Chapter Fifteen: Her Painful Past

After our study session, Bumaba na kami ni Greene because we will take a lunch before we continue with the next part of the subject. While we're eating now, pasimple kong sinusulyapan si Gabriel na tahimik lang sa isang tabi. Kapag nakikita niyang nakatingin ako sa kanya ay kaagad siyang umiiwas, then nararamdaman kong nakatitig siya sa akin kapag hindi ako nakatingin sa kanya.

Hanggang sa matapos ang tanghalian naming ay si Greene at ako lang ang nagsasalita. Habang patango-tango si Gabriel at ngumingiti kapag nagkukuwento si Greene ng mga masayang karanasan niya na nagpunta sila sa Disneyland noong nakaraang taon. Makikita mo naman kahit walang sinasabi si Gabriel na anak niya talaga si Greene. I saw how proud he was of his son.

Nagpaalam na muna si Greene sa akin na magpapahinga na muna siya, I allowed him because I knew he was mentally tired. At the age of seven, kids should take a long rest every day because it is a time for them to prepare for their future. Napagdesisyunan kong lumabas muna.

When I was Greene's age at that time, I was mentally and emotionally drained because that was the time my mother left me for another man.

She chose to be with another wealthy man rather than help my father, and she left me. And the painful part was that she got pregnant, and her child was a person who stole the only man I loved before.

My life was tragic.

I grew up in a broken family.

I never had a chance to have a colorful childhood memory.

I was drugged for unknown reasons.

I was unstable when I had sexual intercourse that made me lose my virginity.

I got pregnant by a stranger.

I lost my father after a week and never had a chance to get justice.

My fiancée got engaged, and after a month, they got married.

My ex-fiancée's family did such horrible things that I was forced to quit my job.

I talked in town.

I am involved in a controversial issue.

I was named as a homewrecker.

So, I chose to become the mistress of a man I loved.

I lost my baby after giving birth.

I was betrayed by my own half-sister.

And I never had a chance to clear my name.

I was lucky to have a best friend like Liniea and have a responsible father by my side. He never left me alone. Although he became an alcoholic once my mother left us, after the night I cried to him, he chose to stop his bad habits and be a father and a mother to me.

I remember when every time we attended family day, I couldn't help but cry on my father's shoulder. I never expected that; that was the time that my father also acted as my mother. He was there when I graduated from elementary school. He was there when I had my first menstruation.

It was funny because he didn't have any idea about it. He even asked our neighbor what we should and shouldn't do. He was there when I finished my studies and got a diploma. I never forgot how happy we both were at that time because of his sacrifice just for me. He supported my relationship with Howard. He was there when the world left me.

My life was colorful when my father was alive. But I wasn't there when he needed me the most. And the worst part is that I never give him justice.

Sana nagsabi ako kay papa na buntis ako.

Sana nagpakatotoo ako sa kaniya noong mga panahon na paulit-ulit niya akong tinanong kung okay lang ba ako.

Sana pinigilan ko siyang umalis nang gabing iyon.

Sana, sana…

Sana buhay pa si papa.

Sana nalaman niyang magkaka-apo na siya.

Alam kong kung gaano ka gusto ni papa ng apo.

Sana nagpakalayo-layo na lang kami ni papa sa magulong lugar na iyon, kasama ang magiging anak ko.

Sana,

Nandito pa rin silang dalawa sa tabi ko.

Kung may pagkakataon man lang na makabalik sa nakaraan,

Itatama ko ang mga pagkakamali ko.

I was happy and felt loved by the man I loved. He was my first and greatest love.

Even though nothing happened to us, I wonder if he truly loves me. I know I made a mistake. I am a sinner. But he even once crossed his mind to fight for us? I am aware, na hinding hindi ko na mababago, that I was pregnant by some stranger. But I was victimized by his own wife bait and my long-lost half-sister.

Sa sobrang paninikip ng dibdib ko ay hindi ko mapigilan na mapa hagulgol, napapahiyaw na ako sa isip dahil sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Para akong unti-unti akong pinapatay, gusto ko nang mag-move on.

"You don't have to force yourself to forget. You also don't have to force yourself to forgive them. It will take time, but that doesn't mean that time heals wounds. What do you have to do now? "He seriously said, Habang nak-cross ang mga braso niyang pareho.

Nakakatakot at madilim ang awra na bumabalot sa mukha niya.

"Do I deserve this? "

"No, you don't."

"Then, why do I feel like I am silently dying? Why do I feel that I am still living in the past? Why do I feel like I used to do things just to divert my attention? "I was frustrated asking him.

"Why can't I be happy? "

"Why is it so hard? "

"I just want to be happy! But why can't I? "

He didn't answer me, but he just listened to my frustrations.

"You have to be true to yourself. You must forgive yourself. Don't let your past cage you. Don't let anyone steal your present. And most of all, don't live in the present, so you won't worry about what will happen in the future." Sabi niya habang sinimulan ang paghakbang papalapit sa akin.

Lima, limang hakbang bago sandalling tumigil. "You have to forgive yourself," he said.

"How will I forgive myself? I am a sinner." I dramatically answered him.

Pito, pitong hakbang bago nang muli siyang magsalita, "All of us are sinners. We are capable of doing bad things, but you must not forget we can do good things." He corrected me.

"But how? Where shall I start? "He looked into my eyes, full of admiration and, at the same time, sympathy.

At isa,

Bago niya tuluyang tinawid ang mga distansya naming dalawa. I clearly saw his hazel eyes burning in anger, but I never felt dangerous.

"By you. Everything will start, sayo." After he answered me, he held my hand and kissed it. He let out a deep sigh while intently staring at me.

"Did you already forget what I said before? If you can't bear it anymore, just run to my arms. I will kiss those scars you had and embrace your flaws for you to accept them. Those imperfections we had and keep hiding them from everyone make us perfect," he said while wiping my tears that keep dropping in my cheeks. He cupped my face and kissed me passionately, full of love.

"I am here. I'm always here. I am patiently waiting to see when you will look at me the way I look at you. I can endure the pain and jealousy that you are holding on to somebody's arms, but I can't endure that you are crying in my arms because of your painful past. I won't tell you to stop crying, but please stop fooling yourself and act like you are dying silently.". At sa mga sandalling iyon, I let my tears flow and screamed loudly. Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na ipakita ang isa sa mga kahinaan ko, iyon ay ang umiyak.

"Feel the pain, my angel. But we'll help you wash your tears. We are here, waiting for you," he meaningfully said to me while wiping my tears by kissing me.

This is the day I felt weak and vulnerable. And I am not ashamed to show this man that I am crying, hurting, breaking, and, most of all, I am dying silently.

"Hush now, my angel. Take a rest for a moment," he said in a husky voice while continuing to kiss me.

Sweet and passionate.