Chapter 4

"We don't need to keep you here anymore your all good. Now as much as I would love to say your free to go it's that that easy. I want you here every month so we know your still okay? Is that alright?" Lisa has been a great help. From what mom told me. She was very protective over me ever since I came in with my bloody eye's. The second person to ever care for me other then my mother. It feels good to know that. Her and mom have gotten along. Mom might even have a friend after this.

"Yes Lisa I know. Thanks I'll see you in a month" I said slipping on my converse shoes. Been here for seven full days. Missed a lot of school do I knew to sort that out first before anything. Do I want to go to school. No but I have to if I want to graduate and move away. Away from here. Away from this pain.

"So what do you want for tonight, we could buy chinese?" Mom asked. She's only treating me because I have here for the past week. She still feels guilty. She has always felt guilty even if it's not her fault but other idiots. In a week I get to meet my mate. I know how things turned out for my mom but other people have good mates. Mates that loved them, held them, protected them and valued them. I can't wait for that. To be valued and loved. I want that. I want to feel completely and just fall carelessly in love with someone. Saving myself for my mate wasn't hard. It was very easy, no one really looked my way and if they did, it was only to bully me.

"That's sounds good. I just want to get home and be able to sleep in my bed." I sighed. It was good being in the hospital but it wasn't my safe zone. I had survived a week away from my safe zone. Away from my safety net. Away from me.

"Okay I'll order after we get home." She said while we were walking to the car.

"Is father home?"I ask getting in the back seat. Always felt uncomfortable sitting in the passenger seat

"No, his gone. You know our Gemma and his wife went away to enjoy their anniversary so your dad is working on his behalf" she says while starting the car" he went off to Moon Lake pack."

"I wish I could visit there"I said closing my eyes. The Moon Lake pack was known as the strongest pack but they were also known as the most loving and accepting pack. They care for each other and they treated their omega with respect.

"I know baby. It would be amazing just to go there and just be treat better." She sighed. The drive was short. We didn't live that far. But we didn't live in the pack house. We were just a few blocks down. 

"We are here. Why don't you go wash up and I'll order" she mumbled getting out of the car.

"Yea that's good" I said going upstairs. Walking into my room the first thing I see is the mirror. Walking up to it I look at myself. Really looking at myself. I wasn't skinny, hell I was curvy. Mom always said I looked beautiful. Looking at myself I saw my dark chocolate eye's. My caramel light skin. I was short no more then 5'4. Unlike other people my hair was naturally curly but once it was washed and straighten it looked beautiful. That's the only think I liked about myself. My hair. I never criticized my hair never looked at differently.

This was not the girl I thought I would be. I always thought I would be blossom. That I would have been better. I would have a lot of friends, I would be carefree and I would just enjoy life they way it was supposed to be lived, felt and just embrace life. I have been hiding from life not because I wanted to but because it's what I did best.

"Honey! Foods here, come down"my mom yelled. Taking one last look at myself in the mirror I sigh. When we were taught about the changes I originally thought that maybe just maybe I would be different. Better.

"I thought you were going to wash up?" Mom asked while placing bowls on the table

"No I'll do that after dinner, I wanna go to sleep after" I mumbled. Dinner was quite. It usually was like that cause me and mom liked silence. It's like a calmness after a storm type of thing. Cherishing your last moments of bliss.

"I'm done, I'll be in my room if you need me" I got up and placed my bowl in the sink before washing it. Mom never liked the dishes out. She will look at with one of her awful glares just so you know you messed up.

"Night!" I called out climbing the stairs.

"Night! Sleep well!" She calls back. Getting to my room I got straight to my nightstand and place my phone in the a charger. I look for my pj shorts and my oversized t-shirt and my underwear. I go to my bathroom turn on the water and slip off my clothes. I get it and just let the water fall on my body. I turn on the hot water on more and just relax under the shower head.

I wouldn't be going to school for two more days so that my mom could make sure that I would be okay. I'm okay with. I don't want to see anyone from school. I wonder how things will be when I go back. Will things will change, will it be worse? Will I be able to cope with everything? Will I be a freak to them now?

"No that's not going to happen" I say to myself" it's going to be alright"

But what if it's not. What if it gets worse then what it already is. What am I going to do. How am I going to cope with that. I haven't forgotten what I heard when I was at the hospital

"What's is she "

I'm a werewolf but then what if I wasn't. I have been nothing but a disappointed to my dad. What if the same happens with my mate? Could I be like my mom? As much as I love my mom I could and wouldn't be able to to cope with a mate that didn't love me, appreciate me and care for me. I want to be loved, cherished and cared for. I want to be held close every night and I want to fought for. Not left behind, not degraded, not used and not loved. I want to be loved and want so badly.

"It's going to work out" I whispered to myself. His going to love me. School isn't going to change. They won't hurt me. I would be alright. I will find my mate and he will love me. He will love all of me and he would never hurt me. I would move out and start my life with him. I will take mom with me and give her a better life. There won't be any degrading after I find him. He would understand that I, myself don't know what's going on. That I didn't wish for it to happen. That I was a freak accident.

Why am I lying to myself. School is going to be worse. People are to call me a freak. There's probably a lot of rumors going around school. What are they going to call me. I'm now worse gen the demons. Goddess what will happen.

I try to relax but I can't. My mind is running wild and I feel like my anxiety is coming. I get out the shower and dry myself off.

His not going to love me. His going to use me. I'm going to get just like my mom. No no, not like my mom. I'm going to be worse. He'll reject me. I won't have a family of my own. I won't be wanted. I'm going to die. I'm never going to survive it.

Tears fall from my eyes and I wipe them off. BLOOD. More tears fall. My heart starts beating fast and the shaking starts. I fall on the tiled floor and cradle myself. I swing back and forth. I try to breathe but nothing. I try to scream but I can't. I can't breathe I can't scream. I hear my heartbeat in my ears fast and loud.

Why can't I be normal. Why can't I be loud. Am I that ugly, that disgusting, that horrible. Why can't no one love me. Why can't I just be cared for. Why am I so weak. I'm going to die alone. They were right. Who would want me. Who would want me after this. I lift my head and my chest is covered in blood, my arms ,my thigh and the tiles I sitting on

Freak, Retard, why don't you just die! No one wants you! You not going to be loved! Who would love you! Who would want you! Look at you! Pig! Fat! Ugly! Even a donkey is better look the you!

I can't stop it. The only way to escape this. Is if I pass out. I can't breathe. The shaking won't stop. The pain won't go away. The hopelessness is there to stay. The loneliness is here for forever. Nothing is ever going to help. I wait for the darkness, numbness and the cold to get ahold on me.

And it comes. Everything just stop. There's no sound. No pain. Just darkness, numbness and the cold. I let it take over. I slip into my one escape but also my darkest fears.

***

I feel nothing but coldness. I open my eyes and here I lay on the floor. Covered in blood. I feel tired,  exhausted and close to my death. It feels like I'm just a walking corpse. I try getting up but I fall back down. Utterly useless. I can't even get up. They were right. No one is ever going to like me, nor love me. I try again using the wall but I slip and fall. Why can't I just do something right. Why can't I just be right just once. I try once more this time I force myself and it works.

Getting up I try to get into the shower again. I turn one the hot water and rinse off all the blood after I get out and wipe my clean. I pull on my oversized t-shirt, put on my underwear and night shorts. And walk into my room. I turn off the lights and walk over to my bed. I get in and just close my eyes.

Why can't I be better. Why was I born like this. Why was this my fate. I wasn't strong enough for this. I have seen human movie and human celebrities. Some of the came from bad backgrounds or were poor, some were laughing stocks and we're bullied, some had it worse but they all pulled through and work their asses off. Yet here I am. I'm not fighting cause I know nothing good comes from it. I'm not winning, everytime I try to come out of my shell I'm shoved back in. I'm not going anywhere in this pack. I'm not anyone in this pack. If it wasn't my mom. I would have been already been dead. This pack. The people in school. They kill me everyday. Even people I call friends don't help the just look and let it happen. How fucked up is that. They don't care about me. After the aftermath they act like they care. After every they are suddenly there to help pick up the pieces. As if they could be placed back! As if I was a puzzle that needed to be put together for them to figure out that I'm in pain. They would never see that! They quit putting back the pieces of the puzzle once they are bored and there I'm stuck having to pretend that I'm okay. That it's fine. That I'm not broken and I'm not on the edge. To have to come home smile for my mom and watch dad treat us like shit.

Why can't I be better? Why couldn't I have been better!? Why wasn't I fighting!?

"Please just help me. I'm tired moon goddess. I really am" I whispered

I get comfortable under my covers but no sleep comes. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like crying. I ready did that. I think back to my mate and who it could be. There was a reason why Sean was my crush. He was different. He had been kind, not to me but other people that needed it at that time. His was just perfect like that. He was beautiful and he was just a great person. I wished and prayed that he could he my mate. He could save me, stand up for my and just protect me.

There was still a fear in me though. As much as I prayed and wished that he could be my mate, what if he wasn't. What then. Then I would wish my mate be an angel or a white witch. A good with witch. An angel would be so loving and they are so considerate. He would love me, accept me and just have me just the way I am with no problem. If that can't be then there were always sirens but they were lovers and they loved everybody that looked they way. I only want some to have eye's for me. Love only me. Only hold me close to his heart. Dark witches were cunning. Well some of them but they were protect over their mate's, very protective. It wouldn't be so bad. On the plus side witches understood certain things and weren't afraid. My mind took a darker turn. Vampires. They loved their mate's if anything they adored them. Seeing as they would live for goddess knows how long, they would never chose to spent that time alone. Then there's the demon. The demons were selfish from what I have seen. I don't know about their mate's. I don't even know if they have them. They are always with somebody else sharing girls and boys then throw them away. It was just use less. They weren't the loving, just down right dirty and rotten.

"It will be alright." I close my eye once again and pray it was going to be alright because if it didn't I don't know what I'm going to do