leon," the girl said, her tone sounding amused. "You're denying that you're weak, incompetent, and useless. You're denying the truth about yourself. And worst of all, you're denying who you are. You lost sight of who you truly are, and you've been denying it ever since. You lost your sense of self-worth and your confidence, which is why you're still in denial even now."

Even now, after two years, I still couldn't accept my reality. That truth was a bitter pill to swallow.

"Hmm? Oh, who's that? Someone's watching you from afar, Leon. Huh...? Wow, she's a cute girl! I wonder why she's here. Do you know why, Leon?" The girl said, pointing out the girl in question.

When she mentioned her, I turned my head to look in her direction. As soon as I saw her, my eyes widened in surprise.

There was a girl there, her eyes light blue, the same color as her hair, and she was looking directly at me, or rather, at my past self. She stood a step back from the crowd, gazing intently in my past self's direction.