I CONFESS

Life is such a mysterious journey, yesterday was past tense, today is present tense and tomorrow remains a riddle that's why I live a life where I feel everything and every moment of it with love course every day, I get to build my own legacy by touching peoples heart through my God-given gift of writing. Well, today I have a story to tell, a story about me, a story you, a story about every child that has grown up being traumatized. You see, writing has been a form of therapy to me after witnessing chaos, feuds & drifting apart of my parents at such a tender age. Sometimes back, in those days I used to think that if reincarnation was a real thing, then I would choose the real ones in my next life.

Growing up with a single parent wasn't an easy task as you think; the fact that you are raised by a female parent and you get to see her suffer & struggle in your upbringing, trying to fix her wrongs by trying new relationships just to get a perfect father figure for you wasn't an easy picture for me to see. The fact that your male parent is still alive and doesn't want anything to do with you & refers to you as a dog wasn't a nice word for me to hear. The fact that your body is undergoing changes and you have nobody to ask for advice wasn't a nice feeling at all. The fact that you get to live with different stepfathers who some of them aren't nice to you & you don't get to speak out the truth for fear of being chased away & have nowhere to go wasn't a nice memory for me to bear but I survived it all. I Survived it all course I learned to mind my own business, pretending not to hear or to see what was going on around me. I shunted from the rest of the world & depended on me, myself & I course I had only God to back me up on this.

A lot of times we can bear any pain as long as we know it has meaning, what saps our courage is the thought that we could be suffering for nothing course nobody is perfect as they say. Therefore, in the thick of the battle, always try to detect any glimmer of light however faint or dim, for that's often enough to get you living to fight another day. I believe what kept me going were memories like back when I was a child Before life removed all the innocence, my father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me & then spin me around till I fell asleep Then up the stairs he would carry me and I knew for sure I was loved. My momma, I will always thank her for everything, she worked hard to be the best daughter, the best wife, the best employee, and a sweet loveable mum to her kids, like she could sacrifice the world for me that sometimes I see myself selfish to intervene with her relationships. I could do anything just to please her.

Like being a male child to a single beautiful young woman is hard, like you're always jealous whenever you see your mum being cajoled by a man who isn't your dad but eventually you have to live with it and get used to seeing it, it has never been easy for me until today. Like the most depressing moment of my life was the time when I was forced to call a man who wasn't my father's dad, this one gave me nightmares, I felt like an outsider in my own home. Nothing seemed to be smile able for me, like questions always run in my mind, like why should you fall in love with a woman, marry her, have intimacy with her, have a child with her then divorce her? Like surely, I never got to understand.

I remember someone telling me that love is simply the emotional attachment between the opposite sex but what I know is that love is all about being content with what your partner has to offer, being content should be the first element of attraction for a relationship to work, like a simple religious church girl will always work for me cause I don't want my kid to suffer as I did. I even told my Momma once, that before I get to marry any lady, there should be a marriage contract signed & sealed by blood between me & my lady that whoever cheats first dies first. Mean I might seem but am dead serious. Like no child should undergo what I went through, a child should be loved, should be praised & cared for.

Shanelle Nyasiase, one of the most top Kenyan influencer, once said "Be miserable or motivate yourself, whatever has to be done is always your choice" so if you're struggling to stay positive, if you're a work in progress, if you fear for your potential if you miss your old self, if you color outside the lines if you have some bad habits if you feel exhausted today if you haven't let it go if you are overthinking it, if you wonder why you are you, keep smiling & say I am fine because nobody really cares.

Before I get to exit this chapter, a word of advice to my dearest readers, this is something close to me, a life lesson that I got to learn throughout my fateful life. Life is like a palm of a hand, the pinky finger, also known as the swearing finger means that you should be thankful & grateful for everything no matter how big or small, the ring finger means that you should be married to things that you are in love with, don't do stuff just because someone influences you too. Do what you love and like, be it your talent or career, the middle finger when you get to raise it in front of people it means insults people will be shocked by your actions, do stuff that will make people talk but in a good way, the index finger also known as the pointer finger means that you should be focused whenever you are given an opportunity and last but not least is the thumb, you cannot hold a fist with your hand without the thumb finger, and when you hold a fist it means you are ready to fight, so fight to the end no matter what, insults will come, people will call you names, life will bring trials and tribulations but no matter what do not give up until you achieve your long term goal.

I may not be there yet but I surely know without a shadow of a doubt that brighter days are coming & to the beautiful young ladies out there I tell you today "the darker the berries the sweeter" you never know who might be carrying them; it may be the boy next door or definitely me.